23 June 2008
And it shall say "Murphy fucked with me! But I WON!"
OK a bit extreme, but what a fucked up week.
Yes it is only Monday, but I'm counting the last 7 or so days....memory is a bit blurred, so not sure what happened when, but it WAS in the last week.....Things happen in three's right? I am posting this while pummeling myself against my wooden furniture, just so I don't jinx myself!
1.We FINALLY got some sunshine, so I decided to mow the lawns.
Bring out the whipper snipper, bring out my 'instructions" cos it's been a while...the mother fucker won't start!
My arms are weak and shaky, so I kick it! My elderly neighbour calls over the fence that she will excuse me if I swear 'because THOSE things are a SHIT to start!"
I can't laugh...I am too pissed off....my shoulder feels like it is dislocated....now I can't swear, because I don't like having permission to do so!
Then I notice the pump thingamajig is cracked, and is leaking petrol....DUH! (Just remember I have been pulling on this fucker on and off for over 2 hours....I hurt!)
But I get a glimmer of hope and pull out the yellow pages.
Ring the local mower repair dudes.."Is it just the pump thingamajig?"
ME: "I assume so...started fine last time"
Mower repair dude: "Easy...bring it in we'll fix it! $10"
ME: "You for real??? be there in 5!"
I shoulda fucking known better.
Long story short.. pump thingamajigs gone...inner tube thingamees gone...carburetor gone....will cost almost as much to fix it as it will to buy a new one..
Of course it will!
Bundled the pulled apart bits in a bag, tied it to the handle to offer the God...ahem...I mean AH.
My fix: poison all the edges! Borrow the neighbours whipper snipper for bits I can't poison!
DONE...fuck you! Murphy!!!!
2. My vacuum has had some issues of late, like smelling of fire, black puffs of dust/smoke/NFI coming out, not sucking etc. I tried to fix him. Thought it was the filter, cleaned both of them and put them back, changed bags, cleaned all the nozzles, fixed all the attachments etc etc.
Turned it on with hope of AT LEAST doing the floor rugs.....its not doing much at all...and the smell is BAD!!! Turn around and the mother fucker has smoke billowing out of it!!!!
So i throw it out the back door....and I SWORE LOUDLY...because nobody gave me permission to!
My fix: Pretty lame, I WILL miss the vacc...but we have NO carpet except two floor rugs, so I CAN sweep. I HATE sweeping...BUT I CAN! Or maybe it's time to teach the kids! I also have a Carpet sweeper which isn't too great but is better since I found the main problem...HAIR!!! LOTS OF HAIR!!! No pets! I shed hair like no one else...seriously...I am surprised I am not bald the SHIT gets EVERYWHERE! So regular defuzzing of Carpet Sweeper is also needed. Done! Not happy...but I will SURVIVE Murphy...YOU hear that?!?! MOther FUcker!
3.My fucking washing Machine bit the dust this morning! It too has been behaving badly of late...beeping at me constantly to manually fill it one day, then running perfectly the next. This morning though it did not sing it's familiar melody, it changed. Also the familiar lights were not flashing asking for cold water, or load readjustment....no blinking at all...just 4 random lights shining up at me, taunting me! Found the manual to decode it's foreign language...all it said was 'call a repairman'. Well I've tried that before and it didn't fix things...so I SWORE at it (again without permission) & kicked it several times.
My fix: Then I looked at renting one....$12 a week minimum for a 5.5kg used machine for 18 months!
So I went to see if I could get 'interest free' credit.
Got approved for $1000 which is about $20 a week.
And got myself a NEW & SHINY 8kg water efficient machine that I will OWN in 1 year. My last machine lasted me 10 years, so am hoping this will do the same...HAPPY! PLUS I will get $150 rebate WOOT! And I just LOVE me some new shiny white goods :D
But it is a bit sucky that I couldn't get finance for DD's op but I could for a washer! But I guess that is the way of the world huh! Maybe we need interest free finance on medical needs!!! Now there's an idea!
Ooh and on other news....
I did text the AH "you FORGOT to drop of DS footy boots" and left it that...heard nothing...surprise, surprise! Finally set the Wii up for the kids and he had also *FORGOTTEN* the Wii mote....so DS rang him to tell him & he dropped them both off Fri night.
I am not speaking to him! Not in a "Silent treatment" fashion or "playing games", just I can't be fucked wasting my breath, and playing games & waiting to see what mood he is in at any given time. He basically ignored me first time I saw him next after the outburst...which was fine by me. Second time he tried putting on the friendly, nice guy act....not buying it...'Hi, here you go, kids need/want/ have xyz, seeya!'
Pfft! I have a spy on my side. I KNOW what he does, what he says, and I know what I see, the 2 are astonishingly different....
He's trying to play, and I am, now, choosing not to :-)
19 June 2008
I accidentally packed 1 of DD's shoes & 1 of DS's Oopsies!
The phone rang at 8am, I was still in bed so didn't answer it. If it was important, whoever it was would leave a message or call my mobile right? WRONG!
My mobile rings at about 11am, I saw it was the AH...
Asked where I was this morning?
I lied and said I was out, I only did this because I realised it must have been him that called & because well, it none of his fucking business!
And then he starts on about the shoes, swearing, screaming and carrying on.
I apologised and said it was a mistake on my part.
But, as per usual, he only sees the world through his eyes. From his perfect self, who does no wrong, NEVER makes a mistake Oh No, not the Supreme Being that is the Arse Hat!
He was telling me how fucked up I am, that I need to get my shit together, how I am ALWAYS forgetting something YADA YADA YADA.
So I said "Excuse me, but I am not going to sit here and allow you to carry on, Goodbye!"
And hung up!
I don't think he heard me, but that's not my problem.
What he did, faced with a shoeless child, rather than phone & leave a message, or do something 'normal' like call my mobile, I live close to the school so it would have added another 5 minutes to his trip. Or even send her to school in her normal school shoes. No, he took her to the shops, bought her new shoes, took her to school late, got to work late...AND then rings me to hurl abuse. He's such a clever man!
He tried ringing me after I hung up, I ignored it, then sent him text, telling him to remember HE isn't perfect, HE forgets things & basically to get over himself, and direct his abuse elsewhere.
He has dropped the kids stuff off. He didn't knock & I didn't go out.
But guess what?
Somebody FORGOT to pack DS footy shoes.
Hmmm wonder who that could have been. Certainly NOT the perfect specimen of Human life.
I really want to ring him and hurl abuse about it. But that's not me.
Maybe I'll send a text.
Or maybe I should go buy new footy boots then ring him and blame him.
Yep...that makes much more sense!
18 June 2008
Oh and if you haven't figured it out, this is going to be a rant! So feel free to leave at any time!
The fucking ARSEHAT is pissing me off soooo much ATM, he gets me so fucking angry I shake & just want to wring his fucking steroid enhanced fat fucker neck!
He has the kids tonight. We still exchange "stuff" because even though he has clothes there, we still need to exchange School clothing & the kids security stuff (blankies, teddies etc). On Wednesdays we don't bother with toys etc, leave that for the weekend, when we need to go to each others places anyway.
Anyhoo, I get a call at just after 6.30pm...
AH: "Hi, it's me, I need to drop down and get undies"
Me: "Oh, you don't have undies?"
AH: "No (insert smug tone) can I come down?"
Me: "Yeah of course, I'll give you a handful, I thought you had clothes and everything"
AH: "I do! but not undies!"
Me: "OK, see you soon, bye!"
I should have just said right there and then...."go buy them some fucking undies"...but I'm afraid I'm not quick on my feet like that.
Or I should have said "When will you be here?" because he has a tendency to NEVER fucking stick to a time....but I'm afraid...some lessons I am learning the slow way.....WAYYY tooo farking sloooowwwwww!
So I sit, and I wait, and I watch some TV, and have a drink, have a few ciggies...la dee dahhhh.
I remove evidence of what I was doing, nothing naughty or abnormal, just I prefer to keep my ME time to me IYKWIM. It is MY night off right???
Then it hits 7.45pm, and I'm kind of panicking, a lot annoyed, and very curious as to where he is.
And I need cig's.
He lives 10 mins away...15 max in peak hour....if you are popping in, would that not infer you are coming sooner rather than later? If you had planned on doing things PRIOR to popping over, wouldn't you give notice to the person...I dunno...like I'll be about an hour...or we have to eat dinner, have showers, THEN we will 'pop' over?? Heh, common courtesy is rare these days...maybe I am too optimistic! Especially seeing he is the most self righteous, egotistical, fucking soft cock that has ever adorned this planet earth!
So I ring both his mobiles...no answer! So I send him a text " I need to go to the shops, won't be long"
So I duck out, shops aren't far...my phone rings... I scramble and miss it, but see it was him, so I continue. Then I call both mobiles again...straight to voicemail....leave a msg...saying I missed your call but where are you and what is happening? He phones me and starts going OFF fucking this fucking that, what the fuck you going to the shops, fuck you, fuck this, fuck that.....I'm reeling...
Me: "Excuse me!...where are the kids while you are going off?"
AH:"Oh...in the next aisle" bullshit!
Me: "You rang OVER an hour ago saying you would 'pop' in"
AH: "WE HAD TO FUCKING EAT DINNER AND.." (yes, he was screaming at me)
Me: "Yeah ease up! You could have had the courtesy of telling me, I had to go to the shop, you hadn't shown up, so I had the courtesy of sending you a text, to let you know I wouldn't be far in case you decided to show up!" Fucking ARSEHAT!
AH: "Fuck, well we're at the fucking supermarket now, and I have to fucking buy them fucking undies"
Me: "Good for you" Fuck off cock sucker!
AH: "They'll call you when we get home, and we have to discuss E's lunch!"
Yeah well I just hung up then & screamed at the phone!
Then came on here!
Then the kids rang to say goodnight.
Then AH got on the phone to 'discuss' E's lunch, nice as pie of course...possibly because YET AGAIN he is swapping our days, times..to suit him!
(Yet he is telling OTHERS the opposite...but as usual I'll leave that for another post....possibly titled Stalker #2 = Double Agent)
OK I have cooled off a tad now, but now he has ruined my night, I was gung-ho into my Feng Shui stuff when he first called, then packed it away (that's my little obsession ATM).... I know I shouldn't and I guess more time will change that side of things....but I'm really pissed! If I ran out of undies....would I call him???? I don't call him for shit! Yet he deems it fine to call me for anything....maybe I need to tell him that...again! I get 2 nights off a week....he gets 5! I don't call him, if he has a problem DEAL WITH IT!
Oh and a small disclaimer: my keyboard is fucking up majorly...I thought I was typing bad the past week or so, but realised my keyboard is the issue, so if there are really bad grammar errors I apologise (knowing full well I have grammar trouble at the best of times)
I'm off to pull out my feng shui again.
Kelli ~ I checked with the tax office and it worked out to be a couple of hundred, not enough to REALLY make a difference. But IF we do end up paying for private, I will still claim it, of course.
Bettina ~ What is this family allowance advance you speak of????
I am in a bit of debt at the moment, nothing outlandish, but enough to make saving hard without skimping on the payments there IYKWIM, so I decided to ask for the extra credit and let the gods decide.....I was declined...so option 3 is out. (I wasn't surprised, but thought it was worth a go).
What I am going to do is get her on the Public Waiting List. A lovely girl I met thru Plurk has given me an ENT, whom she highly recommends, so I will call tomorrow and try and get an appointment.
I did mean to do it today, but I've been raging a battle against my whipper snipper, and well time got away from me. (And the fucking whipper snipper won!!! If you can call it a win when it is dead and in pieces!!! HA!!! TAKE THAT!!!)
Where was I?
Um OK...so next..
I will save what I can, whilst still paying off Mary, Bob & Jane, inform the AH what his half is and hope he does the same, and hopefully be able to get her the op sooner rather than later.
(and secretly pray the AH gets his bonus next quarter and offers to pay the lot, lol)
Of course, as Murphy is prone to do, she came in last night to my bed complaining of a sore ear, and her op was due today! So me thinks we may be back on the Merry-go-round sooner rather than later. (But I knew that didn't I)
Let the savings begin! Just not this fortnight as I have to give a deposit to OOSH, and I don't want the gas disconnected either!
17 June 2008
I cancelled DD's operation for tomorrow.
Shed a few tears....I wish money wasn't an issue.
I found out that we aren't covered for it by the Health Insurance Co, and I just don't have $1500 lying around at the moment. And that is just the hospital. Medicare will cover about $250 which doesn't even put a dent in it (I'll leave my rant about Scheduled Fees another time!).
Now I know I was ranting and raving about the AH and his issues with paying for the op, but that was when we only thought we had a gap/excess to pay, so I'm not being hypocritical (in my mind any way....if you disagree...shutup! cos I'm a hormonal bitch at the moment!). So now I am trying to weigh up what my options are. I am waiting on a quote from the surgeon, and I am trying HARD not to stress about it until I receive that.
Options for now...
- Go see a different ENT that services the Public Hospital...the wait will be up to 8 months, only cost will be ENT's fee (about $180).
- Wait until the money is saved to pay up front....I'm thinking about a 3 month wait, maybe less if the AH cooperates.
- Try and get a higher credit limit & pay for it that way....this balances on whether I'd even be approved & hoping I get some back from the AH...this would mean the op could go ahead probably within a month.
- Wait the 6 months until we are covered. I will have to check this though as it is classed as pre-existing, so the wait may be longer.
Now the only trouble with 1,2 & 4 is that we are heading into "sick season"....well we are in it already...and whilst DD hasn't been sick for about 3 weeks now, she is getting a cold, and going on past history this means she will be back on the Merry-go-round in no time. Which means time off school, truckloads of anti-biotics & well...she'll be sick, sick isn't nice. Also, because of her ears she has a hearing problem, she is not deaf, but she has to make a real effort to hear, especially in class, she misses things in general, and comes home tired and cranky.
It is hard to not get annoyed at her, but I know there is an underlying reason, so I try my best to be understanding...but MAN she can push my buttons. And then of course DS is going through a turd phase, so I get the guilts when I pull him up on things but not her. Plus I'm sure he notices, and possibly she does too, and there is no balance and very little peace! And then my brain feels like exploding! So her being NQR effects us all in some way, shape or form...there is more, but I'm sure you get the picture.
Gah! This post was going to be a catch up on a few things, but it seems I had more to say on this matter than I thought....I still haven't had my rant about AH re the above & some other matters, the Stalker#2, my mum, my dad and other stuff....Oh well, will leave them for another post, your eyes are probably bleeding after reading this much.
But I'll leave you with a question....
What would you do out of my options above??
Or can you think of another option that I haven't?
**Edited to add: How's this for timing, the ENT surgeon just rang to tell me his costs. He's just lovely, another reason I don't want to go Public (The public ENT was an arse hat!), he alo told me to check out the ATO website as I may be able to claim on tax, as well as medicare, looks like the housework will have to wait, I have more research to do!
13 June 2008
A get up at a god awful time, shower & dress in something decent, brush my hair, use concealer & mascara, get kids organised & to school on time or earlier, go somewhere else & get paid JOB!!!
What is the world coming to!!!
And to top it off it starts off as full-time! Talk about throwing ones self in the deep end!
Let's hope I don't drown!
I get paid to sit on my arse & answer phone calls & speak to people.
Have I mentioned my phone phobia?
I need to get the kids up & at school an hour earlier! I need to also be respectable for public viewing at the same time!
Have I mentioned I'm not a morning person?
Am I ready for this?
I'm not sure.
Are the kids going to fight me at every turn?
Is the AH going to come to the party and step up to his responsibilities?
Am I going to drown in chaos?
Almost definitely...at least in the beginning...
So now starts a new chapter in my life.
It's been a long time coming.
I think it is either going to break me, or make me!
I sincerely hope it's the latter.
A job....in the real world!
11 June 2008
Maybe this was his concern at the start? Although why he didn't inform me of this I have No Fucking Clue!
By the time I had rung the Hospital a zillion times, the specialist, our GP AND the Health Fund....I got as far as it all not looking great! But I still have to ring the hospital & the specialist again...but after being out most of the day, I ran out of time, and they had all gone home. So I will try again in the morning. Cos I STILL DON'T KNOW HOW MUCH? They are very tight-lipped about cost when you say you are in a fund....and kind of send you on a trip on the merry-go-round....just to say "the gap is $xxxx" or "we are accredited with your fund so you pay nothing or a very minimal cost"....whilst on their admission forms it says you MUST pay up front and on admission.....I don't know what is going on in the health industry....but it's all a lot of nonsensical crud if you ask me, and they must all think we have VERY deep pockets to not need to know what we are up for!
Also I have *issues* with it being pre-existing.....her previous op fixed the problem! It was only when the grommets fell out she had problems again, and the adenoids are something new altogether....has never come up before. But I am guessing that it all falls too close to the 'line' and the insurance company would win!
Also they asked on the form for my Health Care Card/Pension number....so maybe I'll get a discount...but that, I think, may be extreme wishful thinking...
I guess it will all work out! At worst I will have to beg, borrow & steal..... but my lass will hear again sooner rather than later!
09 June 2008
Yeah! Finally! Not entirely rapt with the job, and the more time that passes the worse I think the interview went, but it was an interview, so I'm happy with that. I didn't vomit, hyperventilate, swear, or say anything too stupid....so a Success! No matter what the outcome is! There have been a few jobs I've applied for lately that just seem ideal....so fingers crossed....speaking of fingers...I need to pull mine out and finish an application I'm half way through.....it's one of those tedious long and detailed pieces of shit that drive me up the wall!!!! But the job would be ideal!
I had my scan & follow up with my GP...not much to tell really....nothing is REALLY wrong...but nothing is really right either... My Gall Bladder is clear, apart from a small growth, which apparently I shouldn't worry about, and apparently shouldn't be causing my pain. There is a cyst on my kidney, which apparently is nothing to worry about, and apparently shouldn't be causing my pain either. My cholesterol is a bit off but again is apparently....well see above. My white cell count is a bit off....see above again. Some other levels are a bit off....again see above. So what is the outcome?
Keep taking the pills to help with stomach acid.
Try and quit the fags.
Drink more water, less coffee.
Go back in 8 weeks and test again.
If pain continues go back sooner.
*Sigh* I feel like I've got fucking no where! So what did I do after my non-diagnosis?
I hit the town with an internet buddy that was visiting from another state and had a night of drunken debauchery, kissed a stranger, crawled in my door at 5am and slept till 2pm. It's not ALL bad.... I danced my arse off so that counts as exercise right??
Since then my self sabotage has kicked in full force....and I've been living on chocolate & lollies & softdrink.....which is just not like me....someone up there in my screwed up head is hitting the rebel button....you'd think at my age I'd be over that....but obviously not!
Onto other things...We finally had our appointment with the ENT for DD, and he's booked her in for grommets & a possible adnoidectomy. I didn't go the surgeon who did it last time....I took her to the Private Hospital. The ENT was gorgeous, and knew all about ED as his best mate in school had it....that was a nice surprise....mention ED and you normally get a blank look lol. But here's the shocker...she is booked in for the 18th of THIS MONTH! Fucking nearly fell off my chair!! It took over 6 months for the last op!
The ArseHat isn't happy though...of course, why would he be! When I told him, his only comment was that he couldn't afford it & that now she couldn't do swimming!!!
The SAME man who has been quite vocal that "MONEY IS NO ISSUE WHEN IT COMES TO MY KIDS HEALTH!"
The same bloke who is back to his old drinking ways....What? $30+ a day.
The same bloke who is going Clubbing every weekend, so can't have the kids extra nights.
The same bloke who is back on drugs as well.
And the swimming comment?!?!?! WTF!!! Options...1: DD gets to go to swimming lessons once a week, she knows how to swim, it was just recreational. 2: DD stops having painful ear infections, fevers, further nose/throat problems as a result or ear issues, can ACTUALLY HEAR and participate in class properly AND learn, and stop missing school and life around her....hmmmm....You know he's right......very difficult choice....Moron!
I still have to chase up the exact cost, but it will get worked out somehow.
He fucking RILES me up! The amount of money he spent on fucking Hookers, the money he spends on the kids(bought them a Wii just for the hell of it), and everything mentioned above...How Fucking DARE he even THINK that he can't afford his half.....LET ALONE FUCKING SAY it out loud!
OK I weren't going to to do a psycho post....but well, it's out now....going to go SCREAM into my pillow or something now!
05 June 2008
Anyways if your memory is short....and I'm not judging all you 3 or 4 readers...as mine is abysmal...not even sure who i was just on the phone to....I digress... HERE is my post from wayyy back then ;-p
Well I had trouble....Homer Simpson trouble...I was never quite sure if I'd actually said "HOOKER" out loud....cos it was running thru my mind like a fucking tornado 24hours a day! But I had to keep things to myself.....NOT EASY!
But as I say... "It'll all come out in the wash"
And it did just recently.
The AH was here when he was in his uber-friendly-just-found-myself-a-bach-pad stage.
Couldn't have been more lovely, when our GP came up in conversation. (Who I'll just call 'Dr' here)
AH: "Go see Dr on Monday....he's an arsehole though"
Me: "I will, why is he an arsehole"
AH: "I got this rash....down there....so I went to see him...shaved my pubes and all"
Me: *starts giggling uncontrollably* "Why is he an arsehole?"
AH: "He lectured me about drinking....blah blah blah"
ME: *near fitting with laughter* "Ohhh I can't say it, I can't say it, I can't say it, I can't say it.."
AH *looks at me quizzically* "say what?"
Me: "...I can't say it....I can't say it....FUCK IT...yes I can......HOOKER!" *start roaring in laughter*
AH *trying to hide his annoyance* "I don't do that anymore...."
Me: " I don't care anymore" *Roaring in laughter still*
Maybe his dick will fall off! But in the meantime it was nice to finally let it out!
J: "Oh My God! I just had a heart attack!"
Me: "What? Why?"
J: "When we die, we don't come back!"
Then Forever optimistic DD pipes in...
E: "Oh of course we do, we have 10 lives!"
We then went on to discuss death. J has a fear of death, and it comes up often. E was working out how old God was....but was mixed up with Jesus....I think....I don't do religion, but I'm pretty sure Jesus would be 2008 years old...and god was never born, so has no age. J then piped up that he wished we could all live for 2000 years. I said it'd be pretty awful, as we'd all have no teeth, so couldn't eat chocolate & ice cream...and our bones & muscles would be mush so we couldn't do anything, and we'd have to wear nappies, and how enjoyable would life be like that?
E got it. J tried to devise ways to survive until 3000 years old.
We would all have our own personal nurses who would change our butts, feed us chocolate, and push us around in wheel chairs....
Worked for him!
Now he just has to convince the next 70 billion people born to train as a nurse so they can wipe their great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great grandaddies arse, and feed him molten chocolate thru a drip!
04 June 2008
03 June 2008
Women who couldn't understand or speak English very well, us older birds who didn't care to divulge all our secrets, older women that seemed past it all, and the young Chickie's who "knew better".
She didn't have a hope.
She was nice enough though. But it always makes me laugh that these 'experts' of the mind quite often have no 'real' experience to back them up. One of the younger girls did not shut up for the whole session, and kept bursting into tears, and telling us all (strangers) the hardships of her life.
The psych kept placating her with textbook words, but she was obviously quite taken aback. A few times us 'older' ones, and I use that term loosely, meaning myself (29 again) and others older than I, had to explain to the psych what some terms meant....like disintegrate...WTF! I didn't need to do Uni to learn that one!
We did lots of written exercises, all of which I have done before.
Watched a video about depression, made by one of the anti-depressant drug companies. Fuck THAT made me laugh...."oooh you've got depression, take this pill and you'll be right as rain"...... The psych didn't get the joke!
In the midst of it all, we were instructed to write our names on an envelope, and then we all wrote a positive comment about each person and placed it in their envelope. Now given, most of us had never met before, and most did not speak throughout the session, this wasn't going to be easy. I had 'seen' a couple of them before. I had spoken to 3 of them before. I had spoken to only one of them to a point, that I felt I kinda knew her. And that was the one that kept breaking down crying.....which I had not seen in her before at ALL! Plus the 'psych' made a comment too.
BUT it IS nice to hear nice things about yourself.
And it is interesting to see what people think of you, having barely met you.
And it is FUCKING HILARIOUS too!
I tried to distinguish who's writing was who's quickly at the end, but as everyone was leaving, and a lot was going on it was a bit difficult....
So here are my 'compliments' from today....and my comments in brackets...
*You have a charming way about yourself. (Why thank you....I think this was from one I was sitting next to that I'd met before)
*Very warm & Friendly (thanks again....bit NFI who this was....could have been the woman next to me as well)
*You are soooooo beautiful and beautiful (ummmm yeah...NFI...but HOPE it wasn't the woman next to me)
*Smiling face, happy mother (better than crouching tiger, hidden dragon I assume)
*-Well balanced (I laughed out loud at this one and commented they obviously don't know me....then discovered it was from the Psych...oops....but point proven!)
-Thoughtful & reflective (maybe pensive & do not bare my soul to these people....with a touch of you HAVE NO IDEA!)
*has a beautiful smile! (Uuum thanks....NFI again, and still hoping it wasn't the woman sitting next to me, and are we in lesbo support group or twat?)
*Friendly nice (I know...I know...stop it would yas!)
*You have beautiful skin (NFI but it was either someone NOT wearing their glasses, OR someone who could only write that sentence in English, as I think everyone got that one!)
*Quite (hmmmmm that's the only thing positive she could think of....unless she meant quiet....but either way....strange....quite what?)
*I love to have conversations with you & I think your a hot soccer mum :) (This was from the young crying chick....sweet...she really is lovely...naive & young & outspoken...but lovely....so this was my favourite! She has an interview tomorrow & I wish her ALL the best)
Okies off to poison my kids with fried rice....we're on a tight budget peoples....and they aint happy....I figure if I add as little flavour as possible they will eat it, and I will get by.
Have my Ultrasound tomorrow to see if it's gallstones...not convinced...although similar, not everything fits.
Until next time!
02 June 2008
I just walked past my daughters room, and thanked the heavens I'd already done my nightly "thank gawd they're asleep, kiss & lights out" routine, cos holy heck the stench pouring out of that room is enough to singe the hairs between your cheeks!
My wee little 6 year old angelic girl farts like a fucking elephant that has been force fed chilli's and beans for a month! And she doesn't eat either!
On other news...the stalker was back last night....just as I was drifting off into lala land....I fucking hate that! I texted back in my haze twice....then woke up enough to realise what was going on & ignored the continuing texts & 1 phone call....that continued past midnight! Sheesh! Someone forgot to post the bulletin that "Ima single mum wiff tooo kids!" and once I have my pills I don't last for more than an hour....tops!
Finally went back to the dr today...he took blood *ick*...gave me some more pills...and sent me for an ultrasound....could be gallbladder....could be pleurisy...could be supercalafragalisticexpialidotius....sigh....will keep on keeping on.....and hope some energy returns!
Tomorrow is officially my last day of the 3 week course from hell....but unofficially I have 3 days to make up....and then officially I have to continue on twice a week until someone decides they are worthy enough of having me grace their premises each day to drink coffee & surf the internet....oh and pay me handsomely just for the privilege...HA!
I pissed AH off tonight, and his plans got ruined....not my fault, but I didn't cop any abuse either, so no news there either....yes....getting VERY worried.
Think my life is getting too boring!
Kids have been thrown into turmoil again, by the AH finding his very own bach pad, feels like we're breaking up all over again....rough times....but I'm sure we'll be OK....am enjoying the extra cuddles....even if I do get screamed at for an hour before hand....
Well that'll do me for now.....off to curl up on the lounge and listen to the rain for a bit before I head off to bed....oh and drink a gallon of water.....kind of did a bit of overkill on the chocolate & ice cream tonight...oops! Can anyone say gallstones? I don't seem to have issues at night though....knock on wood ;-p Oh and still can't get over my weight loss....2 belt holes in a month!!! Crazy I tells ya! Sure it won't last with my recent sweet tooth though lol.
30 May 2008
My mood of late has been a bit crazy....I'm really considering cutting back on my meds, but due to bad experiences, and bad judgement in the past I am hesitant.....I will speak to someone first, but it is playing on my mind.
I'm having crazy lows......BAD lows....not just being apathetic and hiding on the puter or curling up on the lounge.
I'm having crazy highs....like today I got all OCD on the loungeroom...then when it was sparkling I couldn't stop looking at the damn bookcase, and how it needs moving, the books need rearranging, the books need cleaning....alarm bells ringing...who? exactly *cleans* their books.... my dishes need doing but instead I scrubbed spots off the floor that are probably invisible to the naked eye.....
And my "inbetweens" aren't so great! They're my anxious times. My body isn't playing nice ATM. I'm having really bad muscle & joint aches, which sometimes have me in tears, and sometimes just leave me pondering that something is just NQR. My stomach is still wreaking it's own havoc, I find it hard to eat anything more than a piece of toast, without struggling to keep it down...drinking isn't a problem...but again if I go over a certain amount, it threatens to repeat itself.....and again pains that take my breath away. Not to mention the 'arthritis' in my knee which at the mo is waking me up every night!!! That IS PAIN people...luckily childbirth has taught me to breath through it and it only lasts a few minutes at a time.
Moving on...I am still at the "farking course from HELL "......I can bag it till the cows come home...only because my house suffers, and I could do so much more at home. But mostly the folks there are great, really, they are! And one positive I haven't mentioned I don't think, is that something FORCING me out of the house everyday is brilliant. As much as I say I WAS agoraphobic...I still am....I still struggle to leave the house most days...I still dread the drive to the 'course', I still dread walking in, finding something to say, being amongst people. But once I'm there I tend to speak freely, make acquaintances, apply for jobs, and mostly GAIN CONFIDENCE THAT I CAN SURVIVE IN REALITY! I have been petrified of getting an interview, to the point that I was WAY too picky over jobs I was applying for. Now I am applying for anything, and thinking that an interview....any interview...would be great experience if nothing else. I have expressed my anxiety to a couple of people & they have been sooo supportive, a few even gave their own stories of debilitating anxiety. I am sure I may continue to bag it, seeing I just discovered once my *3 weeks* are up, I still need to go in twice a week, and it REALLY can be frustrating/boring/mind-numbing etc etc....but if all else fails I'll start a tafe course LOL!
Other matters....let's see.....
AH still being *nice*. He was a bit short with me today, but still has me concerned.
The bloke I knew through AH has been stalking me again. I told him we couldn't have anymore contact as long as it was kept a 'secret'.......all had to be laid out or STOP CALLING ME! But he keeps texting & phoning....I ignore both, hoping he will soon get the message! But it stops for a week or so then I get bombarded with "R U there" "R U OK" "Can I call" and my favourite "R U on" ....lol on what? He's drug-fucked...so what can I say.
Oh speaking of drug fucked...there is this guy at a local shop who I thought was quite cute, he was nice and all, but our conversations rarely went past Hi, how you going? kinda stuff...and he was ALWAYS in a rush.... Today I had reason to go into deeper discussion & well, I think he is speeding or coked out of his brain LOL...I have such great taste!
Think I'd better stick to the *single* gig just a tad longer....like a decade or so!
OK I think I can safely open my bottle of red now....was a bit too eager before, at 5.30pm....need to call the kids soon so think I'm safe...off to set up the Wii and have a partay ;-p
27 May 2008
I've had so much time away from the puter it's not funny, well not for an addict like me, I have about 60 blogs to catch up on, no time for my regular groups
The kids were sick too.
I have missed 3 days of the training from hell, due to either mine or the kids illness, which would be FINE if it was the job from hell....but NOOOO I have to do the time no matter what! So the 3 weeks is now drawn out to 3 fucking weeks, 3 fucked up days....give me strength!
DR told me to have today off today, but I stomached food, so went in, and they MADE me do a FUCKING MOCK interview....IN! FRONT! OF! EVERYONE!....Shit like that makes me want to vomit & run at the best of times...but seeing my stomach is shredded & enjoys vomiting any which way it likes at the moment I WAS NOT HAPPY!
I got through it, and they were very kind.....me practically begging not to have to do it must have won me some sympathy votes...ARSEHOLES!
Other than that I've been an awesome mum!
Sunday I didn't leave the lounge (except to vomit & pee) but I still managed to teach my son how to defrost bread in the microwave & make a sandwich. Taught my daughter how to pour a drink. They managed to scale the neighbours fence without me to lift them. Taught my son how to run a shower for himself & his sister without burning either one of them! See I rock! Teaching them valuable life skills!
I did make the error of calling the AH when I was vomiting blood...my intention was for him to stay with the kids whilst I got myself to a dr....well best intentions and all that!
He's being TOO nice at the moment, and it has me concerned!
But on a good note, He finally picked up all his SHIT on Monday....and today...and well there's a couple of things here still....but most of it's gone..
Oh and I am sooo going for Mother Of The Year tonight! I spent 5 hours out at "work" (wink, wink), cooked a roast, FINISHED the dishes, did all homework, tidied the house, am cooking up some home-made chicken stock, supervised the neighbours kid.....AND did a science experiment with the kids!
Need to remember that when I have my normal nights lol!
Oh and did I mention I still hate the pill!!! It's fucking bloodweek AGAIN....ALREADY!!!! The neverending period finished about 2 weeks ago....FOR CRYING OUT LOUD WHAT IS THIS SUPPOSED TO BE FIXING? My skin is worse than ever as well!
OK it's probably not the pills fault this time, and more due to the fact my body has been choosing not to absorb anything recently....but FUCK!
Oh but I HAVEN'T gained weight! In fact, in the first time in 7 years? No...maybe 4?? I dunno...AGES... the scales have tipped UNDER 60kgs!! I would love to celebrate this but again it's not due to the pill or anything I have voluntarily done. And I feel like SHIT, so it kinda takes the shine off IYKWIM. Plus, lets be truthful....give me my old stomach back....and my old appetite, and it won't last long....
OK think the drugs are kicking in, best go check on kids & hit the hay myself *YAWN*
Enough spasticity (yes that is now a word!) from me for one night...or is it a week?
16 May 2008
Nothing much to write about.
Kids are doing well, but aren't really giving me anything blogworthy.
AH the same.
As I am yet to find work, Centrelink have put me in this 'program', and I use that term very loosely...so I am there every day from 9am to 1pm for 3 weeks. Mah Holeee Farking Hell! I'd rather watch paint dry, or chew on glass or something. A group of us sit in a room, where you are not allowed to bring food or drink, and look through papers, and search the internet for work. We can use their computers and their phone, fax, copier etc etc.
Problem is, I do all this at home, and my computer isn't from the fucking dark ages, so it doesn't take me an hour to send one fucking application! And you have to share the computers....so you sit there chatting cos you have read the *1* paper in the first 10 minutes, but it isn't your turn on the fucking dinosaur of a computer!
And then you contemplate stabbing yourself in the eye with a pen.
Then you are distracted by the morons there, who openly have NO INTENTION of finding a job. EVAH! making fart noises....and doing 'druggo' jokes and I feel like I am back in Year 8 rollcall.
Then I wonder if papercuts are enough to allow me to bleed to death....or at the very least have an ambulance called so I can get the FUCK outta there!
Then they tell us we have a 10minute break....which is only enough time to repark my car, so I don't have to pay $6 a day for the sheer joy of my eyes and ears bleeding..... and get a ciggie in.
So I break their "no food & drink" rule and take my coffee back into the room.
What are they gonna do......all the staff there look like they are just out of daycare!
I'm SUCH a REBEL!
So exciting stuff huh....3 days down....12 to go...*SIGH*
On a happier note!
It is 6 months since I kicked the AH to the curb...WOOHOO!
I don't think I am going to be able to afford that trip to Phuket for the 12month anniversary...but hey you never know....could find myself a sugar daddy ;-)
And I have a friend coming to visit for the weekend...so I plan on leading her astray and being the BAD influence that I am BWAHAHA!!! Well after the kids are in bed!
And after I drop them at their dad's tomorrow night...have to work with what I've got people!
And I waffle on as usual...and change the subject 50 times...but that is what I do best :-)
Happy Weekend Everyone!
11 May 2008
Next Year I am going to do whatever *I* want.
It all started at midnight, I was all warm and cozy in bed, drifting off to pleasant dreams. In that twilight zone, where you can still hear things around you but really don't give 2 shits what they are....unless you have to.
So I hear the pitter-patter of (not so)tiny feet.
must be J off to the loo I sleepily surmise.
I hear a bit of a thud
I'm sure I left a light on, he's just half asleep....
Then I hear the tinkling of him doing his business
Ahhh he found the loo....
Then the tinkling gets louder
Surely I can't hear all that from the loo....
Then I realise the tinkling isn't hitting water....it sounds like it's very close, and against a hard surface.
I sit bolt upright, and listen some more.
There is NO WAY that is coming from the toilet....What is going on?
I stagger out of bed, and pull open my door, and step out into the fully-lit hallway, squinting against the brightness....
AND FIND MY SON STANDING AT THE OTHER END OF THE HALLWAY PISSING ON THE FUCKING FLOOR!!!!!
After picking my jaw up off the floor, I ask him what he is doing?
He glances up at me and says "What are YOU doing?"
All the while he IS STILL PISSING ALL OVER THE FLOOR. But I've distracted him so now he is pissing up the FUCKING WALLS AS WELL!!!
I ask him several more times...."J!!! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?"
Eventually I get a response.
The cackling laugh of a fucking psychotic Hyena!!! And he DOESN'T STOP. HE doesn't stop laughing AND he doesn't stop pissing all over the fucking place!
Eventually, after what felt like a fucking hour, he stops, shakes & pulls his pants up.
Then he looks at me and says "What am I doing?"
Fucked if I know!
Like Father Like Fucking Son is all I know!
Then I had to send him to get the mop in his dazed state. I was stranded on one side of the hallway....the only way I could get to the laundry, kitchen, living areas of the house was to walk through a fucking river of urine, and well....FUCK THAT! He may be my son, but FUCK THAT!
Finally I mopped the mess up and sent him off to bed. And MADE him say Happy Mothers Day before doing so, and warning him that he now had a LOT to make up for!
I get up this morning to crappy presents.
The AH gave the kids $10 each to spend at the Mothers Day stall at school.
J spent $3 and pocketed the change.
E spent more and gave her change to J.
There were 2 chocolates in one of the gifts, yep 2 generic pink foil heart shaped chocolates.
But I've been HOUNDED all morning for them.
They want to eat them, Why do *I* get to eat them.
COS IT'S MOTHERS DAY, NOT FUCKING KIDS DAY.
They've been hounding me all fucking day!
I want chocolate.
I want biscuits.
Make me lunch.
Make me a drink.
Lets go out somewhere special.
Okay, says I, we will go somewhere.
I wanna go to the movies.
I wanna go bowling.
Well I don't.
WAHHH not fair...yadayadayada!
So now I think we'll just stay home all day so they can suffer!
And they WILL be cleaning their bedrooms at the very least.
Ungrateful little turds!
E has just stormed off and slammed her door cos apparently I suck! She still wants my fucking chocolate!
Next year I'm having Mothers Day off!
As it should be.
I hope all the other mums out there are having a fabulous day & are getting spoilt rotten!
10 May 2008
I have never participated before.
It is the brainchild of Lightening, who is a fantastic gal, and I need a smile :-)
Please don't slap me if I do this wrong.
A few things have made me smile this week. The first is my birthday present off my mum and step-dad....I asked and I received.... and I actually got it a couple of weeks ago in Canberra, but it still makes me smile on a daily basis :-)
Isn't it pretty! And YES IT IS PURPLE! The AH ran over my last purple bag....so I am so chuffed to have this one :-)
The 2nd one was my first viewing of Yo-Gabba-Gabba!
OMG I nearly peed myself...the kids were laughing just as much!
I cannot find the episode we watched. So I'll give you all I could find!
Who needs drugs...these guys are OFF the planet!
And last but not least, was yet another show the kids introduced me to.
Shaun the Sheep! Again, I can't find the episode we watched so I'll leave you with what I could find.
The AH will be getting rid of the foxtel here shortly....I will miss it just for these 2 shows!
Shape up with Shaun
Just be aware...It will take 7 minutes off your life ;-)
Keep Smiling :-D
09 May 2008
I've had the lowest of lows.
With anxiety, I have been unable to sit still in the house, pacing the rooms but doing nothing, except check my pulse, try and breath normally, and look in the mirror. Yes. I am a freak. What is your name?
I have been literally forcing myself out the door, but nothing is pleasurable, once again it is all about whether people notice I'm losing the plot. When I shake so much that I can't stand. Too much to even sit. People MUST notice surely....and then the cycle begins....and I just get worse & worse.
And then....as it always does....EVENTUALLY...I'm OK! I'm not great, but I'm OK.
Then the exhaustion hits. Usually with depression right on it's tail.
With Depression.....well I don't know WHY this is getting so bad. I am so used to it now. I get suicidal and I know it will pass, so I just try and sleep, or huddle myself up safe in a corner with the mantra "This too shall pass". I feel the tears welling up over anything and everything, ready to break the floodgate....and I just cannot stop it....and I don't know why. I just want it to stop. Again I keep on with my mantra....and it Does pass....but at the moment it is coming back all too frequently for my liking. Disagreements with the AH that just do my head in....and I feel like he still has control over me.
Then there's my "crazies", when I feel like I am one small step from being tipped right over the edge. One small step till I actually DO run down the street naked, screaming profanities at the neighbours & they DO call the men in white coats to come and take me away forever! When I get so overcome at the supermarket, that the elevator music they play is deafening, and everyone is looking at me, and the lights really hurt my eyes and I want to be ANYWHERE BUT in my own body.
Yeah Welcome to ME!
But I've had some really good times too.
Moshing out with the kids to MB20.
Having coffee with them & just laughing, and enjoying their silliness.
Gorgeous Hugs & Kisses that just melt my heart.
Feeling as though I am finally getting on with life after THE AH.
Chatting to people....maybe even forming friendships.
Weeding the garden at dusk.
Getting along with AH.
I just want some Normalness, and if that isn't a word, well it is now!
I'm sick of not knowing how I'm gonna wake up. And sick of not knowing how I am going to be in an hour, 10 minutes, 5 minutes, fuck even 1 minute!
I'm sick of the fucking roller coaster!
And I wanna get off!
I can do all of the above, if I'm only hit with one at a time. I can do the "crazies". I can do the depression. I can do the anxiety. And I can definitely do the highs. I just cannot do the four seasons in one day.....in one hour.
I don't know if my drugs aren't working, if it's the pill, or it's life just catching up with me.
But I'm tired, and I want a break!
06 May 2008
I had grand plans today & how I was going to spend it.
But the old fuck-tard Murphy decided to pay a visit so I spent the day chasing away a migraine. Mostly in bed.
At least I wasn't in bed because I was depressed.
That can be my positive.
And also my period hit with a vengeance, if I can even call it my period seeing the last one never quite went away.
Ahhh Life is good!
I had a blog post swirling around in my head for the last week, but now my head doesn't work, so I'm just going to write down the signs I should have heeded....... I mean the gods were fucking SCREAMING at me!!!!!
#1: 8years, 6 months ago, I could see my relationship with my BF was going nowhere, on again, off again, moody for no reason, would leave in the middle of the night...I could go on....so I bought myself an around the world plane ticket, a safari through Africa, and resigned from my job.
#2: 8 years, 4 months ago, I found out I was pregnant. The reaction wasn't good. I was then told to have an abortion, I declined, so he asked me to marry him, I declined, so I got dumped. I also cancelled my trip.
(I asked for him to reconsider after some weeks of not hearing from him, I was scared....silly girl!)
#3: 8 years, 4 weeks & 2 days ago I had refused his proposal for marriage several times, so he sprung on me whilst I was asleep on my birthday, in my haze I said yes. When I woke up I was wondering what had just happened.
#4: We had to beg for our marriage license as we HAD TO marry before his folks went overseas AND before the baby was born.
#5: 8 years & 5 days ago, I had to have a wisdom tooth pulled as it had formed an abscess
#6: 8 years ago today, I woke up with half my face swollen up with red welts on it. The first indication that I was allergic to penicillin. My tooth, or where it once was, got infected, so the Dentist chucked a swab in it soaked with penicillin.
#7: 8 years ago today, My Grandmother FLASHED my best mate, whom were both staying at my house.
#8: 8 years ago today, When the limo pulled up to the church, I had a panic attack & hyperventilated.
Unfortunately, there were plenty of other things after this.....I am almost embarrassed to admit how many, and how many times I went back for more....but I'll leave that for another time....maybe.....and 8 is fitting for today.
So raise your glasses please.
Here's to a fucking fantastical phenomenal 8 years ahead!
May they be better than the last!
Have a drink for me....I would but my head still hurts....
04 May 2008
You may not want to read this if you get all funny over 'women's issues'.
.....How long does it take for someone to bleed to death?
A friend of mine once told me a joke.
"What is the only animal that can bleed for 5 days & not die?"
Obviously the 'friend' was a bloke!
So how long can it go on before I do.
It all started when I finally got to see the gyno, to check the AH hadn't given me any little going away presents from the fine establishments he frequents.
Oh and chuck in a pap-smear whilst your there cos it's only been....ummmm....how old is my youngest????
And if I'm lying there with it all laid out on a platter, I may as well get the works right!
And it was awful, uncomfortable & embarrassing....exactly the reasons I put such visits off....proving me right....and why I'll probably wait another 6 years!
I mean she didn't even cover me with a sheet....I know that is totally psychological...but still!
I'm lying there, looking at the ceiling, trying to think of England, not the cobwebs she probably needs to dust off when I hear her say....
"Put your hands into a fist & put them up your bum!"
Shaken back to reality...I was forced to look at her...and said "Ummmm WHAT?!"
She repeated.....doing the actions this time....speaking S...L...O...W...L...Y....
"Put your hands into a fist"
"And put them under your bum"
Now she's looking like a flight attendant showing me how to inflate my life jacket. Then adds...
"I can't get a clear view"
I just died a thousand deaths! But at least I don't have to stick my fists UP my bum!
Anyhoo, ahem, now that I have that off my chest, we then also discussed other general issues, and she came to the conclusion that I probably have endometriosis, and that I should try going on the pill, to see if that helps. The deal-breaker was when she told me that I could miss, every 2nd or 3rd period....BONUS!!!! Blood Week is never a happy time in this house....for anyone! Only having to endure it 4-6 times a year would be HEAVEN!
So I paid her my money, and hauled my arse out of her office with my dignity dragging behind me in shreds....
Then spent a small fortune on the Pill, simply because this *special, more expensive pill* had the bonuses of clear skin & no weight gain.....and imagine the costs saved on products.......sounded absolutely magical!
But as with all things....if it sounds too good to be true, then it probably is.
I started the pill on my next period......and it is still going.......3 WEEKS LATER!!!!!
I am soooooo NOT LOVING THIS!
Yesterday I took the first sugar pill....which should signify the start of my NEXT period.....I'm thinking surely this has to STOP SOON! But NOOOO now I'm getting all the symptoms that I am trying to be rid of.....aches, pains, nausea, tiredness, bloating,mad cow disease. (Well they hadn't actually disappeared entirely...so they are just revving up the volume...SO happy!)
When is it going to end?
Will I bleed to death first?
Will I end up in a psych ward?
Cause Blood Week sucks.....but Blood MONTH is HELL!!!!
02 May 2008
And he aint happy.
I ended up hanging up on him.
Don't need his abuse.
Won't stand for his abuse anymore!
His claim is that the Child Support he pays covers clothing, medical and school.
Roof over their heads, electricity, gas, food is all questionable.
I said yes, when I got the full child support, I didn't ask for his help.
He now claims to CS he has the children more.
So he pays less.
He says he has them a third of the time.
Therefore he should cover a third of their schooling.
They aren't in a public school, they are in a Catholic school...it aint cheap.
I can't keep up.
He isn't having them for the amount of days he has claimed....so far he is 2 weeks short.
I said that I can't afford to pay their fees. (Please let me get a job!)
You're saying no?
The phone has been ringing off the hook!
I'm not answering!
Where are the kids whilst he's on his diatribe?
He says check with CSA.
His response: Bullshit!
Honestly, where is the conversation going when all you can say is bullshit & attack someone. The mother of your children? In front of your children I can only assume!
Get over yourself! The question was easy enough. Say no or say yes....no need to step on me cos you think you can....discuss...negotiate...words not in his vocabulary!
I have 2 in mine!
Ooh and 3 more...
GO FUCK YOURSELF!
See....I'm sooo much more mature!
A 2nd home for my kids.
It will be interesting to see how things pan out from now on.
In mediation we discussed changes for when he found somewhere to call his own.
I am curious to see whether they come to fruition.
I also discovered yesterday that he is not having them for the amount of time he had agreed upon.
It will be interesting to see if he now makes that time up.
I got the bill for term 2 school fees yesterday also.
I am still paying off term 1.
I have emailed him asking for help with school fees from now on.
No response yet.
Can't wait for that one.
I am applying for 3 jobs today that I feel I actually have a chance of getting.
So he will have to pick the kids up from school on his Fridays or pay for after school care.
Wonder if he's gonna step up to the Parental Plate, or continue being Mr Disney Dad.
I guess only time will tell.
01 May 2008
"mum, can I spray this?"
I thought a little....he's 7...yes he can spray..
Me: "yep, did you poo?"
Me: "well no you can't then"
Me: "Cos the spray stinks"
DS: " I wee'd, why can't I spray?"
Me: "Cos wee doesn't smell"
Me then thinking...'well it does when you miss the loo and add 2 days'
DS "So when can I spray?"
Me: "When you poo!"
DS : "Why?"
Me : "Cos your shit smells worse than the spray!"
DS: "Ahhhh OK!"
I think it's logical!
And I think my baby's growing up *sob*
30 April 2008
Our weeks have gone like this...E complaining of something Not Quite Right....visit Dr "oooh yes her ears are quite red & there is a lot of fluid, here's some antibiotics, come back in a week or 2"....E's fine again, go back to Dr "yep, all clear"....a week later E complains of something Not Quite Right....visit Dr "oooh yes her ears are quite red & there is a lot of fluid, here's some antibiotics..." and well, I guess you get the picture.
In December I noticed she wasn't hearing too well. And it coincided with her ears again not feeling right....and about 1-2 weeks since her last dose of antibiotics. Seeing a pattern?
We were away, so we went to see the dr again once we returned home. This time we got a referral to get her hearing tested.
The appointment was made.
It finally came yesterday.....yep it took over 4 months just to get the test.
In between we have had the same cycle. Ear bad..take meds...ear good...finish meds...ear bad..take meds etc etc. Her hearing has come & gone....but mostly it's gone! But we waited patiently.
Test results from yesterday? She's deaf! OK not completely deaf, but she has about 50% hearing in her left ear & 60-70% in her right. It is all treatable of course but it's just the extremely long waiting game that drives me insane. The tester said she would be really struggling to hear in class, and if she's grumpy & tired from school that would be why. Well she's a right bitch after school! She has been struggling in class. Emotionally mostly, she's very clever. I had put most of it down to her dad & I separating.
Now once again I am fraught with feelings of inadequacy as a parent. Why didn't I put 2 and 2 together? J had the same issues...his hearing was worse...but he's had no problems since the grommets...or has he?
They both have speech issues that I don't even hear? The tester asked me how her speech was, I said fine...then she noted a lisp! What lisp? That's not a lisp, that's just E.
I know she has some small issues...like trouble with "Th" saying it "f"...but I did that as a kid! Plus with her ED and her lack of teeth, the spacing, size etc....I guess I put down any small differences to that!
So now I want to get J's hearing tested too...just to be sure....as it has been pointed out to me that he still speaks like he has adenoid problems...which were fixed nearly 2 years ago.....and as I am a bad mother, I don't notice and need these things pointed out!
AS far as E goes we are back on the merry-go-round. She is back on antibiotics, because her ears are infected again. And I called 5 ENT's and the earliest I can get in is June 6th.
I HATE having my kids put under....:-(...I sooo don't want to do that again! It was AWFUL! But at the same time why does the process take so fucking long! It's a joke! Once I finally get into the ENT it could take months again for the op....I think we waited 7 months last time...and we pushed it!
So in the meantime, we keep pumping in the antibiotics, which I hate, tell her teacher to speak in her right ear & sit her up the front of the class, and hope the child doesn't get any MORE screwed up & miserable!
28 April 2008
The concert was fucking awesome!
In the beginning the crowd was a little....ummmm.....how can I put it....drab?
I really don't want to offend my Canberra friends, cos I luv em, but, honestly, it was like walking into a set on The Night of the Living Dead, except they didn't want to eat me, but I'm sure a few wouldn't have minded me dead.
They did liven up, but unfortunately the most we got out of the people immediately surrounding us was an ocassional twitch or nod of the head.
I was pumped, jumping out of my skin....so decided to make my own fun.
We had 2 very tall men in front of us, we begged & pleaded to let us in front of them, pointing out that they could be in the last row and STILL see what was going on...they didn't NEED to be third from front! Surprisingly, they refused!
I told the man-mountain in front of us, who looked like he was waiting for his enema to come on rather than THE.BEST.BAND.EVAH!, that "Rob" had come all this way just to see ME! He snarled. His friend laughed, and said "yeah, that's what every girl here is saying"... I stopped smiling, looked him square in the eye and told him very matter of factly that all those "other" girls are insane, he was in fact, here to see ME & ME ONLY!
They avoided eye contact after that!
And their punishment? Me going nuts, jumping, dancing &
Then there was the girls, all of 18years of age I guess, asking my sister to put her arms down....WTF? She checked for BO then politely refused. Fuck-knobs! These same bimbo's were arguing over a song's name, near the end, thought it was a MB20 song when they were doing The Beatles! *sigh* The youth of today huh!
Then some chick near us yelled out in a kind of breathless wail "I lovvvvvvve you ROB!!!"
So I called out in an even more pathetic breathless wail "Marrry me Rob!"
It was only the next morning that I realised one of my sisters thought I was doing it seriously!
I was excited, and I carry on with creepy delusions, but I'm not serious! Not that I would ever say no.....I'm a fucking stay-at-home single mum....I'm allowed my fantasies....surely!
But aside from all my carry on, they were FAN-FUCKING-TASTIC!
We were only 3-4 people back from the stage, so we had a great view......He is sooooo much better looking in person. I always find him a bit dorky on video, and he dances weird....but I like dorky. In person though he is sex on legs. *SWOON*
At one point in the concert he went down on bended knee, singing, and we locked eyes, for what seemed like an eternity.....I grabbed M's hand and nearlly crushed it. She didn't believe me (BITCH!) but my other sis S backed me up....even said it seemed to go on for ages *SWOON*
Now I know when I was 14 I SWORE BLACK AND BLUE that Jon Bon Jovi looked at me whilst swaggering over the ramp 10 metres above me......and I nearlly wet my pants..... This time it DID happen, he was only 2-3metres from me, and my very sensible sis is backing me up, so it MUST be true! (and I won't mention my pants).
Concert over, and I was on cloud nine :-) So I put myself further into debt by buying the USB band of the concert & a t-shirt.
Then M & I decided to go out.....yup, I see why people say Canberra is bat-shit boring. I love the place myself, it's great for kids, heaps to do during the day, but I get where the younger-set are coming from, is all I'm saying. We went through a few suburbs and EVERYTHING was shut! Except for one place that was packed to the rafters, had people passed out in the gutters & the footpaths strewn with broken glass. I aint fussy, and I have no class but even I have a line that, when sober at least, I don't cross!
So we ended up at the local club. Which had 4 VERY drunk man-boys....who had obviously been going since the 2-up started....and 4 very sober man-boys who said they had only just recovered from the night before. So being the party animals we are, we had a beer, shared a packet of chips, then walked up the hill back to M's house, where we both passed out cold on the lounge!
And I'd do it all again in a heartbeat :-)
Marry Me Rob!
18 April 2008
That really just stops you in your tracks and lets you breathe?
No matter what else is going on, you are at peace, and you breathe.....as you should!
Not the worry of life. Not the breathe that we all must do, to survive. But you feel that breath like it was your first. And then you smile. And then you hug your kids & count your blessings.
A breath of life.
I only have one....and it does it to me every single time....it's actually a sad song, and the singer unfortunately has passed, but despite this, this song pulls life into me when I feel that I cannot give or do anymore!
Takes my breath away & makes me feel at peace!
**Actually I have 2, and if you click on the link in the title you'll get the 2nd...I am so hopeless with songs, I can love the song, and love the singer but I could rarely name either...and I chose the title by random....THEN I listened...sometimes randomness is best, and chooses what you need!**
16 April 2008
I didn't realise that till now, while I bide time, til I can call my babies & say goodnight.
Today I've been rather sloth like. Got up late, showered late, snuggled on the lounge under a blanket mostly. Contemplating my navel. Wondering where I go from here. Missing my kids.
I need a change.
I just so happened to watch Dr Phil & Oprah....2 things I rarely do...but what else does one do whilst avoiding the world, and having a one person pity party.
But I'm so glad I did.
On Dr Phil, there was a married couple, and it was the AH & I, 6 months ago.
He was abusive. Not physically, but mentally. Constant put-downs.....degrading....disrespectful...arrogant....egotistical...self righteous.....I could go on. He was a PIG! And despite Dr Phil "getting real" with him, him even agreeing with the Doc, he just didn't GET IT! This bloke was right ALL THE TIME. He was BETTER than everyone else. HIS way was the only way.
His wife, just sat there, like a broken shell of a person that once was. She uttered the words that she felt she should leave, but you could see she wouldn't. She was BROKEN. Worn down. Worthless. Fat. Ugly. A bad mother. A disgusting human being. Deserving nothing better than what this vile piece of a man....THIS COWARD....could give her. And what he could give her was NOTHING...she repulsed him.
BUT she was none of those things.
He hated her because of what she had become since they married.
But HE made her those things.
You get put down often enough and you DO believe it.
And even if you do break free, you still have those same messages drilled into you, until you change them, which is not easy.
I felt for her.
I felt for their kids.
AND I saw the AH for what he was, and is, and this PIG for what he is, and that some people just do not and can not change.
I CAN change. I just need to have my mind reprogrammed. The thrill of finally standing up for myself, and saying no more! has worn off & I've been stuck in limbo. Back in the pit of feeling worthless. I have some good days, but the bad days are increasing, so I see that I need to regain control of my life. Find what I like again. Reform friendships. Rebuild relationships.
Then Oprah came on.....and TBH I don't like Oprah....it's usually mind numbing dribble to me. But today she had Louise L Hay on. And a few other guests. The show was on how powerful positive thinking is. I know this is true...it just has to be put into practise....I have done it before, and it has worked.
So I saw this as a sign.
I have her book "You can heal your life", so I am going to read it again.
I also have Dr Phils book "Self Matters", which I have struggled to get past chapter 1 as it was too confronting.
I will read that also.
I'm not saying a book can "fix" me...but I have to start somewhere....and once you take that first step, who knows where the path may lead.
14 April 2008
The AH......and by the way AH now stands for the Anti-Husband....as in the opposite of what a husband should be...like anti-christ....was the nicest thing I could come up with...meh...wasn't worth more brain fodder....he'll be back to Arse-Hat soon enough...
Anyhoo....He is taking the kids away tomorrow for 3 nights!!!! OMG!!! I don't know what I am gonna do with myself...they are staying on the 9th floor....YES the 9th fucking floor people! I don't know....how can you explain a fear of heights when you aren't leaving the ground..... It is consuming my every thought.....and just imagining them running all over that unstable balcony, leaning against that glass which is what? 5mm thick at best, leaning over to "look", putting all their gorgeous weight on that piece of aluminium they call a guard rail, that who knows has built! HOW do I know who built this joint....did they decide to not to do all the safety checks on that particular balcony cos it was nearlly smoko....did they double check all the nuts & bolts? Did they pour the concrete correctly, and keep it wet enough so it set properly.... WHO KNOWS!!!! I am putting the life of my children into the hands of some disgruntled, alcoholic, chain-smoking, union-loving, big corporation hating, incompetent bloke who I have never met. And then for their responsible guardian they have an disgruntled, alcoholic, smoking, union-loving, big corporation hating, incompetent bloke who I know all too well.....no wonder I am going MAD!
So for now I am focussing on the inequity that I am suffering, preparing them for this great adventure!
AND MORE WASHING!
I have to pack all their stuff...because Dad of the year won't keep their stuff at his place. So I have to wash everything, all their new clothes (OK he gets some grace there cos he bought them), which need to be washed in seperate batches, with my stupid fucking washing machine that I have to manually fill, cos it's fucked!
The dryer has been running non-stop!
The house is a fucking TIP as a result, cos I decided to spend time with the kids today instead of clean.
I don't know where their Nintendo's are to charge them.
Nor their I-pods.
Partly due to the fact they decided to share a room from now on, so they moved the beds into one room and the other is a "toy" room...so their crap is everywhere.
They have only just gone to sleep & I haven't even begun.
Now I have to take my meds which make me sleeepy.....
And I can't get out of my mind that fucking balcony!!!
Did I mention a kid DIED where they are staying....I have already banned them from the spa!
How can I ban them from the balcony....they'll be lurving it....as will the AH. I forbid him from getting a room higher than the 3rd floor after the nightmare of staying there last time!!!! Now we are apart...all bets are off!
I feel nauseous just thinking about it!
12 April 2008
I dare ya!
In fact click on all of them for April!
This one is my ring tone!
2 WEEKS TO GO!
I will be on the floor! In the mosh-pit! Squashed up against the barriers! Putting my panty throwing practise to good use! Organising meeting points with my sis for when we lose each other! GOING FUCKING MENTAL!
I CAN'T FUCKING WAIT!
One of my besties surprised me last year??? seems longer, mental illness and all....maybe 3 years was def NOT my 30th...to Rob Thomas tickets...like she was here and we HAD.TO.LEAVE.IN.10.MINUTES type surprise.
HE was FUCKING AWESOME! And we had the worst seats in the house....I did try and sneak closer though! AND I took REALLY dodgy photos on my phone and shared them to all and sundry...ahem...yes it may have looked like a white dot on a black screen TO YOU! But to me, it was DREAMY Rob Thomas! With all detail...if you had a microscope...but again I digress
Gawd.....a good voice does me in!
In 2 weeks I will be there!
Every post this month...the month of my birthday......I have made the title Matchbox 20 or Rob Thomas related. Some are songs (titles), some are lyrics...so if you click on the title you'll get an awesome piece of music....my fave is the "3am" link WHOA! I know I was talking about Daylight Savings....but the song is about his mum when she had cancer...which I can SO relate to. But accoustically it is AWESOME!
Others were a surprise...I just grabbed a title without thinking too much...but the last one (Back 2 good) is his song about cheating lol.
Did I say WOOOOOOPPPDEEEEEEEEEEEEEDDDOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!
I'm goin' to MATCHBOX 20!!!
OK have to wee now ;-p
11 April 2008
Increasingly, he is behaving like the man I married.
As opposed to the whore-fucking, manipulative, abusive, intimidating, unsupportive Arsehole that I endured the last 4 years of our marriage.
Yeah it's nice, but my memory aint that short!
But I still feel a little bad referring to him as the AH....for now....
As well as our 'almost-pleasant' footy trip, and the portrait of the kids he...I mean...the kids got me for my birthday.....and the Fererro Rocher's (ATE THEM ALL and am still alive) at Easter....things have been pretty damn civilised, nice even. We don't have much contact still, but when we do we get along in a minimalistic way, exchange pleasantries, discuss the kids in a caring, positive way (as opposed to defensive & argumentative). Nothing over the top but a helluva LOT better than the ways things were heading before.
Tonight he called the kids, as per usual, then needed to speak to me. He is planning to take them to Forster next week, so I needed the details. This opens a whole other kettle of fish, but more on that later. (FUCK THAT IS GOING TO BE THE LONGEST!3!NIGHTS!OF!MY!LIFE!)
Anyhoo...so somehow the subject comes up about the kids lack of winter clothes that fit. I tried to explain that financially I am up fucking shit creek without a paddle, I am trying to buy bits & pieces here and there, but between school fees, trying to get my car roadworthy, medical bills, and just anything else life can throw at me ATM it's not happening fast enough....
Well actually I think my words were more like " I have a heap of bills ATM, medical, car and other stuff, so I'm trying to get a little as I can..."
So he offered to take the kids shopping to get what they need. Me being Me, said oh no that's OK! He insisted, then asked what they needed.
*should I ask if this is coming out of child support?*
Then continued to say he would say it was from both of us!!! I said there was no need for that, and gave him a short list of things needed. (He is the type to over buy, over spend, and half doesn't get worn.....which is fine, but not necessary)
Then he wanted me to drop the kids off at 2pm tomorrow instead of 7pm, so he could take them.
I agreed. Although I had wanted to do something with them tomorrow afternoon, this was a good deal, and the kids benefited, so I had to quieten that train of thought.
So kids & I continued on with dinner.
Then he called back, and asked if I would like to come shopping, so the kids would see it was from both of us.
I have BIG ISSUES with him being the Disney Dad....what they want, they GET from him, whilst I'm always saying no.
I gave him an out...twice!
Then I agreed.
Am I selling out?
So tomorrow we are again spending some of my weekend time with HIM.
I am sure it will be fine.
And it is for the greater good....
And I am GLAD that he is now willing to do these things. I am grateful even.
Just hope it doesn't come around and bite me on the bum.
Yeah Cynical till the end!
But what should I call him till I'm screwed over again?
XH is like, soooo yesterday, like.