29 November 2007

and it has happened.....


Until now I didn't feel hate....but I do now!

Fucking arsehole wants to be here xmas morning....*let* me have them for a few hours and then have them all afternoon and evening!!!! With HIS family....whilst I sit here and fucking rot!


I can't reply to his email yet as I'll just go ballistic!

I hope his dick falls off & he rots in hell!

26 November 2007

My old friend insanity whispered in my ear...

I found the Viagra on Thursday 1/11/07
I found the cold hard evidence on Friday 2/11/07
I didn't expect finding it to be so easy. I honestly thought I'd be searching for months...at least weeks....but it was easy....and had actually been staring me in the face for over a year. I really believe I weren't MEANT to find it until now. A year ago I was a mess. I was housebound from the agoraphobia, and was struggling to keep my head afloat, I was in the worst depression, and was in no state to do ANYTHING if I had known the truth.
Those 10 days, from when I found out, but he had no idea, to the day he left for his work trip, are all a bit of a blur. I rememeber my anxiety was sky-high....I remember realising I hadn't left the house for days, except for school runs, which were getting harder & harder...I realised I HAD to leave the house. I FORCED myself to go shopping...it was awful....like the early days, but I knew it was something I had to do. I was in regular contact with 2 of my sisters, and my best buddy. It eventually got easier.
I remember driving somewhere at one stage, and I literally thought I had lost my mind! I was just driving aimlessly, no idea where I was going or what I was doing, I was at the brink....I was going to somehow drive to Westmead Psych unit and admit myself. I didn't though. But it crossed my mind a few more times.
Those first few days I was desperate for him not to know what I knew, and my efforts resulted in us having discussions like we hadn't in years. They were great talks....the very thing I've craved in our sorry marriage....but they were FAKE! I even felt sorry for him a few times....but mostly I was sad & angry.... my sister thought I was developing Tourettes(sp?) syndrome...as every time he spoke to me I would SCREAM "HOOKER" in my head, and quite often I would reel back..."Fuck did I say that out loud?" LOL
My anxiety did me in a few times....I would cope with the day quite well, but the thought of him coming home did my head in! And then when he was here, I found it increasingly difficult to play happy families. I opted for easy meals & take away, which meant I didn't have to sit across a table from him, I could barely stomach any food anyway! I burnt or ruined nearlly every meal I did manage to cook too....lol
I lost 5kgs!
He was supposed to leave on Tuesday 13th, but he left on Monday....Holy Fuck was I relieved! I didn't care why? I just knew every day he was there with me knowing and him having no idea, but *maybe* finding out...was sending me closer & closer to the edge!
I went out for Melbourne Cup....which resulted in me not being spoken to for near a week, because Joe's cousins, aunties sisters, nieces, best friends dad's uncles mother said that a 50 year old guy said that I looked like a famous swimmer!!! Yeah...great logic in that one!
(I had a great day though....despite not being picked up by a 50yr old...and it did me the world of good!)
WE fought BIG before he left...and I often brought up..."are you hiding anything?" "How long since you've had sex?"....without actually saying I KNEW anything.......and I've never claimed he was the brightest of the species....but he was clueless....but still denied everything, and repeatedly told me HE was innocent of all wrong doing!
I mean there is DUMB & DUMBER....but where the fuck does he come in......Patrick?
See Spongebob squarepants if you don't understand. ROFL
And if you have a dumber reference...please let me know....Cos whatever braincells the man has left is sure to be sucked up my his next drink....or shot out with his next hit of Viagra with a twist of HOOKER!

Note to others....If you have a panic attack in the limo as it's pulling up to the church for your wedding...take it as a SIGN!


22 November 2007

The whole sorry story......

Well I am officially seperated, and a single mum wiff 2 kids......
On the 1st November DickHead went to work as per usual but left his laptop bag behind. His laptop was at work so he obviously didn't miss it. I decided to have a gander to see if his "secret credit card" statements were in there....Racking up $3000.00 a quarter on what???? But what did I find?? Yes I found some reminders from the secret credit card, but no statements...sigh...then I felt something in an area that didn't seem to have a pocket...ooooh a hidden pocket....ooooh VIAGRA!!!!! WHAT THE FUCK!!!!! The last time we were "together" was February...yes we have a truckload of issues....the prescription date was August 17....hmmmmm....3 out of 4 were gone....hmmmmmmm!
I ring my sister, shaking like a leaf....she says "Fred doesn't have the emotional maturity to carry on an affair" Good Point!
I don my detectives hat....I probably shouldn't say exactly what I did to find out....but BOY DID I FIND OUT! THE ARSE HAT HAS BEEN FUCKING HOOKERS FOR OVER A YEAR!!!! And who knows what else...or for how long....my records are limited. And what FUCK-KNOB BUYS VIAGRA TO FUCK A HOOKER!!!!! yeah a LOSER!!!!
As my psych said....he could have saved himself a mint on viagra if he'd stopped the 1 + bottle/s of scotch a day!!!! Fucking Moron!

I didn't know what to do or how to do it, so I said nothing! My previous attempts at leaving the marriage were met by threats, aggression & intimidation....I had to have a plan!

So we played happy family's, we ate too much "easy" food & take away, as the thought of sharing a table with him made me physically ill. We even went out to lunch with the kids at a pub, and he was wondering why my anxiety was sky-high. Every time he tried to kiss me, my skin crawled, and I had a mini-chuck! He even suggested we have sex (full blown vomiting that night I tell ya *shudder*). My 'moment' came though. He was going away for a whole week for work....a whole week! Hallejulah! I need a plan.

I had Homer Simpson moments...where I thought I had said out loud what I thought LOL that was funny.........

I spent my days organising who I had to speak to, making phone calls, gathering evidence, gathering support & spending as little time alone with him as possible! We had a huge fight the night before he left and I was soooooo tempted to just blurt it all out, instead it went like this...mid-fight...can't remember what started it....
F: "We haven't had sex in months, you won't even sleep in the same bed"
Me: "I wonder why" (Fat slob alcho selfish fuckwit)
F: " because I stink & I snore?"
Me: "Yep and you reek of alcohol" (ahhhh HOOKER!!!! arsehat!)
F: "We haven't had sex in 10 months!!!"
Me: "You haven't had sex in 10 months?" (FUCKING DISEASE RIDDEN MONKEY ARSE)
F: "Well 9....maybe 8...."
Me: "So YOU are telling me YOU haven't had sex in 8 months?" (SCUMSUCKING GUTTER SNAKE)
F: "Yeah well....8 or 9"
Me: *quietly* "Not 2 or 3" (Hope your fucking DICK falls off numbskull)
F: "What....3??? No what are you talking about?"
Me: " Why all the secrecy and paranoia lately?" (Should I cut your balls off with a blunt rusty knife first....or start with circumcision?)
F: "What are you talking about, we discussed this it's nothing"
Me: "So you've got nothing to hide?" (HOOKER!!!!)
F: "No, don't be silly"
Me: "So you can promise me that you are hiding NOTHING?" (HOOKERHOOKERHOOKERHOOKER)
F: "Yeah I promise...nothing"
Me: "OK fine" (FUCKWIT! You have fucked with me for the LAST time........hmmmm circumcision would be best.....nail clippers or the kids blunt craft scissors....decisions...decisions...HOOKER...ARSEHAT! )

:-D Bugger..... Arsehat now makes me smile....Damn you Kelly!

To be continued.....

12 November 2007


Been AWOL lately....
Heaps of shit has been happening, I am married to a fucking arsehole, and it has taken ALL my strength just to get through each day sane....I'm still hanging on, but things are likely to get worse before they get better!
I would write more detail, but I seem to have a reader, and I'm paranoid it's HIM. I doubt it....but I have to think of every possibility!
I'm on the home stretch now.....well the home stretch of this phase!
Give me strength and patience to get through this nightmare!
Did I mention DH is a fucking arsehole? If not...he is!
He is away for work ATM, thank god!