11 May 2008

Happy Mothers Day...Pfft!

Next year I am going to waive my *right* to have my children on Mothers Day.
Next Year I am going to do whatever *I* want.

It all started at midnight, I was all warm and cozy in bed, drifting off to pleasant dreams. In that twilight zone, where you can still hear things around you but really don't give 2 shits what they are....unless you have to.

So I hear the pitter-patter of (not so)tiny feet.
must be J off to the loo I sleepily surmise.
I hear a bit of a thud
I'm sure I left a light on, he's just half asleep....
Then I hear the tinkling of him doing his business
Ahhh he found the loo....
Then the tinkling gets louder
Surely I can't hear all that from the loo....
Then I realise the tinkling isn't hitting water....it sounds like it's very close, and against a hard surface.
I sit bolt upright, and listen some more.
There is NO WAY that is coming from the toilet....What is going on?
I stagger out of bed, and pull open my door, and step out into the fully-lit hallway, squinting against the brightness....

After picking my jaw up off the floor, I ask him what he is doing?
He glances up at me and says "What are YOU doing?"
All the while he IS STILL PISSING ALL OVER THE FLOOR. But I've distracted him so now he is pissing up the FUCKING WALLS AS WELL!!!

I ask him several more times...."J!!! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?"

Eventually I get a response.
The cackling laugh of a fucking psychotic Hyena!!! And he DOESN'T STOP. HE doesn't stop laughing AND he doesn't stop pissing all over the fucking place!

Eventually, after what felt like a fucking hour, he stops, shakes & pulls his pants up.

Then he looks at me and says "What am I doing?"
Fucked if I know!
Like Father Like Fucking Son is all I know!

Then I had to send him to get the mop in his dazed state. I was stranded on one side of the hallway....the only way I could get to the laundry, kitchen, living areas of the house was to walk through a fucking river of urine, and well....FUCK THAT! He may be my son, but FUCK THAT!

Finally I mopped the mess up and sent him off to bed. And MADE him say Happy Mothers Day before doing so, and warning him that he now had a LOT to make up for!

I get up this morning to crappy presents.
The AH gave the kids $10 each to spend at the Mothers Day stall at school.
J spent $3 and pocketed the change.
E spent more and gave her change to J.

There were 2 chocolates in one of the gifts, yep 2 generic pink foil heart shaped chocolates.
But I've been HOUNDED all morning for them.
They want to eat them, Why do *I* get to eat them.

They've been hounding me all fucking day!
I'm hungry.
I want chocolate.
I want biscuits.
Make me lunch.
Make me a drink.
Lets go out somewhere special.
Okay, says I, we will go somewhere.
I wanna go to the movies.
I wanna go bowling.
Well I don't.
WAHHH not fair...yadayadayada!


So now I think we'll just stay home all day so they can suffer!
And they WILL be cleaning their bedrooms at the very least.
Ungrateful little turds!
E has just stormed off and slammed her door cos apparently I suck! She still wants my fucking chocolate!

Next year I'm having Mothers Day off!
As it should be.

I hope all the other mums out there are having a fabulous day & are getting spoilt rotten!

**Edited to add this beautiful letter from DD**
It says " I am out sid beacase I can not do enifing fun. J has had fun why kunt I do enifing fun. Sorry. Me"
Now I am planning on sending her a letter back, asking why can't I do anything fun? It's Mothers Day! GET OVER IT QUICKLY!
But first I have to stop laughing & refrain myself from using HER spelling of *can't* ROFLMAO!!!!
Oh and for those without kiddies it says in laymens terms: "I am outside, because I can not do anything fun. J has had fun why can't I do anything fun. Sorry Me."


The Arthur Family said...

OH HUGS Kirst!! I have to laugh at the peeing incident.. only cause I'm laughing WITH you of course!.
LOVE A's note! she's a great phonetic speller


Anonymous said...

Have to stop laughing to type - at least it was only little boy pee. One night Xh peed on the bedside table in a motel & couldn't understand why I was yelling at him (apparently he thought it was the toilet).

I am so with you on Mothers Day - should be a day of peace & rest.


frogpondsrock said...

Ha.I just clicked over here from Kelleys blogroll.. I love the note ..

I kunt stop giggling hehehehe

cheers kim

Kirstie said...

C ~ thanks honey, if you don't laugh, you'd cry!

Kelli ~ Little boy pee?!?!?! He was peeing for Australia....I thought it was NEVER gonna end, and I'd have to swim for my life!
I also awoke one night to the AH peeing all over the bookcase next to the bed! Was drunk & asleep, I had NO chance of stopping him!
How about next MD we all ship our kids off to their fathers for the weekend & hire a cabin in the middle of nowhere??? I'll bring the whine!

Kim ~ lol it's a pain when you kunt stop hey!