30 May 2008

Kid free night's ramblings.......

Well another week over!
My mood of late has been a bit crazy....I'm really considering cutting back on my meds, but due to bad experiences, and bad judgement in the past I am hesitant.....I will speak to someone first, but it is playing on my mind.
I'm having crazy lows......BAD lows....not just being apathetic and hiding on the puter or curling up on the lounge.
I'm having crazy highs....like today I got all OCD on the loungeroom...then when it was sparkling I couldn't stop looking at the damn bookcase, and how it needs moving, the books need rearranging, the books need cleaning....alarm bells ringing...who? exactly *cleans* their books.... my dishes need doing but instead I scrubbed spots off the floor that are probably invisible to the naked eye.....
And my "inbetweens" aren't so great! They're my anxious times. My body isn't playing nice ATM. I'm having really bad muscle & joint aches, which sometimes have me in tears, and sometimes just leave me pondering that something is just NQR. My stomach is still wreaking it's own havoc, I find it hard to eat anything more than a piece of toast, without struggling to keep it down...drinking isn't a problem...but again if I go over a certain amount, it threatens to repeat itself.....and again pains that take my breath away. Not to mention the 'arthritis' in my knee which at the mo is waking me up every night!!! That IS PAIN people...luckily childbirth has taught me to breath through it and it only lasts a few minutes at a time.

Moving on...I am still at the "farking course from HELL "......I can bag it till the cows come home...only because my house suffers, and I could do so much more at home. But mostly the folks there are great, really, they are! And one positive I haven't mentioned I don't think, is that something FORCING me out of the house everyday is brilliant. As much as I say I WAS agoraphobic...I still am....I still struggle to leave the house most days...I still dread the drive to the 'course', I still dread walking in, finding something to say, being amongst people. But once I'm there I tend to speak freely, make acquaintances, apply for jobs, and mostly GAIN CONFIDENCE THAT I CAN SURVIVE IN REALITY! I have been petrified of getting an interview, to the point that I was WAY too picky over jobs I was applying for. Now I am applying for anything, and thinking that an interview....any interview...would be great experience if nothing else. I have expressed my anxiety to a couple of people & they have been sooo supportive, a few even gave their own stories of debilitating anxiety. I am sure I may continue to bag it, seeing I just discovered once my *3 weeks* are up, I still need to go in twice a week, and it REALLY can be frustrating/boring/mind-numbing etc etc....but if all else fails I'll start a tafe course LOL!

Other matters....let's see.....
AH still being *nice*. He was a bit short with me today, but still has me concerned.
The bloke I knew through AH has been stalking me again. I told him we couldn't have anymore contact as long as it was kept a 'secret'.......all had to be laid out or STOP CALLING ME! But he keeps texting & phoning....I ignore both, hoping he will soon get the message! But it stops for a week or so then I get bombarded with "R U there" "R U OK" "Can I call" and my favourite "R U on" ....lol on what? He's drug-fucked...so what can I say.
Oh speaking of drug fucked...there is this guy at a local shop who I thought was quite cute, he was nice and all, but our conversations rarely went past Hi, how you going? kinda stuff...and he was ALWAYS in a rush.... Today I had reason to go into deeper discussion & well, I think he is speeding or coked out of his brain LOL...I have such great taste!
Think I'd better stick to the *single* gig just a tad longer....like a decade or so!

OK I think I can safely open my bottle of red now....was a bit too eager before, at 5.30pm....need to call the kids soon so think I'm safe...off to set up the Wii and have a partay ;-p


27 May 2008

More useless dribble...

I've been sick...yes, again....I would normally say I NEVER get sick, but the last few months have proven me wrong, so I won't even go there.
I've had so much time away from the puter it's not funny, well not for an addict like me, I have about 60 blogs to catch up on, no time for my regular groups therapy. No Puter is a sign I was really sick, and still am, fuck knows whats wrong really but I look like death, so everyone's telling me, and I just can't get back to right. I do feel better though, so I'll stop the whine.
The kids were sick too.
I have missed 3 days of the training from hell, due to either mine or the kids illness, which would be FINE if it was the job from hell....but NOOOO I have to do the time no matter what! So the 3 weeks is now drawn out to 3 fucking weeks, 3 fucked up days....give me strength!
DR told me to have today off today, but I stomached food, so went in, and they MADE me do a FUCKING MOCK interview....IN! FRONT! OF! EVERYONE!....Shit like that makes me want to vomit & run at the best of times...but seeing my stomach is shredded & enjoys vomiting any which way it likes at the moment I WAS NOT HAPPY!
I got through it, and they were very kind.....me practically begging not to have to do it must have won me some sympathy votes...ARSEHOLES!

Other than that I've been an awesome mum!
Sunday I didn't leave the lounge (except to vomit & pee) but I still managed to teach my son how to defrost bread in the microwave & make a sandwich. Taught my daughter how to pour a drink. They managed to scale the neighbours fence without me to lift them. Taught my son how to run a shower for himself & his sister without burning either one of them! See I rock! Teaching them valuable life skills!

I did make the error of calling the AH when I was vomiting blood...my intention was for him to stay with the kids whilst I got myself to a dr....well best intentions and all that!
He's being TOO nice at the moment, and it has me concerned!

But on a good note, He finally picked up all his SHIT on Monday....and today...and well there's a couple of things here still....but most of it's gone.. who am I kidding...I don't think it will ever be gone ...yeah 'just' the BBQ still...hmmmm....

Oh and I am sooo going for Mother Of The Year tonight! I spent 5 hours out at "work" (wink, wink), cooked a roast, FINISHED the dishes, did all homework, tidied the house, am cooking up some home-made chicken stock, supervised the neighbours kid.....AND did a science experiment with the kids!

Need to remember that when I have my normal nights lol!

Oh and did I mention I still hate the pill!!! It's fucking bloodweek AGAIN....ALREADY!!!! The neverending period finished about 2 weeks ago....FOR CRYING OUT LOUD WHAT IS THIS SUPPOSED TO BE FIXING? My skin is worse than ever as well!
OK it's probably not the pills fault this time, and more due to the fact my body has been choosing not to absorb anything recently....but FUCK!

Oh but I HAVEN'T gained weight! In fact, in the first time in 7 years? No...maybe 4?? I dunno...AGES... the scales have tipped UNDER 60kgs!! I would love to celebrate this but again it's not due to the pill or anything I have voluntarily done. And I feel like SHIT, so it kinda takes the shine off IYKWIM. Plus, lets be truthful....give me my old stomach back....and my old appetite, and it won't last long....

OK think the drugs are kicking in, best go check on kids & hit the hay myself *YAWN*
Enough spasticity (yes that is now a word!) from me for one night...or is it a week?


16 May 2008

I've been a bad blogger...



Nothing much to write about.
Kids are doing well, but aren't really giving me anything blogworthy.
AH the same.

As I am yet to find work, Centrelink have put me in this 'program', and I use that term very loosely...so I am there every day from 9am to 1pm for 3 weeks. Mah Holeee Farking Hell! I'd rather watch paint dry, or chew on glass or something. A group of us sit in a room, where you are not allowed to bring food or drink, and look through papers, and search the internet for work. We can use their computers and their phone, fax, copier etc etc.
Problem is, I do all this at home, and my computer isn't from the fucking dark ages, so it doesn't take me an hour to send one fucking application! And you have to share the computers....so you sit there chatting cos you have read the *1* paper in the first 10 minutes, but it isn't your turn on the fucking dinosaur of a computer!
And then you contemplate stabbing yourself in the eye with a pen.
Then you are distracted by the morons there, who openly have NO INTENTION of finding a job. EVAH! making fart noises....and doing 'druggo' jokes and I feel like I am back in Year 8 rollcall.
Then I wonder if papercuts are enough to allow me to bleed to death....or at the very least have an ambulance called so I can get the FUCK outta there!
Then they tell us we have a 10minute break....which is only enough time to repark my car, so I don't have to pay $6 a day for the sheer joy of my eyes and ears bleeding..... and get a ciggie in.
So I break their "no food & drink" rule and take my coffee back into the room.
What are they gonna do......all the staff there look like they are just out of daycare!

So exciting stuff huh....3 days down....12 to go...*SIGH*

On a happier note!
It is 6 months since I kicked the AH to the curb...WOOHOO!
I don't think I am going to be able to afford that trip to Phuket for the 12month anniversary...but hey you never know....could find myself a sugar daddy ;-)

And I have a friend coming to visit for the weekend...so I plan on leading her astray and being the BAD influence that I am BWAHAHA!!! Well after the kids are in bed!
And after I drop them at their dad's tomorrow night...have to work with what I've got people!

And I waffle on as usual...and change the subject 50 times...but that is what I do best :-)
Happy Weekend Everyone!

11 May 2008

Happy Mothers Day...Pfft!

Next year I am going to waive my *right* to have my children on Mothers Day.
Next Year I am going to do whatever *I* want.

It all started at midnight, I was all warm and cozy in bed, drifting off to pleasant dreams. In that twilight zone, where you can still hear things around you but really don't give 2 shits what they are....unless you have to.

So I hear the pitter-patter of (not so)tiny feet.
must be J off to the loo I sleepily surmise.
I hear a bit of a thud
I'm sure I left a light on, he's just half asleep....
Then I hear the tinkling of him doing his business
Ahhh he found the loo....
Then the tinkling gets louder
Surely I can't hear all that from the loo....
Then I realise the tinkling isn't hitting water....it sounds like it's very close, and against a hard surface.
I sit bolt upright, and listen some more.
There is NO WAY that is coming from the toilet....What is going on?
I stagger out of bed, and pull open my door, and step out into the fully-lit hallway, squinting against the brightness....

After picking my jaw up off the floor, I ask him what he is doing?
He glances up at me and says "What are YOU doing?"
All the while he IS STILL PISSING ALL OVER THE FLOOR. But I've distracted him so now he is pissing up the FUCKING WALLS AS WELL!!!

I ask him several more times...."J!!! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?"

Eventually I get a response.
The cackling laugh of a fucking psychotic Hyena!!! And he DOESN'T STOP. HE doesn't stop laughing AND he doesn't stop pissing all over the fucking place!

Eventually, after what felt like a fucking hour, he stops, shakes & pulls his pants up.

Then he looks at me and says "What am I doing?"
Fucked if I know!
Like Father Like Fucking Son is all I know!

Then I had to send him to get the mop in his dazed state. I was stranded on one side of the hallway....the only way I could get to the laundry, kitchen, living areas of the house was to walk through a fucking river of urine, and well....FUCK THAT! He may be my son, but FUCK THAT!

Finally I mopped the mess up and sent him off to bed. And MADE him say Happy Mothers Day before doing so, and warning him that he now had a LOT to make up for!

I get up this morning to crappy presents.
The AH gave the kids $10 each to spend at the Mothers Day stall at school.
J spent $3 and pocketed the change.
E spent more and gave her change to J.

There were 2 chocolates in one of the gifts, yep 2 generic pink foil heart shaped chocolates.
But I've been HOUNDED all morning for them.
They want to eat them, Why do *I* get to eat them.

They've been hounding me all fucking day!
I'm hungry.
I want chocolate.
I want biscuits.
Make me lunch.
Make me a drink.
Lets go out somewhere special.
Okay, says I, we will go somewhere.
I wanna go to the movies.
I wanna go bowling.
Well I don't.
WAHHH not fair...yadayadayada!


So now I think we'll just stay home all day so they can suffer!
And they WILL be cleaning their bedrooms at the very least.
Ungrateful little turds!
E has just stormed off and slammed her door cos apparently I suck! She still wants my fucking chocolate!

Next year I'm having Mothers Day off!
As it should be.

I hope all the other mums out there are having a fabulous day & are getting spoilt rotten!

**Edited to add this beautiful letter from DD**
It says " I am out sid beacase I can not do enifing fun. J has had fun why kunt I do enifing fun. Sorry. Me"
Now I am planning on sending her a letter back, asking why can't I do anything fun? It's Mothers Day! GET OVER IT QUICKLY!
But first I have to stop laughing & refrain myself from using HER spelling of *can't* ROFLMAO!!!!
Oh and for those without kiddies it says in laymens terms: "I am outside, because I can not do anything fun. J has had fun why can't I do anything fun. Sorry Me."

10 May 2008

Smiley Saturday!

I am breaking my virginity....yeah stop laughing! (If that were true it would be Screaming Saturday)

I have never participated before.

It is the brainchild of Lightening, who is a fantastic gal, and I need a smile :-)

Please don't slap me if I do this wrong.

A few things have made me smile this week. The first is my birthday present off my mum and step-dad....I asked and I received.... and I actually got it a couple of weeks ago in Canberra, but it still makes me smile on a daily basis :-)

Isn't it pretty! And YES IT IS PURPLE! The AH ran over my last purple bag....so I am so chuffed to have this one :-)

The 2nd one was my first viewing of Yo-Gabba-Gabba!
OMG I nearly peed myself...the kids were laughing just as much!

I cannot find the episode we watched. So I'll give you all I could find!

Who needs drugs...these guys are OFF the planet!

And last but not least, was yet another show the kids introduced me to.
Shaun the Sheep! Again, I can't find the episode we watched so I'll leave you with what I could find.
The AH will be getting rid of the foxtel here shortly....I will miss it just for these 2 shows!
Shape up with Shaun

Just be aware...It will take 7 minutes off your life ;-)

Keep Smiling :-D


09 May 2008

I hate rollercoasters!

The last few weeks I've been all over the place, and I can't seem to put my finger on WHY.
I've had the lowest of lows.
With anxiety, I have been unable to sit still in the house, pacing the rooms but doing nothing, except check my pulse, try and breath normally, and look in the mirror. Yes. I am a freak. What is your name?
I have been literally forcing myself out the door, but nothing is pleasurable, once again it is all about whether people notice I'm losing the plot. When I shake so much that I can't stand. Too much to even sit. People MUST notice surely....and then the cycle begins....and I just get worse & worse.
And then....as it always does....EVENTUALLY...I'm OK! I'm not great, but I'm OK.
Then the exhaustion hits. Usually with depression right on it's tail.
With Depression.....well I don't know WHY this is getting so bad. I am so used to it now. I get suicidal and I know it will pass, so I just try and sleep, or huddle myself up safe in a corner with the mantra "This too shall pass". I feel the tears welling up over anything and everything, ready to break the floodgate....and I just cannot stop it....and I don't know why. I just want it to stop. Again I keep on with my mantra....and it Does pass....but at the moment it is coming back all too frequently for my liking. Disagreements with the AH that just do my head in....and I feel like he still has control over me.
Then there's my "crazies", when I feel like I am one small step from being tipped right over the edge. One small step till I actually DO run down the street naked, screaming profanities at the neighbours & they DO call the men in white coats to come and take me away forever! When I get so overcome at the supermarket, that the elevator music they play is deafening, and everyone is looking at me, and the lights really hurt my eyes and I want to be ANYWHERE BUT in my own body.
Yeah Welcome to ME!
But I've had some really good times too.
Moshing out with the kids to MB20.
Having coffee with them & just laughing, and enjoying their silliness.
Gorgeous Hugs & Kisses that just melt my heart.
Feeling as though I am finally getting on with life after THE AH.
Chatting to people....maybe even forming friendships.
Weeding the garden at dusk.
Getting along with AH.

I just want some Normalness, and if that isn't a word, well it is now!
I'm sick of not knowing how I'm gonna wake up. And sick of not knowing how I am going to be in an hour, 10 minutes, 5 minutes, fuck even 1 minute!

I'm sick of the fucking roller coaster!
And I wanna get off!
I can do all of the above, if I'm only hit with one at a time. I can do the "crazies". I can do the depression. I can do the anxiety. And I can definitely do the highs. I just cannot do the four seasons in one day.....in one hour.

I don't know if my drugs aren't working, if it's the pill, or it's life just catching up with me.
But I'm tired, and I want a break!


06 May 2008

Lucky I got out on good behaviour!

Well maybe I wasn't THAT good, but overall I think I was better behaved than my cell-mate.

I had grand plans today & how I was going to spend it.
But the old fuck-tard Murphy decided to pay a visit so I spent the day chasing away a migraine. Mostly in bed.
At least I wasn't in bed because I was depressed.
That can be my positive.
And also my period hit with a vengeance, if I can even call it my period seeing the last one never quite went away.
Ahhh Life is good!

I had a blog post swirling around in my head for the last week, but now my head doesn't work, so I'm just going to write down the signs I should have heeded....... I mean the gods were fucking SCREAMING at me!!!!!

#1: 8years, 6 months ago, I could see my relationship with my BF was going nowhere, on again, off again, moody for no reason, would leave in the middle of the night...I could go on....so I bought myself an around the world plane ticket, a safari through Africa, and resigned from my job.

#2: 8 years, 4 months ago, I found out I was pregnant. The reaction wasn't good. I was then told to have an abortion, I declined, so he asked me to marry him, I declined, so I got dumped. I also cancelled my trip.
(I asked for him to reconsider after some weeks of not hearing from him, I was scared....silly girl!)

#3: 8 years, 4 weeks & 2 days ago I had refused his proposal for marriage several times, so he sprung on me whilst I was asleep on my birthday, in my haze I said yes. When I woke up I was wondering what had just happened.

#4: We had to beg for our marriage license as we HAD TO marry before his folks went overseas AND before the baby was born.

#5: 8 years & 5 days ago, I had to have a wisdom tooth pulled as it had formed an abscess

#6: 8 years ago today, I woke up with half my face swollen up with red welts on it. The first indication that I was allergic to penicillin. My tooth, or where it once was, got infected, so the Dentist chucked a swab in it soaked with penicillin.

#7: 8 years ago today, My Grandmother FLASHED my best mate, whom were both staying at my house.

#8: 8 years ago today, When the limo pulled up to the church, I had a panic attack & hyperventilated.

Unfortunately, there were plenty of other things after this.....I am almost embarrassed to admit how many, and how many times I went back for more....but I'll leave that for another time....maybe.....and 8 is fitting for today.

So raise your glasses please.
Here's to a fucking fantastical phenomenal 8 years ahead!
May they be better than the last!
Have a drink for me....I would but my head still hurts....


04 May 2008

I am wondering......

You may not want to read this if you get all funny over 'women's issues'.

.....How long does it take for someone to bleed to death?

A friend of mine once told me a joke.
"What is the only animal that can bleed for 5 days & not die?"
"A woman!"

Obviously the 'friend' was a bloke!

So how long can it go on before I do.

It all started when I finally got to see the gyno, to check the AH hadn't given me any little going away presents from the fine establishments he frequents.

Oh and chuck in a pap-smear whilst your there cos it's only been....ummmm....how old is my youngest????

And if I'm lying there with it all laid out on a platter, I may as well get the works right!

And it was awful, uncomfortable & embarrassing....exactly the reasons I put such visits off....proving me right....and why I'll probably wait another 6 years!

I mean she didn't even cover me with a sheet....I know that is totally psychological...but still!

I'm lying there, looking at the ceiling, trying to think of England, not the cobwebs she probably needs to dust off when I hear her say....
"Put your hands into a fist & put them up your bum!"

Shaken back to reality...I was forced to look at her...and said "Ummmm WHAT?!"

She repeated.....doing the actions this time....speaking S...L...O...W...L...Y....
"Put your hands into a fist"
She demonstrates.
"And put them under your bum"
Now she's looking like a flight attendant showing me how to inflate my life jacket. Then adds...
"I can't get a clear view"

I just died a thousand deaths! But at least I don't have to stick my fists UP my bum!

Anyhoo, ahem, now that I have that off my chest, we then also discussed other general issues, and she came to the conclusion that I probably have endometriosis, and that I should try going on the pill, to see if that helps. The deal-breaker was when she told me that I could miss, every 2nd or 3rd period....BONUS!!!! Blood Week is never a happy time in this house....for anyone! Only having to endure it 4-6 times a year would be HEAVEN!

So I paid her my money, and hauled my arse out of her office with my dignity dragging behind me in shreds....
Then spent a small fortune on the Pill, simply because this *special, more expensive pill* had the bonuses of clear skin & no weight gain.....and imagine the costs saved on products.......sounded absolutely magical!

But as with all things....if it sounds too good to be true, then it probably is.

I started the pill on my next period......and it is still going.......3 WEEKS LATER!!!!!
I am soooooo NOT LOVING THIS!

Yesterday I took the first sugar pill....which should signify the start of my NEXT period.....I'm thinking surely this has to STOP SOON! But NOOOO now I'm getting all the symptoms that I am trying to be rid of.....aches, pains, nausea, tiredness, bloating,mad cow disease. (Well they hadn't actually disappeared entirely...so they are just revving up the volume...SO happy!)

When is it going to end?
Will I bleed to death first?
Will I end up in a psych ward?
Cause Blood Week sucks.....but Blood MONTH is HELL!!!!


02 May 2008

When does it stop being about the kids?

The AH has finally got my email with regard to him contributing to school fees.
And he aint happy.
I ended up hanging up on him.
Don't need his abuse.
Won't stand for his abuse anymore!
His claim is that the Child Support he pays covers clothing, medical and school.
Roof over their heads, electricity, gas, food is all questionable.
I said yes, when I got the full child support, I didn't ask for his help.
He now claims to CS he has the children more.
So he pays less.
He says he has them a third of the time.
Therefore he should cover a third of their schooling.
They aren't in a public school, they are in a Catholic school...it aint cheap.
I can't keep up.
He isn't having them for the amount of days he has claimed....so far he is 2 weeks short.
Response: Bullshit!
I said that I can't afford to pay their fees. (Please let me get a job!)
Response: Bullshit!
You're saying no?

The phone has been ringing off the hook!
I'm not answering!
Where are the kids whilst he's on his diatribe?

He says check with CSA.
I have!
His response: Bullshit!

Honestly, where is the conversation going when all you can say is bullshit & attack someone. The mother of your children? In front of your children I can only assume!

Get over yourself! The question was easy enough. Say no or say yes....no need to step on me cos you think you can....discuss...negotiate...words not in his vocabulary!

I have 2 in mine!


Ooh and 3 more...


See....I'm sooo much more mature!


Times are a changin'

The AH has found a house. Apparently.
A 2nd home for my kids.
It will be interesting to see how things pan out from now on.
In mediation we discussed changes for when he found somewhere to call his own.
I am curious to see whether they come to fruition.
I also discovered yesterday that he is not having them for the amount of time he had agreed upon.
It will be interesting to see if he now makes that time up.
I got the bill for term 2 school fees yesterday also.
I am still paying off term 1.
I have emailed him asking for help with school fees from now on.
No response yet.
Can't wait for that one.
I am applying for 3 jobs today that I feel I actually have a chance of getting.
Working Fridays.
So he will have to pick the kids up from school on his Fridays or pay for after school care.
Wonder if he's gonna step up to the Parental Plate, or continue being Mr Disney Dad.
I guess only time will tell.


01 May 2008

The law of air fresheners..

My son walked out from the toilet today with the air freshener in hand and said..
"mum, can I spray this?"
I thought a little....he's 7...yes he can spray..
Me: "yep, did you poo?"
DS: "nup!"
Me: "well no you can't then"
DS: "Why?"
Me: "Cos the spray stinks"
DS: " I wee'd, why can't I spray?"
Me: "Cos wee doesn't smell"
Me then thinking...'well it does when you miss the loo and add 2 days'
DS "So when can I spray?"
Me: "When you poo!"
DS : "Why?"
Me : "Cos your shit smells worse than the spray!"
DS: "Ahhhh OK!"

I think it's logical!

And I think my baby's growing up *sob*