30 May 2008

Kid free night's ramblings.......

Well another week over!
My mood of late has been a bit crazy....I'm really considering cutting back on my meds, but due to bad experiences, and bad judgement in the past I am hesitant.....I will speak to someone first, but it is playing on my mind.
I'm having crazy lows......BAD lows....not just being apathetic and hiding on the puter or curling up on the lounge.
I'm having crazy highs....like today I got all OCD on the loungeroom...then when it was sparkling I couldn't stop looking at the damn bookcase, and how it needs moving, the books need rearranging, the books need cleaning....alarm bells ringing...who? exactly *cleans* their books.... my dishes need doing but instead I scrubbed spots off the floor that are probably invisible to the naked eye.....
And my "inbetweens" aren't so great! They're my anxious times. My body isn't playing nice ATM. I'm having really bad muscle & joint aches, which sometimes have me in tears, and sometimes just leave me pondering that something is just NQR. My stomach is still wreaking it's own havoc, I find it hard to eat anything more than a piece of toast, without struggling to keep it down...drinking isn't a problem...but again if I go over a certain amount, it threatens to repeat itself.....and again pains that take my breath away. Not to mention the 'arthritis' in my knee which at the mo is waking me up every night!!! That IS PAIN people...luckily childbirth has taught me to breath through it and it only lasts a few minutes at a time.

Moving on...I am still at the "farking course from HELL "......I can bag it till the cows come home...only because my house suffers, and I could do so much more at home. But mostly the folks there are great, really, they are! And one positive I haven't mentioned I don't think, is that something FORCING me out of the house everyday is brilliant. As much as I say I WAS agoraphobic...I still am....I still struggle to leave the house most days...I still dread the drive to the 'course', I still dread walking in, finding something to say, being amongst people. But once I'm there I tend to speak freely, make acquaintances, apply for jobs, and mostly GAIN CONFIDENCE THAT I CAN SURVIVE IN REALITY! I have been petrified of getting an interview, to the point that I was WAY too picky over jobs I was applying for. Now I am applying for anything, and thinking that an interview....any interview...would be great experience if nothing else. I have expressed my anxiety to a couple of people & they have been sooo supportive, a few even gave their own stories of debilitating anxiety. I am sure I may continue to bag it, seeing I just discovered once my *3 weeks* are up, I still need to go in twice a week, and it REALLY can be frustrating/boring/mind-numbing etc etc....but if all else fails I'll start a tafe course LOL!

Other matters....let's see.....
AH still being *nice*. He was a bit short with me today, but still has me concerned.
The bloke I knew through AH has been stalking me again. I told him we couldn't have anymore contact as long as it was kept a 'secret'.......all had to be laid out or STOP CALLING ME! But he keeps texting & phoning....I ignore both, hoping he will soon get the message! But it stops for a week or so then I get bombarded with "R U there" "R U OK" "Can I call" and my favourite "R U on" ....lol on what? He's drug-fucked...so what can I say.
Oh speaking of drug fucked...there is this guy at a local shop who I thought was quite cute, he was nice and all, but our conversations rarely went past Hi, how you going? kinda stuff...and he was ALWAYS in a rush.... Today I had reason to go into deeper discussion & well, I think he is speeding or coked out of his brain LOL...I have such great taste!
Think I'd better stick to the *single* gig just a tad longer....like a decade or so!

OK I think I can safely open my bottle of red now....was a bit too eager before, at 5.30pm....need to call the kids soon so think I'm safe...off to set up the Wii and have a partay ;-p



Bettina said...

Enjoy your Wii party!

I think at times that the OCD thing is another way of being distracted/side-tracked. Sigh.

Kirstie said...

B ~ Yep "all or nothing"....that's my middle name! Hyperfocus on one little thing to forget everything else exists....sigh.....ATM I have no floors lol