The last few weeks I've been all over the place, and I can't seem to put my finger on WHY.
I've had the lowest of lows.
With anxiety, I have been unable to sit still in the house, pacing the rooms but doing nothing, except check my pulse, try and breath normally, and look in the mirror. Yes. I am a freak. What is your name?
I have been literally forcing myself out the door, but nothing is pleasurable, once again it is all about whether people notice I'm losing the plot. When I shake so much that I can't stand. Too much to even sit. People MUST notice surely....and then the cycle begins....and I just get worse & worse.
And then....as it always does....EVENTUALLY...I'm OK! I'm not great, but I'm OK.
Then the exhaustion hits. Usually with depression right on it's tail.
With Depression.....well I don't know WHY this is getting so bad. I am so used to it now. I get suicidal and I know it will pass, so I just try and sleep, or huddle myself up safe in a corner with the mantra "This too shall pass". I feel the tears welling up over anything and everything, ready to break the floodgate....and I just cannot stop it....and I don't know why. I just want it to stop. Again I keep on with my mantra....and it Does pass....but at the moment it is coming back all too frequently for my liking. Disagreements with the AH that just do my head in....and I feel like he still has control over me.
Then there's my "crazies", when I feel like I am one small step from being tipped right over the edge. One small step till I actually DO run down the street naked, screaming profanities at the neighbours & they DO call the men in white coats to come and take me away forever! When I get so overcome at the supermarket, that the elevator music they play is deafening, and everyone is looking at me, and the lights really hurt my eyes and I want to be ANYWHERE BUT in my own body.
Yeah Welcome to ME!
But I've had some really good times too.
Moshing out with the kids to MB20.
Having coffee with them & just laughing, and enjoying their silliness.
Gorgeous Hugs & Kisses that just melt my heart.
Feeling as though I am finally getting on with life after THE AH.
Chatting to people....maybe even forming friendships.
Weeding the garden at dusk.
Getting along with AH.
I just want some Normalness, and if that isn't a word, well it is now!
I'm sick of not knowing how I'm gonna wake up. And sick of not knowing how I am going to be in an hour, 10 minutes, 5 minutes, fuck even 1 minute!
I'm sick of the fucking roller coaster!
And I wanna get off!
I can do all of the above, if I'm only hit with one at a time. I can do the "crazies". I can do the depression. I can do the anxiety. And I can definitely do the highs. I just cannot do the four seasons in one day.....in one hour.
I don't know if my drugs aren't working, if it's the pill, or it's life just catching up with me.
But I'm tired, and I want a break!