Well today marks 5 months since I seperated from the AH.
I didn't realise that till now, while I bide time, til I can call my babies & say goodnight.
Today I've been rather sloth like. Got up late, showered late, snuggled on the lounge under a blanket mostly. Contemplating my navel. Wondering where I go from here. Missing my kids.
I need a change.
I just so happened to watch Dr Phil & Oprah....2 things I rarely do...but what else does one do whilst avoiding the world, and having a one person pity party.
But I'm so glad I did.
On Dr Phil, there was a married couple, and it was the AH & I, 6 months ago.
He was abusive. Not physically, but mentally. Constant put-downs.....degrading....disrespectful...arrogant....egotistical...self righteous.....I could go on. He was a PIG! And despite Dr Phil "getting real" with him, him even agreeing with the Doc, he just didn't GET IT! This bloke was right ALL THE TIME. He was BETTER than everyone else. HIS way was the only way.
His wife, just sat there, like a broken shell of a person that once was. She uttered the words that she felt she should leave, but you could see she wouldn't. She was BROKEN. Worn down. Worthless. Fat. Ugly. A bad mother. A disgusting human being. Deserving nothing better than what this vile piece of a man....THIS COWARD....could give her. And what he could give her was NOTHING...she repulsed him.
BUT she was none of those things.
He hated her because of what she had become since they married.
But HE made her those things.
You get put down often enough and you DO believe it.
And even if you do break free, you still have those same messages drilled into you, until you change them, which is not easy.
I felt for her.
I felt for their kids.
AND I saw the AH for what he was, and is, and this PIG for what he is, and that some people just do not and can not change.
I CAN change. I just need to have my mind reprogrammed. The thrill of finally standing up for myself, and saying no more! has worn off & I've been stuck in limbo. Back in the pit of feeling worthless. I have some good days, but the bad days are increasing, so I see that I need to regain control of my life. Find what I like again. Reform friendships. Rebuild relationships.
Then Oprah came on.....and TBH I don't like Oprah....it's usually mind numbing dribble to me. But today she had Louise L Hay on. And a few other guests. The show was on how powerful positive thinking is. I know this is true...it just has to be put into practise....I have done it before, and it has worked.
So I saw this as a sign.
I have her book "You can heal your life", so I am going to read it again.
I also have Dr Phils book "Self Matters", which I have struggled to get past chapter 1 as it was too confronting.
I will read that also.
I'm not saying a book can "fix" me...but I have to start somewhere....and once you take that first step, who knows where the path may lead.