Menu Plan

As usual 2 easy + 2 takeaway.

1. Spag Bol with dinner rolls
2. Creamy tuna + basil Penne (new)
3. Homemade Pizzas
4. BBQ + salad (I generally choose meat that is on special)
5. Chicken Burritos
6. Roast Chook & veg
7. BBQ + salad
8. Spag Bol with garlic bread (I usually cook a double batch and freeze half)
9. Chicken + Basil Fried Rice (new)
10. Chicken Salsa + mashed spuds + veg

I have 2 new ones this week, trying to find inspiration through cookbooks. Also I really want to incorporate some fish into our meals, my kids have declared they hate tuna, even though I'm pretty sure they haven't tried it, but they love pasta, so I'll try and sneak it in that way :-) When I buy a chook to roast, I get a HUGE one, so the fried rice is a way to use the leftover meat, in a different way than the usual pasta bake I do.

We'll see how we go :-)

A also caved into my week long craving for sour cream yesterday.....lunch is cooking now and I can't wait to smother it in sour cream, mmmmmmmmmmm

Will start my diet tomorrow........bwahaha!

Kxx

Is this my lot in life?

No I don't want to whinge.....and I'm no angel....I just want OUT!

Today was one of my house cleaning days, it's also the day I take the kids out for coffee, which is a nice ritual. Don't be under any illusions that we have D & M's, they usually involve them racing to see who can finish their drink first, and how many freebies they can get out of the shop-owners.....Whilst I enjoy my drink as much as possible, and try and extract some talk out of them lol. They make the best Mochas though :-) And the kids agree about their hot chocolates!
So Fridays are quite nice. Clean & Sparkly house, happy kids and happy mum!

Then HE arrives! He was late tonight, arriving about 6pm. Kids in bath, dinner cooking, sparkly house....all the things apparently important to him (Won't even go THERE right now).
But somethings up. He doesn't grab a drink. The thought goes through my mind that maybe...just maybe...he has chosen not to drink. I know we have money in the bank.....but that other thought is running through my mind.....He's had his fill already......What's coming next?

For the amount he drinks & for the time he's been drinking, and the time we've been married, I STILL cannot always tell if he's been drinking......Probablybecause he is always drinking.......

All we've said to each other thus far is hello....which is normal.....

As I'm finishing dinner I get the occasional glimpse of him in the lounge watching TV, one eyed, his flashing beacon to say he's full. Plus he still hasn't got a drink. Plus he keeps looking at me as if he wishes me dead.

At 6.30pm ( dinner was a bit late), I hear him telling DD to go to bed (????? their bedtime is 7.30-8.00 on a school night????). She laughs & says they haven't even had dinner yet, but he persists for a bit longer then gives up, and falls asleep (passes out).
Dinners ready so DD wakes him....I wish she didn't....he eventually staggers to the table, starts slamming stuff, shoving his food down his throat like a fucking caged animal. I keep my eyes lowered, I do not want to look at him. After he finishes eating he gets up and say he'll do the dishes in the morning...I said 'no worries, I'll finish them off, they are mostly done anyway'. Which was true, I didn't care, and as I'd washed as I went, there were only really the things we were using at the dinner table.
So he glares at me, muttering under his breath, and starts on the dishes, making as much noise as possible, and throws the dish cloths across the kitchen???? WTF!!!!!!!
Then he collapses on the lounge again to watch tv one eyed again.......The kids and I are still eating. (Gawd this gets my goat....I think it's so fucking rude! But that's another whinge.....)
After dinner & clean up, I had given the kids their normal 10min warning till bed, then went outside (I smoke). Next, I hear DH telling them to go to bed.....sigh...here we go..... Anyway the kids tell them they still had 10 mins, this goes back and forth a bit....Then he ROARS "WHO"S THE BOSS?"
The kids reply, in unison "MUM"
ROFL I did giggle for a minute on THAT one.....I have taught them well!
He gave up after that and retreated to his lounge & one-eyed TV watching, before passing out....before the kids 10mins were even up.

God is it any wonder I'm FUCKED UP! The uncertainty of which DH is coming home, drives me bonkers. I hate days like today the most I think, it raises my shackles when he doesn't get a drink as soon as he walks in the door, and I feel like I'm just waiting, and waiting, and trying not to set him off.

The kids are asleep now + I can relax a bit as he should be down for the count now. He'll wake up, but he'll grab his bottle of water and toddle off to bed.

Poor Mr Perfect, he's got it sooo tough. Yeat his drinking isn't an issue as he "is still productive". Productive at what though? Bringing in an income that can barely support his habit? Good for him! His marriage is a shambles, and there is nothing 'material' to show for all his hard work. He's only fooling himself.
And one day I WILL be strong enough to move on.
And one day his kids will realise that snippets of attention, random gifts, and their parents staying together at all costs don't add up to much in the grand scheme of things!

K

Shitty Day

ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

It's 11am and I've only just been able to get myself to have a shower. I hate days like today. From the second my eyes opened I've been ultra anxious. Hate it! Days like today I actually want to have an anxiety attack, cos I just feel like I'm pent up to the point before climax, and the waiting, and the crazy thinking, and the jumpiness, and the internal screaming is just seconds from pushing me over the edge. But of course if you want a panic attack, it never comes! So I feel like I'm stuck at that awful phase, where it doesn't wane, but it won't peak either!

This too shall pass. This too shall pass. This too shall pass.

I need a plan, the house needs some work, and although that won't quell my anxiety, it will be a distraction, give me a small feeling of control, and will stop the "done nothing but pace the house guilts".

So first...
Finish my Morning Routine.
Wash the frypan, that DH apparently washed last night, grrrr

Then my Thursday stuff......lets see......
*computer maintenance
*ALL rubbish out
*change sheets...that can wait...it's too late and looks like rain.
*Filing....I think finding the computer desk would be a better use of my time.

I also NEED to do some relaxation.

I also need to, but not necessarily today...
*Open new ING account
*Download Ricki Lees new song to ipod for DS
*Find the camping recepts
*Find DS shinpads.

I really WANT to curl up in a ball and go to sleep, for a week or so :-(

First a cuppa.....
K xx

ahhhhh the tranquility.....

Kids went back to school today and I did a little happy dance on the way home after drop-off :-) Then I came home and pumped up music with bad language, just cos I could, and cleaned!!!!
The holidays actually went well, and I miss them now....well a little bit lol
I actually did normal mum stuff, I did have to push myself, and I had quite a few about-to-lose-my-mind-strip-off-naked-and-run-down-the-street-screaming moments, and there were many fights & arguments & and me being told how awful I am, but apart from that, It was great :-D

First week we headed off camping down to beautiful Jervis Bay with my 2 sisters & and their kids. DH ended up coming too. But we all had a great time......our feet have ingrained dirt that I'm not sure will ever go away....but it was worth the feral feet. Kids had a blast catching crabs, going to the beach, fishing with DH, feeding all the gorgeous parrots that flock there, playing with the other kids, being feral (and being allowed lol), chasing kangaroos & wallabies, talking to the locals, going to the aboriginal story times.....and the list could go on and on..... Us adults drank too much, ate well, had siestas, and well....relaxed.
The cleanup was a nightmare when we got home....mainly cause I got to do 95% of it......but still worth it....we hope to do it again next year!

This 2nd week, the kids have caught up with their Sydney cousins a couple of times, I took them to the movies, shopping, the park, and the biggie.......
wait for it......

THE ZOO!!!! Yes I took them to the zoo all by myself! AND we took public transport!!!!
We had an awesome day, despite it being stinking hot, and there was trackwork, so it was close to a 2 hour trip each way. But the kids had a blast.....and more surprisingly so did I :-)

Due to all this fun & excitement, the house has slid to slum-like level.....and this is the main reason I was glad to see the end of school holidays....I know.....I can barely say it out loud....me....wanting....to....clean......

But I am also emotionally/mentally/physically exhausted....so I've got a plan....of sorts.....
Today's focus was to get the house to a level that I wouldn't die of embarrassment if someone popped over....so I dusted, vacced & mopped (first I had to find the floors though) and did a few room rescues, still need to put out a few fires and a room rescue or 2, but we are looking MUCH better.
Throughout the rest of the week I will focus a little more on the rooms that need them.

I also desperately need time-out. So I am making an effort to do my relaxation exercises a few times a day.....need some pampering too....will have to think more on that one. Oh and I watched the Young and the restless....beautiful mind numbing viewing ;-)

I've noticed I STILL haven't written about DS birthday and party :-( Bad Mummy!!!!! But with madness, illness, holidays and insanity....time has just ran away from me!
Maybe next time....best be off and do a bit more housework, and mindless tv viewing before pick up time

Anxious but improving...

I've had 2 panic attacks this week! It has been a while, since I have had them, but I've done really well! The first was on Monday, I think, maybe Tuesday, and it was in the car alone, which is often the worst. It was bad, I was shaking so bad I couldn't hold my foot on the brake at the lights, so I had to put the car in park with the hand brake on. I was trying to do my breathing, but my main concern was the pain and new bruise on my forearm, which happened to be positioned above a vein, and had a lump......I don't really admit this freely....but I am kind of hypochondriac, except I no longer go to the dr over such trivial things.....I have in the past and it always came to nothing, so whilst I am convinced most of my woes are in my head, sometimes they do my head in!!!!
I was attempting to drive to Westfields (huge shopping centre) when I started getting anxious & sore, so I decided to go back home, then the panic attack hit, and there was no where I could pull off to the side of the road, and it escalated from there...but see I fed the anxiety by deciding to go home. I realised this, and happily went shopping the next day (allll day). I am also still tired ALLL DAY! I think this is partly due to the fact I was sick, partly to do with me having PMS, partly due to me not venturing out whilst sick (lost my mojo), and a big part because homelife has been unpredictable again. I never quite know if DH is going to come home abusive and angry.....or offering random kisses....or silent & resentful....so the walls go up and he wonders why!
Anyhoo...I had another today...home alone!!! which hasn't happened in donkeys!!! Again it was my arm, the blackening bruise, the loss of strength, the enlarged lump....*sigh*....really it is quite silly.
But again, I pushed myself through the fear barrier and I did some shopping, then cleaned the house, then some more shopping with the kids, then I took the kids to a party, and although I felt at times I was indeed going mad, I pushed on through, and even enjoyed some of it. I think I am finally *getting* that when push comes to shove....I can shove harder than the fear pushes....
I am finally getting to a point also, where I am able to walk out the front door, whether it be to check the mail, or go to the shops, or pick the kids up.... I don't have to spend half an hour preparing myself...I can do it....and even though I may feel apprehensive....I don't think thrice ( I do still think twice)...
Kids are feral I best be a mum and get them to bed :-D
K

I HAVE THE FLU!

I never say I have the flu for a cold, and it irks me when other people say they have the flu, when they obviously have not! So this is a big admission from me.
WHY?
Because years ago I actually got the flu, and it saw me bedridden for 5 days only leaving for the toilet, meds, and water. The flu & the common cold are 2 totally separate and different illnesses.
Last Wednesday, I felt I was coming down with something, or just run down...or something...Then I spent Thursday - Sunday just struggling to get warm....but I still managed the kid stuff and the basics of keeping house.....my glands were huge, I was all clogged up and my eyes & nose wouldn't stop running. I had no cough. But I wasn't bedridden. So it wasn't the flu. Here I was in fairly mild weather in a gazillion layers of clothing, shivering under a feather doona, whilst everyone else was in t-shirts.....but it wasn't the flu. Yesterday I slept, I froze, I couldn't eat, I cried, I couldn't manage to cook dinner BUT I dropped the kids at school and picked them up, so it wasn't the flu.
Last night I woke up in cold sweats many times, kicking the doona off, then searching for a warm jumper & the doona, only to kick it off absolutely drenched a little later, and so the cycle continued, till at 6am I gave up and got up.
DH finally noticed I was sick (it's rocket science you see) and took over the kid-wrangling and got them to school, so I promptly downed some Nurofen to calm my pounding brain and aching body, and curled up on the lounge with my doona and slept some more....... and YES I do have the flu.....you see when I last had it I was bedridden....but I was also single & childless, and housework & cooking did not figure into my daily life.....so I was able to be bedridden.
Why am I on here now?
I just made some instant Thai Chicken soup to enable me to stop the empty tummy from rumbling and allow me to take more drugs. But that soup cleared my nasal passages a little, and reminded me that after all that sweating, I really cannot avoid a shower any longer.
Then I will try and sleep some more before hubby brings the kids home from school & takes DS to Softball training.
Usually sweating signifies the "break" to getting better....so hopefully I'll be back to my old self soon......but my nose is blocked again now......do I really have to have that shower?????
K

Menu Plan

I've been flat out the last fortnight, so haven't had the energy or time to post.....

But here's this fortnights menu plan.
As usual easy x 2
And we'll do take away twice, as DS dance class is now later on Thursday, so we get home too late to cook.

1. Chicken Burritos
2. BBQ Honey Soy Chicken wings with salad + veg
3. Spag Bol
4. Green Chicken Curry (change of plans meant it was missed last f/n)
5. Roast chook (in slow cooker) & veg
6. Marinated Chops & salad (probably BBQ)
7. Homemade Pizzas
8. Steak Dianne, mash & veg
9. Chicken Tomato pasta and dinner rolls
10. Chilli Con Carne

Really struggling with the meal plans ATM, If I feel the same next fortnight, I think I might wing it for a week or so, and try and be inspired in store......and hope it's not too disastrous on the budget, taste buds and waist line :-)

Will try and update on DS birthday and party soon....have to run to the shrink now though..

Kxx