28 September 2007

Anxious but improving...

I've had 2 panic attacks this week! It has been a while, since I have had them, but I've done really well! The first was on Monday, I think, maybe Tuesday, and it was in the car alone, which is often the worst. It was bad, I was shaking so bad I couldn't hold my foot on the brake at the lights, so I had to put the car in park with the hand brake on. I was trying to do my breathing, but my main concern was the pain and new bruise on my forearm, which happened to be positioned above a vein, and had a lump......I don't really admit this freely....but I am kind of hypochondriac, except I no longer go to the dr over such trivial things.....I have in the past and it always came to nothing, so whilst I am convinced most of my woes are in my head, sometimes they do my head in!!!!
I was attempting to drive to Westfields (huge shopping centre) when I started getting anxious & sore, so I decided to go back home, then the panic attack hit, and there was no where I could pull off to the side of the road, and it escalated from there...but see I fed the anxiety by deciding to go home. I realised this, and happily went shopping the next day (allll day). I am also still tired ALLL DAY! I think this is partly due to the fact I was sick, partly to do with me having PMS, partly due to me not venturing out whilst sick (lost my mojo), and a big part because homelife has been unpredictable again. I never quite know if DH is going to come home abusive and angry.....or offering random kisses....or silent & resentful....so the walls go up and he wonders why!
Anyhoo...I had another today...home alone!!! which hasn't happened in donkeys!!! Again it was my arm, the blackening bruise, the loss of strength, the enlarged lump....*sigh*....really it is quite silly.
But again, I pushed myself through the fear barrier and I did some shopping, then cleaned the house, then some more shopping with the kids, then I took the kids to a party, and although I felt at times I was indeed going mad, I pushed on through, and even enjoyed some of it. I think I am finally *getting* that when push comes to shove....I can shove harder than the fear pushes....
I am finally getting to a point also, where I am able to walk out the front door, whether it be to check the mail, or go to the shops, or pick the kids up.... I don't have to spend half an hour preparing myself...I can do it....and even though I may feel apprehensive....I don't think thrice ( I do still think twice)...
Kids are feral I best be a mum and get them to bed :-D

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