19 October 2007

Is this my lot in life?

No I don't want to whinge.....and I'm no angel....I just want OUT!

Today was one of my house cleaning days, it's also the day I take the kids out for coffee, which is a nice ritual. Don't be under any illusions that we have D & M's, they usually involve them racing to see who can finish their drink first, and how many freebies they can get out of the shop-owners.....Whilst I enjoy my drink as much as possible, and try and extract some talk out of them lol. They make the best Mochas though :-) And the kids agree about their hot chocolates!
So Fridays are quite nice. Clean & Sparkly house, happy kids and happy mum!

Then HE arrives! He was late tonight, arriving about 6pm. Kids in bath, dinner cooking, sparkly house....all the things apparently important to him (Won't even go THERE right now).
But somethings up. He doesn't grab a drink. The thought goes through my mind that maybe...just maybe...he has chosen not to drink. I know we have money in the bank.....but that other thought is running through my mind.....He's had his fill already......What's coming next?

For the amount he drinks & for the time he's been drinking, and the time we've been married, I STILL cannot always tell if he's been drinking......Probablybecause he is always drinking.......

All we've said to each other thus far is hello....which is normal.....

As I'm finishing dinner I get the occasional glimpse of him in the lounge watching TV, one eyed, his flashing beacon to say he's full. Plus he still hasn't got a drink. Plus he keeps looking at me as if he wishes me dead.

At 6.30pm ( dinner was a bit late), I hear him telling DD to go to bed (????? their bedtime is 7.30-8.00 on a school night????). She laughs & says they haven't even had dinner yet, but he persists for a bit longer then gives up, and falls asleep (passes out).
Dinners ready so DD wakes him....I wish she didn't....he eventually staggers to the table, starts slamming stuff, shoving his food down his throat like a fucking caged animal. I keep my eyes lowered, I do not want to look at him. After he finishes eating he gets up and say he'll do the dishes in the morning...I said 'no worries, I'll finish them off, they are mostly done anyway'. Which was true, I didn't care, and as I'd washed as I went, there were only really the things we were using at the dinner table.
So he glares at me, muttering under his breath, and starts on the dishes, making as much noise as possible, and throws the dish cloths across the kitchen???? WTF!!!!!!!
Then he collapses on the lounge again to watch tv one eyed again.......The kids and I are still eating. (Gawd this gets my goat....I think it's so fucking rude! But that's another whinge.....)
After dinner & clean up, I had given the kids their normal 10min warning till bed, then went outside (I smoke). Next, I hear DH telling them to go to bed.....sigh...here we go..... Anyway the kids tell them they still had 10 mins, this goes back and forth a bit....Then he ROARS "WHO"S THE BOSS?"
The kids reply, in unison "MUM"
ROFL I did giggle for a minute on THAT one.....I have taught them well!
He gave up after that and retreated to his lounge & one-eyed TV watching, before passing out....before the kids 10mins were even up.

God is it any wonder I'm FUCKED UP! The uncertainty of which DH is coming home, drives me bonkers. I hate days like today the most I think, it raises my shackles when he doesn't get a drink as soon as he walks in the door, and I feel like I'm just waiting, and waiting, and trying not to set him off.

The kids are asleep now + I can relax a bit as he should be down for the count now. He'll wake up, but he'll grab his bottle of water and toddle off to bed.

Poor Mr Perfect, he's got it sooo tough. Yeat his drinking isn't an issue as he "is still productive". Productive at what though? Bringing in an income that can barely support his habit? Good for him! His marriage is a shambles, and there is nothing 'material' to show for all his hard work. He's only fooling himself.
And one day I WILL be strong enough to move on.
And one day his kids will realise that snippets of attention, random gifts, and their parents staying together at all costs don't add up to much in the grand scheme of things!


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