04 April 2008

I don't want to be lonely no more!

I'm soo sick of being lonely.
I'm sick of having nobody close.
Not for the AH.
Not that way.
My closest family members are 4 hours away.
My closest friends are at least an hour away.
I want to have someone I can just pop in on.
Call and invite them for coffee.
Go out on the town.
A few quiet (or not so quiet)drinks at home.
For a shoulder to cry on.
For a laugh.
I'm not much of a phone person. My friends have their own family & lives, so the distance is made further than if we could just drop everything and meet up. It takes planning. And then it is too short, and too long in between.
I want my sisters closer.
I want support that comes from a shared history. I have none of that.
My agoraphobia and depression hasn't helped matters. My kids starting school should have been a great opportunity to make new friends. But I didn't. I couldn't. I'm not good at making friends. Or keeping them. I don't know how.
The upside is that I am making some progress there. It's not easy though. I am in my 3rd year at the school, most friendships have already been formed, I missed the boat. But slowly I am trying to let my guard down, overcome all my fears, and speak to people. I am volunteering at the school, and I even went to coffee with 2 parents the other day....that is huge progress.
Today there is a school picnic, so I'll make the effort to mingle a little more.
I need to get a job. To meet new people. To get a life.
This isn't a new thing.
This has been going on for some time, but it feels worse when I am feeling better, when I am not consumed 24/7 by my anxiety & depression.
Maybe it's just pre-birthday blues.
I don't like birthdays.
Not mine anyway.
It represents another year wasted.
I should go be miserable elsewhere.
And try and think of a happy post for a change.


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