09 March 2008

The kids are still struggling.

After a lull, and life happening, and mediation, and shit happening, and life moving on, and getting complacent......the kids are still struggling with our separation!
E ended up in tears the other night, asking why dad wasn't here, and why he wasn't coming back, at bedtime....gosh those first few weeks were hard! But I am in a better place now. But it still took me by surprise! Poor baby was distraught! But I feel more 'distant' from it now. I used to want to avoid these discussions cos it hurt too much....I just wanted to slam the bastard for screwing hookers, To be honest. So I wanted to avoid these conversations with the kids. I still find them hard. But I just let her know we both love her, which she hopefully knows...God I hope she knows....and that we are still a family...we just live apart. Lots of hugs..... I HOPE I am doing the right thing.
DS said to me tonight, "Why did dad move out of our house?"....like he had no idea....what am I doing wrong? He internalises a lot....but the way he asked was like he had just woken up and realised his dad was gone! I explained that daddy & I just didn't get along anymore, and this way we were happier & so they would be happier. He asked me if I still loved his dad!!!!! After he had just explained that the reason that he and his 'girlfriend' for the last 2 years had split up (too cute....she is now girlfriend to his best mate, which is fine apparently lol) was because SHE didn't KNOW that he loved her awwwwww! I couldn't say no. I don't want to lie to my kids. I said "yes of course I still love him" "He is your dad! He is the father of MY kids! I will always love him, we just can't live together"
The funny thing is, I started that sentence thinking I was lying, and by the end of it, I realised I was telling the truth....how does that work.
I don't have much affection for the bloke, hell I don't even LIKE him, but for the simple fact HE IS MY KIDS FATHER, I will always have 'something' for him. Even if it is only for the benefit of my kids.
His dick can still fall off!
Shouldn't affect him being a dad right!
In the meantime, pray my kids are OK, & I do the right thing by them....I really feel I'm just playing by ear ATM.
K xx


agrantham81 said...

Hey Kirstie,
You are doing a fine job. Of course that sentance wasn't a Lie. You did Love him deeply for a long time, that aint going to change. But what he did is unforgivable and you can no longer subject yourself to that.
Love your kids and you are a perfect Mum.

As for his apendage, well no if it falls of now it wont effect his parenting skills, will just stop him having kids with someone else. Possibly not a bad thing ;-)


Anonymous said...

HUGS Babe! You are doing a fantastic Job with them.. You didn't start loving that guy in one day, and I am sure you won't stop in one day either.. no matter how mad you are at him for what he did.. he is the kids dad so you can't regret the time with him

Love to you

Kirstie said...

ewww I don't love him like THAT ;-p

He had the snip, Amy, so very little chance of him procreating again lol

C, I regret a lot of the time we had, but not the actual having of it, if that makes sense. Wouldn't swap my kids for the world....which means I wouldn't swap the 2 times we concieved, but the rest I could give or take!

But thanks honeys....am doing my best, which is about all one can do....right....

K (am in a bit of bitch-mode 2nite)

Dollfinn! said...

Give them time Kirst, mine were a bit younger than yours when it happened to us (four years now), Boo was 2.5yrs old and took at least 6 mths to really realise that Daddy was NOT moving to the new house and by then we had fianlly gotten the paperwork underway and I got the marital house back again (he didnt want it, spent that six months doing damage to it, but wasnt going to let it go to me until the last minute).

Mr Moo was older, just turned 6 the week we moved. He took it harder and also with his inability to express his emotions properly, he did strange things, like stash all the kitchen knives under his pillow and slash his curtains with them (lace teddybear curtains he had had since birth and loved dearly), peed in bottles (this involved walking past the toilet to the kitchen to get an empty coke or milk bottle to then take back to his room to pee in??).

It really did take a while, however it was harder for him because he saw, heard and understood a lot of what went on, and he takes things in and keeps it there, so by the time we moved back to our house, he was starting to see the games his father was playing, whereas Boo was too little and still doesnt see the games and lies and still adores Daddy.

Moo unfortunately has a love/hate thing with his father, only goes there because i talked him into it(he adamantly refused to go, told his father to Fuck off - i was surprised as Moo doesnt like anyone to swear), but i convinced him he had to go to protect Boo, but while he is there he makes sure he gets the most out of it, ensures his father must buy everything he and Boo see and want (they are very good at it too) and brings it all back here (some i send back cause we have ENOUGH CLUTTER).

I know what you mean about still loving him but not in that way, the closest i can describe is that I love him in a brotherly fashion, even though i hate his guts at the same time.

I wont stop the kids from seeing him, I wont purposely speak bad about him infront of them, but I also wont lie to them cause that will just create more chances of them being harmed, cause mine does the whole blame everyone and everything else (including his children) when he fucks up (like the week before last week when he fed Boo so much dairy that she ended up with severe diarhhea and had three days off school because of it and he actually blamed her - a 6 yr old - for not knowing that lactose free is not actually dairy free or that movie popcorn has butter powder containing dairy proteins, the very same thing she is intolerant too).

Many Hugs, it takes time. You are doing the right things and the kids will respect you even more later down the track.