After a lull, and life happening, and mediation, and shit happening, and life moving on, and getting complacent......the kids are still struggling with our separation!
E ended up in tears the other night, asking why dad wasn't here, and why he wasn't coming back, at bedtime....gosh those first few weeks were hard! But I am in a better place now. But it still took me by surprise! Poor baby was distraught! But I feel more 'distant' from it now. I used to want to avoid these discussions cos it hurt too much....I just wanted to slam the bastard for screwing hookers, To be honest. So I wanted to avoid these conversations with the kids. I still find them hard. But I just let her know we both love her, which she hopefully knows...God I hope she knows....and that we are still a family...we just live apart. Lots of hugs..... I HOPE I am doing the right thing.
DS said to me tonight, "Why did dad move out of our house?"....like he had no idea....what am I doing wrong? He internalises a lot....but the way he asked was like he had just woken up and realised his dad was gone! I explained that daddy & I just didn't get along anymore, and this way we were happier & so they would be happier. He asked me if I still loved his dad!!!!! After he had just explained that the reason that he and his 'girlfriend' for the last 2 years had split up (too cute....she is now girlfriend to his best mate, which is fine apparently lol) was because SHE didn't KNOW that he loved her awwwwww! I couldn't say no. I don't want to lie to my kids. I said "yes of course I still love him" "He is your dad! He is the father of MY kids! I will always love him, we just can't live together"
The funny thing is, I started that sentence thinking I was lying, and by the end of it, I realised I was telling the truth....how does that work.
I don't have much affection for the bloke, hell I don't even LIKE him, but for the simple fact HE IS MY KIDS FATHER, I will always have 'something' for him. Even if it is only for the benefit of my kids.
His dick can still fall off!
Shouldn't affect him being a dad right!
In the meantime, pray my kids are OK, & I do the right thing by them....I really feel I'm just playing by ear ATM.