Ever since E's grommets have fallen out, about 6-7 months ago, she has had constant ear infections....AGAIN!
Our weeks have gone like this...E complaining of something Not Quite Right....visit Dr "oooh yes her ears are quite red & there is a lot of fluid, here's some antibiotics, come back in a week or 2"....E's fine again, go back to Dr "yep, all clear"....a week later E complains of something Not Quite Right....visit Dr "oooh yes her ears are quite red & there is a lot of fluid, here's some antibiotics..." and well, I guess you get the picture.
In December I noticed she wasn't hearing too well. And it coincided with her ears again not feeling right....and about 1-2 weeks since her last dose of antibiotics. Seeing a pattern?
We were away, so we went to see the dr again once we returned home. This time we got a referral to get her hearing tested.
The appointment was made.
It finally came yesterday.....yep it took over 4 months just to get the test.
In between we have had the same cycle. Ear bad..take meds...ear good...finish meds...ear bad..take meds etc etc. Her hearing has come & gone....but mostly it's gone! But we waited patiently.
Test results from yesterday? She's deaf! OK not completely deaf, but she has about 50% hearing in her left ear & 60-70% in her right. It is all treatable of course but it's just the extremely long waiting game that drives me insane. The tester said she would be really struggling to hear in class, and if she's grumpy & tired from school that would be why. Well she's a right bitch after school! She has been struggling in class. Emotionally mostly, she's very clever. I had put most of it down to her dad & I separating.
Now once again I am fraught with feelings of inadequacy as a parent. Why didn't I put 2 and 2 together? J had the same issues...his hearing was worse...but he's had no problems since the grommets...or has he?
They both have speech issues that I don't even hear? The tester asked me how her speech was, I said fine...then she noted a lisp! What lisp? That's not a lisp, that's just E.
I know she has some small issues...like trouble with "Th" saying it "f"...but I did that as a kid! Plus with her ED and her lack of teeth, the spacing, size etc....I guess I put down any small differences to that!
So now I want to get J's hearing tested too...just to be sure....as it has been pointed out to me that he still speaks like he has adenoid problems...which were fixed nearly 2 years ago.....and as I am a bad mother, I don't notice and need these things pointed out!
AS far as E goes we are back on the merry-go-round. She is back on antibiotics, because her ears are infected again. And I called 5 ENT's and the earliest I can get in is June 6th.
Then What?
More Grommets?
I HATE having my kids put under....:-(...I sooo don't want to do that again! It was AWFUL! But at the same time why does the process take so fucking long! It's a joke! Once I finally get into the ENT it could take months again for the op....I think we waited 7 months last time...and we pushed it!
So in the meantime, we keep pumping in the antibiotics, which I hate, tell her teacher to speak in her right ear & sit her up the front of the class, and hope the child doesn't get any MORE screwed up & miserable!
K
30 April 2008
28 April 2008
Marry me Rob!
Matchbox 20 ROCKS!
The concert was fucking awesome!
In the beginning the crowd was a little....ummmm.....how can I put it....drab?
I really don't want to offend my Canberra friends, cos I luv em, but, honestly, it was like walking into a set on The Night of the Living Dead, except they didn't want to eat me, but I'm sure a few wouldn't have minded me dead.
They did liven up, but unfortunately the most we got out of the people immediately surrounding us was an ocassional twitch or nod of the head.
I was pumped, jumping out of my skin....so decided to make my own fun.
We had 2 very tall men in front of us, we begged & pleaded to let us in front of them, pointing out that they could be in the last row and STILL see what was going on...they didn't NEED to be third from front! Surprisingly, they refused!
I told the man-mountain in front of us, who looked like he was waiting for his enema to come on rather than THE.BEST.BAND.EVAH!, that "Rob" had come all this way just to see ME! He snarled. His friend laughed, and said "yeah, that's what every girl here is saying"... I stopped smiling, looked him square in the eye and told him very matter of factly that all those "other" girls are insane, he was in fact, here to see ME & ME ONLY!
They avoided eye contact after that!
BWAHAHA!
And their punishment? Me going nuts, jumping, dancing &screaming singing RIGHT.ON.TOP.OF.THEM... and my sister M wolf-whistling ALLLL night... hee hee not my fault the place was packed!
Then there was the girls, all of 18years of age I guess, asking my sister to put her arms down....WTF? She checked for BO then politely refused. Fuck-knobs! These same bimbo's were arguing over a song's name, near the end, thought it was a MB20 song when they were doing The Beatles! *sigh* The youth of today huh!
Then some chick near us yelled out in a kind of breathless wail "I lovvvvvvve you ROB!!!"
So I called out in an even more pathetic breathless wail "Marrry me Rob!"
ROFL
It was only the next morning that I realised one of my sisters thought I was doing it seriously!
I was excited, and I carry on with creepy delusions, but I'm not serious! Not that I would ever say no.....I'm a fucking stay-at-home single mum....I'm allowed my fantasies....surely!
But aside from all my carry on, they were FAN-FUCKING-TASTIC!
We were only 3-4 people back from the stage, so we had a great view......He is sooooo much better looking in person. I always find him a bit dorky on video, and he dances weird....but I like dorky. In person though he is sex on legs. *SWOON*
At one point in the concert he went down on bended knee, singing, and we locked eyes, for what seemed like an eternity.....I grabbed M's hand and nearlly crushed it. She didn't believe me (BITCH!) but my other sis S backed me up....even said it seemed to go on for ages *SWOON*
Now I know when I was 14 I SWORE BLACK AND BLUE that Jon Bon Jovi looked at me whilst swaggering over the ramp 10 metres above me......and I nearlly wet my pants..... This time it DID happen, he was only 2-3metres from me, and my very sensible sis is backing me up, so it MUST be true! (and I won't mention my pants).
Concert over, and I was on cloud nine :-) So I put myself further into debt by buying the USB band of the concert & a t-shirt.
Then M & I decided to go out.....yup, I see why people say Canberra is bat-shit boring. I love the place myself, it's great for kids, heaps to do during the day, but I get where the younger-set are coming from, is all I'm saying. We went through a few suburbs and EVERYTHING was shut! Except for one place that was packed to the rafters, had people passed out in the gutters & the footpaths strewn with broken glass. I aint fussy, and I have no class but even I have a line that, when sober at least, I don't cross!
So we ended up at the local club. Which had 4 VERY drunk man-boys....who had obviously been going since the 2-up started....and 4 very sober man-boys who said they had only just recovered from the night before. So being the party animals we are, we had a beer, shared a packet of chips, then walked up the hill back to M's house, where we both passed out cold on the lounge!
We Rock!
And I'd do it all again in a heartbeat :-)
Marry Me Rob!
The concert was fucking awesome!
In the beginning the crowd was a little....ummmm.....how can I put it....drab?
I really don't want to offend my Canberra friends, cos I luv em, but, honestly, it was like walking into a set on The Night of the Living Dead, except they didn't want to eat me, but I'm sure a few wouldn't have minded me dead.
They did liven up, but unfortunately the most we got out of the people immediately surrounding us was an ocassional twitch or nod of the head.
I was pumped, jumping out of my skin....so decided to make my own fun.
We had 2 very tall men in front of us, we begged & pleaded to let us in front of them, pointing out that they could be in the last row and STILL see what was going on...they didn't NEED to be third from front! Surprisingly, they refused!
I told the man-mountain in front of us, who looked like he was waiting for his enema to come on rather than THE.BEST.BAND.EVAH!, that "Rob" had come all this way just to see ME! He snarled. His friend laughed, and said "yeah, that's what every girl here is saying"... I stopped smiling, looked him square in the eye and told him very matter of factly that all those "other" girls are insane, he was in fact, here to see ME & ME ONLY!
They avoided eye contact after that!
BWAHAHA!
And their punishment? Me going nuts, jumping, dancing &
Then there was the girls, all of 18years of age I guess, asking my sister to put her arms down....WTF? She checked for BO then politely refused. Fuck-knobs! These same bimbo's were arguing over a song's name, near the end, thought it was a MB20 song when they were doing The Beatles! *sigh* The youth of today huh!
Then some chick near us yelled out in a kind of breathless wail "I lovvvvvvve you ROB!!!"
So I called out in an even more pathetic breathless wail "Marrry me Rob!"
ROFL
It was only the next morning that I realised one of my sisters thought I was doing it seriously!
I was excited, and I carry on with creepy delusions, but I'm not serious! Not that I would ever say no.....I'm a fucking stay-at-home single mum....I'm allowed my fantasies....surely!
But aside from all my carry on, they were FAN-FUCKING-TASTIC!
We were only 3-4 people back from the stage, so we had a great view......He is sooooo much better looking in person. I always find him a bit dorky on video, and he dances weird....but I like dorky. In person though he is sex on legs. *SWOON*
At one point in the concert he went down on bended knee, singing, and we locked eyes, for what seemed like an eternity.....I grabbed M's hand and nearlly crushed it. She didn't believe me (BITCH!) but my other sis S backed me up....even said it seemed to go on for ages *SWOON*
Now I know when I was 14 I SWORE BLACK AND BLUE that Jon Bon Jovi looked at me whilst swaggering over the ramp 10 metres above me......and I nearlly wet my pants..... This time it DID happen, he was only 2-3metres from me, and my very sensible sis is backing me up, so it MUST be true! (and I won't mention my pants).
Concert over, and I was on cloud nine :-) So I put myself further into debt by buying the USB band of the concert & a t-shirt.
Then M & I decided to go out.....yup, I see why people say Canberra is bat-shit boring. I love the place myself, it's great for kids, heaps to do during the day, but I get where the younger-set are coming from, is all I'm saying. We went through a few suburbs and EVERYTHING was shut! Except for one place that was packed to the rafters, had people passed out in the gutters & the footpaths strewn with broken glass. I aint fussy, and I have no class but even I have a line that, when sober at least, I don't cross!
So we ended up at the local club. Which had 4 VERY drunk man-boys....who had obviously been going since the 2-up started....and 4 very sober man-boys who said they had only just recovered from the night before. So being the party animals we are, we had a beer, shared a packet of chips, then walked up the hill back to M's house, where we both passed out cold on the lounge!
We Rock!
And I'd do it all again in a heartbeat :-)
Marry Me Rob!
18 April 2008
All that I am!
Have you got a song that makes you breathe?
That really just stops you in your tracks and lets you breathe?
No matter what else is going on, you are at peace, and you breathe.....as you should!
Not the worry of life. Not the breathe that we all must do, to survive. But you feel that breath like it was your first. And then you smile. And then you hug your kids & count your blessings.
A breath of life.
I only have one....and it does it to me every single time....it's actually a sad song, and the singer unfortunately has passed, but despite this, this song pulls life into me when I feel that I cannot give or do anymore!
Takes my breath away & makes me feel at peace!
K
**Actually I have 2, and if you click on the link in the title you'll get the 2nd...I am so hopeless with songs, I can love the song, and love the singer but I could rarely name either...and I chose the title by random....THEN I listened...sometimes randomness is best, and chooses what you need!**
That really just stops you in your tracks and lets you breathe?
No matter what else is going on, you are at peace, and you breathe.....as you should!
Not the worry of life. Not the breathe that we all must do, to survive. But you feel that breath like it was your first. And then you smile. And then you hug your kids & count your blessings.
A breath of life.
I only have one....and it does it to me every single time....it's actually a sad song, and the singer unfortunately has passed, but despite this, this song pulls life into me when I feel that I cannot give or do anymore!
Takes my breath away & makes me feel at peace!
K
**Actually I have 2, and if you click on the link in the title you'll get the 2nd...I am so hopeless with songs, I can love the song, and love the singer but I could rarely name either...and I chose the title by random....THEN I listened...sometimes randomness is best, and chooses what you need!**
16 April 2008
Bent
Well today marks 5 months since I seperated from the AH.
I didn't realise that till now, while I bide time, til I can call my babies & say goodnight.
Today I've been rather sloth like. Got up late, showered late, snuggled on the lounge under a blanket mostly. Contemplating my navel. Wondering where I go from here. Missing my kids.
I need a change.
I just so happened to watch Dr Phil & Oprah....2 things I rarely do...but what else does one do whilst avoiding the world, and having a one person pity party.
But I'm so glad I did.
On Dr Phil, there was a married couple, and it was the AH & I, 6 months ago.
He was abusive. Not physically, but mentally. Constant put-downs.....degrading....disrespectful...arrogant....egotistical...self righteous.....I could go on. He was a PIG! And despite Dr Phil "getting real" with him, him even agreeing with the Doc, he just didn't GET IT! This bloke was right ALL THE TIME. He was BETTER than everyone else. HIS way was the only way.
His wife, just sat there, like a broken shell of a person that once was. She uttered the words that she felt she should leave, but you could see she wouldn't. She was BROKEN. Worn down. Worthless. Fat. Ugly. A bad mother. A disgusting human being. Deserving nothing better than what this vile piece of a man....THIS COWARD....could give her. And what he could give her was NOTHING...she repulsed him.
BUT she was none of those things.
He hated her because of what she had become since they married.
But HE made her those things.
You get put down often enough and you DO believe it.
And even if you do break free, you still have those same messages drilled into you, until you change them, which is not easy.
I felt for her.
I felt for their kids.
AND I saw the AH for what he was, and is, and this PIG for what he is, and that some people just do not and can not change.
I CAN change. I just need to have my mind reprogrammed. The thrill of finally standing up for myself, and saying no more! has worn off & I've been stuck in limbo. Back in the pit of feeling worthless. I have some good days, but the bad days are increasing, so I see that I need to regain control of my life. Find what I like again. Reform friendships. Rebuild relationships.
Discover ME!
Then Oprah came on.....and TBH I don't like Oprah....it's usually mind numbing dribble to me. But today she had Louise L Hay on. And a few other guests. The show was on how powerful positive thinking is. I know this is true...it just has to be put into practise....I have done it before, and it has worked.
So I saw this as a sign.
I have her book "You can heal your life", so I am going to read it again.
I also have Dr Phils book "Self Matters", which I have struggled to get past chapter 1 as it was too confronting.
I will read that also.
I'm not saying a book can "fix" me...but I have to start somewhere....and once you take that first step, who knows where the path may lead.
K
I didn't realise that till now, while I bide time, til I can call my babies & say goodnight.
Today I've been rather sloth like. Got up late, showered late, snuggled on the lounge under a blanket mostly. Contemplating my navel. Wondering where I go from here. Missing my kids.
I need a change.
I just so happened to watch Dr Phil & Oprah....2 things I rarely do...but what else does one do whilst avoiding the world, and having a one person pity party.
But I'm so glad I did.
On Dr Phil, there was a married couple, and it was the AH & I, 6 months ago.
He was abusive. Not physically, but mentally. Constant put-downs.....degrading....disrespectful...arrogant....egotistical...self righteous.....I could go on. He was a PIG! And despite Dr Phil "getting real" with him, him even agreeing with the Doc, he just didn't GET IT! This bloke was right ALL THE TIME. He was BETTER than everyone else. HIS way was the only way.
His wife, just sat there, like a broken shell of a person that once was. She uttered the words that she felt she should leave, but you could see she wouldn't. She was BROKEN. Worn down. Worthless. Fat. Ugly. A bad mother. A disgusting human being. Deserving nothing better than what this vile piece of a man....THIS COWARD....could give her. And what he could give her was NOTHING...she repulsed him.
BUT she was none of those things.
He hated her because of what she had become since they married.
But HE made her those things.
You get put down often enough and you DO believe it.
And even if you do break free, you still have those same messages drilled into you, until you change them, which is not easy.
I felt for her.
I felt for their kids.
AND I saw the AH for what he was, and is, and this PIG for what he is, and that some people just do not and can not change.
I CAN change. I just need to have my mind reprogrammed. The thrill of finally standing up for myself, and saying no more! has worn off & I've been stuck in limbo. Back in the pit of feeling worthless. I have some good days, but the bad days are increasing, so I see that I need to regain control of my life. Find what I like again. Reform friendships. Rebuild relationships.
Discover ME!
Then Oprah came on.....and TBH I don't like Oprah....it's usually mind numbing dribble to me. But today she had Louise L Hay on. And a few other guests. The show was on how powerful positive thinking is. I know this is true...it just has to be put into practise....I have done it before, and it has worked.
So I saw this as a sign.
I have her book "You can heal your life", so I am going to read it again.
I also have Dr Phils book "Self Matters", which I have struggled to get past chapter 1 as it was too confronting.
I will read that also.
I'm not saying a book can "fix" me...but I have to start somewhere....and once you take that first step, who knows where the path may lead.
K
14 April 2008
Damn!
This co-parenting gig sucks at times.
The AH......and by the way AH now stands for the Anti-Husband....as in the opposite of what a husband should be...like anti-christ....was the nicest thing I could come up with...meh...wasn't worth more brain fodder....he'll be back to Arse-Hat soon enough...
Anyhoo....He is taking the kids away tomorrow for 3 nights!!!! OMG!!! I don't know what I am gonna do with myself...they are staying on the 9th floor....YES the 9th fucking floor people! I don't know....how can you explain a fear of heights when you aren't leaving the ground..... It is consuming my every thought.....and just imagining them running all over that unstable balcony, leaning against that glass which is what? 5mm thick at best, leaning over to "look", putting all their gorgeous weight on that piece of aluminium they call a guard rail, that who knows has built! HOW do I know who built this joint....did they decide to not to do all the safety checks on that particular balcony cos it was nearlly smoko....did they double check all the nuts & bolts? Did they pour the concrete correctly, and keep it wet enough so it set properly.... WHO KNOWS!!!! I am putting the life of my children into the hands of some disgruntled, alcoholic, chain-smoking, union-loving, big corporation hating, incompetent bloke who I have never met. And then for their responsible guardian they have an disgruntled, alcoholic, smoking, union-loving, big corporation hating, incompetent bloke who I know all too well.....no wonder I am going MAD!
So for now I am focussing on the inequity that I am suffering, preparing them for this great adventure!
WASHING!
AND MORE WASHING!
I have to pack all their stuff...because Dad of the year won't keep their stuff at his place. So I have to wash everything, all their new clothes (OK he gets some grace there cos he bought them), which need to be washed in seperate batches, with my stupid fucking washing machine that I have to manually fill, cos it's fucked!
The dryer has been running non-stop!
The house is a fucking TIP as a result, cos I decided to spend time with the kids today instead of clean.
I don't know where their Nintendo's are to charge them.
Nor their I-pods.
Partly due to the fact they decided to share a room from now on, so they moved the beds into one room and the other is a "toy" room...so their crap is everywhere.
They have only just gone to sleep & I haven't even begun.
Now I have to take my meds which make me sleeepy.....
And I can't get out of my mind that fucking balcony!!!
Did I mention a kid DIED where they are staying....I have already banned them from the spa!
How can I ban them from the balcony....they'll be lurving it....as will the AH. I forbid him from getting a room higher than the 3rd floor after the nightmare of staying there last time!!!! Now we are apart...all bets are off!
I feel nauseous just thinking about it!
K
The AH......and by the way AH now stands for the Anti-Husband....as in the opposite of what a husband should be...like anti-christ....was the nicest thing I could come up with...meh...wasn't worth more brain fodder....he'll be back to Arse-Hat soon enough...
Anyhoo....He is taking the kids away tomorrow for 3 nights!!!! OMG!!! I don't know what I am gonna do with myself...they are staying on the 9th floor....YES the 9th fucking floor people! I don't know....how can you explain a fear of heights when you aren't leaving the ground..... It is consuming my every thought.....and just imagining them running all over that unstable balcony, leaning against that glass which is what? 5mm thick at best, leaning over to "look", putting all their gorgeous weight on that piece of aluminium they call a guard rail, that who knows has built! HOW do I know who built this joint....did they decide to not to do all the safety checks on that particular balcony cos it was nearlly smoko....did they double check all the nuts & bolts? Did they pour the concrete correctly, and keep it wet enough so it set properly.... WHO KNOWS!!!! I am putting the life of my children into the hands of some disgruntled, alcoholic, chain-smoking, union-loving, big corporation hating, incompetent bloke who I have never met. And then for their responsible guardian they have an disgruntled, alcoholic, smoking, union-loving, big corporation hating, incompetent bloke who I know all too well.....no wonder I am going MAD!
So for now I am focussing on the inequity that I am suffering, preparing them for this great adventure!
WASHING!
AND MORE WASHING!
I have to pack all their stuff...because Dad of the year won't keep their stuff at his place. So I have to wash everything, all their new clothes (OK he gets some grace there cos he bought them), which need to be washed in seperate batches, with my stupid fucking washing machine that I have to manually fill, cos it's fucked!
The dryer has been running non-stop!
The house is a fucking TIP as a result, cos I decided to spend time with the kids today instead of clean.
I don't know where their Nintendo's are to charge them.
Nor their I-pods.
Partly due to the fact they decided to share a room from now on, so they moved the beds into one room and the other is a "toy" room...so their crap is everywhere.
They have only just gone to sleep & I haven't even begun.
Now I have to take my meds which make me sleeepy.....
And I can't get out of my mind that fucking balcony!!!
Did I mention a kid DIED where they are staying....I have already banned them from the spa!
How can I ban them from the balcony....they'll be lurving it....as will the AH. I forbid him from getting a room higher than the 3rd floor after the nightmare of staying there last time!!!! Now we are apart...all bets are off!
I feel nauseous just thinking about it!
K
12 April 2008
Streetcorner Symphony
Click on the title of this post....
I dare ya!
In fact click on all of them for April!
This one is my ring tone!
2 WEEKS TO GO!
WHOOT!!!
I will be on the floor! In the mosh-pit! Squashed up against the barriers! Putting my panty throwing practise to good use! Organising meeting points with my sis for when we lose each other! GOING FUCKING MENTAL!
I CAN'T FUCKING WAIT!
One of my besties surprised me last year??? seems longer, mental illness and all....maybe 3 years was def NOT my 30th...to Rob Thomas tickets...like she was here and we HAD.TO.LEAVE.IN.10.MINUTES type surprise.
HE was FUCKING AWESOME! And we had the worst seats in the house....I did try and sneak closer though! AND I took REALLY dodgy photos on my phone and shared them to all and sundry...ahem...yes it may have looked like a white dot on a black screen TO YOU! But to me, it was DREAMY Rob Thomas! With all detail...if you had a microscope...but again I digress
Gawd.....a good voice does me in!
In 2 weeks I will be there!
Every post this month...the month of my birthday......I have made the title Matchbox 20 or Rob Thomas related. Some are songs (titles), some are lyrics...so if you click on the title you'll get an awesome piece of music....my fave is the "3am" link WHOA! I know I was talking about Daylight Savings....but the song is about his mum when she had cancer...which I can SO relate to. But accoustically it is AWESOME!
Others were a surprise...I just grabbed a title without thinking too much...but the last one (Back 2 good) is his song about cheating lol.
Did I say WOOOOOOPPPDEEEEEEEEEEEEEDDDOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!
I'm goin' to MATCHBOX 20!!!
OK have to wee now ;-p
K
I dare ya!
In fact click on all of them for April!
This one is my ring tone!
2 WEEKS TO GO!
WHOOT!!!
I will be on the floor! In the mosh-pit! Squashed up against the barriers! Putting my panty throwing practise to good use! Organising meeting points with my sis for when we lose each other! GOING FUCKING MENTAL!
I CAN'T FUCKING WAIT!
One of my besties surprised me last year??? seems longer, mental illness and all....maybe 3 years was def NOT my 30th...to Rob Thomas tickets...like she was here and we HAD.TO.LEAVE.IN.10.MINUTES type surprise.
HE was FUCKING AWESOME! And we had the worst seats in the house....I did try and sneak closer though! AND I took REALLY dodgy photos on my phone and shared them to all and sundry...ahem...yes it may have looked like a white dot on a black screen TO YOU! But to me, it was DREAMY Rob Thomas! With all detail...if you had a microscope...but again I digress
Gawd.....a good voice does me in!
In 2 weeks I will be there!
Every post this month...the month of my birthday......I have made the title Matchbox 20 or Rob Thomas related. Some are songs (titles), some are lyrics...so if you click on the title you'll get an awesome piece of music....my fave is the "3am" link WHOA! I know I was talking about Daylight Savings....but the song is about his mum when she had cancer...which I can SO relate to. But accoustically it is AWESOME!
Others were a surprise...I just grabbed a title without thinking too much...but the last one (Back 2 good) is his song about cheating lol.
Did I say WOOOOOOPPPDEEEEEEEEEEEEEDDDOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!
I'm goin' to MATCHBOX 20!!!
OK have to wee now ;-p
K
11 April 2008
Back 2 Good?
I think I need to find AH a new name.
Increasingly, he is behaving like the man I married.
As opposed to the whore-fucking, manipulative, abusive, intimidating, unsupportive Arsehole that I endured the last 4 years of our marriage.
Yeah it's nice, but my memory aint that short!
But I still feel a little bad referring to him as the AH....for now....
As well as our 'almost-pleasant' footy trip, and the portrait of the kids he...I mean...the kids got me for my birthday.....and the Fererro Rocher's (ATE THEM ALL and am still alive) at Easter....things have been pretty damn civilised, nice even. We don't have much contact still, but when we do we get along in a minimalistic way, exchange pleasantries, discuss the kids in a caring, positive way (as opposed to defensive & argumentative). Nothing over the top but a helluva LOT better than the ways things were heading before.
Tonight he called the kids, as per usual, then needed to speak to me. He is planning to take them to Forster next week, so I needed the details. This opens a whole other kettle of fish, but more on that later. (FUCK THAT IS GOING TO BE THE LONGEST!3!NIGHTS!OF!MY!LIFE!)
I digress.
Anyhoo...so somehow the subject comes up about the kids lack of winter clothes that fit. I tried to explain that financially I am up fucking shit creek without a paddle, I am trying to buy bits & pieces here and there, but between school fees, trying to get my car roadworthy, medical bills, and just anything else life can throw at me ATM it's not happening fast enough....
Well actually I think my words were more like " I have a heap of bills ATM, medical, car and other stuff, so I'm trying to get a little as I can..."
So he offered to take the kids shopping to get what they need. Me being Me, said oh no that's OK! He insisted, then asked what they needed.
*should I ask if this is coming out of child support?*
Then continued to say he would say it was from both of us!!! I said there was no need for that, and gave him a short list of things needed. (He is the type to over buy, over spend, and half doesn't get worn.....which is fine, but not necessary)
Then he wanted me to drop the kids off at 2pm tomorrow instead of 7pm, so he could take them.
I agreed. Although I had wanted to do something with them tomorrow afternoon, this was a good deal, and the kids benefited, so I had to quieten that train of thought.
So kids & I continued on with dinner.
Then he called back, and asked if I would like to come shopping, so the kids would see it was from both of us.
I have BIG ISSUES with him being the Disney Dad....what they want, they GET from him, whilst I'm always saying no.
I hesitated.
I gave him an out...twice!
Then I agreed.
*sigh*
Am I selling out?
So tomorrow we are again spending some of my weekend time with HIM.
I am sure it will be fine.
And it is for the greater good....
The kids!
And I am GLAD that he is now willing to do these things. I am grateful even.
Just hope it doesn't come around and bite me on the bum.
Yeah Cynical till the end!
But what should I call him till I'm screwed over again?
XH is like, soooo yesterday, like.
K
Increasingly, he is behaving like the man I married.
As opposed to the whore-fucking, manipulative, abusive, intimidating, unsupportive Arsehole that I endured the last 4 years of our marriage.
Yeah it's nice, but my memory aint that short!
But I still feel a little bad referring to him as the AH....for now....
As well as our 'almost-pleasant' footy trip, and the portrait of the kids he...I mean...the kids got me for my birthday.....and the Fererro Rocher's (ATE THEM ALL and am still alive) at Easter....things have been pretty damn civilised, nice even. We don't have much contact still, but when we do we get along in a minimalistic way, exchange pleasantries, discuss the kids in a caring, positive way (as opposed to defensive & argumentative). Nothing over the top but a helluva LOT better than the ways things were heading before.
Tonight he called the kids, as per usual, then needed to speak to me. He is planning to take them to Forster next week, so I needed the details. This opens a whole other kettle of fish, but more on that later. (FUCK THAT IS GOING TO BE THE LONGEST!3!NIGHTS!OF!MY!LIFE!)
I digress.
Anyhoo...so somehow the subject comes up about the kids lack of winter clothes that fit. I tried to explain that financially I am up fucking shit creek without a paddle, I am trying to buy bits & pieces here and there, but between school fees, trying to get my car roadworthy, medical bills, and just anything else life can throw at me ATM it's not happening fast enough....
Well actually I think my words were more like " I have a heap of bills ATM, medical, car and other stuff, so I'm trying to get a little as I can..."
So he offered to take the kids shopping to get what they need. Me being Me, said oh no that's OK! He insisted, then asked what they needed.
*should I ask if this is coming out of child support?*
Then continued to say he would say it was from both of us!!! I said there was no need for that, and gave him a short list of things needed. (He is the type to over buy, over spend, and half doesn't get worn.....which is fine, but not necessary)
Then he wanted me to drop the kids off at 2pm tomorrow instead of 7pm, so he could take them.
I agreed. Although I had wanted to do something with them tomorrow afternoon, this was a good deal, and the kids benefited, so I had to quieten that train of thought.
So kids & I continued on with dinner.
Then he called back, and asked if I would like to come shopping, so the kids would see it was from both of us.
I have BIG ISSUES with him being the Disney Dad....what they want, they GET from him, whilst I'm always saying no.
I hesitated.
I gave him an out...twice!
Then I agreed.
*sigh*
Am I selling out?
So tomorrow we are again spending some of my weekend time with HIM.
I am sure it will be fine.
And it is for the greater good....
The kids!
And I am GLAD that he is now willing to do these things. I am grateful even.
Just hope it doesn't come around and bite me on the bum.
Yeah Cynical till the end!
But what should I call him till I'm screwed over again?
XH is like, soooo yesterday, like.
K
08 April 2008
Yourself or someone like you.
I got this link from Tess.... looked like fun.....but it is actually scarily true!
K
 You are also a keeper of knowledge - meaning you don't spill secrets or spread gossip. People sometimes think you're snobby or aloof, but you're just too deep in thought to pay attention to them. You tend to be pretty tightly wound. It's easy to get you excited... which can be a good or bad thing. You have a lot of enthusiasm, but it fades rather quickly. You don't stick with any one thing for very long. You have the drive to accomplish a lot in a short amount of time. Your biggest problem is making sure you finish the projects you start. You are wild, crazy, and a huge rebel. You're always up to something. You have a ton of energy, and most people can't handle you. You're very intense. You definitely are a handful, and you're likely to get in trouble. But your kind of trouble is a lot of fun. You are the total package - suave, sexy, smart, and strong. You have the whole world under your spell, and you can influence almost everyone you know. You don't always resist your urges to crush the weak. Just remember, they don't have as much going for them as you do. You are a seeker. You often find yourself restless - and you have a lot of questions about life. You tend to travel often, to fairly random locations. You're most comfortable when you're far away from home. You are quite passionate and easily tempted. Your impulses sometimes get you into trouble. You are friendly, charming, and warm. You get along with almost everyone. You work hard not to rock the boat. Your easy going attitude brings people together. At times, you can be a little flaky and irresponsible. But for the important things, you pull it together. You are very intuitive and wise. You understand the world better than most people. You also have a very active imagination. You often get carried away with your thoughts. You are prone to a little paranoia and jealousy. You sometimes go overboard in interpreting signals. |
K
07 April 2008
I can't get myself to go away.
Well not this year, but if anyone wants to wire me about $100,000,000.00 in the next couple of hours I may be able to wing it.
But I have it sussed, for next year, as long as I win lotto, or meet a sugar daddy.....
But the finer details don't matter right now.
On the 7th April at 11pm, I catch a flight to Honolulu, which takes 9 hours & 45 mins. They are 20hours behind us so I would arrive there at 12.45pm 7th April.
Then on the 7th April at 11pm I catch a flight from Honolulu to Kiritimati, which takes 4 hours. They are 4 hours ahead of Sydney, so I would arrive there at 3am on the 9th April.
(This is why I need mega wads of cash. From my research, I could only find a weekly flight between Kiritimati and Nadi(Fiji) once a week, but you can get private charters between Kiritimati & Honolulu or Fiji, and well, I assume that costs a fair whack of moula...but I digress)
Then at 8am (Have to at least enjoy 1 sunset, place sounds gorgeous) I get a flight from Kiritimati to Nadi, which takes 4.5 hours, due to time differences, I would arrive at 10.30am their time on the 9th.
Then it's simply a 2 hour 40 min flight from Nadi back to Sydney....say I leave at 12pm (leaving enough time for changeover & delays), I would be back in Sydney at about 12.40pm on the 9th of April!
And I'd have missed the 8th altogether! I'm a genius!
I would love to spend some time in Kiritimati, but I have family birthdays on the 9th,10th & 11th April, and I don't want to be disowned. It appears they don't use phones all that much, not sure they even have them, and I'm sure I couldn't afford it if they did!
Kiritimati. Isn't it pretty?
But now a serious question...If you aren't actually present in a day, did that day actually happen?
K
But I have it sussed, for next year, as long as I win lotto, or meet a sugar daddy.....
But the finer details don't matter right now.
On the 7th April at 11pm, I catch a flight to Honolulu, which takes 9 hours & 45 mins. They are 20hours behind us so I would arrive there at 12.45pm 7th April.
Then on the 7th April at 11pm I catch a flight from Honolulu to Kiritimati, which takes 4 hours. They are 4 hours ahead of Sydney, so I would arrive there at 3am on the 9th April.
(This is why I need mega wads of cash. From my research, I could only find a weekly flight between Kiritimati and Nadi(Fiji) once a week, but you can get private charters between Kiritimati & Honolulu or Fiji, and well, I assume that costs a fair whack of moula...but I digress)
Then at 8am (Have to at least enjoy 1 sunset, place sounds gorgeous) I get a flight from Kiritimati to Nadi, which takes 4.5 hours, due to time differences, I would arrive at 10.30am their time on the 9th.
Then it's simply a 2 hour 40 min flight from Nadi back to Sydney....say I leave at 12pm (leaving enough time for changeover & delays), I would be back in Sydney at about 12.40pm on the 9th of April!
And I'd have missed the 8th altogether! I'm a genius!
I would love to spend some time in Kiritimati, but I have family birthdays on the 9th,10th & 11th April, and I don't want to be disowned. It appears they don't use phones all that much, not sure they even have them, and I'm sure I couldn't afford it if they did!
Kiritimati. Isn't it pretty?
But now a serious question...If you aren't actually present in a day, did that day actually happen?
K
06 April 2008
My My My
Well it seems time does heal.
Today was the aforementioned footy trip from hell.
It went well. Wasn't really uncomfortable at all, especially considering 2 out of the 4 hours were spent in the car. I didn't feel the need to make small talk, and neither did the AH from what I could tell. We did some small talk, mostly asking about family etc. At the actual matches we didn't have a lot to do with each other, but we did talk on occasion, and he even got me an umbrella when it started to pour at match #2, so I bought him a sausage sandwhich after the match....my generosity is just exceptional eh!
Even the disaster of us leaving J's Nintendo DS at the first ground, and not realising until we were half way to the 2nd (20mins), went well. In the past it would have caused much bitching, blaming, cursing and carry on, but nothing except a bit of erratic driving. Now that's what I call progress!
He even introduced me to someone (an old friend from school, who's kid has just started at the club this year!).....I never even rated a mention before.
So all in all a SUCCESS! It has been nearlly 5 months since we separated, and I am under no illusion that we won't have rough times, but it was good to put the nastiness aside and just get along.
I won't go as far as saying it was pleasant, but it wasn't negative in any respect so it's all good.
And whilst the kids didn't seem to bat an eyelid, apart from asking me how long it had been since I'd been in Dads car, I'm sure it must have been GREAT for them. We aren't generally negative in front of them, but we aren't overly positive either, so it, hopefully, was good for them to see us just get along and get on with it.
And WOW! I didn't write a negative post for a change!
Stay tuned....I'm sure it won't last LOL
K
Today was the aforementioned footy trip from hell.
It went well. Wasn't really uncomfortable at all, especially considering 2 out of the 4 hours were spent in the car. I didn't feel the need to make small talk, and neither did the AH from what I could tell. We did some small talk, mostly asking about family etc. At the actual matches we didn't have a lot to do with each other, but we did talk on occasion, and he even got me an umbrella when it started to pour at match #2, so I bought him a sausage sandwhich after the match....my generosity is just exceptional eh!
Even the disaster of us leaving J's Nintendo DS at the first ground, and not realising until we were half way to the 2nd (20mins), went well. In the past it would have caused much bitching, blaming, cursing and carry on, but nothing except a bit of erratic driving. Now that's what I call progress!
He even introduced me to someone (an old friend from school, who's kid has just started at the club this year!).....I never even rated a mention before.
So all in all a SUCCESS! It has been nearlly 5 months since we separated, and I am under no illusion that we won't have rough times, but it was good to put the nastiness aside and just get along.
I won't go as far as saying it was pleasant, but it wasn't negative in any respect so it's all good.
And whilst the kids didn't seem to bat an eyelid, apart from asking me how long it had been since I'd been in Dads car, I'm sure it must have been GREAT for them. We aren't generally negative in front of them, but we aren't overly positive either, so it, hopefully, was good for them to see us just get along and get on with it.
And WOW! I didn't write a negative post for a change!
Stay tuned....I'm sure it won't last LOL
K
05 April 2008
3 AM
MY GOD! I have been hanging out for this for weeks!
Especially this last week, cos the gov't fucked with my mind and changed the days....AFTER my calendars were obviously printed!
DAYLIGHT SAVINGS IS OVER!!!!
Don't get me wrong I love daylight savings.
But my bodyclock changed a few weeks ago, and I'm struggling of a morning to haul my arse out of bed before 8am. Which on a kid-free day is fine. It's even fine on a weekend...as long as the kids don't mind brunch instead of breakfast. But on a school day....not so good. On a footy day...not so good!
As Murphy would have it, I don't get to languish in bed till 11am tomorrow & pride myself on waking up before noon. No, it is my Sunday with the kids. My Football day with the kids.
But on an entirely positive note, I WILL NOT BE dragging my arse out of bed, only to then drag
their arses out of bed at 7am, so we are at footy by 8.30am....cos as luck would have it.....or our Government....it will REALLY be 8am....WOOHOO!!!!
At 3am we change our clocks to 2am....although I will not be setting my alarm to do that....I am blonde, but not THAT blonde...
So.... my first footy Sunday of the season I get a sleep in!!
Unfortunately I will have to spend AT LEAST 4 hours with the AH, with no car to escape in, NO.WAY.OUT!
BUT I get a sleep in, and I plan on using it!
And maybe a flask of something heavy to get me through the morning!
K
Especially this last week, cos the gov't fucked with my mind and changed the days....AFTER my calendars were obviously printed!
DAYLIGHT SAVINGS IS OVER!!!!
Don't get me wrong I love daylight savings.
But my bodyclock changed a few weeks ago, and I'm struggling of a morning to haul my arse out of bed before 8am. Which on a kid-free day is fine. It's even fine on a weekend...as long as the kids don't mind brunch instead of breakfast. But on a school day....not so good. On a footy day...not so good!
As Murphy would have it, I don't get to languish in bed till 11am tomorrow & pride myself on waking up before noon. No, it is my Sunday with the kids. My Football day with the kids.
But on an entirely positive note, I WILL NOT BE dragging my arse out of bed, only to then drag
their arses out of bed at 7am, so we are at footy by 8.30am....cos as luck would have it.....or our Government....it will REALLY be 8am....WOOHOO!!!!
At 3am we change our clocks to 2am....although I will not be setting my alarm to do that....I am blonde, but not THAT blonde...
So.... my first footy Sunday of the season I get a sleep in!!
Unfortunately I will have to spend AT LEAST 4 hours with the AH, with no car to escape in, NO.WAY.OUT!
BUT I get a sleep in, and I plan on using it!
And maybe a flask of something heavy to get me through the morning!
K
04 April 2008
I don't want to be lonely no more!
I'm soo sick of being lonely.
I'm sick of having nobody close.
Not for the AH.
Not that way.
My closest family members are 4 hours away.
My closest friends are at least an hour away.
I want to have someone I can just pop in on.
Call and invite them for coffee.
Go out on the town.
A few quiet (or not so quiet)drinks at home.
For a shoulder to cry on.
For a laugh.
I'm not much of a phone person. My friends have their own family & lives, so the distance is made further than if we could just drop everything and meet up. It takes planning. And then it is too short, and too long in between.
I want my sisters closer.
I want support that comes from a shared history. I have none of that.
My agoraphobia and depression hasn't helped matters. My kids starting school should have been a great opportunity to make new friends. But I didn't. I couldn't. I'm not good at making friends. Or keeping them. I don't know how.
The upside is that I am making some progress there. It's not easy though. I am in my 3rd year at the school, most friendships have already been formed, I missed the boat. But slowly I am trying to let my guard down, overcome all my fears, and speak to people. I am volunteering at the school, and I even went to coffee with 2 parents the other day....that is huge progress.
Today there is a school picnic, so I'll make the effort to mingle a little more.
I need to get a job. To meet new people. To get a life.
This isn't a new thing.
This has been going on for some time, but it feels worse when I am feeling better, when I am not consumed 24/7 by my anxiety & depression.
Maybe it's just pre-birthday blues.
I don't like birthdays.
Not mine anyway.
It represents another year wasted.
I should go be miserable elsewhere.
And try and think of a happy post for a change.
K
I'm sick of having nobody close.
Not for the AH.
Not that way.
My closest family members are 4 hours away.
My closest friends are at least an hour away.
I want to have someone I can just pop in on.
Call and invite them for coffee.
Go out on the town.
A few quiet (or not so quiet)drinks at home.
For a shoulder to cry on.
For a laugh.
I'm not much of a phone person. My friends have their own family & lives, so the distance is made further than if we could just drop everything and meet up. It takes planning. And then it is too short, and too long in between.
I want my sisters closer.
I want support that comes from a shared history. I have none of that.
My agoraphobia and depression hasn't helped matters. My kids starting school should have been a great opportunity to make new friends. But I didn't. I couldn't. I'm not good at making friends. Or keeping them. I don't know how.
The upside is that I am making some progress there. It's not easy though. I am in my 3rd year at the school, most friendships have already been formed, I missed the boat. But slowly I am trying to let my guard down, overcome all my fears, and speak to people. I am volunteering at the school, and I even went to coffee with 2 parents the other day....that is huge progress.
Today there is a school picnic, so I'll make the effort to mingle a little more.
I need to get a job. To meet new people. To get a life.
This isn't a new thing.
This has been going on for some time, but it feels worse when I am feeling better, when I am not consumed 24/7 by my anxiety & depression.
Maybe it's just pre-birthday blues.
I don't like birthdays.
Not mine anyway.
It represents another year wasted.
I should go be miserable elsewhere.
And try and think of a happy post for a change.
K
02 April 2008
I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell....
The kids are with AH tonight.
I rang to say goodnight...which is normal.
The kids (Usually E) go through the "you wanna speak to mum/dad?" thing.
Which USUALLY results in a "No, not tonight"
Except tonight he said "yes"
Apparently J is playing for the under 10's as well as the under 9's.
He has only just progressed to the under 9's from Auskick. He did Auskick last year but was asked to play for the Under 9's as well. Which he did brilliantly!!
The season only started last weekend. He played for the under 9's. Did OK. Then the Under 10's were short players so he played with them also. Did BRILLIANTLY!!! So they have asked him back.
He is 7!
So now he is playing for BOTH! OFFICIALLY!
So AH informs me that I will need to take him to Hornsby then Baulkham Hills...a big trek...I stutter a little...(I have them this Sunday am...I agreed to Footy but not 2 lots....but J LURVES it so I can't say no)....Anyway AH goes on to say that he will take him to the 2nd match, he has taken on some role in the club yadayada so will be there anyway.
So ME.WITHOUT.THINKING. says
"Oh why don't we all just go in the same car"
Then I cringed....
FUCK! WHAT! DID! I! JUST! SAY!
So now...we are all going to footy in the same car! HIS CAR!
HE will pick us up and head from there!
ARGGHHHH! What have I done!
I have to sit in a car with him!
We only just got to "being cordial" at swap-overs... We don't do conversation! The SILENCE WILL BE DEADLY! WITH THE KIDS IN THE BACK!
FUCK! FUCK! AND MORE FUCK!
AND FUCK! SOME MORE!!!!
WHAT! WAS! I! THINKING!
Truth be told...I wasn't...I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell..... :-(
Try the title or this one....gawd I loved "The Panel"
I rang to say goodnight...which is normal.
The kids (Usually E) go through the "you wanna speak to mum/dad?" thing.
Which USUALLY results in a "No, not tonight"
Except tonight he said "yes"
Apparently J is playing for the under 10's as well as the under 9's.
He has only just progressed to the under 9's from Auskick. He did Auskick last year but was asked to play for the Under 9's as well. Which he did brilliantly!!
The season only started last weekend. He played for the under 9's. Did OK. Then the Under 10's were short players so he played with them also. Did BRILLIANTLY!!! So they have asked him back.
He is 7!
So now he is playing for BOTH! OFFICIALLY!
So AH informs me that I will need to take him to Hornsby then Baulkham Hills...a big trek...I stutter a little...(I have them this Sunday am...I agreed to Footy but not 2 lots....but J LURVES it so I can't say no)....Anyway AH goes on to say that he will take him to the 2nd match, he has taken on some role in the club yadayada so will be there anyway.
So ME.WITHOUT.THINKING. says
"Oh why don't we all just go in the same car"
Then I cringed....
FUCK! WHAT! DID! I! JUST! SAY!
So now...we are all going to footy in the same car! HIS CAR!
HE will pick us up and head from there!
ARGGHHHH! What have I done!
I have to sit in a car with him!
We only just got to "being cordial" at swap-overs... We don't do conversation! The SILENCE WILL BE DEADLY! WITH THE KIDS IN THE BACK!
FUCK! FUCK! AND MORE FUCK!
AND FUCK! SOME MORE!!!!
WHAT! WAS! I! THINKING!
Truth be told...I wasn't...I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell..... :-(
Try the title or this one....gawd I loved "The Panel"
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