Bits & Bobs

Just a bit of a catchup today....

I cancelled DD's operation for tomorrow.

Shed a few tears....I wish money wasn't an issue.

I found out that we aren't covered for it by the Health Insurance Co, and I just don't have $1500 lying around at the moment. And that is just the hospital. Medicare will cover about $250 which doesn't even put a dent in it (I'll leave my rant about Scheduled Fees another time!).

Now I know I was ranting and raving about the AH and his issues with paying for the op, but that was when we only thought we had a gap/excess to pay, so I'm not being hypocritical (in my mind any way....if you disagree...shutup! cos I'm a hormonal bitch at the moment!). So now I am trying to weigh up what my options are. I am waiting on a quote from the surgeon, and I am trying HARD not to stress about it until I receive that.

Options for now...

1. Go see a different ENT that services the Public Hospital...the wait will be up to 8 months, only cost will be ENT's fee (about $180).
2. Wait until the money is saved to pay up front....I'm thinking about a 3 month wait, maybe less if the AH cooperates.
3. Try and get a higher credit limit & pay for it that way....this balances on whether I'd even be approved & hoping I get some back from the AH...this would mean the op could go ahead probably within a month.
4. Wait the 6 months until we are covered. I will have to check this though as it is classed as pre-existing, so the wait may be longer.

Now the only trouble with 1,2 & 4 is that we are heading into "sick season"....well we are in it already...and whilst DD hasn't been sick for about 3 weeks now, she is getting a cold, and going on past history this means she will be back on the Merry-go-round in no time. Which means time off school, truckloads of anti-biotics & well...she'll be sick, sick isn't nice. Also, because of her ears she has a hearing problem, she is not deaf, but she has to make a real effort to hear, especially in class, she misses things in general, and comes home tired and cranky.

It is hard to not get annoyed at her, but I know there is an underlying reason, so I try my best to be understanding...but MAN she can push my buttons. And then of course DS is going through a turd phase, so I get the guilts when I pull him up on things but not her. Plus I'm sure he notices, and possibly she does too, and there is no balance and very little peace! And then my brain feels like exploding! So her being NQR effects us all in some way, shape or form...there is more, but I'm sure you get the picture.

Gah! This post was going to be a catch up on a few things, but it seems I had more to say on this matter than I thought....I still haven't had my rant about AH re the above & some other matters, the Stalker#2, my mum, my dad and other stuff....Oh well, will leave them for another post, your eyes are probably bleeding after reading this much.

But I'll leave you with a question....

What would you do out of my options above??

Or can you think of another option that I haven't?

K

**Edited to add: How's this for timing, the ENT surgeon just rang to tell me his costs. He's just lovely, another reason I don't want to go Public (The public ENT was an arse hat!), he alo told me to check out the ATO website as I may be able to claim on tax, as well as medicare, looks like the housework will have to wait, I have more research to do!

Holy Cow Batman!

I got a job!

A get up at a god awful time, shower & dress in something decent, brush my hair, use concealer & mascara, get kids organised & to school on time or earlier, go somewhere else & get paid JOB!!!

FUCK!!!!

What is the world coming to!!!

And to top it off it starts off as full-time! Talk about throwing ones self in the deep end!

Let's hope I don't drown!

FUCK!

A job!

I get paid to sit on my arse & answer phone calls & speak to people.

Have I mentioned my phone phobia?

FUCK!

I need to get the kids up & at school an hour earlier! I need to also be respectable for public viewing at the same time!

Have I mentioned I'm not a morning person?

FUCK!

Am I ready for this?
I'm not sure.

Are the kids going to fight me at every turn?
Probably.

Is the AH going to come to the party and step up to his responsibilities?
Probably not.

Am I going to drown in chaos?
Almost definitely...at least in the beginning...

So now starts a new chapter in my life.
It's been a long time coming.

I think it is either going to break me, or make me!
I sincerely hope it's the latter.

A job....in the real world!

FUCK!

K

DD's Op!?!?!?!

I finally had the chance to make the calls regarding the cost of DD's op.... news aint so great! The AH only updated the Health Insurance to cover Hospital as well in January, and because she has had grommets before, it looks like it is classed as pre-existing.

Maybe this was his concern at the start? Although why he didn't inform me of this I have No Fucking Clue!

By the time I had rung the Hospital a zillion times, the specialist, our GP AND the Health Fund....I got as far as it all not looking great! But I still have to ring the hospital & the specialist again...but after being out most of the day, I ran out of time, and they had all gone home. So I will try again in the morning. Cos I STILL DON'T KNOW HOW MUCH? They are very tight-lipped about cost when you say you are in a fund....and kind of send you on a trip on the merry-go-round....just to say "the gap is $xxxx" or "we are accredited with your fund so you pay nothing or a very minimal cost"....whilst on their admission forms it says you MUST pay up front and on admission.....I don't know what is going on in the health industry....but it's all a lot of nonsensical crud if you ask me, and they must all think we have VERY deep pockets to not need to know what we are up for!

Also I have *issues* with it being pre-existing.....her previous op fixed the problem! It was only when the grommets fell out she had problems again, and the adenoids are something new altogether....has never come up before. But I am guessing that it all falls too close to the 'line' and the insurance company would win!

Also they asked on the form for my Health Care Card/Pension number....so maybe I'll get a discount...but that, I think, may be extreme wishful thinking...

I guess it will all work out! At worst I will have to beg, borrow & steal..... but my lass will hear again sooner rather than later!

K

AH is a soft-cock! (And my tourettes finally came out)

I don't know if you recall, when I found out the AH had been visiting some fine establishments in the neighbourhood, and due to previous threats, I felt the need to keep my information to myself, for my own safety, until I had a plan....a plan to kick his arse to the curb...girlfriend! Oops sorry couldn't help myself on that last bit...and sorry for the wayyyy too long sentence.
Anyways if your memory is short....and I'm not judging all you 3 or 4 readers...as mine is abysmal...not even sure who i was just on the phone to....I digress... HERE is my post from wayyy back then ;-p

Well I had trouble....Homer Simpson trouble...I was never quite sure if I'd actually said "HOOKER" out loud....cos it was running thru my mind like a fucking tornado 24hours a day! But I had to keep things to myself.....NOT EASY!

But as I say... "It'll all come out in the wash"

And it did just recently.

The AH was here when he was in his uber-friendly-just-found-myself-a-bach-pad stage.
Couldn't have been more lovely, when our GP came up in conversation. (Who I'll just call 'Dr' here)
AH: "Go see Dr on Monday....he's an arsehole though"
Me: "I will, why is he an arsehole"
AH: "I got this rash....down there....so I went to see him...shaved my pubes and all"
Me: *starts giggling uncontrollably* "Why is he an arsehole?"
AH: "He lectured me about drinking....blah blah blah"
ME: *near fitting with laughter* "Ohhh I can't say it, I can't say it, I can't say it, I can't say it.."
AH *looks at me quizzically* "say what?"
Me: "...I can't say it....I can't say it....FUCK IT...yes I can......HOOKER!" *start roaring in laughter*
AH *trying to hide his annoyance* "I don't do that anymore...."
Me: " I don't care anymore" *Roaring in laughter still*

AH leaves!
LOL
Maybe his dick will fall off! But in the meantime it was nice to finally let it out!
K

Another quote....

...but from someone less famous...my dear old 7yo! and 6yo!

J: "Oh My God! I just had a heart attack!"
Me: "What? Why?"
J: "When we die, we don't come back!"

Then Forever optimistic DD pipes in...

E: "Oh of course we do, we have 10 lives!"

We then went on to discuss death. J has a fear of death, and it comes up often. E was working out how old God was....but was mixed up with Jesus....I think....I don't do religion, but I'm pretty sure Jesus would be 2008 years old...and god was never born, so has no age. J then piped up that he wished we could all live for 2000 years. I said it'd be pretty awful, as we'd all have no teeth, so couldn't eat chocolate & ice cream...and our bones & muscles would be mush so we couldn't do anything, and we'd have to wear nappies, and how enjoyable would life be like that?
E got it. J tried to devise ways to survive until 3000 years old.
We would all have our own personal nurses who would change our butts, feed us chocolate, and push us around in wheel chairs....
Worked for him!
Now he just has to convince the next 70 billion people born to train as a nurse so they can wipe their great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great grandaddies arse, and feed him molten chocolate thru a drip!

K

Quote of the week!

D "Hope springs a kernel"
A "No, I think it's 'hope springs eternal'"
D "No. Hope springs a kernel. Old farmer saying."

I love my Boston Legal!
K

Psychology 101

Today at "the course" we had a Psychologist visit and do a session with a group of us women on Self-esteem. Well I think that is what it was about. I pitied the psych....none of us wanted to be there, she was fresh outta uni, had a blessed up-bringing, and was faced with us.
Women who couldn't understand or speak English very well, us older birds who didn't care to divulge all our secrets, older women that seemed past it all, and the young Chickie's who "knew better".
She didn't have a hope.
She was nice enough though. But it always makes me laugh that these 'experts' of the mind quite often have no 'real' experience to back them up. One of the younger girls did not shut up for the whole session, and kept bursting into tears, and telling us all (strangers) the hardships of her life.
The psych kept placating her with textbook words, but she was obviously quite taken aback. A few times us 'older' ones, and I use that term loosely, meaning myself (29 again) and others older than I, had to explain to the psych what some terms meant....like disintegrate...WTF! I didn't need to do Uni to learn that one!
We did lots of written exercises, all of which I have done before.
Watched a video about depression, made by one of the anti-depressant drug companies. Fuck THAT made me laugh...."oooh you've got depression, take this pill and you'll be right as rain"...... The psych didn't get the joke!
In the midst of it all, we were instructed to write our names on an envelope, and then we all wrote a positive comment about each person and placed it in their envelope. Now given, most of us had never met before, and most did not speak throughout the session, this wasn't going to be easy. I had 'seen' a couple of them before. I had spoken to 3 of them before. I had spoken to only one of them to a point, that I felt I kinda knew her. And that was the one that kept breaking down crying.....which I had not seen in her before at ALL! Plus the 'psych' made a comment too.
BUT it IS nice to hear nice things about yourself.
And it is interesting to see what people think of you, having barely met you.
And it is FUCKING HILARIOUS too!
I tried to distinguish who's writing was who's quickly at the end, but as everyone was leaving, and a lot was going on it was a bit difficult....

So here are my 'compliments' from today....and my comments in brackets...
*You have a charming way about yourself. (Why thank you....I think this was from one I was sitting next to that I'd met before)
*Very warm & Friendly (thanks again....bit NFI who this was....could have been the woman next to me as well)
*You are soooooo beautiful and beautiful (ummmm yeah...NFI...but HOPE it wasn't the woman next to me)
*Smiling face, happy mother (better than crouching tiger, hidden dragon I assume)
*-Well balanced (I laughed out loud at this one and commented they obviously don't know me....then discovered it was from the Psych...oops....but point proven!)
-Thoughtful & reflective (maybe pensive & do not bare my soul to these people....with a touch of you HAVE NO IDEA!)
-Honest
*has a beautiful smile! (Uuum thanks....NFI again, and still hoping it wasn't the woman sitting next to me, and are we in lesbo support group or twat?)
*Friendly nice (I know...I know...stop it would yas!)
*You have beautiful skin (NFI but it was either someone NOT wearing their glasses, OR someone who could only write that sentence in English, as I think everyone got that one!)
*Quite (hmmmmm that's the only thing positive she could think of....unless she meant quiet....but either way....strange....quite what?)
*I love to have conversations with you & I think your a hot soccer mum :) (This was from the young crying chick....sweet...she really is lovely...naive & young & outspoken...but lovely....so this was my favourite! She has an interview tomorrow & I wish her ALL the best)

Okies off to poison my kids with fried rice....we're on a tight budget peoples....and they aint happy....I figure if I add as little flavour as possible they will eat it, and I will get by.
Have my Ultrasound tomorrow to see if it's gallstones...not convinced...although similar, not everything fits.

Until next time!
K

Somethin' stinks out there!!!

Ohhh mah lordy!!!
I just walked past my daughters room, and thanked the heavens I'd already done my nightly "thank gawd they're asleep, kiss & lights out" routine, cos holy heck the stench pouring out of that room is enough to singe the hairs between your cheeks!
My wee little 6 year old angelic girl farts like a fucking elephant that has been force fed chilli's and beans for a month! And she doesn't eat either!

On other news...the stalker was back last night....just as I was drifting off into lala land....I fucking hate that! I texted back in my haze twice....then woke up enough to realise what was going on & ignored the continuing texts & 1 phone call....that continued past midnight! Sheesh! Someone forgot to post the bulletin that "Ima single mum wiff tooo kids!" and once I have my pills I don't last for more than an hour....tops!

Finally went back to the dr today...he took blood *ick*...gave me some more pills...and sent me for an ultrasound....could be gallbladder....could be pleurisy...could be supercalafragalisticexpialidotius....sigh....will keep on keeping on.....and hope some energy returns!

Tomorrow is officially my last day of the 3 week course from hell....but unofficially I have 3 days to make up....and then officially I have to continue on twice a week until someone decides they are worthy enough of having me grace their premises each day to drink coffee & surf the internet....oh and pay me handsomely just for the privilege...HA!

I pissed AH off tonight, and his plans got ruined....not my fault, but I didn't cop any abuse either, so no news there either....yes....getting VERY worried.

Think my life is getting too boring!

Kids have been thrown into turmoil again, by the AH finding his very own bach pad, feels like we're breaking up all over again....rough times....but I'm sure we'll be OK....am enjoying the extra cuddles....even if I do get screamed at for an hour before hand....

Well that'll do me for now.....off to curl up on the lounge and listen to the rain for a bit before I head off to bed....oh and drink a gallon of water.....kind of did a bit of overkill on the chocolate & ice cream tonight...oops! Can anyone say gallstones? I don't seem to have issues at night though....knock on wood ;-p Oh and still can't get over my weight loss....2 belt holes in a month!!! Crazy I tells ya! Sure it won't last with my recent sweet tooth though lol.

K

More useless dribble...

I've been sick...yes, again....I would normally say I NEVER get sick, but the last few months have proven me wrong, so I won't even go there.
I've had so much time away from the puter it's not funny, well not for an addict like me, I have about 60 blogs to catch up on, no time for my regular groups therapy. No Puter is a sign I was really sick, and still am, fuck knows whats wrong really but I look like death, so everyone's telling me, and I just can't get back to right. I do feel better though, so I'll stop the whine.
The kids were sick too.
I have missed 3 days of the training from hell, due to either mine or the kids illness, which would be FINE if it was the job from hell....but NOOOO I have to do the time no matter what! So the 3 weeks is now drawn out to 3 fucking weeks, 3 fucked up days....give me strength!
DR told me to have today off today, but I stomached food, so went in, and they MADE me do a FUCKING MOCK interview....IN! FRONT! OF! EVERYONE!....Shit like that makes me want to vomit & run at the best of times...but seeing my stomach is shredded & enjoys vomiting any which way it likes at the moment I WAS NOT HAPPY!
I got through it, and they were very kind.....me practically begging not to have to do it must have won me some sympathy votes...ARSEHOLES!

Other than that I've been an awesome mum!
Sunday I didn't leave the lounge (except to vomit & pee) but I still managed to teach my son how to defrost bread in the microwave & make a sandwich. Taught my daughter how to pour a drink. They managed to scale the neighbours fence without me to lift them. Taught my son how to run a shower for himself & his sister without burning either one of them! See I rock! Teaching them valuable life skills!

I did make the error of calling the AH when I was vomiting blood...my intention was for him to stay with the kids whilst I got myself to a dr....well best intentions and all that!
He's being TOO nice at the moment, and it has me concerned!

But on a good note, He finally picked up all his SHIT on Monday....and today...and well there's a couple of things here still....but most of it's gone.. who am I kidding...I don't think it will ever be gone ...yeah 'just' the BBQ still...hmmmm....

Oh and I am sooo going for Mother Of The Year tonight! I spent 5 hours out at "work" (wink, wink), cooked a roast, FINISHED the dishes, did all homework, tidied the house, am cooking up some home-made chicken stock, supervised the neighbours kid.....AND did a science experiment with the kids!

Need to remember that when I have my normal nights lol!

Oh and did I mention I still hate the pill!!! It's fucking bloodweek AGAIN....ALREADY!!!! The neverending period finished about 2 weeks ago....FOR CRYING OUT LOUD WHAT IS THIS SUPPOSED TO BE FIXING? My skin is worse than ever as well!
OK it's probably not the pills fault this time, and more due to the fact my body has been choosing not to absorb anything recently....but FUCK!

Oh but I HAVEN'T gained weight! In fact, in the first time in 7 years? No...maybe 4?? I dunno...AGES... the scales have tipped UNDER 60kgs!! I would love to celebrate this but again it's not due to the pill or anything I have voluntarily done. And I feel like SHIT, so it kinda takes the shine off IYKWIM. Plus, lets be truthful....give me my old stomach back....and my old appetite, and it won't last long....

OK think the drugs are kicking in, best go check on kids & hit the hay myself *YAWN*
Enough spasticity (yes that is now a word!) from me for one night...or is it a week?

Later
K

I've been a bad blogger...

Again....

Oopsy!

Nothing much to write about.
Kids are doing well, but aren't really giving me anything blogworthy.
AH the same.

As I am yet to find work, Centrelink have put me in this 'program', and I use that term very loosely...so I am there every day from 9am to 1pm for 3 weeks. Mah Holeee Farking Hell! I'd rather watch paint dry, or chew on glass or something. A group of us sit in a room, where you are not allowed to bring food or drink, and look through papers, and search the internet for work. We can use their computers and their phone, fax, copier etc etc.
Problem is, I do all this at home, and my computer isn't from the fucking dark ages, so it doesn't take me an hour to send one fucking application! And you have to share the computers....so you sit there chatting cos you have read the *1* paper in the first 10 minutes, but it isn't your turn on the fucking dinosaur of a computer!
And then you contemplate stabbing yourself in the eye with a pen.
Then you are distracted by the morons there, who openly have NO INTENTION of finding a job. EVAH! making fart noises....and doing 'druggo' jokes and I feel like I am back in Year 8 rollcall.
Then I wonder if papercuts are enough to allow me to bleed to death....or at the very least have an ambulance called so I can get the FUCK outta there!
Then they tell us we have a 10minute break....which is only enough time to repark my car, so I don't have to pay $6 a day for the sheer joy of my eyes and ears bleeding..... and get a ciggie in.
So I break their "no food & drink" rule and take my coffee back into the room.
What are they gonna do......all the staff there look like they are just out of daycare!
I'm SUCH a REBEL!

So exciting stuff huh....3 days down....12 to go...*SIGH*

On a happier note!
It is 6 months since I kicked the AH to the curb...WOOHOO!
I don't think I am going to be able to afford that trip to Phuket for the 12month anniversary...but hey you never know....could find myself a sugar daddy ;-)

And I have a friend coming to visit for the weekend...so I plan on leading her astray and being the BAD influence that I am BWAHAHA!!! Well after the kids are in bed!
And after I drop them at their dad's tomorrow night...have to work with what I've got people!

And I waffle on as usual...and change the subject 50 times...but that is what I do best :-)
Happy Weekend Everyone!
K

Lucky I got out on good behaviour!

Well maybe I wasn't THAT good, but overall I think I was better behaved than my cell-mate.

I had grand plans today & how I was going to spend it.
But the old fuck-tard Murphy decided to pay a visit so I spent the day chasing away a migraine. Mostly in bed.
At least I wasn't in bed because I was depressed.
That can be my positive.
And also my period hit with a vengeance, if I can even call it my period seeing the last one never quite went away.
Ahhh Life is good!

I had a blog post swirling around in my head for the last week, but now my head doesn't work, so I'm just going to write down the signs I should have heeded....... I mean the gods were fucking SCREAMING at me!!!!!

#1: 8years, 6 months ago, I could see my relationship with my BF was going nowhere, on again, off again, moody for no reason, would leave in the middle of the night...I could go on....so I bought myself an around the world plane ticket, a safari through Africa, and resigned from my job.

#2: 8 years, 4 months ago, I found out I was pregnant. The reaction wasn't good. I was then told to have an abortion, I declined, so he asked me to marry him, I declined, so I got dumped. I also cancelled my trip.
(I asked for him to reconsider after some weeks of not hearing from him, I was scared....silly girl!)

#3: 8 years, 4 weeks & 2 days ago I had refused his proposal for marriage several times, so he sprung on me whilst I was asleep on my birthday, in my haze I said yes. When I woke up I was wondering what had just happened.

#4: We had to beg for our marriage license as we HAD TO marry before his folks went overseas AND before the baby was born.

#5: 8 years & 5 days ago, I had to have a wisdom tooth pulled as it had formed an abscess

#6: 8 years ago today, I woke up with half my face swollen up with red welts on it. The first indication that I was allergic to penicillin. My tooth, or where it once was, got infected, so the Dentist chucked a swab in it soaked with penicillin.

#7: 8 years ago today, My Grandmother FLASHED my best mate, whom were both staying at my house.

#8: 8 years ago today, When the limo pulled up to the church, I had a panic attack & hyperventilated.

Unfortunately, there were plenty of other things after this.....I am almost embarrassed to admit how many, and how many times I went back for more....but I'll leave that for another time....maybe.....and 8 is fitting for today.

So raise your glasses please.
Here's to a fucking fantastical phenomenal 8 years ahead!
May they be better than the last!
Have a drink for me....I would but my head still hurts....
Cheers!

K

Times are a changin'

The AH has found a house. Apparently.
A 2nd home for my kids.
It will be interesting to see how things pan out from now on.
In mediation we discussed changes for when he found somewhere to call his own.
I am curious to see whether they come to fruition.
I also discovered yesterday that he is not having them for the amount of time he had agreed upon.
It will be interesting to see if he now makes that time up.
I got the bill for term 2 school fees yesterday also.
I am still paying off term 1.
I have emailed him asking for help with school fees from now on.
No response yet.
Can't wait for that one.
I am applying for 3 jobs today that I feel I actually have a chance of getting.
Working Fridays.
So he will have to pick the kids up from school on his Fridays or pay for after school care.
BWAHAHA!
Wonder if he's gonna step up to the Parental Plate, or continue being Mr Disney Dad.
I guess only time will tell.

K

Back on the medical merry-go-round..

Ever since E's grommets have fallen out, about 6-7 months ago, she has had constant ear infections....AGAIN!
Our weeks have gone like this...E complaining of something Not Quite Right....visit Dr "oooh yes her ears are quite red & there is a lot of fluid, here's some antibiotics, come back in a week or 2"....E's fine again, go back to Dr "yep, all clear"....a week later E complains of something Not Quite Right....visit Dr "oooh yes her ears are quite red & there is a lot of fluid, here's some antibiotics..." and well, I guess you get the picture.
In December I noticed she wasn't hearing too well. And it coincided with her ears again not feeling right....and about 1-2 weeks since her last dose of antibiotics. Seeing a pattern?
We were away, so we went to see the dr again once we returned home. This time we got a referral to get her hearing tested.
The appointment was made.
It finally came yesterday.....yep it took over 4 months just to get the test.
In between we have had the same cycle. Ear bad..take meds...ear good...finish meds...ear bad..take meds etc etc. Her hearing has come & gone....but mostly it's gone! But we waited patiently.
Test results from yesterday? She's deaf! OK not completely deaf, but she has about 50% hearing in her left ear & 60-70% in her right. It is all treatable of course but it's just the extremely long waiting game that drives me insane. The tester said she would be really struggling to hear in class, and if she's grumpy & tired from school that would be why. Well she's a right bitch after school! She has been struggling in class. Emotionally mostly, she's very clever. I had put most of it down to her dad & I separating.

Now once again I am fraught with feelings of inadequacy as a parent. Why didn't I put 2 and 2 together? J had the same issues...his hearing was worse...but he's had no problems since the grommets...or has he?

They both have speech issues that I don't even hear? The tester asked me how her speech was, I said fine...then she noted a lisp! What lisp? That's not a lisp, that's just E.
I know she has some small issues...like trouble with "Th" saying it "f"...but I did that as a kid! Plus with her ED and her lack of teeth, the spacing, size etc....I guess I put down any small differences to that!

So now I want to get J's hearing tested too...just to be sure....as it has been pointed out to me that he still speaks like he has adenoid problems...which were fixed nearly 2 years ago.....and as I am a bad mother, I don't notice and need these things pointed out!

AS far as E goes we are back on the merry-go-round. She is back on antibiotics, because her ears are infected again. And I called 5 ENT's and the earliest I can get in is June 6th.

Then What?

More Grommets?

I HATE having my kids put under....:-(...I sooo don't want to do that again! It was AWFUL! But at the same time why does the process take so fucking long! It's a joke! Once I finally get into the ENT it could take months again for the op....I think we waited 7 months last time...and we pushed it!

So in the meantime, we keep pumping in the antibiotics, which I hate, tell her teacher to speak in her right ear & sit her up the front of the class, and hope the child doesn't get any MORE screwed up & miserable!

K

All that I am!

Have you got a song that makes you breathe?

That really just stops you in your tracks and lets you breathe?

No matter what else is going on, you are at peace, and you breathe.....as you should!

Not the worry of life. Not the breathe that we all must do, to survive. But you feel that breath like it was your first. And then you smile. And then you hug your kids & count your blessings.

A breath of life.

I only have one....and it does it to me every single time....it's actually a sad song, and the singer unfortunately has passed, but despite this, this song pulls life into me when I feel that I cannot give or do anymore!

Takes my breath away & makes me feel at peace!



K

**Actually I have 2, and if you click on the link in the title you'll get the 2nd...I am so hopeless with songs, I can love the song, and love the singer but I could rarely name either...and I chose the title by random....THEN I listened...sometimes randomness is best, and chooses what you need!**

Bent

Well today marks 5 months since I seperated from the AH.


I didn't realise that till now, while I bide time, til I can call my babies & say goodnight.


Today I've been rather sloth like. Got up late, showered late, snuggled on the lounge under a blanket mostly. Contemplating my navel. Wondering where I go from here. Missing my kids.





I need a change.





I just so happened to watch Dr Phil & Oprah....2 things I rarely do...but what else does one do whilst avoiding the world, and having a one person pity party.


But I'm so glad I did.


On Dr Phil, there was a married couple, and it was the AH & I, 6 months ago.


He was abusive. Not physically, but mentally. Constant put-downs.....degrading....disrespectful...arrogant....egotistical...self righteous.....I could go on. He was a PIG! And despite Dr Phil "getting real" with him, him even agreeing with the Doc, he just didn't GET IT! This bloke was right ALL THE TIME. He was BETTER than everyone else. HIS way was the only way.


His wife, just sat there, like a broken shell of a person that once was. She uttered the words that she felt she should leave, but you could see she wouldn't. She was BROKEN. Worn down. Worthless. Fat. Ugly. A bad mother. A disgusting human being. Deserving nothing better than what this vile piece of a man....THIS COWARD....could give her. And what he could give her was NOTHING...she repulsed him.


BUT she was none of those things.


He hated her because of what she had become since they married.


But HE made her those things.


You get put down often enough and you DO believe it.


And even if you do break free, you still have those same messages drilled into you, until you change them, which is not easy.





I felt for her.


I felt for their kids.


AND I saw the AH for what he was, and is, and this PIG for what he is, and that some people just do not and can not change.





I CAN change. I just need to have my mind reprogrammed. The thrill of finally standing up for myself, and saying no more! has worn off & I've been stuck in limbo. Back in the pit of feeling worthless. I have some good days, but the bad days are increasing, so I see that I need to regain control of my life. Find what I like again. Reform friendships. Rebuild relationships.





Discover ME!





Then Oprah came on.....and TBH I don't like Oprah....it's usually mind numbing dribble to me. But today she had Louise L Hay on. And a few other guests. The show was on how powerful positive thinking is. I know this is true...it just has to be put into practise....I have done it before, and it has worked.


So I saw this as a sign.


I have her book "You can heal your life", so I am going to read it again.


I also have Dr Phils book "Self Matters", which I have struggled to get past chapter 1 as it was too confronting.


I will read that also.


I'm not saying a book can "fix" me...but I have to start somewhere....and once you take that first step, who knows where the path may lead.





K

Back 2 Good?

I think I need to find AH a new name.

Increasingly, he is behaving like the man I married.

As opposed to the whore-fucking, manipulative, abusive, intimidating, unsupportive Arsehole that I endured the last 4 years of our marriage.

Yeah it's nice, but my memory aint that short!

But I still feel a little bad referring to him as the AH....for now....

As well as our 'almost-pleasant' footy trip, and the portrait of the kids he...I mean...the kids got me for my birthday.....and the Fererro Rocher's (ATE THEM ALL and am still alive) at Easter....things have been pretty damn civilised, nice even. We don't have much contact still, but when we do we get along in a minimalistic way, exchange pleasantries, discuss the kids in a caring, positive way (as opposed to defensive & argumentative). Nothing over the top but a helluva LOT better than the ways things were heading before.

Tonight he called the kids, as per usual, then needed to speak to me. He is planning to take them to Forster next week, so I needed the details. This opens a whole other kettle of fish, but more on that later. (FUCK THAT IS GOING TO BE THE LONGEST!3!NIGHTS!OF!MY!LIFE!)

I digress.

Anyhoo...so somehow the subject comes up about the kids lack of winter clothes that fit. I tried to explain that financially I am up fucking shit creek without a paddle, I am trying to buy bits & pieces here and there, but between school fees, trying to get my car roadworthy, medical bills, and just anything else life can throw at me ATM it's not happening fast enough....
Well actually I think my words were more like " I have a heap of bills ATM, medical, car and other stuff, so I'm trying to get a little as I can..."

So he offered to take the kids shopping to get what they need. Me being Me, said oh no that's OK! He insisted, then asked what they needed.
*should I ask if this is coming out of child support?*
Then continued to say he would say it was from both of us!!! I said there was no need for that, and gave him a short list of things needed. (He is the type to over buy, over spend, and half doesn't get worn.....which is fine, but not necessary)

Then he wanted me to drop the kids off at 2pm tomorrow instead of 7pm, so he could take them.
I agreed. Although I had wanted to do something with them tomorrow afternoon, this was a good deal, and the kids benefited, so I had to quieten that train of thought.

So kids & I continued on with dinner.

Then he called back, and asked if I would like to come shopping, so the kids would see it was from both of us.
I have BIG ISSUES with him being the Disney Dad....what they want, they GET from him, whilst I'm always saying no.
I hesitated.
I gave him an out...twice!
Then I agreed.
*sigh*
Am I selling out?

So tomorrow we are again spending some of my weekend time with HIM.

I am sure it will be fine.
And it is for the greater good....
The kids!

And I am GLAD that he is now willing to do these things. I am grateful even.

Just hope it doesn't come around and bite me on the bum.

Yeah Cynical till the end!

But what should I call him till I'm screwed over again?
XH is like, soooo yesterday, like.

K

I don't want to be lonely no more!

I'm soo sick of being lonely.
I'm sick of having nobody close.
Not for the AH.
Not that way.
My closest family members are 4 hours away.
My closest friends are at least an hour away.
I want to have someone I can just pop in on.
Call and invite them for coffee.
Go out on the town.
A few quiet (or not so quiet)drinks at home.
For a shoulder to cry on.
For a laugh.
I'm not much of a phone person. My friends have their own family & lives, so the distance is made further than if we could just drop everything and meet up. It takes planning. And then it is too short, and too long in between.
I want my sisters closer.
I want support that comes from a shared history. I have none of that.
My agoraphobia and depression hasn't helped matters. My kids starting school should have been a great opportunity to make new friends. But I didn't. I couldn't. I'm not good at making friends. Or keeping them. I don't know how.
The upside is that I am making some progress there. It's not easy though. I am in my 3rd year at the school, most friendships have already been formed, I missed the boat. But slowly I am trying to let my guard down, overcome all my fears, and speak to people. I am volunteering at the school, and I even went to coffee with 2 parents the other day....that is huge progress.
Today there is a school picnic, so I'll make the effort to mingle a little more.
I need to get a job. To meet new people. To get a life.
This isn't a new thing.
This has been going on for some time, but it feels worse when I am feeling better, when I am not consumed 24/7 by my anxiety & depression.
Maybe it's just pre-birthday blues.
I don't like birthdays.
Not mine anyway.
It represents another year wasted.
I should go be miserable elsewhere.
And try and think of a happy post for a change.

K

FLOORED!

The AH bought me my favourite chocolates for Easter!
From the kids of course.

If I go missing in a few days you will know he injected them with arsenic.

K

AH SPEW!

We don't speak!
He makes me sick!
He tries to speak & I just get the shits!
He rang tonight to say goodnight to the kids, as per usual, but this time he asked to speak to me afterwards *shudder* I HATE THAT!
I had emailed him to sort out kidstuff, to halt his control issues regarding drop offs & pick ups, and expected a reply, got none, so I texted him stating I assumed he agreed due to no reply, and nominating my 'dinner day' with the kids. He has had them a lot since our return to Sydney and has them for the week, next week, & I wanted a dinner before they were gone for that long.
Anyhoo, he gets on the phone, and for a fucking change is quite amicable, so we organise the next few days, a few alterations with him backing off a bit for a change.
THEN HE STARTS FUCKING CRYING!!!!! CRYING!!!!! OH.MY.FUCKING.GOD.THE.MAN.OF.NO.EMOTION!!!!!

BRING OUT THE VIOLINS!

He has it soooo hard, living at his parents, yadayadayada, because when DS was sick & DD got upset cos she had to come home early and his mum....his mum....as usual the story cut short & I never found out what the fuck he was on about there. Just like when he rang on the eve of my mum starting chemo, whilst I was away, throwing around accusations about me & my XBIL! "How dare I? I can't tell his sister! He shoulda known!" Pfft, I STILL don't know what the fuck he was on....or on about! And he still won't tell me! I did plead....I told him not only I, but my entire family, would like to know what I'd done.....NOTHING! Only silence....the rare silence I get.
Then about work....and his pay....and how fucking HARD life is....some things NEVER change!
Then the classic..
Do I ever sit alone at night and wonder why he did what he did?
Yes I sit many nights moaning about him & what a loss I have endured & and how he has hurt me to my core & how I will never recover & how it was all my fault & how I could have done things differently....

NOT!

Easy answer buddy..."So you could get your dick wet?"

Yes but "WHY????"

Why doesn't matter mate, you did it! FULL STOP! END OF STORY!

Then he started the dribble of all I had done wrong!

Uuuum I was going through the fucking toughest year (more actually) of my life with agoraphobia, whilst you were out FUCKING prostitutes and paying for Viagra just so you could keep it UP!
You spent most of your time at home passed out.....was I supposed to rape you? What was there to find you attractive? Physical attractiveness left years ago....emotional attractiveness & intamacy followed shortly after.....but it was MY FAULT?!?!?!

AND....

Well.....

basically....

It does not matter anymore....you did the unforgiveable....MOVE ON ARSEHOLE!

If your life sucks....well you deserve it!
Go find a hookers shoulder to cry on.....you have no other fucking bills now, so why not!

Meanwhile I need to feed & clean the kids, so I'll see you in the morning when I drop them off at your place!

FARKING ARSEHAT!
K

Funny as a fart in an elevator!

I've had a crappy time since my sojourn to visit my family down south. Obviously I'm not quite up to scratch yet. I was ignored, disrespected, bitched about, put down, humiliated...all the usual shit really...acceptance in my family is one of our biggest issues....from everyone whether they admit it or not....and then some go and do the exact same thing to me that hurts them most...go figure!

Pffft Family! Who'd have em'

Since my return to the delightful (purge!) city of Sydney, I've had crap from THE ARSEHOLE....the Child Support...the constant flow of bills from him...my inability to mother...my inability...FULL STOP! FARK ORF!

My kids have me on the edge!

My house has me in misery!

My pension has advised me I should have looked for work whilst I was away! Yah! thanks for the notice!

I'm struggling with the shared parenting thing again.

SOOO...tonight I thought "fuck them all and then some!"

Kids are at the AH's

I MADE myself go out despite feeling disgusting.......my foot's fucked, my back is up shit creek without a paddle, I'm tired, I'm crampy minus PMT, my bowels aren't being kind and I'm swaying between Marion Jones on a high then a fucking Codeine Junkie....I Just want to get off....the world I mean....although the other probably wouldn't do any harm....

So I cleansed my face, and threw a mask on....just one going mouldy in the cupboard...the peel off kind! Then decided I'd go all out and do a mini-pedicure...so grabbed the bucket, coffee/chocolate foot soak, filled it up. Dug out some foot-scrub that apparently has diamonds in it, my foot scrubber. my GOLD heel balm (my feet are just nasty ~ thanks mum)....then I found a peel-off mask for my hands, and some nail polish I forgot I had. (Light pink for my fingers....it is now on, and I remember why I forgot it, it is awful!!!!!! Did I chuck it....nooooo....back in the cupboard for next time I get excited & think it would look lovely)

Anyhoo....I digress....

Whilst my 'mask' is drying, I soak my feet, & scrub & soak & scrub & watch TV & talk on the phone.....all the while I am un-knowingly picking at the edges of my face mask.....the peel off one.....pick, watch, pick, scrub, soak, pick, talk, watch, pick........

Then, my feet were done, moisturised, soft....lurvely...so I meander....alll relaxxxxed now...into the bathroom and....

ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!

I swear I heard that stabbing music they used in old horror movies!!!!!

But then FUCK I LAUGHED SO FUCKING HARD I HAD TO TWINKLE!

And you know what....my foot stopped hurting...so did my back....I felt 29 again....

Can you just see me skipping through the daisies?

Then my father rang!

And well, I need say no more! Back to feeling 50, although with a smoother face, softer hands, and feet that don't rip up the floorboards....for now :-)

K