Holy Cow Batman!

I got a job!

A get up at a god awful time, shower & dress in something decent, brush my hair, use concealer & mascara, get kids organised & to school on time or earlier, go somewhere else & get paid JOB!!!

FUCK!!!!

What is the world coming to!!!

And to top it off it starts off as full-time! Talk about throwing ones self in the deep end!

Let's hope I don't drown!

FUCK!

A job!

I get paid to sit on my arse & answer phone calls & speak to people.

Have I mentioned my phone phobia?

FUCK!

I need to get the kids up & at school an hour earlier! I need to also be respectable for public viewing at the same time!

Have I mentioned I'm not a morning person?

FUCK!

Am I ready for this?
I'm not sure.

Are the kids going to fight me at every turn?
Probably.

Is the AH going to come to the party and step up to his responsibilities?
Probably not.

Am I going to drown in chaos?
Almost definitely...at least in the beginning...

So now starts a new chapter in my life.
It's been a long time coming.

I think it is either going to break me, or make me!
I sincerely hope it's the latter.

A job....in the real world!

FUCK!

K

I hate rollercoasters!

The last few weeks I've been all over the place, and I can't seem to put my finger on WHY.
I've had the lowest of lows.
With anxiety, I have been unable to sit still in the house, pacing the rooms but doing nothing, except check my pulse, try and breath normally, and look in the mirror. Yes. I am a freak. What is your name?
I have been literally forcing myself out the door, but nothing is pleasurable, once again it is all about whether people notice I'm losing the plot. When I shake so much that I can't stand. Too much to even sit. People MUST notice surely....and then the cycle begins....and I just get worse & worse.
And then....as it always does....EVENTUALLY...I'm OK! I'm not great, but I'm OK.
Then the exhaustion hits. Usually with depression right on it's tail.
With Depression.....well I don't know WHY this is getting so bad. I am so used to it now. I get suicidal and I know it will pass, so I just try and sleep, or huddle myself up safe in a corner with the mantra "This too shall pass". I feel the tears welling up over anything and everything, ready to break the floodgate....and I just cannot stop it....and I don't know why. I just want it to stop. Again I keep on with my mantra....and it Does pass....but at the moment it is coming back all too frequently for my liking. Disagreements with the AH that just do my head in....and I feel like he still has control over me.
Then there's my "crazies", when I feel like I am one small step from being tipped right over the edge. One small step till I actually DO run down the street naked, screaming profanities at the neighbours & they DO call the men in white coats to come and take me away forever! When I get so overcome at the supermarket, that the elevator music they play is deafening, and everyone is looking at me, and the lights really hurt my eyes and I want to be ANYWHERE BUT in my own body.
Yeah Welcome to ME!
But I've had some really good times too.
Moshing out with the kids to MB20.
Having coffee with them & just laughing, and enjoying their silliness.
Gorgeous Hugs & Kisses that just melt my heart.
Feeling as though I am finally getting on with life after THE AH.
Chatting to people....maybe even forming friendships.
Weeding the garden at dusk.
Getting along with AH.

I just want some Normalness, and if that isn't a word, well it is now!
I'm sick of not knowing how I'm gonna wake up. And sick of not knowing how I am going to be in an hour, 10 minutes, 5 minutes, fuck even 1 minute!

I'm sick of the fucking roller coaster!
And I wanna get off!
I can do all of the above, if I'm only hit with one at a time. I can do the "crazies". I can do the depression. I can do the anxiety. And I can definitely do the highs. I just cannot do the four seasons in one day.....in one hour.

I don't know if my drugs aren't working, if it's the pill, or it's life just catching up with me.
But I'm tired, and I want a break!

K

I am wondering......

**DISCLOSURE**
You may not want to read this if you get all funny over 'women's issues'.

.....How long does it take for someone to bleed to death?

Seriously.
A friend of mine once told me a joke.
"What is the only animal that can bleed for 5 days & not die?"
"A woman!"

HA!
NOT!
Obviously the 'friend' was a bloke!

So how long can it go on before I do.

It all started when I finally got to see the gyno, to check the AH hadn't given me any little going away presents from the fine establishments he frequents.

Oh and chuck in a pap-smear whilst your there cos it's only been....ummmm....how old is my youngest????

And if I'm lying there with it all laid out on a platter, I may as well get the works right!

And it was awful, uncomfortable & embarrassing....exactly the reasons I put such visits off....proving me right....and why I'll probably wait another 6 years!

I mean she didn't even cover me with a sheet....I know that is totally psychological...but still!

I'm lying there, looking at the ceiling, trying to think of England, not the cobwebs she probably needs to dust off when I hear her say....
"Put your hands into a fist & put them up your bum!"

Shaken back to reality...I was forced to look at her...and said "Ummmm WHAT?!"

She repeated.....doing the actions this time....speaking S...L...O...W...L...Y....
"Put your hands into a fist"
She demonstrates.
"And put them under your bum"
Now she's looking like a flight attendant showing me how to inflate my life jacket. Then adds...
"I can't get a clear view"

GREAT!
I just died a thousand deaths! But at least I don't have to stick my fists UP my bum!

Anyhoo, ahem, now that I have that off my chest, we then also discussed other general issues, and she came to the conclusion that I probably have endometriosis, and that I should try going on the pill, to see if that helps. The deal-breaker was when she told me that I could miss, every 2nd or 3rd period....BONUS!!!! Blood Week is never a happy time in this house....for anyone! Only having to endure it 4-6 times a year would be HEAVEN!

So I paid her my money, and hauled my arse out of her office with my dignity dragging behind me in shreds....
Then spent a small fortune on the Pill, simply because this *special, more expensive pill* had the bonuses of clear skin & no weight gain.....and imagine the costs saved on products.......sounded absolutely magical!

But as with all things....if it sounds too good to be true, then it probably is.

I started the pill on my next period......and it is still going.......3 WEEKS LATER!!!!!
I am soooooo NOT LOVING THIS!

Yesterday I took the first sugar pill....which should signify the start of my NEXT period.....I'm thinking surely this has to STOP SOON! But NOOOO now I'm getting all the symptoms that I am trying to be rid of.....aches, pains, nausea, tiredness, bloating,mad cow disease. (Well they hadn't actually disappeared entirely...so they are just revving up the volume...SO happy!)

When is it going to end?
Will I bleed to death first?
Will I end up in a psych ward?
Cause Blood Week sucks.....but Blood MONTH is HELL!!!!

K

All that I am!

Have you got a song that makes you breathe?

That really just stops you in your tracks and lets you breathe?

No matter what else is going on, you are at peace, and you breathe.....as you should!

Not the worry of life. Not the breathe that we all must do, to survive. But you feel that breath like it was your first. And then you smile. And then you hug your kids & count your blessings.

A breath of life.

I only have one....and it does it to me every single time....it's actually a sad song, and the singer unfortunately has passed, but despite this, this song pulls life into me when I feel that I cannot give or do anymore!

Takes my breath away & makes me feel at peace!



K

**Actually I have 2, and if you click on the link in the title you'll get the 2nd...I am so hopeless with songs, I can love the song, and love the singer but I could rarely name either...and I chose the title by random....THEN I listened...sometimes randomness is best, and chooses what you need!**

Bent

Well today marks 5 months since I seperated from the AH.


I didn't realise that till now, while I bide time, til I can call my babies & say goodnight.


Today I've been rather sloth like. Got up late, showered late, snuggled on the lounge under a blanket mostly. Contemplating my navel. Wondering where I go from here. Missing my kids.





I need a change.





I just so happened to watch Dr Phil & Oprah....2 things I rarely do...but what else does one do whilst avoiding the world, and having a one person pity party.


But I'm so glad I did.


On Dr Phil, there was a married couple, and it was the AH & I, 6 months ago.


He was abusive. Not physically, but mentally. Constant put-downs.....degrading....disrespectful...arrogant....egotistical...self righteous.....I could go on. He was a PIG! And despite Dr Phil "getting real" with him, him even agreeing with the Doc, he just didn't GET IT! This bloke was right ALL THE TIME. He was BETTER than everyone else. HIS way was the only way.


His wife, just sat there, like a broken shell of a person that once was. She uttered the words that she felt she should leave, but you could see she wouldn't. She was BROKEN. Worn down. Worthless. Fat. Ugly. A bad mother. A disgusting human being. Deserving nothing better than what this vile piece of a man....THIS COWARD....could give her. And what he could give her was NOTHING...she repulsed him.


BUT she was none of those things.


He hated her because of what she had become since they married.


But HE made her those things.


You get put down often enough and you DO believe it.


And even if you do break free, you still have those same messages drilled into you, until you change them, which is not easy.





I felt for her.


I felt for their kids.


AND I saw the AH for what he was, and is, and this PIG for what he is, and that some people just do not and can not change.





I CAN change. I just need to have my mind reprogrammed. The thrill of finally standing up for myself, and saying no more! has worn off & I've been stuck in limbo. Back in the pit of feeling worthless. I have some good days, but the bad days are increasing, so I see that I need to regain control of my life. Find what I like again. Reform friendships. Rebuild relationships.





Discover ME!





Then Oprah came on.....and TBH I don't like Oprah....it's usually mind numbing dribble to me. But today she had Louise L Hay on. And a few other guests. The show was on how powerful positive thinking is. I know this is true...it just has to be put into practise....I have done it before, and it has worked.


So I saw this as a sign.


I have her book "You can heal your life", so I am going to read it again.


I also have Dr Phils book "Self Matters", which I have struggled to get past chapter 1 as it was too confronting.


I will read that also.


I'm not saying a book can "fix" me...but I have to start somewhere....and once you take that first step, who knows where the path may lead.





K