Kid free night's ramblings.......

Well another week over!
My mood of late has been a bit crazy....I'm really considering cutting back on my meds, but due to bad experiences, and bad judgement in the past I am hesitant.....I will speak to someone first, but it is playing on my mind.
I'm having crazy lows......BAD lows....not just being apathetic and hiding on the puter or curling up on the lounge.
I'm having crazy highs....like today I got all OCD on the loungeroom...then when it was sparkling I couldn't stop looking at the damn bookcase, and how it needs moving, the books need rearranging, the books need cleaning....alarm bells ringing...who? exactly *cleans* their books.... my dishes need doing but instead I scrubbed spots off the floor that are probably invisible to the naked eye.....
And my "inbetweens" aren't so great! They're my anxious times. My body isn't playing nice ATM. I'm having really bad muscle & joint aches, which sometimes have me in tears, and sometimes just leave me pondering that something is just NQR. My stomach is still wreaking it's own havoc, I find it hard to eat anything more than a piece of toast, without struggling to keep it down...drinking isn't a problem...but again if I go over a certain amount, it threatens to repeat itself.....and again pains that take my breath away. Not to mention the 'arthritis' in my knee which at the mo is waking me up every night!!! That IS PAIN people...luckily childbirth has taught me to breath through it and it only lasts a few minutes at a time.

Moving on...I am still at the "farking course from HELL "......I can bag it till the cows come home...only because my house suffers, and I could do so much more at home. But mostly the folks there are great, really, they are! And one positive I haven't mentioned I don't think, is that something FORCING me out of the house everyday is brilliant. As much as I say I WAS agoraphobic...I still am....I still struggle to leave the house most days...I still dread the drive to the 'course', I still dread walking in, finding something to say, being amongst people. But once I'm there I tend to speak freely, make acquaintances, apply for jobs, and mostly GAIN CONFIDENCE THAT I CAN SURVIVE IN REALITY! I have been petrified of getting an interview, to the point that I was WAY too picky over jobs I was applying for. Now I am applying for anything, and thinking that an interview....any interview...would be great experience if nothing else. I have expressed my anxiety to a couple of people & they have been sooo supportive, a few even gave their own stories of debilitating anxiety. I am sure I may continue to bag it, seeing I just discovered once my *3 weeks* are up, I still need to go in twice a week, and it REALLY can be frustrating/boring/mind-numbing etc etc....but if all else fails I'll start a tafe course LOL!

Other matters....let's see.....
AH still being *nice*. He was a bit short with me today, but still has me concerned.
The bloke I knew through AH has been stalking me again. I told him we couldn't have anymore contact as long as it was kept a 'secret'.......all had to be laid out or STOP CALLING ME! But he keeps texting & phoning....I ignore both, hoping he will soon get the message! But it stops for a week or so then I get bombarded with "R U there" "R U OK" "Can I call" and my favourite "R U on" ....lol on what? He's drug-fucked...so what can I say.
Oh speaking of drug fucked...there is this guy at a local shop who I thought was quite cute, he was nice and all, but our conversations rarely went past Hi, how you going? kinda stuff...and he was ALWAYS in a rush.... Today I had reason to go into deeper discussion & well, I think he is speeding or coked out of his brain LOL...I have such great taste!
Think I'd better stick to the *single* gig just a tad longer....like a decade or so!

OK I think I can safely open my bottle of red now....was a bit too eager before, at 5.30pm....need to call the kids soon so think I'm safe...off to set up the Wii and have a partay ;-p

K

Happy Mothers Day...Pfft!

Next year I am going to waive my *right* to have my children on Mothers Day.
Next Year I am going to do whatever *I* want.

It all started at midnight, I was all warm and cozy in bed, drifting off to pleasant dreams. In that twilight zone, where you can still hear things around you but really don't give 2 shits what they are....unless you have to.

So I hear the pitter-patter of (not so)tiny feet.
must be J off to the loo I sleepily surmise.
I hear a bit of a thud
I'm sure I left a light on, he's just half asleep....
Then I hear the tinkling of him doing his business
Ahhh he found the loo....
Then the tinkling gets louder
Surely I can't hear all that from the loo....
Then I realise the tinkling isn't hitting water....it sounds like it's very close, and against a hard surface.
WTF!
I sit bolt upright, and listen some more.
There is NO WAY that is coming from the toilet....What is going on?
I stagger out of bed, and pull open my door, and step out into the fully-lit hallway, squinting against the brightness....
AND FIND MY SON STANDING AT THE OTHER END OF THE HALLWAY PISSING ON THE FUCKING FLOOR!!!!!

After picking my jaw up off the floor, I ask him what he is doing?
He glances up at me and says "What are YOU doing?"
All the while he IS STILL PISSING ALL OVER THE FLOOR. But I've distracted him so now he is pissing up the FUCKING WALLS AS WELL!!!

I ask him several more times...."J!!! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?"

Eventually I get a response.
The cackling laugh of a fucking psychotic Hyena!!! And he DOESN'T STOP. HE doesn't stop laughing AND he doesn't stop pissing all over the fucking place!

Eventually, after what felt like a fucking hour, he stops, shakes & pulls his pants up.

Then he looks at me and says "What am I doing?"
Fucked if I know!
Like Father Like Fucking Son is all I know!

Then I had to send him to get the mop in his dazed state. I was stranded on one side of the hallway....the only way I could get to the laundry, kitchen, living areas of the house was to walk through a fucking river of urine, and well....FUCK THAT! He may be my son, but FUCK THAT!

Finally I mopped the mess up and sent him off to bed. And MADE him say Happy Mothers Day before doing so, and warning him that he now had a LOT to make up for!

I get up this morning to crappy presents.
The AH gave the kids $10 each to spend at the Mothers Day stall at school.
J spent $3 and pocketed the change.
E spent more and gave her change to J.

There were 2 chocolates in one of the gifts, yep 2 generic pink foil heart shaped chocolates.
But I've been HOUNDED all morning for them.
They want to eat them, Why do *I* get to eat them.
COS IT'S MOTHERS DAY, NOT FUCKING KIDS DAY.

They've been hounding me all fucking day!
I'm hungry.
I want chocolate.
I want biscuits.
Make me lunch.
Make me a drink.
Lets go out somewhere special.
Okay, says I, we will go somewhere.
I wanna go to the movies.
I wanna go bowling.
Well I don't.
WAHHH not fair...yadayadayada!

SILENCE!

So now I think we'll just stay home all day so they can suffer!
And they WILL be cleaning their bedrooms at the very least.
Ungrateful little turds!
E has just stormed off and slammed her door cos apparently I suck! She still wants my fucking chocolate!

Next year I'm having Mothers Day off!
As it should be.

I hope all the other mums out there are having a fabulous day & are getting spoilt rotten!

K

**Edited to add this beautiful letter from DD**

It says " I am out sid beacase I can not do enifing fun. J has had fun why kunt I do enifing fun. Sorry. Me"

Now I am planning on sending her a letter back, asking why can't I do anything fun? It's Mothers Day! GET OVER IT QUICKLY!

But first I have to stop laughing & refrain myself from using HER spelling of *can't* ROFLMAO!!!!

Oh and for those without kiddies it says in laymens terms: "I am outside, because I can not do anything fun. J has had fun why can't I do anything fun. Sorry Me."

K

Men! Think I'll go Lesbo thanks!

It's official... All men ARE cheating bastards!
Since the AH & I have separated 2 men have kissed me. Neither of them are single!
Are they missing a fucking chromosone or 10.
The first was someone I didn't know that well, and I kissed back, then I found out he had a girlfriend, so pissed him off. He was persistent though.....It's been a while since I've heard from him....and I hope I don't hear from him again. Why have a girlfriend moron!
Oh and I forgot about the 'stalker'....he had a girlfriend too & was getting a bit scary....perverted prick!
Then out of the blue I get a visitor. Somebody whom I only know because of my marriage to the AH. Someone who is MARRIED! I was a bit surprised, but it was nice to see him as we get along well, and I've been cut off from that part of my life. And he seemed genuinely concerned for how I was..... Then when he left he gave me a hug told me to take care... THEN KISSED ME!!! WTF!!! I reeled back in shock!!! Then he tried it on again!!!! Do men have no morals? Are they truly controlled by their fucking cocks? Does commitment mean nothing?
The AH screwed around behind my back, does this automatically mean I have a secret desire to be the 'other' woman. Do I have a fucking neon sign on my forehead flashing "Kiss me if your taken".
I think not!
And people think I want or need a man in my life. Think I'll pass thanks very much!

"You're a nice looking girl, it won't take long to find someone new..."

I don't know HOW many times I have heard that since I separated from the AH.
And I don't get it.
From strangers, from aquaintences, from friends, from family.
Is being single a disease I have yet to hear of?
Does HE need replacing?
Do I need to be in a relationship to be happy?
Why do people think I need to find another man?
I'm not totally opposed to the idea, but fuck! It's been 4 months (in 4 days), why do people say this.
Or "I'm a nice girl......"
It's a bit of a backhanded compliment really.
I'm nice & good looking apparently, but I won't be whole until I find that elusive other half.
Half my problem's stemmed from me not being "good enough for *insert any reason on this earth*"
I kinda want to rediscover ME.
I want to enjoy being ME.
And know that I am OK just the way I am.
Without any outside influence interrupting that process.
Whenever I say "Oh I'm really not interested in finding anyone new"
I get a weird look, and then a knowing smirk (what am I missing?), and "Oh maybe not yet, but you will!"
Uuuum yeah....but what's the rush!
Can anyone tell me....has my 7 years out of the single-scene made me miss something?

My Gay Kiwi Stalker

Let me set the scene....
My good friend 'N" & I went out....her friend 'A' managed to tag along.
N is happily married, and A is someone she knows through "kid-stuff". A is divorced. A got wind that N was going out with her newly seperated friend and somehow managed to wiggle himself a spot on the night LOL
Anyhow, we hop on the train, after I convince her NOT to cach a cab to The Cross from Richmond, and we head to Parra with roadies in hand, giggling and carrying on after 5 hours at the local pub, many beers & shots of Cock Sucking Cowboys *shudder*.
There is one other lonely train traveller in our carriage, and he is obviously taking delight in our carry on, whilst chatting on his phone.
Eventually N, who is definately not backwards in coming forward, starts chatting to this lone traveller, and convinces him to ignore his plans & come to wherever we are going.
When we all first started chatting, N whispers "he's gay!"
Then he said "sex" when he meant 6!
I whispered "no! he's Kiwi"
He then announced that we weren't whispering and he was, in fact, neither!
N also decides that at Blacktown, that we can no longer deal with trains so must catch a cab.
So we cab it to Parramatta, to the pub/club we used to frequent 8 years ago....my how it has changed...just like us, it is no longer hip & happening, but a seedy little dive!
Lone Gay Kiwi was a riot!
I hadn't laughed that hard in ages!
I also hadn't danced that hard in ages, mocking all the other idiots in the place, that was until I said "look at me!" and fell flat on my face! Literally!
I'm all class I tell ya!
Anyway Lone Gay Kiwi was having a ball, as were we, so we ALL exchanged numbers.
Now I have a stalker!
He isn't Lone. He has a girlfriend.....sort of!
He isn't Gay. His explicit messages prove that.
He isn't a Kiwi. He is Scottish!
But he won't stop texting me, and calling me! He lures me with a joke, then he continues....unless he is on a date with his "kind of" girlfriend.
40 texts the next day! STALKER!!!!

It is over 2 weeks and he still contacts me.......
STALKER!

He's on a date tonight, so I should be right for a while....but NOTE TO SELF: DO NOT GIVE OUT YOUR NUMBER NO MATTER WHAT......Funny Gay Kiwis can be stalkers too!