Kid free night's ramblings.......

Well another week over!
My mood of late has been a bit crazy....I'm really considering cutting back on my meds, but due to bad experiences, and bad judgement in the past I am hesitant.....I will speak to someone first, but it is playing on my mind.
I'm having crazy lows......BAD lows....not just being apathetic and hiding on the puter or curling up on the lounge.
I'm having crazy highs....like today I got all OCD on the loungeroom...then when it was sparkling I couldn't stop looking at the damn bookcase, and how it needs moving, the books need rearranging, the books need cleaning....alarm bells ringing...who? exactly *cleans* their books.... my dishes need doing but instead I scrubbed spots off the floor that are probably invisible to the naked eye.....
And my "inbetweens" aren't so great! They're my anxious times. My body isn't playing nice ATM. I'm having really bad muscle & joint aches, which sometimes have me in tears, and sometimes just leave me pondering that something is just NQR. My stomach is still wreaking it's own havoc, I find it hard to eat anything more than a piece of toast, without struggling to keep it down...drinking isn't a problem...but again if I go over a certain amount, it threatens to repeat itself.....and again pains that take my breath away. Not to mention the 'arthritis' in my knee which at the mo is waking me up every night!!! That IS PAIN people...luckily childbirth has taught me to breath through it and it only lasts a few minutes at a time.

Moving on...I am still at the "farking course from HELL "......I can bag it till the cows come home...only because my house suffers, and I could do so much more at home. But mostly the folks there are great, really, they are! And one positive I haven't mentioned I don't think, is that something FORCING me out of the house everyday is brilliant. As much as I say I WAS agoraphobic...I still am....I still struggle to leave the house most days...I still dread the drive to the 'course', I still dread walking in, finding something to say, being amongst people. But once I'm there I tend to speak freely, make acquaintances, apply for jobs, and mostly GAIN CONFIDENCE THAT I CAN SURVIVE IN REALITY! I have been petrified of getting an interview, to the point that I was WAY too picky over jobs I was applying for. Now I am applying for anything, and thinking that an interview....any interview...would be great experience if nothing else. I have expressed my anxiety to a couple of people & they have been sooo supportive, a few even gave their own stories of debilitating anxiety. I am sure I may continue to bag it, seeing I just discovered once my *3 weeks* are up, I still need to go in twice a week, and it REALLY can be frustrating/boring/mind-numbing etc etc....but if all else fails I'll start a tafe course LOL!

Other matters....let's see.....
AH still being *nice*. He was a bit short with me today, but still has me concerned.
The bloke I knew through AH has been stalking me again. I told him we couldn't have anymore contact as long as it was kept a 'secret'.......all had to be laid out or STOP CALLING ME! But he keeps texting & phoning....I ignore both, hoping he will soon get the message! But it stops for a week or so then I get bombarded with "R U there" "R U OK" "Can I call" and my favourite "R U on" ....lol on what? He's drug-fucked...so what can I say.
Oh speaking of drug fucked...there is this guy at a local shop who I thought was quite cute, he was nice and all, but our conversations rarely went past Hi, how you going? kinda stuff...and he was ALWAYS in a rush.... Today I had reason to go into deeper discussion & well, I think he is speeding or coked out of his brain LOL...I have such great taste!
Think I'd better stick to the *single* gig just a tad longer....like a decade or so!

OK I think I can safely open my bottle of red now....was a bit too eager before, at 5.30pm....need to call the kids soon so think I'm safe...off to set up the Wii and have a partay ;-p

K

I hate rollercoasters!

The last few weeks I've been all over the place, and I can't seem to put my finger on WHY.
I've had the lowest of lows.
With anxiety, I have been unable to sit still in the house, pacing the rooms but doing nothing, except check my pulse, try and breath normally, and look in the mirror. Yes. I am a freak. What is your name?
I have been literally forcing myself out the door, but nothing is pleasurable, once again it is all about whether people notice I'm losing the plot. When I shake so much that I can't stand. Too much to even sit. People MUST notice surely....and then the cycle begins....and I just get worse & worse.
And then....as it always does....EVENTUALLY...I'm OK! I'm not great, but I'm OK.
Then the exhaustion hits. Usually with depression right on it's tail.
With Depression.....well I don't know WHY this is getting so bad. I am so used to it now. I get suicidal and I know it will pass, so I just try and sleep, or huddle myself up safe in a corner with the mantra "This too shall pass". I feel the tears welling up over anything and everything, ready to break the floodgate....and I just cannot stop it....and I don't know why. I just want it to stop. Again I keep on with my mantra....and it Does pass....but at the moment it is coming back all too frequently for my liking. Disagreements with the AH that just do my head in....and I feel like he still has control over me.
Then there's my "crazies", when I feel like I am one small step from being tipped right over the edge. One small step till I actually DO run down the street naked, screaming profanities at the neighbours & they DO call the men in white coats to come and take me away forever! When I get so overcome at the supermarket, that the elevator music they play is deafening, and everyone is looking at me, and the lights really hurt my eyes and I want to be ANYWHERE BUT in my own body.
Yeah Welcome to ME!
But I've had some really good times too.
Moshing out with the kids to MB20.
Having coffee with them & just laughing, and enjoying their silliness.
Gorgeous Hugs & Kisses that just melt my heart.
Feeling as though I am finally getting on with life after THE AH.
Chatting to people....maybe even forming friendships.
Weeding the garden at dusk.
Getting along with AH.

I just want some Normalness, and if that isn't a word, well it is now!
I'm sick of not knowing how I'm gonna wake up. And sick of not knowing how I am going to be in an hour, 10 minutes, 5 minutes, fuck even 1 minute!

I'm sick of the fucking roller coaster!
And I wanna get off!
I can do all of the above, if I'm only hit with one at a time. I can do the "crazies". I can do the depression. I can do the anxiety. And I can definitely do the highs. I just cannot do the four seasons in one day.....in one hour.

I don't know if my drugs aren't working, if it's the pill, or it's life just catching up with me.
But I'm tired, and I want a break!

K

I am wondering......

**DISCLOSURE**
You may not want to read this if you get all funny over 'women's issues'.

.....How long does it take for someone to bleed to death?

Seriously.
A friend of mine once told me a joke.
"What is the only animal that can bleed for 5 days & not die?"
"A woman!"

HA!
NOT!
Obviously the 'friend' was a bloke!

So how long can it go on before I do.

It all started when I finally got to see the gyno, to check the AH hadn't given me any little going away presents from the fine establishments he frequents.

Oh and chuck in a pap-smear whilst your there cos it's only been....ummmm....how old is my youngest????

And if I'm lying there with it all laid out on a platter, I may as well get the works right!

And it was awful, uncomfortable & embarrassing....exactly the reasons I put such visits off....proving me right....and why I'll probably wait another 6 years!

I mean she didn't even cover me with a sheet....I know that is totally psychological...but still!

I'm lying there, looking at the ceiling, trying to think of England, not the cobwebs she probably needs to dust off when I hear her say....
"Put your hands into a fist & put them up your bum!"

Shaken back to reality...I was forced to look at her...and said "Ummmm WHAT?!"

She repeated.....doing the actions this time....speaking S...L...O...W...L...Y....
"Put your hands into a fist"
She demonstrates.
"And put them under your bum"
Now she's looking like a flight attendant showing me how to inflate my life jacket. Then adds...
"I can't get a clear view"

GREAT!
I just died a thousand deaths! But at least I don't have to stick my fists UP my bum!

Anyhoo, ahem, now that I have that off my chest, we then also discussed other general issues, and she came to the conclusion that I probably have endometriosis, and that I should try going on the pill, to see if that helps. The deal-breaker was when she told me that I could miss, every 2nd or 3rd period....BONUS!!!! Blood Week is never a happy time in this house....for anyone! Only having to endure it 4-6 times a year would be HEAVEN!

So I paid her my money, and hauled my arse out of her office with my dignity dragging behind me in shreds....
Then spent a small fortune on the Pill, simply because this *special, more expensive pill* had the bonuses of clear skin & no weight gain.....and imagine the costs saved on products.......sounded absolutely magical!

But as with all things....if it sounds too good to be true, then it probably is.

I started the pill on my next period......and it is still going.......3 WEEKS LATER!!!!!
I am soooooo NOT LOVING THIS!

Yesterday I took the first sugar pill....which should signify the start of my NEXT period.....I'm thinking surely this has to STOP SOON! But NOOOO now I'm getting all the symptoms that I am trying to be rid of.....aches, pains, nausea, tiredness, bloating,mad cow disease. (Well they hadn't actually disappeared entirely...so they are just revving up the volume...SO happy!)

When is it going to end?
Will I bleed to death first?
Will I end up in a psych ward?
Cause Blood Week sucks.....but Blood MONTH is HELL!!!!

K

Marry me Rob!

Matchbox 20 ROCKS!

The concert was fucking awesome!

In the beginning the crowd was a little....ummmm.....how can I put it....drab?

I really don't want to offend my Canberra friends, cos I luv em, but, honestly, it was like walking into a set on The Night of the Living Dead, except they didn't want to eat me, but I'm sure a few wouldn't have minded me dead.

They did liven up, but unfortunately the most we got out of the people immediately surrounding us was an ocassional twitch or nod of the head.

I was pumped, jumping out of my skin....so decided to make my own fun.

We had 2 very tall men in front of us, we begged & pleaded to let us in front of them, pointing out that they could be in the last row and STILL see what was going on...they didn't NEED to be third from front! Surprisingly, they refused!
I told the man-mountain in front of us, who looked like he was waiting for his enema to come on rather than THE.BEST.BAND.EVAH!, that "Rob" had come all this way just to see ME! He snarled. His friend laughed, and said "yeah, that's what every girl here is saying"... I stopped smiling, looked him square in the eye and told him very matter of factly that all those "other" girls are insane, he was in fact, here to see ME & ME ONLY!

They avoided eye contact after that!

BWAHAHA!

And their punishment? Me going nuts, jumping, dancing & screaming singing RIGHT.ON.TOP.OF.THEM... and my sister M wolf-whistling ALLLL night... hee hee not my fault the place was packed!

Then there was the girls, all of 18years of age I guess, asking my sister to put her arms down....WTF? She checked for BO then politely refused. Fuck-knobs! These same bimbo's were arguing over a song's name, near the end, thought it was a MB20 song when they were doing The Beatles! *sigh* The youth of today huh!

Then some chick near us yelled out in a kind of breathless wail "I lovvvvvvve you ROB!!!"
So I called out in an even more pathetic breathless wail "Marrry me Rob!"
ROFL
It was only the next morning that I realised one of my sisters thought I was doing it seriously!
I was excited, and I carry on with creepy delusions, but I'm not serious! Not that I would ever say no.....I'm a fucking stay-at-home single mum....I'm allowed my fantasies....surely!

But aside from all my carry on, they were FAN-FUCKING-TASTIC!

We were only 3-4 people back from the stage, so we had a great view......He is sooooo much better looking in person. I always find him a bit dorky on video, and he dances weird....but I like dorky. In person though he is sex on legs. *SWOON*

At one point in the concert he went down on bended knee, singing, and we locked eyes, for what seemed like an eternity.....I grabbed M's hand and nearlly crushed it. She didn't believe me (BITCH!) but my other sis S backed me up....even said it seemed to go on for ages *SWOON*

Now I know when I was 14 I SWORE BLACK AND BLUE that Jon Bon Jovi looked at me whilst swaggering over the ramp 10 metres above me......and I nearlly wet my pants..... This time it DID happen, he was only 2-3metres from me, and my very sensible sis is backing me up, so it MUST be true! (and I won't mention my pants).

Concert over, and I was on cloud nine :-) So I put myself further into debt by buying the USB band of the concert & a t-shirt.

Then M & I decided to go out.....yup, I see why people say Canberra is bat-shit boring. I love the place myself, it's great for kids, heaps to do during the day, but I get where the younger-set are coming from, is all I'm saying. We went through a few suburbs and EVERYTHING was shut! Except for one place that was packed to the rafters, had people passed out in the gutters & the footpaths strewn with broken glass. I aint fussy, and I have no class but even I have a line that, when sober at least, I don't cross!

So we ended up at the local club. Which had 4 VERY drunk man-boys....who had obviously been going since the 2-up started....and 4 very sober man-boys who said they had only just recovered from the night before. So being the party animals we are, we had a beer, shared a packet of chips, then walked up the hill back to M's house, where we both passed out cold on the lounge!

We Rock!

And I'd do it all again in a heartbeat :-)

Marry Me Rob!

Funny as a fart in an elevator!

I've had a crappy time since my sojourn to visit my family down south. Obviously I'm not quite up to scratch yet. I was ignored, disrespected, bitched about, put down, humiliated...all the usual shit really...acceptance in my family is one of our biggest issues....from everyone whether they admit it or not....and then some go and do the exact same thing to me that hurts them most...go figure!

Pffft Family! Who'd have em'

Since my return to the delightful (purge!) city of Sydney, I've had crap from THE ARSEHOLE....the Child Support...the constant flow of bills from him...my inability to mother...my inability...FULL STOP! FARK ORF!

My kids have me on the edge!

My house has me in misery!

My pension has advised me I should have looked for work whilst I was away! Yah! thanks for the notice!

I'm struggling with the shared parenting thing again.

SOOO...tonight I thought "fuck them all and then some!"

Kids are at the AH's

I MADE myself go out despite feeling disgusting.......my foot's fucked, my back is up shit creek without a paddle, I'm tired, I'm crampy minus PMT, my bowels aren't being kind and I'm swaying between Marion Jones on a high then a fucking Codeine Junkie....I Just want to get off....the world I mean....although the other probably wouldn't do any harm....

So I cleansed my face, and threw a mask on....just one going mouldy in the cupboard...the peel off kind! Then decided I'd go all out and do a mini-pedicure...so grabbed the bucket, coffee/chocolate foot soak, filled it up. Dug out some foot-scrub that apparently has diamonds in it, my foot scrubber. my GOLD heel balm (my feet are just nasty ~ thanks mum)....then I found a peel-off mask for my hands, and some nail polish I forgot I had. (Light pink for my fingers....it is now on, and I remember why I forgot it, it is awful!!!!!! Did I chuck it....nooooo....back in the cupboard for next time I get excited & think it would look lovely)

Anyhoo....I digress....

Whilst my 'mask' is drying, I soak my feet, & scrub & soak & scrub & watch TV & talk on the phone.....all the while I am un-knowingly picking at the edges of my face mask.....the peel off one.....pick, watch, pick, scrub, soak, pick, talk, watch, pick........

Then, my feet were done, moisturised, soft....lurvely...so I meander....alll relaxxxxed now...into the bathroom and....

ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!

I swear I heard that stabbing music they used in old horror movies!!!!!

But then FUCK I LAUGHED SO FUCKING HARD I HAD TO TWINKLE!

And you know what....my foot stopped hurting...so did my back....I felt 29 again....

Can you just see me skipping through the daisies?

Then my father rang!

And well, I need say no more! Back to feeling 50, although with a smoother face, softer hands, and feet that don't rip up the floorboards....for now :-)

K

VIAGRA

LOL my gorgeous sister sent me this.....I am SOOOOOOOOO tempted to send it to the ARSEHOLE!

In pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name. For example, the trade name of Tylenol also has a generic name of Acetaminophen. Aleve is also called Naproxen. Amoxil is also called Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen.




The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin. Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin.
Pfizer Corp. Announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of "cocktails", "highballs" and just a good old-fashioned "stiff drink". Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of:
MOUNT & DO.
Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.
If you don't send this to five old friends right away there will be five fewer people laughing in the world.

Edited to add: OOps I sent it to the arsehole.....he majorly pissed me off tonight!!!! I have told him again and again, do not speak to me yet he chooses do so~ sigh ~ so he deserved it. My name : Myhookaneedsahardwun, Myprodusintchargebythaminit, MyhoIpaybythahour, Bygrogitsflatbyviagitsnot..... OK so not very creative tonight ;-)
But I did try!
And what's the bet I wake up in the middle of the night with THE.BEST.NAME.EVAH!
Then I'll fall back asleep and forget!

AESEHAT!

Shitty Day

ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

It's 11am and I've only just been able to get myself to have a shower. I hate days like today. From the second my eyes opened I've been ultra anxious. Hate it! Days like today I actually want to have an anxiety attack, cos I just feel like I'm pent up to the point before climax, and the waiting, and the crazy thinking, and the jumpiness, and the internal screaming is just seconds from pushing me over the edge. But of course if you want a panic attack, it never comes! So I feel like I'm stuck at that awful phase, where it doesn't wane, but it won't peak either!

This too shall pass. This too shall pass. This too shall pass.

I need a plan, the house needs some work, and although that won't quell my anxiety, it will be a distraction, give me a small feeling of control, and will stop the "done nothing but pace the house guilts".

So first...
Finish my Morning Routine.
Wash the frypan, that DH apparently washed last night, grrrr

Then my Thursday stuff......lets see......
*computer maintenance
*ALL rubbish out
*change sheets...that can wait...it's too late and looks like rain.
*Filing....I think finding the computer desk would be a better use of my time.

I also NEED to do some relaxation.

I also need to, but not necessarily today...
*Open new ING account
*Download Ricki Lees new song to ipod for DS
*Find the camping recepts
*Find DS shinpads.

I really WANT to curl up in a ball and go to sleep, for a week or so :-(

First a cuppa.....
K xx