Let me set the scene....
My good friend 'N" & I went out....her friend 'A' managed to tag along.
N is happily married, and A is someone she knows through "kid-stuff". A is divorced. A got wind that N was going out with her newly seperated friend and somehow managed to wiggle himself a spot on the night LOL
Anyhow, we hop on the train, after I convince her NOT to cach a cab to The Cross from Richmond, and we head to Parra with roadies in hand, giggling and carrying on after 5 hours at the local pub, many beers & shots of Cock Sucking Cowboys *shudder*.
There is one other lonely train traveller in our carriage, and he is obviously taking delight in our carry on, whilst chatting on his phone.
Eventually N, who is definately not backwards in coming forward, starts chatting to this lone traveller, and convinces him to ignore his plans & come to wherever we are going.
When we all first started chatting, N whispers "he's gay!"
Then he said "sex" when he meant 6!
I whispered "no! he's Kiwi"
He then announced that we weren't whispering and he was, in fact, neither!
N also decides that at Blacktown, that we can no longer deal with trains so must catch a cab.
So we cab it to Parramatta, to the pub/club we used to frequent 8 years ago....my how it has changed...just like us, it is no longer hip & happening, but a seedy little dive!
Lone Gay Kiwi was a riot!
I hadn't laughed that hard in ages!
I also hadn't danced that hard in ages, mocking all the other idiots in the place, that was until I said "look at me!" and fell flat on my face! Literally!
I'm all class I tell ya!
Anyway Lone Gay Kiwi was having a ball, as were we, so we ALL exchanged numbers.
Now I have a stalker!
He isn't Lone. He has a girlfriend.....sort of!
He isn't Gay. His explicit messages prove that.
He isn't a Kiwi. He is Scottish!
But he won't stop texting me, and calling me! He lures me with a joke, then he continues....unless he is on a date with his "kind of" girlfriend.
40 texts the next day! STALKER!!!!
It is over 2 weeks and he still contacts me.......
STALKER!
He's on a date tonight, so I should be right for a while....but NOTE TO SELF: DO NOT GIVE OUT YOUR NUMBER NO MATTER WHAT......Funny Gay Kiwis can be stalkers too!
09 February 2008
08 February 2008
Be careful what you wish for!
At the start of this year I set myself some goals for 2008. Nothing major. Didn't write them down. Just from some conversations I had with me, myself & I.
1. Quit smoking ~ the reasons for this are obvious.
2. Be good to myself ~ after all the shit I've been through with depression & agoraphobia, I think this one is really important, plus I deserve it after having the fucking life sucked out of me by AH.
3. Lose the niggly 5-6 kgs that still remains ~ I've never been huge, not in my genetic make-up I think. But since starting my current medication I put on about 8 kgs, and I was already about 3 or so over what I deem my "ideal weight". I am also not a dieter, so my plan to do this was just basics....eat better & exercise more.....well just exercise....saying 'more' implies I already do some lol.....aparrently housework doesn't count!
So I start the first 4 weeks of 2008 ignoring all of the above. Smoking heavier than ever, going out & drinking & eating too much, gorging myself on chocolate & ice cream & sour cream mmmmmm sour cream...... Sleeping in, watching movies, no exercise....unless you count my drunken stagger all over the Rocks & down George St with my sis on Australia Day, or me dancing like a lunatic with N at 2am in a seedy Parramatta club.....but I think my inability to move for 48 hours after these events negated any good it might have done.....and I digress....
So we move into week 5 and I get sick........ Thank god the kids were with the AH cos I don't even think I could have mustered the strength to throw a packet of Twisties in their general direction..... If I had had the strength I would have moved my bed next to the toilet, cos dammit it's a long walk when your dehydrated with a jackhammer going in your head and you are trying desperately not to leave a trail of spew & ...well we won't go there....all the way up the hallway and through the kitchen........ at one stage I did take a snooze on the floor of the office......I just couldn't manage the walk.......I've never known cold white hard tiles to be so comforting.....or was I dreaming that...
After 48 hours I was OK.
Then I got a sore throat....then a cold.....then all I could do was sleep....and sip fluids.....and sleep....and sweat.....and freeze......and sleep....and shake.......and freeze.......and well you get the picture. Then it hurt to breathe......then the cough came.....and then my arms ached...then my legs.....then my head....then my back......and my pulse was constantly over 100....which I couldn't work out as I was too sick to be anxious.....
When I couldn't shake it off after 4/5 days I dragged my arse to the dr....who seems to automatically assume it's my depression.....who was quite shocked that Yes! I Was Actually Sick! I have/had Acute Bronchitis with an infection somewhere.....I forgot exactly where now....so I'm on Anti-biotics (ugh!) and am starting to feel human again.....but I'm now coughing a LOT more, which makes me almost pass out!
So where was I going with this......oh that is right.....I stepped on the scales yesterday and I have lost 4.5 of those pesky kilos!!!!!
I need to get sick more often.......or not!
It has also reinforced the need to quit the fags. During all this I was still able to smoke, it didn't hurt (except that first night with the sore throat), it didn't irritate my lungs or start me coughing, which actually scares me more than if it had.
Oh and I was good & looked after me. (Kinda didn't have a choice, but it still counts right?)
2 outta 3 aint bad!
1. Quit smoking ~ the reasons for this are obvious.
2. Be good to myself ~ after all the shit I've been through with depression & agoraphobia, I think this one is really important, plus I deserve it after having the fucking life sucked out of me by AH.
3. Lose the niggly 5-6 kgs that still remains ~ I've never been huge, not in my genetic make-up I think. But since starting my current medication I put on about 8 kgs, and I was already about 3 or so over what I deem my "ideal weight". I am also not a dieter, so my plan to do this was just basics....eat better & exercise more.....well just exercise....saying 'more' implies I already do some lol.....aparrently housework doesn't count!
So I start the first 4 weeks of 2008 ignoring all of the above. Smoking heavier than ever, going out & drinking & eating too much, gorging myself on chocolate & ice cream & sour cream mmmmmm sour cream...... Sleeping in, watching movies, no exercise....unless you count my drunken stagger all over the Rocks & down George St with my sis on Australia Day, or me dancing like a lunatic with N at 2am in a seedy Parramatta club.....but I think my inability to move for 48 hours after these events negated any good it might have done.....and I digress....
So we move into week 5 and I get sick........ Thank god the kids were with the AH cos I don't even think I could have mustered the strength to throw a packet of Twisties in their general direction..... If I had had the strength I would have moved my bed next to the toilet, cos dammit it's a long walk when your dehydrated with a jackhammer going in your head and you are trying desperately not to leave a trail of spew & ...well we won't go there....all the way up the hallway and through the kitchen........ at one stage I did take a snooze on the floor of the office......I just couldn't manage the walk.......I've never known cold white hard tiles to be so comforting.....or was I dreaming that...
After 48 hours I was OK.
Then I got a sore throat....then a cold.....then all I could do was sleep....and sip fluids.....and sleep....and sweat.....and freeze......and sleep....and shake.......and freeze.......and well you get the picture. Then it hurt to breathe......then the cough came.....and then my arms ached...then my legs.....then my head....then my back......and my pulse was constantly over 100....which I couldn't work out as I was too sick to be anxious.....
When I couldn't shake it off after 4/5 days I dragged my arse to the dr....who seems to automatically assume it's my depression.....who was quite shocked that Yes! I Was Actually Sick! I have/had Acute Bronchitis with an infection somewhere.....I forgot exactly where now....so I'm on Anti-biotics (ugh!) and am starting to feel human again.....but I'm now coughing a LOT more, which makes me almost pass out!
So where was I going with this......oh that is right.....I stepped on the scales yesterday and I have lost 4.5 of those pesky kilos!!!!!
I need to get sick more often.......or not!
It has also reinforced the need to quit the fags. During all this I was still able to smoke, it didn't hurt (except that first night with the sore throat), it didn't irritate my lungs or start me coughing, which actually scares me more than if it had.
Oh and I was good & looked after me. (Kinda didn't have a choice, but it still counts right?)
2 outta 3 aint bad!
23 January 2008
I'm crap at this bloggy stuff.....
I shouldn't be, I actually was studying HTML a few years ago, but it all vanished with the pooey nappies me thinks.
I wanted to add some of the blogs I like to visit....so finding that bit was easy enough....but it looks ugly...will work on it some more when my brain is working a bit better....if you're missing let me know.....there are more to add, but I really have wasted enough time on here today.
Oh and I'm not very good at bloggity etiquette, so I am *assuming* it is ok to do what I did.......Please send hatemail if it is not......I'm not getting much lately and miss it.
Oh and this took aggggges because my computer kept freezing...not sure if it was bloggers fault or just windows......
K
I wanted to add some of the blogs I like to visit....so finding that bit was easy enough....but it looks ugly...will work on it some more when my brain is working a bit better....if you're missing let me know.....there are more to add, but I really have wasted enough time on here today.
Oh and I'm not very good at bloggity etiquette, so I am *assuming* it is ok to do what I did.......Please send hatemail if it is not......I'm not getting much lately and miss it.
Oh and this took aggggges because my computer kept freezing...not sure if it was bloggers fault or just windows......
K
17 January 2008
AH SPEW!
We don't speak!
He makes me sick!
He tries to speak & I just get the shits!
He rang tonight to say goodnight to the kids, as per usual, but this time he asked to speak to me afterwards *shudder* I HATE THAT!
I had emailed him to sort out kidstuff, to halt his control issues regarding drop offs & pick ups, and expected a reply, got none, so I texted him stating I assumed he agreed due to no reply, and nominating my 'dinner day' with the kids. He has had them a lot since our return to Sydney and has them for the week, next week, & I wanted a dinner before they were gone for that long.
Anyhoo, he gets on the phone, and for a fucking change is quite amicable, so we organise the next few days, a few alterations with him backing off a bit for a change.
THEN HE STARTS FUCKING CRYING!!!!! CRYING!!!!! OH.MY.FUCKING.GOD.THE.MAN.OF.NO.EMOTION!!!!!
BRING OUT THE VIOLINS!
He has it soooo hard, living at his parents, yadayadayada, because when DS was sick & DD got upset cos she had to come home early and his mum....his mum....as usual the story cut short & I never found out what the fuck he was on about there. Just like when he rang on the eve of my mum starting chemo, whilst I was away, throwing around accusations about me & my XBIL! "How dare I? I can't tell his sister! He shoulda known!" Pfft, I STILL don't know what the fuck he was on....or on about! And he still won't tell me! I did plead....I told him not only I, but my entire family, would like to know what I'd done.....NOTHING! Only silence....the rare silence I get.
Then about work....and his pay....and how fucking HARD life is....some things NEVER change!
Then the classic..
Do I ever sit alone at night and wonder why he did what he did?
Yes I sit many nights moaning about him & what a loss I have endured & and how he has hurt me to my core & how I will never recover & how it was all my fault & how I could have done things differently....
NOT!
Easy answer buddy..."So you could get your dick wet?"
Yes but "WHY????"
Why doesn't matter mate, you did it! FULL STOP! END OF STORY!
Then he started the dribble of all I had done wrong!
Uuuum I was going through the fucking toughest year (more actually) of my life with agoraphobia, whilst you were out FUCKING prostitutes and paying for Viagra just so you could keep it UP!
You spent most of your time at home passed out.....was I supposed to rape you? What was there to find you attractive? Physical attractiveness left years ago....emotional attractiveness & intamacy followed shortly after.....but it was MY FAULT?!?!?!
AND....
Well.....
basically....
It does not matter anymore....you did the unforgiveable....MOVE ON ARSEHOLE!
If your life sucks....well you deserve it!
Go find a hookers shoulder to cry on.....you have no other fucking bills now, so why not!
Meanwhile I need to feed & clean the kids, so I'll see you in the morning when I drop them off at your place!
FARKING ARSEHAT!
K
He makes me sick!
He tries to speak & I just get the shits!
He rang tonight to say goodnight to the kids, as per usual, but this time he asked to speak to me afterwards *shudder* I HATE THAT!
I had emailed him to sort out kidstuff, to halt his control issues regarding drop offs & pick ups, and expected a reply, got none, so I texted him stating I assumed he agreed due to no reply, and nominating my 'dinner day' with the kids. He has had them a lot since our return to Sydney and has them for the week, next week, & I wanted a dinner before they were gone for that long.
Anyhoo, he gets on the phone, and for a fucking change is quite amicable, so we organise the next few days, a few alterations with him backing off a bit for a change.
THEN HE STARTS FUCKING CRYING!!!!! CRYING!!!!! OH.MY.FUCKING.GOD.THE.MAN.OF.NO.EMOTION!!!!!
BRING OUT THE VIOLINS!
He has it soooo hard, living at his parents, yadayadayada, because when DS was sick & DD got upset cos she had to come home early and his mum....his mum....as usual the story cut short & I never found out what the fuck he was on about there. Just like when he rang on the eve of my mum starting chemo, whilst I was away, throwing around accusations about me & my XBIL! "How dare I? I can't tell his sister! He shoulda known!" Pfft, I STILL don't know what the fuck he was on....or on about! And he still won't tell me! I did plead....I told him not only I, but my entire family, would like to know what I'd done.....NOTHING! Only silence....the rare silence I get.
Then about work....and his pay....and how fucking HARD life is....some things NEVER change!
Then the classic..
Do I ever sit alone at night and wonder why he did what he did?
Yes I sit many nights moaning about him & what a loss I have endured & and how he has hurt me to my core & how I will never recover & how it was all my fault & how I could have done things differently....
NOT!
Easy answer buddy..."So you could get your dick wet?"
Yes but "WHY????"
Why doesn't matter mate, you did it! FULL STOP! END OF STORY!
Then he started the dribble of all I had done wrong!
Uuuum I was going through the fucking toughest year (more actually) of my life with agoraphobia, whilst you were out FUCKING prostitutes and paying for Viagra just so you could keep it UP!
You spent most of your time at home passed out.....was I supposed to rape you? What was there to find you attractive? Physical attractiveness left years ago....emotional attractiveness & intamacy followed shortly after.....but it was MY FAULT?!?!?!
AND....
Well.....
basically....
It does not matter anymore....you did the unforgiveable....MOVE ON ARSEHOLE!
If your life sucks....well you deserve it!
Go find a hookers shoulder to cry on.....you have no other fucking bills now, so why not!
Meanwhile I need to feed & clean the kids, so I'll see you in the morning when I drop them off at your place!
FARKING ARSEHAT!
K
16 January 2008
Funny as a fart in an elevator!
I've had a crappy time since my sojourn to visit my family down south. Obviously I'm not quite up to scratch yet. I was ignored, disrespected, bitched about, put down, humiliated...all the usual shit really...acceptance in my family is one of our biggest issues....from everyone whether they admit it or not....and then some go and do the exact same thing to me that hurts them most...go figure!
Pffft Family! Who'd have em'
Since my return to the delightful (purge!) city of Sydney, I've had crap from THE ARSEHOLE....the Child Support...the constant flow of bills from him...my inability to mother...my inability...FULL STOP! FARK ORF!
My kids have me on the edge!
My house has me in misery!
My pension has advised me I should have looked for work whilst I was away! Yah! thanks for the notice!
I'm struggling with the shared parenting thing again.
SOOO...tonight I thought "fuck them all and then some!"
Kids are at the AH's
I MADE myself go out despite feeling disgusting.......my foot's fucked, my back is up shit creek without a paddle, I'm tired, I'm crampy minus PMT, my bowels aren't being kind and I'm swaying between Marion Jones on a high then a fucking Codeine Junkie....I Just want to get off....the world I mean....although the other probably wouldn't do any harm....
So I cleansed my face, and threw a mask on....just one going mouldy in the cupboard...the peel off kind! Then decided I'd go all out and do a mini-pedicure...so grabbed the bucket, coffee/chocolate foot soak, filled it up. Dug out some foot-scrub that apparently has diamonds in it, my foot scrubber. my GOLD heel balm (my feet are just nasty ~ thanks mum)....then I found a peel-off mask for my hands, and some nail polish I forgot I had. (Light pink for my fingers....it is now on, and I remember why I forgot it, it is awful!!!!!! Did I chuck it....nooooo....back in the cupboard for next time I get excited & think it would look lovely)
Anyhoo....I digress....
Whilst my 'mask' is drying, I soak my feet, & scrub & soak & scrub & watch TV & talk on the phone.....all the while I am un-knowingly picking at the edges of my face mask.....the peel off one.....pick, watch, pick, scrub, soak, pick, talk, watch, pick........
Then, my feet were done, moisturised, soft....lurvely...so I meander....alll relaxxxxed now...into the bathroom and....
ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!
I swear I heard that stabbing music they used in old horror movies!!!!!
But then FUCK I LAUGHED SO FUCKING HARD I HAD TO TWINKLE!
And you know what....my foot stopped hurting...so did my back....I felt 29 again....
Can you just see me skipping through the daisies?
Then my father rang!
And well, I need say no more! Back to feeling 50, although with a smoother face, softer hands, and feet that don't rip up the floorboards....for now :-)
K
24 December 2007
MERRY CHRISTMAS!
23 December 2007
Life sucks & then you die!
:-(
Just found out my mums cancer news is not good.
She probably won't make it through the year. She is starting Chemo again in January, but the dr isn't really positive about her body coping with it. It's at the point where if the cancer doesn't kill her, the treatment probably will.
I just spoke to her, and in all honesty, she sounded like shit! Tired and old....... My step father isn't coping well apparently, he's always been the upbeat, positive, stereotypical Aussie Larrikin. I think reality has hit, and he is a broken man. I didn't get a chance to speak to him, but I spoke to my sister K, and she told me everything.
There is soo much shit going on in my family. 2 estranged daughters. Nasty stuff. Stuff that needs to be sorted. Sad shit! If they can all just get past the anger & hurt, maybe it isn't too late...but I'm afraid it may be too late....for 1 sister anyway.....
After much indecision, I decided today, prior to getting the above news, I wouldn't go to mums for xmas day. For a few reasons.....the main being resistance from the ArseHole...2ndly J has come down sick today, I think it may be what E had a week ago, so could well last up to a week & may get worse in between (not great for a 6+ hour drive), 3rdly E's b'day is on 1/1 and her fandangle present is in getting repaired (hopefully), so I kind of have to stay put to find out what's going on with that. If I go to Albury, I need to stay at least a week to make it worth it. And 4thly....finally....I have my gyno appointment on the 7th....to see if AH has infected me from his romping with trollops! I had to wait 7 weeks for the appointment, I really don't want to wait another 7.
Gosh! that all sounds rather shallow!
I will be going down, but most likely in the 2nd week of Jan. That is when mum starts treatment. She most likely won't be sick from the first lot, so that should be OK. (Oh and by that I don't mean I don't want to be there to look after her, it's more that the kids can be quite taxing on her, and she doesn't need that IYKWIM.
At some time in the next few days I need to ring and try & reason with the 2 'estranged' sisters...sigh....
Right now I need to go wrap some presents now the kids are asleep. Turn on my xmas lights to try and get some semblance of peace & joy. I had apathy towards xmas before....now any spirit that was tucked deep down inside has been drained completely....and here I was thinking 2008 had to be better.....
At least I've been put in my spot!
I can live with no air-con in the car, a dodgy washing machine, an AH for an EXH.....my mum....well that's another story....despite all our differences......OK getting teary now....time to move on and focus....just for the next few days....
Hug your loved ones!
K
Just found out my mums cancer news is not good.
She probably won't make it through the year. She is starting Chemo again in January, but the dr isn't really positive about her body coping with it. It's at the point where if the cancer doesn't kill her, the treatment probably will.
I just spoke to her, and in all honesty, she sounded like shit! Tired and old....... My step father isn't coping well apparently, he's always been the upbeat, positive, stereotypical Aussie Larrikin. I think reality has hit, and he is a broken man. I didn't get a chance to speak to him, but I spoke to my sister K, and she told me everything.
There is soo much shit going on in my family. 2 estranged daughters. Nasty stuff. Stuff that needs to be sorted. Sad shit! If they can all just get past the anger & hurt, maybe it isn't too late...but I'm afraid it may be too late....for 1 sister anyway.....
After much indecision, I decided today, prior to getting the above news, I wouldn't go to mums for xmas day. For a few reasons.....the main being resistance from the ArseHole...2ndly J has come down sick today, I think it may be what E had a week ago, so could well last up to a week & may get worse in between (not great for a 6+ hour drive), 3rdly E's b'day is on 1/1 and her fandangle present is in getting repaired (hopefully), so I kind of have to stay put to find out what's going on with that. If I go to Albury, I need to stay at least a week to make it worth it. And 4thly....finally....I have my gyno appointment on the 7th....to see if AH has infected me from his romping with trollops! I had to wait 7 weeks for the appointment, I really don't want to wait another 7.
Gosh! that all sounds rather shallow!
I will be going down, but most likely in the 2nd week of Jan. That is when mum starts treatment. She most likely won't be sick from the first lot, so that should be OK. (Oh and by that I don't mean I don't want to be there to look after her, it's more that the kids can be quite taxing on her, and she doesn't need that IYKWIM.
At some time in the next few days I need to ring and try & reason with the 2 'estranged' sisters...sigh....
Right now I need to go wrap some presents now the kids are asleep. Turn on my xmas lights to try and get some semblance of peace & joy. I had apathy towards xmas before....now any spirit that was tucked deep down inside has been drained completely....and here I was thinking 2008 had to be better.....
At least I've been put in my spot!
I can live with no air-con in the car, a dodgy washing machine, an AH for an EXH.....my mum....well that's another story....despite all our differences......OK getting teary now....time to move on and focus....just for the next few days....
Hug your loved ones!
K
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