My old friend insanity whispered in my ear...

I found the Viagra on Thursday 1/11/07
I found the cold hard evidence on Friday 2/11/07
I didn't expect finding it to be so easy. I honestly thought I'd be searching for months...at least weeks....but it was easy....and had actually been staring me in the face for over a year. I really believe I weren't MEANT to find it until now. A year ago I was a mess. I was housebound from the agoraphobia, and was struggling to keep my head afloat, I was in the worst depression, and was in no state to do ANYTHING if I had known the truth.
Those 10 days, from when I found out, but he had no idea, to the day he left for his work trip, are all a bit of a blur. I rememeber my anxiety was sky-high....I remember realising I hadn't left the house for days, except for school runs, which were getting harder & harder...I realised I HAD to leave the house. I FORCED myself to go shopping...it was awful....like the early days, but I knew it was something I had to do. I was in regular contact with 2 of my sisters, and my best buddy. It eventually got easier.
I remember driving somewhere at one stage, and I literally thought I had lost my mind! I was just driving aimlessly, no idea where I was going or what I was doing, I was at the brink....I was going to somehow drive to Westmead Psych unit and admit myself. I didn't though. But it crossed my mind a few more times.
Those first few days I was desperate for him not to know what I knew, and my efforts resulted in us having discussions like we hadn't in years. They were great talks....the very thing I've craved in our sorry marriage....but they were FAKE! I even felt sorry for him a few times....but mostly I was sad & angry.... my sister thought I was developing Tourettes(sp?) syndrome...as every time he spoke to me I would SCREAM "HOOKER" in my head, and quite often I would reel back..."Fuck did I say that out loud?" LOL
My anxiety did me in a few times....I would cope with the day quite well, but the thought of him coming home did my head in! And then when he was here, I found it increasingly difficult to play happy families. I opted for easy meals & take away, which meant I didn't have to sit across a table from him, I could barely stomach any food anyway! I burnt or ruined nearlly every meal I did manage to cook too....lol
I lost 5kgs!
He was supposed to leave on Tuesday 13th, but he left on Monday....Holy Fuck was I relieved! I didn't care why? I just knew every day he was there with me knowing and him having no idea, but *maybe* finding out...was sending me closer & closer to the edge!
I went out for Melbourne Cup....which resulted in me not being spoken to for near a week, because Joe's cousins, aunties sisters, nieces, best friends dad's uncles mother said that a 50 year old guy said that I looked like a famous swimmer!!! Yeah...great logic in that one!
(I had a great day though....despite not being picked up by a 50yr old...and it did me the world of good!)
WE fought BIG before he left...and I often brought up..."are you hiding anything?" "How long since you've had sex?"....without actually saying I KNEW anything.......and I've never claimed he was the brightest of the species....but he was clueless....but still denied everything, and repeatedly told me HE was innocent of all wrong doing!
FUCKWIT!
I mean there is DUMB & DUMBER....but where the fuck does he come in......Patrick?
See Spongebob squarepants if you don't understand. ROFL
And if you have a dumber reference...please let me know....Cos whatever braincells the man has left is sure to be sucked up my his next drink....or shot out with his next hit of Viagra with a twist of HOOKER!

Note to others....If you have a panic attack in the limo as it's pulling up to the church for your wedding...take it as a SIGN!

K

The whole sorry story......

Well I am officially seperated, and a single mum wiff 2 kids......
On the 1st November DickHead went to work as per usual but left his laptop bag behind. His laptop was at work so he obviously didn't miss it. I decided to have a gander to see if his "secret credit card" statements were in there....Racking up $3000.00 a quarter on what???? But what did I find?? Yes I found some reminders from the secret credit card, but no statements...sigh...then I felt something in an area that didn't seem to have a pocket...ooooh a hidden pocket....ooooh VIAGRA!!!!! WHAT THE FUCK!!!!! The last time we were "together" was February...yes we have a truckload of issues....the prescription date was August 17....hmmmmm....3 out of 4 were gone....hmmmmmmm!
I ring my sister, shaking like a leaf....she says "Fred doesn't have the emotional maturity to carry on an affair" Good Point!
I don my detectives hat....I probably shouldn't say exactly what I did to find out....but BOY DID I FIND OUT! THE ARSE HAT HAS BEEN FUCKING HOOKERS FOR OVER A YEAR!!!! And who knows what else...or for how long....my records are limited. And what FUCK-KNOB BUYS VIAGRA TO FUCK A HOOKER!!!!! yeah a LOSER!!!!
As my psych said....he could have saved himself a mint on viagra if he'd stopped the 1 + bottle/s of scotch a day!!!! Fucking Moron!

I didn't know what to do or how to do it, so I said nothing! My previous attempts at leaving the marriage were met by threats, aggression & intimidation....I had to have a plan!

So we played happy family's, we ate too much "easy" food & take away, as the thought of sharing a table with him made me physically ill. We even went out to lunch with the kids at a pub, and he was wondering why my anxiety was sky-high. Every time he tried to kiss me, my skin crawled, and I had a mini-chuck! He even suggested we have sex (full blown vomiting that night I tell ya *shudder*). My 'moment' came though. He was going away for a whole week for work....a whole week! Hallejulah! I need a plan.

I had Homer Simpson moments...where I thought I had said out loud what I thought LOL that was funny.........

I spent my days organising who I had to speak to, making phone calls, gathering evidence, gathering support & spending as little time alone with him as possible! We had a huge fight the night before he left and I was soooooo tempted to just blurt it all out, instead it went like this...mid-fight...can't remember what started it....
F: "We haven't had sex in months, you won't even sleep in the same bed"
Me: "I wonder why" (Fat slob alcho selfish fuckwit)
F: " because I stink & I snore?"
Me: "Yep and you reek of alcohol" (ahhhh HOOKER!!!! arsehat!)
F: "We haven't had sex in 10 months!!!"
Me: "You haven't had sex in 10 months?" (FUCKING DISEASE RIDDEN MONKEY ARSE)
F: "Well 9....maybe 8...."
Me: "So YOU are telling me YOU haven't had sex in 8 months?" (SCUMSUCKING GUTTER SNAKE)
F: "Yeah well....8 or 9"
Me: *quietly* "Not 2 or 3" (Hope your fucking DICK falls off numbskull)
F: "What....3??? No what are you talking about?"
Me: " Why all the secrecy and paranoia lately?" (Should I cut your balls off with a blunt rusty knife first....or start with circumcision?)
F: "What are you talking about, we discussed this it's nothing"
Me: "So you've got nothing to hide?" (HOOKER!!!!)
F: "No, don't be silly"
Me: "So you can promise me that you are hiding NOTHING?" (HOOKERHOOKERHOOKERHOOKER)
F: "Yeah I promise...nothing"
Me: "OK fine" (FUCKWIT! You have fucked with me for the LAST time........hmmmm circumcision would be best.....nail clippers or the kids blunt craft scissors....decisions...decisions...HOOKER...ARSEHAT! )

:-D Bugger..... Arsehat now makes me smile....Damn you Kelly!

To be continued.....

DH = DICKHEAD

Been AWOL lately....
Heaps of shit has been happening, I am married to a fucking arsehole, and it has taken ALL my strength just to get through each day sane....I'm still hanging on, but things are likely to get worse before they get better!
I would write more detail, but I seem to have a reader, and I'm paranoid it's HIM. I doubt it....but I have to think of every possibility!
I'm on the home stretch now.....well the home stretch of this phase!
Give me strength and patience to get through this nightmare!
Did I mention DH is a fucking arsehole? If not...he is!
He is away for work ATM, thank god!
K

Menu Plan

As usual 2 easy + 2 takeaway.

1. Spag Bol with dinner rolls
2. Creamy tuna + basil Penne (new)
3. Homemade Pizzas
4. BBQ + salad (I generally choose meat that is on special)
5. Chicken Burritos
6. Roast Chook & veg
7. BBQ + salad
8. Spag Bol with garlic bread (I usually cook a double batch and freeze half)
9. Chicken + Basil Fried Rice (new)
10. Chicken Salsa + mashed spuds + veg

I have 2 new ones this week, trying to find inspiration through cookbooks. Also I really want to incorporate some fish into our meals, my kids have declared they hate tuna, even though I'm pretty sure they haven't tried it, but they love pasta, so I'll try and sneak it in that way :-) When I buy a chook to roast, I get a HUGE one, so the fried rice is a way to use the leftover meat, in a different way than the usual pasta bake I do.

We'll see how we go :-)

A also caved into my week long craving for sour cream yesterday.....lunch is cooking now and I can't wait to smother it in sour cream, mmmmmmmmmmm

Will start my diet tomorrow........bwahaha!

Kxx

Is this my lot in life?

No I don't want to whinge.....and I'm no angel....I just want OUT!

Today was one of my house cleaning days, it's also the day I take the kids out for coffee, which is a nice ritual. Don't be under any illusions that we have D & M's, they usually involve them racing to see who can finish their drink first, and how many freebies they can get out of the shop-owners.....Whilst I enjoy my drink as much as possible, and try and extract some talk out of them lol. They make the best Mochas though :-) And the kids agree about their hot chocolates!
So Fridays are quite nice. Clean & Sparkly house, happy kids and happy mum!

Then HE arrives! He was late tonight, arriving about 6pm. Kids in bath, dinner cooking, sparkly house....all the things apparently important to him (Won't even go THERE right now).
But somethings up. He doesn't grab a drink. The thought goes through my mind that maybe...just maybe...he has chosen not to drink. I know we have money in the bank.....but that other thought is running through my mind.....He's had his fill already......What's coming next?

For the amount he drinks & for the time he's been drinking, and the time we've been married, I STILL cannot always tell if he's been drinking......Probablybecause he is always drinking.......

All we've said to each other thus far is hello....which is normal.....

As I'm finishing dinner I get the occasional glimpse of him in the lounge watching TV, one eyed, his flashing beacon to say he's full. Plus he still hasn't got a drink. Plus he keeps looking at me as if he wishes me dead.

At 6.30pm ( dinner was a bit late), I hear him telling DD to go to bed (????? their bedtime is 7.30-8.00 on a school night????). She laughs & says they haven't even had dinner yet, but he persists for a bit longer then gives up, and falls asleep (passes out).
Dinners ready so DD wakes him....I wish she didn't....he eventually staggers to the table, starts slamming stuff, shoving his food down his throat like a fucking caged animal. I keep my eyes lowered, I do not want to look at him. After he finishes eating he gets up and say he'll do the dishes in the morning...I said 'no worries, I'll finish them off, they are mostly done anyway'. Which was true, I didn't care, and as I'd washed as I went, there were only really the things we were using at the dinner table.
So he glares at me, muttering under his breath, and starts on the dishes, making as much noise as possible, and throws the dish cloths across the kitchen???? WTF!!!!!!!
Then he collapses on the lounge again to watch tv one eyed again.......The kids and I are still eating. (Gawd this gets my goat....I think it's so fucking rude! But that's another whinge.....)
After dinner & clean up, I had given the kids their normal 10min warning till bed, then went outside (I smoke). Next, I hear DH telling them to go to bed.....sigh...here we go..... Anyway the kids tell them they still had 10 mins, this goes back and forth a bit....Then he ROARS "WHO"S THE BOSS?"
The kids reply, in unison "MUM"
ROFL I did giggle for a minute on THAT one.....I have taught them well!
He gave up after that and retreated to his lounge & one-eyed TV watching, before passing out....before the kids 10mins were even up.

God is it any wonder I'm FUCKED UP! The uncertainty of which DH is coming home, drives me bonkers. I hate days like today the most I think, it raises my shackles when he doesn't get a drink as soon as he walks in the door, and I feel like I'm just waiting, and waiting, and trying not to set him off.

The kids are asleep now + I can relax a bit as he should be down for the count now. He'll wake up, but he'll grab his bottle of water and toddle off to bed.

Poor Mr Perfect, he's got it sooo tough. Yeat his drinking isn't an issue as he "is still productive". Productive at what though? Bringing in an income that can barely support his habit? Good for him! His marriage is a shambles, and there is nothing 'material' to show for all his hard work. He's only fooling himself.
And one day I WILL be strong enough to move on.
And one day his kids will realise that snippets of attention, random gifts, and their parents staying together at all costs don't add up to much in the grand scheme of things!

K

Shitty Day

ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

It's 11am and I've only just been able to get myself to have a shower. I hate days like today. From the second my eyes opened I've been ultra anxious. Hate it! Days like today I actually want to have an anxiety attack, cos I just feel like I'm pent up to the point before climax, and the waiting, and the crazy thinking, and the jumpiness, and the internal screaming is just seconds from pushing me over the edge. But of course if you want a panic attack, it never comes! So I feel like I'm stuck at that awful phase, where it doesn't wane, but it won't peak either!

This too shall pass. This too shall pass. This too shall pass.

I need a plan, the house needs some work, and although that won't quell my anxiety, it will be a distraction, give me a small feeling of control, and will stop the "done nothing but pace the house guilts".

So first...
Finish my Morning Routine.
Wash the frypan, that DH apparently washed last night, grrrr

Then my Thursday stuff......lets see......
*computer maintenance
*ALL rubbish out
*change sheets...that can wait...it's too late and looks like rain.
*Filing....I think finding the computer desk would be a better use of my time.

I also NEED to do some relaxation.

I also need to, but not necessarily today...
*Open new ING account
*Download Ricki Lees new song to ipod for DS
*Find the camping recepts
*Find DS shinpads.

I really WANT to curl up in a ball and go to sleep, for a week or so :-(

First a cuppa.....
K xx

ahhhhh the tranquility.....

Kids went back to school today and I did a little happy dance on the way home after drop-off :-) Then I came home and pumped up music with bad language, just cos I could, and cleaned!!!!
The holidays actually went well, and I miss them now....well a little bit lol
I actually did normal mum stuff, I did have to push myself, and I had quite a few about-to-lose-my-mind-strip-off-naked-and-run-down-the-street-screaming moments, and there were many fights & arguments & and me being told how awful I am, but apart from that, It was great :-D

First week we headed off camping down to beautiful Jervis Bay with my 2 sisters & and their kids. DH ended up coming too. But we all had a great time......our feet have ingrained dirt that I'm not sure will ever go away....but it was worth the feral feet. Kids had a blast catching crabs, going to the beach, fishing with DH, feeding all the gorgeous parrots that flock there, playing with the other kids, being feral (and being allowed lol), chasing kangaroos & wallabies, talking to the locals, going to the aboriginal story times.....and the list could go on and on..... Us adults drank too much, ate well, had siestas, and well....relaxed.
The cleanup was a nightmare when we got home....mainly cause I got to do 95% of it......but still worth it....we hope to do it again next year!

This 2nd week, the kids have caught up with their Sydney cousins a couple of times, I took them to the movies, shopping, the park, and the biggie.......
wait for it......

THE ZOO!!!! Yes I took them to the zoo all by myself! AND we took public transport!!!!
We had an awesome day, despite it being stinking hot, and there was trackwork, so it was close to a 2 hour trip each way. But the kids had a blast.....and more surprisingly so did I :-)

Due to all this fun & excitement, the house has slid to slum-like level.....and this is the main reason I was glad to see the end of school holidays....I know.....I can barely say it out loud....me....wanting....to....clean......

But I am also emotionally/mentally/physically exhausted....so I've got a plan....of sorts.....
Today's focus was to get the house to a level that I wouldn't die of embarrassment if someone popped over....so I dusted, vacced & mopped (first I had to find the floors though) and did a few room rescues, still need to put out a few fires and a room rescue or 2, but we are looking MUCH better.
Throughout the rest of the week I will focus a little more on the rooms that need them.

I also desperately need time-out. So I am making an effort to do my relaxation exercises a few times a day.....need some pampering too....will have to think more on that one. Oh and I watched the Young and the restless....beautiful mind numbing viewing ;-)

I've noticed I STILL haven't written about DS birthday and party :-( Bad Mummy!!!!! But with madness, illness, holidays and insanity....time has just ran away from me!
Maybe next time....best be off and do a bit more housework, and mindless tv viewing before pick up time