Going Public

I deserve a medal!

2008-06-23T18:57:00.002+10:00

I do.
And it shall say "Murphy fucked with me! But I WON!"

OK a bit extreme, but what a fucked up week.

Yes it is only Monday, but I'm counting the last 7 or so days....memory is a bit blurred, so not sure what happened when, but it WAS in the last week.....Things happen in three's right? I am posting this while pummeling myself against my wooden furniture, just so I don't jinx myself!

1.We FINALLY got some sunshine, so I decided to mow the lawns.
Bring out the whipper snipper, bring out my 'instructions" cos it's been a while...the mother fucker won't start!
My arms are weak and shaky, so I kick it! My elderly neighbour calls over the fence that she will excuse me if I swear 'because THOSE things are a SHIT to start!"
I can't laugh...I am too pissed off....my shoulder feels like it is dislocated....now I can't swear, because I don't like having permission to do so!
Then I notice the pump thingamajig is cracked, and is leaking petrol....DUH! (Just remember I have been pulling on this fucker on and off for over 2 hours....I hurt!)
But I get a glimmer of hope and pull out the yellow pages.
Ring the local mower repair dudes.."Is it just the pump thingamajig?"
ME: "I assume so...started fine last time"
Mower repair dude: "Easy...bring it in we'll fix it! $10"
ME: "You for real??? be there in 5!"
I shoulda fucking known better.
Long story short.. pump thingamajigs gone...inner tube thingamees gone...carburetor gone....will cost almost as much to fix it as it will to buy a new one..

Of course it will!
Bundled the pulled apart bits in a bag, tied it to the handle to offer the God...ahem...I mean AH.
My fix: poison all the edges! Borrow the neighbours whipper snipper for bits I can't poison!
DONE...fuck you! Murphy!!!!

2. My vacuum has had some issues of late, like smelling of fire, black puffs of dust/smoke/NFI coming out, not sucking etc. I tried to fix him. Thought it was the filter, cleaned both of them and put them back, changed bags, cleaned all the nozzles, fixed all the attachments etc etc.
Turned it on with hope of AT LEAST doing the floor rugs.....its not doing much at all...and the smell is BAD!!! Turn around and the mother fucker has smoke billowing out of it!!!!
So i throw it out the back door....and I SWORE LOUDLY...because nobody gave me permission to!
My fix: Pretty lame, I WILL miss the vacc...but we have NO carpet except two floor rugs, so I CAN sweep. I HATE sweeping...BUT I CAN! Or maybe it's time to teach the kids! I also have a Carpet sweeper which isn't too great but is better since I found the main problem...HAIR!!! LOTS OF HAIR!!! No pets! I shed hair like no one else...seriously...I am surprised I am not bald the SHIT gets EVERYWHERE! So regular defuzzing of Carpet Sweeper is also needed. Done! Not happy...but I will SURVIVE Murphy...YOU hear that?!?! MOther FUcker!

3.My fucking washing Machine bit the dust this morning! It too has been behaving badly of late...beeping at me constantly to manually fill it one day, then running perfectly the next. This morning though it did not sing it's familiar melody, it changed. Also the familiar lights were not flashing asking for cold water, or load readjustment....no blinking at all...just 4 random lights shining up at me, taunting me! Found the manual to decode it's foreign language...all it said was 'call a repairman'. Well I've tried that before and it didn't fix things...so I SWORE at it (again without permission) & kicked it several times.
My fix: Then I looked at renting one....$12 a week minimum for a 5.5kg used machine for 18 months!
So I went to see if I could get 'interest free' credit.
Got approved for $1000 which is about $20 a week.
And got myself a NEW & SHINY 8kg water efficient machine that I will OWN in 1 year. My last machine lasted me 10 years, so am hoping this will do the same...HAPPY! PLUS I will get $150 rebate WOOT! And I just LOVE me some new shiny white goods :D

But it is a bit sucky that I couldn't get finance for DD's op but I could for a washer! But I guess that is the way of the world huh! Maybe we need interest free finance on medical needs!!! Now there's an idea!

Ooh and on other news....
I did text the AH "you FORGOT to drop of DS footy boots" and left it that...heard nothing...surprise, surprise! Finally set the Wii up for the kids and he had also *FORGOTTEN* the Wii mote....so DS rang him to tell him & he dropped them both off Fri night.
I am not speaking to him! Not in a "Silent treatment" fashion or "playing games", just I can't be fucked wasting my breath, and playing games & waiting to see what mood he is in at any given time. He basically ignored me first time I saw him next after the outburst...which was fine by me. Second time he tried putting on the friendly, nice guy act....not buying it...'Hi, here you go, kids need/want/ have xyz, seeya!'

Pfft! I have a spy on my side. I KNOW what he does, what he says, and I know what I see, the 2 are astonishingly different....

He's trying to play, and I am, now, choosing not to :-)

K

And he's still barking!

2008-06-19T14:10:00.002+10:00

I did fuck up though.
I accidentally packed 1 of DD's shoes & 1 of DS's Oopsies!
The phone rang at 8am, I was still in bed so didn't answer it. If it was important, whoever it was would leave a message or call my mobile right? WRONG!

My mobile rings at about 11am, I saw it was the AH...
He's pissed!
Asked where I was this morning?
I lied and said I was out, I only did this because I realised it must have been him that called & because well, it none of his fucking business!

And then he starts on about the shoes, swearing, screaming and carrying on.
I apologised and said it was a mistake on my part.
But, as per usual, he only sees the world through his eyes. From his perfect self, who does no wrong, NEVER makes a mistake Oh No, not the Supreme Being that is the Arse Hat!

He was telling me how fucked up I am, that I need to get my shit together, how I am ALWAYS forgetting something YADA YADA YADA.

So I said "Excuse me, but I am not going to sit here and allow you to carry on, Goodbye!"
And hung up!
I don't think he heard me, but that's not my problem.

What he did, faced with a shoeless child, rather than phone & leave a message, or do something 'normal' like call my mobile, I live close to the school so it would have added another 5 minutes to his trip. Or even send her to school in her normal school shoes. No, he took her to the shops, bought her new shoes, took her to school late, got to work late...AND then rings me to hurl abuse. He's such a clever man!

He tried ringing me after I hung up, I ignored it, then sent him text, telling him to remember HE isn't perfect, HE forgets things & basically to get over himself, and direct his abuse elsewhere.

He has dropped the kids stuff off. He didn't knock & I didn't go out.

But guess what?
Somebody FORGOT to pack DS footy shoes.
Hmmm wonder who that could have been. Certainly NOT the perfect specimen of Human life.

I really want to ring him and hurl abuse about it. But that's not me.
Maybe I'll send a text.
Or maybe I should go buy new footy boots then ring him and blame him.
Yep...that makes much more sense!

K

Fuck him & the dog he rode in on!

2008-06-18T20:15:00.004+10:00

Yeah I know it's supposed to be horse, but dogs don't ride horses...they ride dogs!

Oh and if you haven't figured it out, this is going to be a rant! So feel free to leave at any time!

The fucking ARSEHAT is pissing me off soooo much ATM, he gets me so fucking angry I shake & just want to wring his fucking steroid enhanced fat fucker neck!

He has the kids tonight. We still exchange "stuff" because even though he has clothes there, we still need to exchange School clothing & the kids security stuff (blankies, teddies etc). On Wednesdays we don't bother with toys etc, leave that for the weekend, when we need to go to each others places anyway.

Anyhoo, I get a call at just after 6.30pm...
AH: "Hi, it's me, I need to drop down and get undies"
Me: "Oh, you don't have undies?"
AH: "No (insert smug tone) can I come down?"
Me: "Yeah of course, I'll give you a handful, I thought you had clothes and everything"
AH: "I do! but not undies!"
Me: "OK, see you soon, bye!"

I should have just said right there and then...."go buy them some fucking undies"...but I'm afraid I'm not quick on my feet like that.
Or I should have said "When will you be here?" because he has a tendency to NEVER fucking stick to a time....but I'm afraid...some lessons I am learning the slow way.....WAYYY tooo farking sloooowwwwww!

So I sit, and I wait, and I watch some TV, and have a drink, have a few ciggies...la dee dahhhh.
I remove evidence of what I was doing, nothing naughty or abnormal, just I prefer to keep my ME time to me IYKWIM. It is MY night off right???

Then it hits 7.45pm, and I'm kind of panicking, a lot annoyed, and very curious as to where he is.
And I need cig's.
He lives 10 mins away...15 max in peak hour....if you are popping in, would that not infer you are coming sooner rather than later? If you had planned on doing things PRIOR to popping over, wouldn't you give notice to the person...I dunno...like I'll be about an hour...or we have to eat dinner, have showers, THEN we will 'pop' over?? Heh, common courtesy is rare these days...maybe I am too optimistic! Especially seeing he is the most self righteous, egotistical, fucking soft cock that has ever adorned this planet earth!

So I ring both his mobiles...no answer! So I send him a text " I need to go to the shops, won't be long"

So I duck out, shops aren't far...my phone rings... I scramble and miss it, but see it was him, so I continue. Then I call both mobiles again...straight to voicemail....leave a msg...saying I missed your call but where are you and what is happening? He phones me and starts going OFF fucking this fucking that, what the fuck you going to the shops, fuck you, fuck this, fuck that.....I'm reeling...

Me: "Excuse me!...where are the kids while you are going off?"
AH:"Oh...in the next aisle" bullshit!
Me: "You rang OVER an hour ago saying you would 'pop' in"
AH: "WE HAD TO FUCKING EAT DINNER AND.." (yes, he was screaming at me)
Me: "Yeah ease up! You could have had the courtesy of telling me, I had to go to the shop, you hadn't shown up, so I had the courtesy of sending you a text, to let you know I wouldn't be far in case you decided to show up!" Fucking ARSEHAT!
AH: "Fuck, well we're at the fucking supermarket now, and I have to fucking buy them fucking undies"
Me: "Good for you" Fuck off cock sucker!
AH: "They'll call you when we get home, and we have to discuss E's lunch!"

Yeah well I just hung up then & screamed at the phone!
Then came on here!
Then the kids rang to say goodnight.
Then AH got on the phone to 'discuss' E's lunch, nice as pie of course...possibly because YET AGAIN he is swapping our days, times..to suit him!
(Yet he is telling OTHERS the opposite...but as usual I'll leave that for another post....possibly titled Stalker #2 = Double Agent)

OK I have cooled off a tad now, but now he has ruined my night, I was gung-ho into my Feng Shui stuff when he first called, then packed it away (that's my little obsession ATM).... I know I shouldn't and I guess more time will change that side of things....but I'm really pissed! If I ran out of undies....would I call him???? I don't call him for shit! Yet he deems it fine to call me for anything....maybe I need to tell him that...again! I get 2 nights off a week....he gets 5! I don't call him, if he has a problem DEAL WITH IT!

Oh and a small disclaimer: my keyboard is fucking up majorly...I thought I was typing bad the past week or so, but realised my keyboard is the issue, so if there are really bad grammar errors I apologise (knowing full well I have grammar trouble at the best of times)

I'm off to pull out my feng shui again.
K

Update on DD and the op.

2008-06-18T17:05:00.002+10:00

Thanks for all the replies :-)
Kelli ~ I checked with the tax office and it worked out to be a couple of hundred, not enough to REALLY make a difference. But IF we do end up paying for private, I will still claim it, of course.
Bettina ~ What is this family allowance advance you speak of????

I am in a bit of debt at the moment, nothing outlandish, but enough to make saving hard without skimping on the payments there IYKWIM, so I decided to ask for the extra credit and let the gods decide.....I was declined...so option 3 is out. (I wasn't surprised, but thought it was worth a go).

What I am going to do is get her on the Public Waiting List. A lovely girl I met thru Plurk has given me an ENT, whom she highly recommends, so I will call tomorrow and try and get an appointment.

I did mean to do it today, but I've been raging a battle against my whipper snipper, and well time got away from me. (And the fucking whipper snipper won!!! If you can call it a win when it is dead and in pieces!!! HA!!! TAKE THAT!!!)

Where was I?
Um OK...so next..

I will save what I can, whilst still paying off Mary, Bob & Jane, inform the AH what his half is and hope he does the same, and hopefully be able to get her the op sooner rather than later.

(and secretly pray the AH gets his bonus next quarter and offers to pay the lot, lol)

Of course, as Murphy is prone to do, she came in last night to my bed complaining of a sore ear, and her op was due today! So me thinks we may be back on the Merry-go-round sooner rather than later. (But I knew that didn't I)

Thanks again!
Let the savings begin! Just not this fortnight as I have to give a deposit to OOSH, and I don't want the gas disconnected either!

K

Bits & Bobs

2008-06-17T11:48:00.005+10:00

Just a bit of a catchup today....

I cancelled DD's operation for tomorrow.

Shed a few tears....I wish money wasn't an issue.

I found out that we aren't covered for it by the Health Insurance Co, and I just don't have $1500 lying around at the moment. And that is just the hospital. Medicare will cover about $250 which doesn't even put a dent in it (I'll leave my rant about Scheduled Fees another time!).

Now I know I was ranting and raving about the AH and his issues with paying for the op, but that was when we only thought we had a gap/excess to pay, so I'm not being hypocritical (in my mind any way....if you disagree...shutup! cos I'm a hormonal bitch at the moment!). So now I am trying to weigh up what my options are. I am waiting on a quote from the surgeon, and I am trying HARD not to stress about it until I receive that.

Options for now...

Go see a different ENT that services the Public Hospital...the wait will be up to 8 months, only cost will be ENT's fee (about $180).
Wait until the money is saved to pay up front....I'm thinking about a 3 month wait, maybe less if the AH cooperates.
Try and get a higher credit limit & pay for it that way....this balances on whether I'd even be approved & hoping I get some back from the AH...this would mean the op could go ahead probably within a month.
Wait the 6 months until we are covered. I will have to check this though as it is classed as pre-existing, so the wait may be longer.

Now the only trouble with 1,2 & 4 is that we are heading into "sick season"....well we are in it already...and whilst DD hasn't been sick for about 3 weeks now, she is getting a cold, and going on past history this means she will be back on the Merry-go-round in no time. Which means time off school, truckloads of anti-biotics & well...she'll be sick, sick isn't nice. Also, because of her ears she has a hearing problem, she is not deaf, but she has to make a real effort to hear, especially in class, she misses things in general, and comes home tired and cranky.

It is hard to not get annoyed at her, but I know there is an underlying reason, so I try my best to be understanding...but MAN she can push my buttons. And then of course DS is going through a turd phase, so I get the guilts when I pull him up on things but not her. Plus I'm sure he notices, and possibly she does too, and there is no balance and very little peace! And then my brain feels like exploding! So her being NQR effects us all in some way, shape or form...there is more, but I'm sure you get the picture.

Gah! This post was going to be a catch up on a few things, but it seems I had more to say on this matter than I thought....I still haven't had my rant about AH re the above & some other matters, the Stalker#2, my mum, my dad and other stuff....Oh well, will leave them for another post, your eyes are probably bleeding after reading this much.

But I'll leave you with a question....

What would you do out of my options above??

Or can you think of another option that I haven't?

**Edited to add: How's this for timing, the ENT surgeon just rang to tell me his costs. He's just lovely, another reason I don't want to go Public (The public ENT was an arse hat!), he alo told me to check out the ATO website as I may be able to claim on tax, as well as medicare, looks like the housework will have to wait, I have more research to do!

Holy Cow Batman!

2008-06-13T22:04:00.002+10:00

I got a job!

A get up at a god awful time, shower & dress in something decent, brush my hair, use concealer & mascara, get kids organised & to school on time or earlier, go somewhere else & get paid JOB!!!

FUCK!!!!

What is the world coming to!!!

And to top it off it starts off as full-time! Talk about throwing ones self in the deep end!

Let's hope I don't drown!

FUCK!

A job!

I get paid to sit on my arse & answer phone calls & speak to people.

Have I mentioned my phone phobia?

FUCK!

I need to get the kids up & at school an hour earlier! I need to also be respectable for public viewing at the same time!

Have I mentioned I'm not a morning person?

FUCK!

Am I ready for this?
I'm not sure.

Are the kids going to fight me at every turn?
Probably.

Is the AH going to come to the party and step up to his responsibilities?
Probably not.

Am I going to drown in chaos?
Almost definitely...at least in the beginning...

So now starts a new chapter in my life.
It's been a long time coming.

I think it is either going to break me, or make me!
I sincerely hope it's the latter.

A job....in the real world!

FUCK!

K

DD's Op!?!?!?!

2008-06-11T18:29:00.002+10:00

I finally had the chance to make the calls regarding the cost of DD's op.... news aint so great! The AH only updated the Health Insurance to cover Hospital as well in January, and because she has had grommets before, it looks like it is classed as pre-existing.

Maybe this was his concern at the start? Although why he didn't inform me of this I have No Fucking Clue!

By the time I had rung the Hospital a zillion times, the specialist, our GP AND the Health Fund....I got as far as it all not looking great! But I still have to ring the hospital & the specialist again...but after being out most of the day, I ran out of time, and they had all gone home. So I will try again in the morning. Cos I STILL DON'T KNOW HOW MUCH? They are very tight-lipped about cost when you say you are in a fund....and kind of send you on a trip on the merry-go-round....just to say "the gap is $xxxx" or "we are accredited with your fund so you pay nothing or a very minimal cost"....whilst on their admission forms it says you MUST pay up front and on admission.....I don't know what is going on in the health industry....but it's all a lot of nonsensical crud if you ask me, and they must all think we have VERY deep pockets to not need to know what we are up for!

Also I have *issues* with it being pre-existing.....her previous op fixed the problem! It was only when the grommets fell out she had problems again, and the adenoids are something new altogether....has never come up before. But I am guessing that it all falls too close to the 'line' and the insurance company would win!

Also they asked on the form for my Health Care Card/Pension number....so maybe I'll get a discount...but that, I think, may be extreme wishful thinking...

I guess it will all work out! At worst I will have to beg, borrow & steal..... but my lass will hear again sooner rather than later!

K

Catch-up! (and vent...oop where did that come from)

2008-06-09T12:15:00.005+10:00

Had a busy week last week, with the course from hell, Dr's visits, and a job interview!

Yeah! Finally! Not entirely rapt with the job, and the more time that passes the worse I think the interview went, but it was an interview, so I'm happy with that. I didn't vomit, hyperventilate, swear, or say anything too stupid....so a Success! No matter what the outcome is! There have been a few jobs I've applied for lately that just seem ideal....so fingers crossed....speaking of fingers...I need to pull mine out and finish an application I'm half way through.....it's one of those tedious long and detailed pieces of shit that drive me up the wall!!!! But the job would be ideal!

I had my scan & follow up with my GP...not much to tell really....nothing is REALLY wrong...but nothing is really right either... My Gall Bladder is clear, apart from a small growth, which apparently I shouldn't worry about, and apparently shouldn't be causing my pain. There is a cyst on my kidney, which apparently is nothing to worry about, and apparently shouldn't be causing my pain either. My cholesterol is a bit off but again is apparently....well see above. My white cell count is a bit off....see above again. Some other levels are a bit off....again see above. So what is the outcome?
Keep taking the pills to help with stomach acid.
Stop drinking.
Eat healthier.
Exercise more.
Try and quit the fags.
Drink more water, less coffee.
Go back in 8 weeks and test again.
If pain continues go back sooner.
*Sigh* I feel like I've got fucking no where! So what did I do after my non-diagnosis?
I hit the town with an internet buddy that was visiting from another state and had a night of drunken debauchery, kissed a stranger, crawled in my door at 5am and slept till 2pm. It's not ALL bad.... I danced my arse off so that counts as exercise right??
Since then my self sabotage has kicked in full force....and I've been living on chocolate & lollies & softdrink.....which is just not like me....someone up there in my screwed up head is hitting the rebel button....you'd think at my age I'd be over that....but obviously not!

Onto other things...We finally had our appointment with the ENT for DD, and he's booked her in for grommets & a possible adnoidectomy. I didn't go the surgeon who did it last time....I took her to the Private Hospital. The ENT was gorgeous, and knew all about ED as his best mate in school had it....that was a nice surprise....mention ED and you normally get a blank look lol. But here's the shocker...she is booked in for the 18th of THIS MONTH! Fucking nearly fell off my chair!! It took over 6 months for the last op!
The ArseHat isn't happy though...of course, why would he be! When I told him, his only comment was that he couldn't afford it & that now she couldn't do swimming!!!
Fucktard!!!
The SAME man who has been quite vocal that "MONEY IS NO ISSUE WHEN IT COMES TO MY KIDS HEALTH!"
The same bloke who is back to his old drinking ways....What? $30+ a day.
The same bloke who is going Clubbing every weekend, so can't have the kids extra nights.
The same bloke who is back on drugs as well.
And the swimming comment?!?!?! WTF!!! Options...1: DD gets to go to swimming lessons once a week, she knows how to swim, it was just recreational. 2: DD stops having painful ear infections, fevers, further nose/throat problems as a result or ear issues, can ACTUALLY HEAR and participate in class properly AND learn, and stop missing school and life around her....hmmmm....You know he's right......very difficult choice....Moron!
I still have to chase up the exact cost, but it will get worked out somehow.
He fucking RILES me up! The amount of money he spent on fucking Hookers, the money he spends on the kids(bought them a Wii just for the hell of it), and everything mentioned above...How Fucking DARE he even THINK that he can't afford his half.....LET ALONE FUCKING SAY it out loud!

OK I weren't going to to do a psycho post....but well, it's out now....going to go SCREAM into my pillow or something now!
K

AH is a soft-cock! (And my tourettes finally came out)

2008-06-05T22:42:00.005+10:00

I don't know if you recall, when I found out the AH had been visiting some fine establishments in the neighbourhood, and due to previous threats, I felt the need to keep my information to myself, for my own safety, until I had a plan....a plan to kick his arse to the curb...girlfriend! Oops sorry couldn't help myself on that last bit...and sorry for the wayyyy too long sentence.
Anyways if your memory is short....and I'm not judging all you 3 or 4 readers...as mine is abysmal...not even sure who i was just on the phone to....I digress... HERE is my post from wayyy back then ;-p

Well I had trouble....Homer Simpson trouble...I was never quite sure if I'd actually said "HOOKER" out loud....cos it was running thru my mind like a fucking tornado 24hours a day! But I had to keep things to myself.....NOT EASY!

But as I say... "It'll all come out in the wash"

And it did just recently.

The AH was here when he was in his uber-friendly-just-found-myself-a-bach-pad stage.
Couldn't have been more lovely, when our GP came up in conversation. (Who I'll just call 'Dr' here)
AH: "Go see Dr on Monday....he's an arsehole though"
Me: "I will, why is he an arsehole"
AH: "I got this rash....down there....so I went to see him...shaved my pubes and all"
Me: *starts giggling uncontrollably* "Why is he an arsehole?"
AH: "He lectured me about drinking....blah blah blah"
ME: *near fitting with laughter* "Ohhh I can't say it, I can't say it, I can't say it, I can't say it.."
AH *looks at me quizzically* "say what?"
Me: "...I can't say it....I can't say it....FUCK IT...yes I can......HOOKER!" *start roaring in laughter*
AH *trying to hide his annoyance* "I don't do that anymore...."
Me: " I don't care anymore" *Roaring in laughter still*

AH leaves!
LOL
Maybe his dick will fall off! But in the meantime it was nice to finally let it out!
K

Another quote....

2008-06-05T21:20:00.003+10:00

...but from someone less famous...my dear old 7yo! and 6yo!

J: "Oh My God! I just had a heart attack!"
Me: "What? Why?"
J: "When we die, we don't come back!"

Then Forever optimistic DD pipes in...

E: "Oh of course we do, we have 10 lives!"

We then went on to discuss death. J has a fear of death, and it comes up often. E was working out how old God was....but was mixed up with Jesus....I think....I don't do religion, but I'm pretty sure Jesus would be 2008 years old...and god was never born, so has no age. J then piped up that he wished we could all live for 2000 years. I said it'd be pretty awful, as we'd all have no teeth, so couldn't eat chocolate & ice cream...and our bones & muscles would be mush so we couldn't do anything, and we'd have to wear nappies, and how enjoyable would life be like that?
E got it. J tried to devise ways to survive until 3000 years old.
We would all have our own personal nurses who would change our butts, feed us chocolate, and push us around in wheel chairs....
Worked for him!
Now he just has to convince the next 70 billion people born to train as a nurse so they can wipe their great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great grandaddies arse, and feed him molten chocolate thru a drip!

K

Quote of the week!

2008-06-04T17:36:00.002+10:00

D "Hope springs a kernel"
A "No, I think it's 'hope springs eternal'"
D "No. Hope springs a kernel. Old farmer saying."

I love my Boston Legal!
K

Psychology 101

2008-06-03T16:45:00.003+10:00

Today at "the course" we had a Psychologist visit and do a session with a group of us women on Self-esteem. Well I think that is what it was about. I pitied the psych....none of us wanted to be there, she was fresh outta uni, had a blessed up-bringing, and was faced with us.
Women who couldn't understand or speak English very well, us older birds who didn't care to divulge all our secrets, older women that seemed past it all, and the young Chickie's who "knew better".
She didn't have a hope.
She was nice enough though. But it always makes me laugh that these 'experts' of the mind quite often have no 'real' experience to back them up. One of the younger girls did not shut up for the whole session, and kept bursting into tears, and telling us all (strangers) the hardships of her life.
The psych kept placating her with textbook words, but she was obviously quite taken aback. A few times us 'older' ones, and I use that term loosely, meaning myself (29 again) and others older than I, had to explain to the psych what some terms meant....like disintegrate...WTF! I didn't need to do Uni to learn that one!
We did lots of written exercises, all of which I have done before.
Watched a video about depression, made by one of the anti-depressant drug companies. Fuck THAT made me laugh...."oooh you've got depression, take this pill and you'll be right as rain"...... The psych didn't get the joke!
In the midst of it all, we were instructed to write our names on an envelope, and then we all wrote a positive comment about each person and placed it in their envelope. Now given, most of us had never met before, and most did not speak throughout the session, this wasn't going to be easy. I had 'seen' a couple of them before. I had spoken to 3 of them before. I had spoken to only one of them to a point, that I felt I kinda knew her. And that was the one that kept breaking down crying.....which I had not seen in her before at ALL! Plus the 'psych' made a comment too.
BUT it IS nice to hear nice things about yourself.
And it is interesting to see what people think of you, having barely met you.
And it is FUCKING HILARIOUS too!
I tried to distinguish who's writing was who's quickly at the end, but as everyone was leaving, and a lot was going on it was a bit difficult....

So here are my 'compliments' from today....and my comments in brackets...
*You have a charming way about yourself. (Why thank you....I think this was from one I was sitting next to that I'd met before)
*Very warm & Friendly (thanks again....bit NFI who this was....could have been the woman next to me as well)
*You are soooooo beautiful and beautiful (ummmm yeah...NFI...but HOPE it wasn't the woman next to me)
*Smiling face, happy mother (better than crouching tiger, hidden dragon I assume)
*-Well balanced (I laughed out loud at this one and commented they obviously don't know me....then discovered it was from the Psych...oops....but point proven!)
-Thoughtful & reflective (maybe pensive & do not bare my soul to these people....with a touch of you HAVE NO IDEA!)
-Honest
*has a beautiful smile! (Uuum thanks....NFI again, and still hoping it wasn't the woman sitting next to me, and are we in lesbo support group or twat?)
*Friendly nice (I know...I know...stop it would yas!)
*You have beautiful skin (NFI but it was either someone NOT wearing their glasses, OR someone who could only write that sentence in English, as I think everyone got that one!)
*Quite (hmmmmm that's the only thing positive she could think of....unless she meant quiet....but either way....strange....quite what?)
*I love to have conversations with you & I think your a hot soccer mum :) (This was from the young crying chick....sweet...she really is lovely...naive & young & outspoken...but lovely....so this was my favourite! She has an interview tomorrow & I wish her ALL the best)

Okies off to poison my kids with fried rice....we're on a tight budget peoples....and they aint happy....I figure if I add as little flavour as possible they will eat it, and I will get by.
Have my Ultrasound tomorrow to see if it's gallstones...not convinced...although similar, not everything fits.

Until next time!
K

Somethin' stinks out there!!!

2008-06-02T21:50:00.003+10:00

Ohhh mah lordy!!!
I just walked past my daughters room, and thanked the heavens I'd already done my nightly "thank gawd they're asleep, kiss & lights out" routine, cos holy heck the stench pouring out of that room is enough to singe the hairs between your cheeks!
My wee little 6 year old angelic girl farts like a fucking elephant that has been force fed chilli's and beans for a month! And she doesn't eat either!

On other news...the stalker was back last night....just as I was drifting off into lala land....I fucking hate that! I texted back in my haze twice....then woke up enough to realise what was going on & ignored the continuing texts & 1 phone call....that continued past midnight! Sheesh! Someone forgot to post the bulletin that "Ima single mum wiff tooo kids!" and once I have my pills I don't last for more than an hour....tops!

Finally went back to the dr today...he took blood *ick*...gave me some more pills...and sent me for an ultrasound....could be gallbladder....could be pleurisy...could be supercalafragalisticexpialidotius....sigh....will keep on keeping on.....and hope some energy returns!

Tomorrow is officially my last day of the 3 week course from hell....but unofficially I have 3 days to make up....and then officially I have to continue on twice a week until someone decides they are worthy enough of having me grace their premises each day to drink coffee & surf the internet....oh and pay me handsomely just for the privilege...HA!

I pissed AH off tonight, and his plans got ruined....not my fault, but I didn't cop any abuse either, so no news there either....yes....getting VERY worried.

Think my life is getting too boring!

Kids have been thrown into turmoil again, by the AH finding his very own bach pad, feels like we're breaking up all over again....rough times....but I'm sure we'll be OK....am enjoying the extra cuddles....even if I do get screamed at for an hour before hand....

Well that'll do me for now.....off to curl up on the lounge and listen to the rain for a bit before I head off to bed....oh and drink a gallon of water.....kind of did a bit of overkill on the chocolate & ice cream tonight...oops! Can anyone say gallstones? I don't seem to have issues at night though....knock on wood ;-p Oh and still can't get over my weight loss....2 belt holes in a month!!! Crazy I tells ya! Sure it won't last with my recent sweet tooth though lol.

K

Kid free night's ramblings.......

2008-05-30T17:35:00.003+10:00

Well another week over!
My mood of late has been a bit crazy....I'm really considering cutting back on my meds, but due to bad experiences, and bad judgement in the past I am hesitant.....I will speak to someone first, but it is playing on my mind.
I'm having crazy lows......BAD lows....not just being apathetic and hiding on the puter or curling up on the lounge.
I'm having crazy highs....like today I got all OCD on the loungeroom...then when it was sparkling I couldn't stop looking at the damn bookcase, and how it needs moving, the books need rearranging, the books need cleaning....alarm bells ringing...who? exactly *cleans* their books.... my dishes need doing but instead I scrubbed spots off the floor that are probably invisible to the naked eye.....
And my "inbetweens" aren't so great! They're my anxious times. My body isn't playing nice ATM. I'm having really bad muscle & joint aches, which sometimes have me in tears, and sometimes just leave me pondering that something is just NQR. My stomach is still wreaking it's own havoc, I find it hard to eat anything more than a piece of toast, without struggling to keep it down...drinking isn't a problem...but again if I go over a certain amount, it threatens to repeat itself.....and again pains that take my breath away. Not to mention the 'arthritis' in my knee which at the mo is waking me up every night!!! That IS PAIN people...luckily childbirth has taught me to breath through it and it only lasts a few minutes at a time.

Moving on...I am still at the "farking course from HELL "......I can bag it till the cows come home...only because my house suffers, and I could do so much more at home. But mostly the folks there are great, really, they are! And one positive I haven't mentioned I don't think, is that something FORCING me out of the house everyday is brilliant. As much as I say I WAS agoraphobic...I still am....I still struggle to leave the house most days...I still dread the drive to the 'course', I still dread walking in, finding something to say, being amongst people. But once I'm there I tend to speak freely, make acquaintances, apply for jobs, and mostly GAIN CONFIDENCE THAT I CAN SURVIVE IN REALITY! I have been petrified of getting an interview, to the point that I was WAY too picky over jobs I was applying for. Now I am applying for anything, and thinking that an interview....any interview...would be great experience if nothing else. I have expressed my anxiety to a couple of people & they have been sooo supportive, a few even gave their own stories of debilitating anxiety. I am sure I may continue to bag it, seeing I just discovered once my *3 weeks* are up, I still need to go in twice a week, and it REALLY can be frustrating/boring/mind-numbing etc etc....but if all else fails I'll start a tafe course LOL!

Other matters....let's see.....
AH still being *nice*. He was a bit short with me today, but still has me concerned.
The bloke I knew through AH has been stalking me again. I told him we couldn't have anymore contact as long as it was kept a 'secret'.......all had to be laid out or STOP CALLING ME! But he keeps texting & phoning....I ignore both, hoping he will soon get the message! But it stops for a week or so then I get bombarded with "R U there" "R U OK" "Can I call" and my favourite "R U on" ....lol on what? He's drug-fucked...so what can I say.
Oh speaking of drug fucked...there is this guy at a local shop who I thought was quite cute, he was nice and all, but our conversations rarely went past Hi, how you going? kinda stuff...and he was ALWAYS in a rush.... Today I had reason to go into deeper discussion & well, I think he is speeding or coked out of his brain LOL...I have such great taste!
Think I'd better stick to the *single* gig just a tad longer....like a decade or so!

OK I think I can safely open my bottle of red now....was a bit too eager before, at 5.30pm....need to call the kids soon so think I'm safe...off to set up the Wii and have a partay ;-p

K

More useless dribble...

2008-05-27T20:17:00.003+10:00

I've been sick...yes, again....I would normally say I NEVER get sick, but the last few months have proven me wrong, so I won't even go there.
I've had so much time away from the puter it's not funny, well not for an addict like me, I have about 60 blogs to catch up on, no time for my regular groups ~~therapy.~~ No Puter is a sign I was really sick, and still am, fuck knows whats wrong really but I look like death, so everyone's telling me, and I just can't get back to right. I do feel better though, so I'll stop the whine.
The kids were sick too.
I have missed 3 days of the training from hell, due to either mine or the kids illness, which would be FINE if it was the job from hell....but NOOOO I have to do the time no matter what! So the 3 weeks is now drawn out to 3 fucking weeks, 3 fucked up days....give me strength!
DR told me to have today off today, but I stomached food, so went in, and they MADE me do a FUCKING MOCK interview....IN! FRONT! OF! EVERYONE!....Shit like that makes me want to vomit & run at the best of times...but seeing my stomach is shredded & enjoys vomiting any which way it likes at the moment I WAS NOT HAPPY!
I got through it, and they were very kind.....me practically begging not to have to do it must have won me some sympathy votes...ARSEHOLES!

Other than that I've been an awesome mum!
Sunday I didn't leave the lounge (except to vomit & pee) but I still managed to teach my son how to defrost bread in the microwave & make a sandwich. Taught my daughter how to pour a drink. They managed to scale the neighbours fence without me to lift them. Taught my son how to run a shower for himself & his sister without burning either one of them! See I rock! Teaching them valuable life skills!

I did make the error of calling the AH when I was vomiting blood...my intention was for him to stay with the kids whilst I got myself to a dr....well best intentions and all that!
He's being TOO nice at the moment, and it has me concerned!

But on a good note, He finally picked up all his SHIT on Monday....and today...and well there's a couple of things here still....but most of it's gone.. ~~who am I kidding...I don't think it will ever be gone~~ ...yeah 'just' the BBQ still...hmmmm....

Oh and I am sooo going for Mother Of The Year tonight! I spent 5 hours out at "work" (wink, wink), cooked a roast, FINISHED the dishes, did all homework, tidied the house, am cooking up some home-made chicken stock, supervised the neighbours kid.....AND did a science experiment with the kids!

Need to remember that when I have my normal nights lol!

Oh and did I mention I still hate the pill!!! It's fucking bloodweek AGAIN....ALREADY!!!! The neverending period finished about 2 weeks ago....FOR CRYING OUT LOUD WHAT IS THIS SUPPOSED TO BE FIXING? My skin is worse than ever as well!
OK it's probably not the pills fault this time, and more due to the fact my body has been choosing not to absorb anything recently....but FUCK!

Oh but I HAVEN'T gained weight! In fact, in the first time in 7 years? No...maybe 4?? I dunno...AGES... the scales have tipped UNDER 60kgs!! I would love to celebrate this but again it's not due to the pill or anything I have voluntarily done. And I feel like SHIT, so it kinda takes the shine off IYKWIM. Plus, lets be truthful....give me my old stomach back....and my old appetite, and it won't last long....

OK think the drugs are kicking in, best go check on kids & hit the hay myself *YAWN*
Enough spasticity (yes that is now a word!) from me for one night...or is it a week?

Later
K

I've been a bad blogger...

2008-05-16T13:45:00.002+10:00

Again....

Oopsy!

Nothing much to write about.
Kids are doing well, but aren't really giving me anything blogworthy.
AH the same.

As I am yet to find work, Centrelink have put me in this 'program', and I use that term very loosely...so I am there every day from 9am to 1pm for 3 weeks. Mah Holeee Farking Hell! I'd rather watch paint dry, or chew on glass or something. A group of us sit in a room, where you are not allowed to bring food or drink, and look through papers, and search the internet for work. We can use their computers and their phone, fax, copier etc etc.
Problem is, I do all this at home, and my computer isn't from the fucking dark ages, so it doesn't take me an hour to send one fucking application! And you have to share the computers....so you sit there chatting cos you have read the *1* paper in the first 10 minutes, but it isn't your turn on the fucking dinosaur of a computer!
And then you contemplate stabbing yourself in the eye with a pen.
Then you are distracted by the morons there, who openly have NO INTENTION of finding a job. EVAH! making fart noises....and doing 'druggo' jokes and I feel like I am back in Year 8 rollcall.
Then I wonder if papercuts are enough to allow me to bleed to death....or at the very least have an ambulance called so I can get the FUCK outta there!
Then they tell us we have a 10minute break....which is only enough time to repark my car, so I don't have to pay $6 a day for the sheer joy of my eyes and ears bleeding..... and get a ciggie in.
So I break their "no food & drink" rule and take my coffee back into the room.
What are they gonna do......all the staff there look like they are just out of daycare!
I'm SUCH a REBEL!

So exciting stuff huh....3 days down....12 to go...*SIGH*

On a happier note!
It is 6 months since I kicked the AH to the curb...WOOHOO!
I don't think I am going to be able to afford that trip to Phuket for the 12month anniversary...but hey you never know....could find myself a sugar daddy ;-)

And I have a friend coming to visit for the weekend...so I plan on leading her astray and being the BAD influence that I am BWAHAHA!!! Well after the kids are in bed!
And after I drop them at their dad's tomorrow night...have to work with what I've got people!

And I waffle on as usual...and change the subject 50 times...but that is what I do best :-)
Happy Weekend Everyone!
K

Happy Mothers Day...Pfft!

2008-05-11T13:29:00.003+10:00

Next year I am going to waive my *right* to have my children on Mothers Day.
Next Year I am going to do whatever *I* want.

It all started at midnight, I was all warm and cozy in bed, drifting off to pleasant dreams. In that twilight zone, where you can still hear things around you but really don't give 2 shits what they are....unless you have to.

So I hear the pitter-patter of (not so)tiny feet.
must be J off to the loo I sleepily surmise.
I hear a bit of a thud
I'm sure I left a light on, he's just half asleep....
Then I hear the tinkling of him doing his business
Ahhh he found the loo....
Then the tinkling gets louder
Surely I can't hear all that from the loo....
Then I realise the tinkling isn't hitting water....it sounds like it's very close, and against a hard surface.
WTF!
I sit bolt upright, and listen some more.
There is NO WAY that is coming from the toilet....What is going on?
I stagger out of bed, and pull open my door, and step out into the fully-lit hallway, squinting against the brightness....
AND FIND MY SON STANDING AT THE OTHER END OF THE HALLWAY PISSING ON THE FUCKING FLOOR!!!!!

After picking my jaw up off the floor, I ask him what he is doing?
He glances up at me and says "What are YOU doing?"
All the while he IS STILL PISSING ALL OVER THE FLOOR. But I've distracted him so now he is pissing up the FUCKING WALLS AS WELL!!!

I ask him several more times...."J!!! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?"

Eventually I get a response.
The cackling laugh of a fucking psychotic Hyena!!! And he DOESN'T STOP. HE doesn't stop laughing AND he doesn't stop pissing all over the fucking place!

Eventually, after what felt like a fucking hour, he stops, shakes & pulls his pants up.

Then he looks at me and says "What am I doing?"
Fucked if I know!
Like Father Like Fucking Son is all I know!

Then I had to send him to get the mop in his dazed state. I was stranded on one side of the hallway....the only way I could get to the laundry, kitchen, living areas of the house was to walk through a fucking river of urine, and well....FUCK THAT! He may be my son, but FUCK THAT!

Finally I mopped the mess up and sent him off to bed. And MADE him say Happy Mothers Day before doing so, and warning him that he now had a LOT to make up for!

I get up this morning to crappy presents.
The AH gave the kids $10 each to spend at the Mothers Day stall at school.
J spent $3 and pocketed the change.
E spent more and gave her change to J.

There were 2 chocolates in one of the gifts, yep 2 generic pink foil heart shaped chocolates.
But I've been HOUNDED all morning for them.
They want to eat them, Why do *I* get to eat them.
COS IT'S MOTHERS DAY, NOT FUCKING KIDS DAY.

They've been hounding me all fucking day!
I'm hungry.
I want chocolate.
I want biscuits.
Make me lunch.
Make me a drink.
Lets go out somewhere special.
Okay, says I, we will go somewhere.
I wanna go to the movies.
I wanna go bowling.
Well I don't.
WAHHH not fair...yadayadayada!

SILENCE!

So now I think we'll just stay home all day so they can suffer!
And they WILL be cleaning their bedrooms at the very least.
Ungrateful little turds!
E has just stormed off and slammed her door cos apparently I suck! She still wants my fucking chocolate!

Next year I'm having Mothers Day off!
As it should be.

I hope all the other mums out there are having a fabulous day & are getting spoilt rotten!

K

**Edited to add this beautiful letter from DD**

It says " I am out sid beacase I can not do enifing fun. J has had fun why kunt I do enifing fun. Sorry. Me"

Now I am planning on sending her a letter back, asking why can't I do anything fun? It's Mothers Day! GET OVER IT QUICKLY!

But first I have to stop laughing & refrain myself from using HER spelling of *can't* ROFLMAO!!!!

Oh and for those without kiddies it says in laymens terms: "I am outside, because I can not do anything fun. J has had fun why can't I do anything fun. Sorry Me."

Smiley Saturday!

2008-05-10T17:25:00.006+10:00

I am breaking my virginity....yeah stop laughing! (If that were true it would be Screaming Saturday)

I have never participated before.

It is the brainchild of Lightening, who is a fantastic gal, and I need a smile :-)

Please don't slap me if I do this wrong.

A few things have made me smile this week. The first is my birthday present off my mum and step-dad....I asked and I received.... and I actually got it a couple of weeks ago in Canberra, but it still makes me smile on a daily basis :-)

Isn't it pretty! And YES IT IS PURPLE! The AH ran over my last purple bag....so I am so chuffed to have this one :-)

The 2nd one was my first viewing of Yo-Gabba-Gabba!
OMG I nearly peed myself...the kids were laughing just as much!

I cannot find the episode we watched. So I'll give you all I could find!

Who needs drugs...these guys are OFF the planet!

And last but not least, was yet another show the kids introduced me to.
Shaun the Sheep! Again, I can't find the episode we watched so I'll leave you with what I could find.
The AH will be getting rid of the foxtel here shortly....I will miss it just for these 2 shows!
Shape up with Shaun

Just be aware...It will take 7 minutes off your life ;-)

Keep Smiling :-D

K

I hate rollercoasters!

2008-05-09T18:27:00.003+10:00

The last few weeks I've been all over the place, and I can't seem to put my finger on WHY.
I've had the lowest of lows.
With anxiety, I have been unable to sit still in the house, pacing the rooms but doing nothing, except check my pulse, try and breath normally, and look in the mirror. Yes. I am a freak. What is your name?
I have been literally forcing myself out the door, but nothing is pleasurable, once again it is all about whether people notice I'm losing the plot. When I shake so much that I can't stand. Too much to even sit. People MUST notice surely....and then the cycle begins....and I just get worse & worse.
And then....as it always does....EVENTUALLY...I'm OK! I'm not great, but I'm OK.
Then the exhaustion hits. Usually with depression right on it's tail.
With Depression.....well I don't know WHY this is getting so bad. I am so used to it now. I get suicidal and I know it will pass, so I just try and sleep, or huddle myself up safe in a corner with the mantra "This too shall pass". I feel the tears welling up over anything and everything, ready to break the floodgate....and I just cannot stop it....and I don't know why. I just want it to stop. Again I keep on with my mantra....and it Does pass....but at the moment it is coming back all too frequently for my liking. Disagreements with the AH that just do my head in....and I feel like he still has control over me.
Then there's my "crazies", when I feel like I am one small step from being tipped right over the edge. One small step till I actually DO run down the street naked, screaming profanities at the neighbours & they DO call the men in white coats to come and take me away forever! When I get so overcome at the supermarket, that the elevator music they play is deafening, and everyone is looking at me, and the lights really hurt my eyes and I want to be ANYWHERE BUT in my own body.
Yeah Welcome to ME!
But I've had some really good times too.
Moshing out with the kids to MB20.
Having coffee with them & just laughing, and enjoying their silliness.
Gorgeous Hugs & Kisses that just melt my heart.
Feeling as though I am finally getting on with life after THE AH.
Chatting to people....maybe even forming friendships.
Weeding the garden at dusk.
Getting along with AH.

I just want some Normalness, and if that isn't a word, well it is now!
I'm sick of not knowing how I'm gonna wake up. And sick of not knowing how I am going to be in an hour, 10 minutes, 5 minutes, fuck even 1 minute!

I'm sick of the fucking roller coaster!
And I wanna get off!
I can do all of the above, if I'm only hit with one at a time. I can do the "crazies". I can do the depression. I can do the anxiety. And I can definitely do the highs. I just cannot do the four seasons in one day.....in one hour.

I don't know if my drugs aren't working, if it's the pill, or it's life just catching up with me.
But I'm tired, and I want a break!

K

Lucky I got out on good behaviour!

2008-05-06T17:06:00.006+10:00

Well maybe I wasn't THAT good, but overall I think I was better behaved than my cell-mate.

I had grand plans today & how I was going to spend it.
But the old fuck-tard Murphy decided to pay a visit so I spent the day chasing away a migraine. Mostly in bed.
At least I wasn't in bed because I was depressed.
That can be my positive.
And also my period hit with a vengeance, if I can even call it my period seeing the last one never quite went away.
Ahhh Life is good!

I had a blog post swirling around in my head for the last week, but now my head doesn't work, so I'm just going to write down the signs I should have heeded....... I mean the gods were fucking SCREAMING at me!!!!!

#1: 8years, 6 months ago, I could see my relationship with my BF was going nowhere, on again, off again, moody for no reason, would leave in the middle of the night...I could go on....so I bought myself an around the world plane ticket, a safari through Africa, and resigned from my job.

#2: 8 years, 4 months ago, I found out I was pregnant. The reaction wasn't good. I was then told to have an abortion, I declined, so he asked me to marry him, I declined, so I got dumped. I also cancelled my trip.
(I asked for him to reconsider after some weeks of not hearing from him, I was scared....silly girl!)

#3: 8 years, 4 weeks & 2 days ago I had refused his proposal for marriage several times, so he sprung on me whilst I was asleep on my birthday, in my haze I said yes. When I woke up I was wondering what had just happened.

#4: We had to beg for our marriage license as we HAD TO marry before his folks went overseas AND before the baby was born.

#5: 8 years & 5 days ago, I had to have a wisdom tooth pulled as it had formed an abscess

#6: 8 years ago today, I woke up with half my face swollen up with red welts on it. The first indication that I was allergic to penicillin. My tooth, or where it once was, got infected, so the Dentist chucked a swab in it soaked with penicillin.

#7: 8 years ago today, My Grandmother FLASHED my best mate, whom were both staying at my house.

#8: 8 years ago today, When the limo pulled up to the church, I had a panic attack & hyperventilated.

Unfortunately, there were plenty of other things after this.....I am almost embarrassed to admit how many, and how many times I went back for more....but I'll leave that for another time....maybe.....and 8 is fitting for today.

So raise your glasses please.
Here's to a fucking fantastical phenomenal 8 years ahead!
May they be better than the last!
Have a drink for me....I would but my head still hurts....
Cheers!

K

I am wondering......

2008-05-04T14:57:00.003+10:00

**DISCLOSURE**
You may not want to read this if you get all funny over 'women's issues'.

.....How long does it take for someone to bleed to death?

Seriously.
A friend of mine once told me a joke.
"What is the only animal that can bleed for 5 days & not die?"
"A woman!"

HA!
NOT!
Obviously the 'friend' was a bloke!

So how long can it go on before I do.

It all started when I finally got to see the gyno, to check the AH hadn't given me any little going away presents from the fine establishments he frequents.

Oh and chuck in a pap-smear whilst your there cos it's only been....ummmm....how old is my youngest????

And if I'm lying there with it all laid out on a platter, I may as well get the works right!

And it was awful, uncomfortable & embarrassing....exactly the reasons I put such visits off....proving me right....and why I'll probably wait another 6 years!

I mean she didn't even cover me with a sheet....I know that is totally psychological...but still!

I'm lying there, looking at the ceiling, trying to think of England, not the cobwebs she probably needs to dust off when I hear her say....
"Put your hands into a fist & put them up your bum!"

Shaken back to reality...I was forced to look at her...and said "Ummmm WHAT?!"

She repeated.....doing the actions this time....speaking S...L...O...W...L...Y....
"Put your hands into a fist"
She demonstrates.
"And put them under your bum"
Now she's looking like a flight attendant showing me how to inflate my life jacket. Then adds...
"I can't get a clear view"

GREAT!
I just died a thousand deaths! But at least I don't have to stick my fists UP my bum!

Anyhoo, ahem, now that I have that off my chest, we then also discussed other general issues, and she came to the conclusion that I probably have endometriosis, and that I should try going on the pill, to see if that helps. The deal-breaker was when she told me that I could miss, every 2nd or 3rd period....BONUS!!!! Blood Week is never a happy time in this house....for anyone! Only having to endure it 4-6 times a year would be HEAVEN!

So I paid her my money, and hauled my arse out of her office with my dignity dragging behind me in shreds....
Then spent a small fortune on the Pill, simply because this *special, more expensive pill* had the bonuses of clear skin & no weight gain.....and imagine the costs saved on products.......sounded absolutely magical!

But as with all things....if it sounds too good to be true, then it probably is.

I started the pill on my next period......and it is still going.......3 WEEKS LATER!!!!!
I am soooooo NOT LOVING THIS!

Yesterday I took the first sugar pill....which should signify the start of my NEXT period.....I'm thinking surely this has to STOP SOON! But NOOOO now I'm getting all the symptoms that I am trying to be rid of.....aches, pains, nausea, tiredness, bloating,mad cow disease. (Well they hadn't actually disappeared entirely...so they are just revving up the volume...SO happy!)

When is it going to end?
Will I bleed to death first?
Will I end up in a psych ward?
Cause Blood Week sucks.....but Blood MONTH is HELL!!!!

K

When does it stop being about the kids?

2008-05-02T20:04:00.002+10:00

The AH has finally got my email with regard to him contributing to school fees.
And he aint happy.
I ended up hanging up on him.
Don't need his abuse.
Won't stand for his abuse anymore!
His claim is that the Child Support he pays covers clothing, medical and school.
Roof over their heads, electricity, gas, food is all questionable.
I said yes, when I got the full child support, I didn't ask for his help.
He now claims to CS he has the children more.
So he pays less.
He says he has them a third of the time.
Therefore he should cover a third of their schooling.
They aren't in a public school, they are in a Catholic school...it aint cheap.
I can't keep up.
He isn't having them for the amount of days he has claimed....so far he is 2 weeks short.
Response: Bullshit!
I said that I can't afford to pay their fees. (Please let me get a job!)
Response: Bullshit!
OK!
Fine!
You're saying no?
Seeya!

The phone has been ringing off the hook!
I'm not answering!
Where are the kids whilst he's on his diatribe?

He says check with CSA.
I have!
His response: Bullshit!

Honestly, where is the conversation going when all you can say is bullshit & attack someone. The mother of your children? In front of your children I can only assume!

Get over yourself! The question was easy enough. Say no or say yes....no need to step on me cos you think you can....discuss...negotiate...words not in his vocabulary!

I have 2 in mine!

FUCKING ARSEHAT!

Ooh and 3 more...

GO FUCK YOURSELF!

See....I'm sooo much more mature!

K

Times are a changin'

2008-05-02T09:29:00.003+10:00

The AH has found a house. Apparently.
A 2nd home for my kids.
It will be interesting to see how things pan out from now on.
In mediation we discussed changes for when he found somewhere to call his own.
I am curious to see whether they come to fruition.
I also discovered yesterday that he is not having them for the amount of time he had agreed upon.
It will be interesting to see if he now makes that time up.
I got the bill for term 2 school fees yesterday also.
I am still paying off term 1.
I have emailed him asking for help with school fees from now on.
No response yet.
Can't wait for that one.
I am applying for 3 jobs today that I feel I actually have a chance of getting.
Working Fridays.
So he will have to pick the kids up from school on his Fridays or pay for after school care.
BWAHAHA!
Wonder if he's gonna step up to the Parental Plate, or continue being Mr Disney Dad.
I guess only time will tell.

K

The law of air fresheners..

2008-05-01T22:21:00.002+10:00

My son walked out from the toilet today with the air freshener in hand and said..
"mum, can I spray this?"
I thought a little....he's 7...yes he can spray..
Me: "yep, did you poo?"
DS: "nup!"
Me: "well no you can't then"
DS: "Why?"
Me: "Cos the spray stinks"
DS: " I wee'd, why can't I spray?"
Me: "Cos wee doesn't smell"
Me then thinking...'well it does when you miss the loo and add 2 days'
DS "So when can I spray?"
Me: "When you poo!"
DS : "Why?"
Me : "Cos your shit smells worse than the spray!"
DS: "Ahhhh OK!"

I think it's logical!

And I think my baby's growing up *sob*

K

Back on the medical merry-go-round..

2008-04-30T18:05:00.005+10:00

Ever since E's grommets have fallen out, about 6-7 months ago, she has had constant ear infections....AGAIN!
Our weeks have gone like this...E complaining of something Not Quite Right....visit Dr "oooh yes her ears are quite red & there is a lot of fluid, here's some antibiotics, come back in a week or 2"....E's fine again, go back to Dr "yep, all clear"....a week later E complains of something Not Quite Right....visit Dr "oooh yes her ears are quite red & there is a lot of fluid, here's some antibiotics..." and well, I guess you get the picture.
In December I noticed she wasn't hearing too well. And it coincided with her ears again not feeling right....and about 1-2 weeks since her last dose of antibiotics. Seeing a pattern?
We were away, so we went to see the dr again once we returned home. This time we got a referral to get her hearing tested.
The appointment was made.
It finally came yesterday.....yep it took over 4 months just to get the test.
In between we have had the same cycle. Ear bad..take meds...ear good...finish meds...ear bad..take meds etc etc. Her hearing has come & gone....but mostly it's gone! But we waited patiently.
Test results from yesterday? She's deaf! OK not completely deaf, but she has about 50% hearing in her left ear & 60-70% in her right. It is all treatable of course but it's just the extremely long waiting game that drives me insane. The tester said she would be really struggling to hear in class, and if she's grumpy & tired from school that would be why. Well she's a right bitch after school! She has been struggling in class. Emotionally mostly, she's very clever. I had put most of it down to her dad & I separating.

Now once again I am fraught with feelings of inadequacy as a parent. Why didn't I put 2 and 2 together? J had the same issues...his hearing was worse...but he's had no problems since the grommets...or has he?

They both have speech issues that I don't even hear? The tester asked me how her speech was, I said fine...then she noted a lisp! What lisp? That's not a lisp, that's just E.
I know she has some small issues...like trouble with "Th" saying it "f"...but I did that as a kid! Plus with her ED and her lack of teeth, the spacing, size etc....I guess I put down any small differences to that!

So now I want to get J's hearing tested too...just to be sure....as it has been pointed out to me that he still speaks like he has adenoid problems...which were fixed nearly 2 years ago.....and as I am a bad mother, I don't notice and need these things pointed out!

AS far as E goes we are back on the merry-go-round. She is back on antibiotics, because her ears are infected again. And I called 5 ENT's and the earliest I can get in is June 6th.

Then What?

More Grommets?

I HATE having my kids put under....:-(...I sooo don't want to do that again! It was AWFUL! But at the same time why does the process take so fucking long! It's a joke! Once I finally get into the ENT it could take months again for the op....I think we waited 7 months last time...and we pushed it!

So in the meantime, we keep pumping in the antibiotics, which I hate, tell her teacher to speak in her right ear & sit her up the front of the class, and hope the child doesn't get any MORE screwed up & miserable!

K

Marry me Rob!

2008-04-28T16:26:00.003+10:00

Matchbox 20 ROCKS!

The concert was fucking awesome!

In the beginning the crowd was a little....ummmm.....how can I put it....drab?

I really don't want to offend my Canberra friends, cos I luv em, but, honestly, it was like walking into a set on The Night of the Living Dead, except they didn't want to eat me, but I'm sure a few wouldn't have minded me dead.

They did liven up, but unfortunately the most we got out of the people immediately surrounding us was an ocassional twitch or nod of the head.

I was pumped, jumping out of my skin....so decided to make my own fun.

We had 2 very tall men in front of us, we begged & pleaded to let us in front of them, pointing out that they could be in the last row and STILL see what was going on...they didn't NEED to be third from front! Surprisingly, they refused!
I told the man-mountain in front of us, who looked like he was waiting for his enema to come on rather than THE.BEST.BAND.EVAH!, that "Rob" had come all this way just to see ME! He snarled. His friend laughed, and said "yeah, that's what every girl here is saying"... I stopped smiling, looked him square in the eye and told him very matter of factly that all those "other" girls are insane, he was in fact, here to see ME & ME ONLY!

They avoided eye contact after that!

BWAHAHA!

And their punishment? Me going nuts, jumping, dancing & ~~screaming~~ singing RIGHT.ON.TOP.OF.THEM... and my sister M wolf-whistling ALLLL night... hee hee not my fault the place was packed!

Then there was the girls, all of 18years of age I guess, asking my sister to put her arms down....WTF? She checked for BO then politely refused. Fuck-knobs! These same bimbo's were arguing over a song's name, near the end, thought it was a MB20 song when they were doing The Beatles! *sigh* The youth of today huh!

Then some chick near us yelled out in a kind of breathless wail "I lovvvvvvve you ROB!!!"
So I called out in an even more pathetic breathless wail "Marrry me Rob!"
ROFL
It was only the next morning that I realised one of my sisters thought I was doing it seriously!
I was excited, and I carry on with creepy delusions, but I'm not serious! Not that I would ever say no.....I'm a fucking stay-at-home single mum....I'm allowed my fantasies....surely!

But aside from all my carry on, they were FAN-FUCKING-TASTIC!

We were only 3-4 people back from the stage, so we had a great view......He is sooooo much better looking in person. I always find him a bit dorky on video, and he dances weird....but I like dorky. In person though he is sex on legs. *SWOON*

At one point in the concert he went down on bended knee, singing, and we locked eyes, for what seemed like an eternity.....I grabbed M's hand and nearlly crushed it. She didn't believe me (BITCH!) but my other sis S backed me up....even said it seemed to go on for ages *SWOON*

Now I know when I was 14 I SWORE BLACK AND BLUE that Jon Bon Jovi looked at me whilst swaggering over the ramp 10 metres above me......and I nearlly wet my pants..... This time it DID happen, he was only 2-3metres from me, and my very sensible sis is backing me up, so it MUST be true! (and I won't mention my pants).

Concert over, and I was on cloud nine :-) So I put myself further into debt by buying the USB band of the concert & a t-shirt.

Then M & I decided to go out.....yup, I see why people say Canberra is bat-shit boring. I love the place myself, it's great for kids, heaps to do during the day, but I get where the younger-set are coming from, is all I'm saying. We went through a few suburbs and EVERYTHING was shut! Except for one place that was packed to the rafters, had people passed out in the gutters & the footpaths strewn with broken glass. I aint fussy, and I have no class but even I have a line that, when sober at least, I don't cross!

So we ended up at the local club. Which had 4 VERY drunk man-boys....who had obviously been going since the 2-up started....and 4 very sober man-boys who said they had only just recovered from the night before. So being the party animals we are, we had a beer, shared a packet of chips, then walked up the hill back to M's house, where we both passed out cold on the lounge!

We Rock!

And I'd do it all again in a heartbeat :-)

Marry Me Rob!

All that I am!

2008-04-18T19:44:00.004+10:00

Have you got a song that makes you breathe?

That really just stops you in your tracks and lets you breathe?

No matter what else is going on, you are at peace, and you breathe.....as you should!

Not the worry of life. Not the breathe that we all must do, to survive. But you feel that breath like it was your first. And then you smile. And then you hug your kids & count your blessings.

A breath of life.

I only have one....and it does it to me every single time....it's actually a sad song, and the singer unfortunately has passed, but despite this, this song pulls life into me when I feel that I cannot give or do anymore!

Takes my breath away & makes me feel at peace!

K

**Actually I have 2, and if you click on the link in the title you'll get the 2nd...I am so hopeless with songs, I can love the song, and love the singer but I could rarely name either...and I chose the title by random....THEN I listened...sometimes randomness is best, and chooses what you need!**

Bent

2008-04-16T18:08:00.005+10:00

Well today marks 5 months since I seperated from the AH.

I didn't realise that till now, while I bide time, til I can call my babies & say goodnight.

Today I've been rather sloth like. Got up late, showered late, snuggled on the lounge under a blanket mostly. Contemplating my navel. Wondering where I go from here. Missing my kids.

I need a change.

I just so happened to watch Dr Phil & Oprah....2 things I rarely do...but what else does one do whilst avoiding the world, and having a one person pity party.

But I'm so glad I did.

On Dr Phil, there was a married couple, and it was the AH & I, 6 months ago.

He was abusive. Not physically, but mentally. Constant put-downs.....degrading....disrespectful...arrogant....egotistical...self righteous.....I could go on. He was a PIG! And despite Dr Phil "getting real" with him, him even agreeing with the Doc, he just didn't GET IT! This bloke was right ALL THE TIME. He was BETTER than everyone else. HIS way was the only way.

His wife, just sat there, like a broken shell of a person that once was. She uttered the words that she felt she should leave, but you could see she wouldn't. She was BROKEN. Worn down. Worthless. Fat. Ugly. A bad mother. A disgusting human being. Deserving nothing better than what this vile piece of a man....THIS COWARD....could give her. And what he could give her was NOTHING...she repulsed him.

BUT she was none of those things.

He hated her because of what she had become since they married.

But HE made her those things.

You get put down often enough and you DO believe it.

And even if you do break free, you still have those same messages drilled into you, until you change them, which is not easy.

I felt for her.

I felt for their kids.

AND I saw the AH for what he was, and is, and this PIG for what he is, and that some people just do not and can not change.

I CAN change. I just need to have my mind reprogrammed. The thrill of finally standing up for myself, and saying no more! has worn off & I've been stuck in limbo. Back in the pit of feeling worthless. I have some good days, but the bad days are increasing, so I see that I need to regain control of my life. Find what I like again. Reform friendships. Rebuild relationships.

Discover ME!

Then Oprah came on.....and TBH I don't like Oprah....it's usually mind numbing dribble to me. But today she had Louise L Hay on. And a few other guests. The show was on how powerful positive thinking is. I know this is true...it just has to be put into practise....I have done it before, and it has worked.

So I saw this as a sign.

I have her book "You can heal your life", so I am going to read it again.

I also have Dr Phils book "Self Matters", which I have struggled to get past chapter 1 as it was too confronting.

I will read that also.

I'm not saying a book can "fix" me...but I have to start somewhere....and once you take that first step, who knows where the path may lead.

K

Damn!

2008-04-14T21:41:00.005+10:00

This co-parenting gig sucks at times.

The AH......and by the way AH now stands for the Anti-Husband....as in the opposite of what a husband should be...like anti-christ....was the nicest thing I could come up with...meh...wasn't worth more brain fodder....he'll be back to Arse-Hat soon enough...

Anyhoo....He is taking the kids away tomorrow for 3 nights!!!! OMG!!! I don't know what I am gonna do with myself...they are staying on the 9th floor....YES the 9th fucking floor people! I don't know....how can you explain a fear of heights when you aren't leaving the ground..... It is consuming my every thought.....and just imagining them running all over that unstable balcony, leaning against that glass which is what? 5mm thick at best, leaning over to "look", putting all their gorgeous weight on that piece of aluminium they call a guard rail, that who knows has built! HOW do I know who built this joint....did they decide to not to do all the safety checks on that particular balcony cos it was nearlly smoko....did they double check all the nuts & bolts? Did they pour the concrete correctly, and keep it wet enough so it set properly.... WHO KNOWS!!!! I am putting the life of my children into the hands of some disgruntled, alcoholic, chain-smoking, union-loving, big corporation hating, incompetent bloke who I have never met. And then for their responsible guardian they have an disgruntled, alcoholic, smoking, union-loving, big corporation hating, incompetent bloke who I know all too well.....no wonder I am going MAD!

So for now I am focussing on the inequity that I am suffering, preparing them for this great adventure!

WASHING!

AND MORE WASHING!

I have to pack all their stuff...because Dad of the year won't keep their stuff at his place. So I have to wash everything, all their new clothes (OK he gets some grace there cos he bought them), which need to be washed in seperate batches, with my stupid fucking washing machine that I have to manually fill, cos it's fucked!

The dryer has been running non-stop!

The house is a fucking TIP as a result, cos I decided to spend time with the kids today instead of clean.

I don't know where their Nintendo's are to charge them.

Nor their I-pods.

Partly due to the fact they decided to share a room from now on, so they moved the beds into one room and the other is a "toy" room...so their crap is everywhere.

They have only just gone to sleep & I haven't even begun.

Now I have to take my meds which make me sleeepy.....

And I can't get out of my mind that fucking balcony!!!

Did I mention a kid DIED where they are staying....I have already banned them from the spa!

How can I ban them from the balcony....they'll be lurving it....as will the AH. I forbid him from getting a room higher than the 3rd floor after the nightmare of staying there last time!!!! Now we are apart...all bets are off!

I feel nauseous just thinking about it!

K

Streetcorner Symphony

2008-04-12T00:08:00.004+10:00

Click on the title of this post....
I dare ya!
In fact click on all of them for April!

This one is my ring tone!

2 WEEKS TO GO!

WHOOT!!!

I will be on the floor! In the mosh-pit! Squashed up against the barriers! Putting my panty throwing practise to good use! Organising meeting points with my sis for when we lose each other! GOING FUCKING MENTAL!

I CAN'T FUCKING WAIT!

One of my besties surprised me last year??? seems longer, mental illness and all....maybe 3 years was def NOT my 30th...to Rob Thomas tickets...like she was here and we HAD.TO.LEAVE.IN.10.MINUTES type surprise.
HE was FUCKING AWESOME! And we had the worst seats in the house....I did try and sneak closer though! AND I took REALLY dodgy photos on my phone and shared them to all and sundry...ahem...yes it may have looked like a white dot on a black screen TO YOU! But to me, it was DREAMY Rob Thomas! With all detail...if you had a microscope...but again I digress

Gawd.....a good voice does me in!

In 2 weeks I will be there!

Every post this month...the month of my birthday......I have made the title Matchbox 20 or Rob Thomas related. Some are songs (titles), some are lyrics...so if you click on the title you'll get an awesome piece of music....my fave is the "3am" link WHOA! I know I was talking about Daylight Savings....but the song is about his mum when she had cancer...which I can SO relate to. But accoustically it is AWESOME!

Others were a surprise...I just grabbed a title without thinking too much...but the last one (Back 2 good) is his song about cheating lol.

Did I say WOOOOOOPPPDEEEEEEEEEEEEEDDDOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!
I'm goin' to MATCHBOX 20!!!

OK have to wee now ;-p

K

Back 2 Good?

2008-04-11T19:21:00.010+10:00

I think I need to find AH a new name.

Increasingly, he is behaving like the man I married.

As opposed to the whore-fucking, manipulative, abusive, intimidating, unsupportive Arsehole that I endured the last 4 years of our marriage.

Yeah it's nice, but my memory aint that short!

But I still feel a little bad referring to him as the AH....for now....

As well as our 'almost-pleasant' footy trip, and the portrait of the kids he...I mean...the kids got me for my birthday.....and the Fererro Rocher's (ATE THEM ALL and am still alive) at Easter....things have been pretty damn civilised, nice even. We don't have much contact still, but when we do we get along in a minimalistic way, exchange pleasantries, discuss the kids in a caring, positive way (as opposed to defensive & argumentative). Nothing over the top but a helluva LOT better than the ways things were heading before.

Tonight he called the kids, as per usual, then needed to speak to me. He is planning to take them to Forster next week, so I needed the details. This opens a whole other kettle of fish, but more on that later. (FUCK THAT IS GOING TO BE THE LONGEST!3!NIGHTS!OF!MY!LIFE!)

I digress.

Anyhoo...so somehow the subject comes up about the kids lack of winter clothes that fit. I tried to explain that financially I am up fucking shit creek without a paddle, I am trying to buy bits & pieces here and there, but between school fees, trying to get my car roadworthy, medical bills, and just anything else life can throw at me ATM it's not happening fast enough....
Well actually I think my words were more like " I have a heap of bills ATM, medical, car and other stuff, so I'm trying to get a little as I can..."

So he offered to take the kids shopping to get what they need. Me being Me, said oh no that's OK! He insisted, then asked what they needed.
*should I ask if this is coming out of child support?*
Then continued to say he would say it was from both of us!!! I said there was no need for that, and gave him a short list of things needed. (He is the type to over buy, over spend, and half doesn't get worn.....which is fine, but not necessary)

Then he wanted me to drop the kids off at 2pm tomorrow instead of 7pm, so he could take them.
I agreed. Although I had wanted to do something with them tomorrow afternoon, this was a good deal, and the kids benefited, so I had to quieten that train of thought.

So kids & I continued on with dinner.

Then he called back, and asked if I would like to come shopping, so the kids would see it was from both of us.
I have BIG ISSUES with him being the Disney Dad....what they want, they GET from him, whilst I'm always saying no.
I hesitated.
I gave him an out...twice!
Then I agreed.
*sigh*
Am I selling out?

So tomorrow we are again spending some of my weekend time with HIM.

I am sure it will be fine.
And it is for the greater good....
The kids!

And I am GLAD that he is now willing to do these things. I am grateful even.

Just hope it doesn't come around and bite me on the bum.

Yeah Cynical till the end!

But what should I call him till I'm screwed over again?
XH is like, soooo yesterday, like.

K

Yourself or someone like you.

2008-04-08T11:31:00.004+10:00

I got this link from Tess.... looked like fun.....but it is actually scarily true!

You are a seeker of knowledge, and you have learned many things in your life.
You are also a keeper of knowledge - meaning you don't spill secrets or spread gossip.
People sometimes think you're snobby or aloof, but you're just too deep in thought to pay attention to them.

You tend to be pretty tightly wound. It's easy to get you excited... which can be a good or bad thing.
You have a lot of enthusiasm, but it fades rather quickly. You don't stick with any one thing for very long.
You have the drive to accomplish a lot in a short amount of time. Your biggest problem is making sure you finish the projects you start.

You are wild, crazy, and a huge rebel. You're always up to something.
You have a ton of energy, and most people can't handle you. You're very intense.
You definitely are a handful, and you're likely to get in trouble. But your kind of trouble is a lot of fun.

You are the total package - suave, sexy, smart, and strong.
You have the whole world under your spell, and you can influence almost everyone you know.
You don't always resist your urges to crush the weak. Just remember, they don't have as much going for them as you do.

You are a seeker. You often find yourself restless - and you have a lot of questions about life.
You tend to travel often, to fairly random locations. You're most comfortable when you're far away from home.
You are quite passionate and easily tempted. Your impulses sometimes get you into trouble.

You are friendly, charming, and warm. You get along with almost everyone.
You work hard not to rock the boat. Your easy going attitude brings people together.
At times, you can be a little flaky and irresponsible. But for the important things, you pull it together.

You are very intuitive and wise. You understand the world better than most people.
You also have a very active imagination. You often get carried away with your thoughts.
You are prone to a little paranoia and jealousy. You sometimes go overboard in interpreting signals.

What's" Your Name's Hidden Meaning?

I can't get myself to go away.

2008-04-07T21:01:00.007+10:00

Well not this year, but if anyone wants to wire me about $100,000,000.00 in the next couple of hours I may be able to wing it.

But I have it sussed, for next year, as long as I win lotto, or meet a sugar daddy.....

But the finer details don't matter right now.

On the 7th April at 11pm, I catch a flight to Honolulu, which takes 9 hours & 45 mins. They are 20hours behind us so I would arrive there at 12.45pm 7th April.

Then on the 7th April at 11pm I catch a flight from Honolulu to Kiritimati, which takes 4 hours. They are 4 hours ahead of Sydney, so I would arrive there at 3am on the 9th April.

(This is why I need mega wads of cash. From my research, I could only find a weekly flight between Kiritimati and Nadi(Fiji) once a week, but you can get private charters between Kiritimati & Honolulu or Fiji, and well, I assume that costs a fair whack of moula...but I digress)

Then at 8am (Have to at least enjoy 1 sunset, place sounds gorgeous) I get a flight from Kiritimati to Nadi, which takes 4.5 hours, due to time differences, I would arrive at 10.30am their time on the 9th.

Then it's simply a 2 hour 40 min flight from Nadi back to Sydney....say I leave at 12pm (leaving enough time for changeover & delays), I would be back in Sydney at about 12.40pm on the 9th of April!

And I'd have missed the 8th altogether! I'm a genius!

I would love to spend some time in Kiritimati, but I have family birthdays on the 9th,10th & 11th April, and I don't want to be disowned. It appears they don't use phones all that much, not sure they even have them, and I'm sure I couldn't afford it if they did!

Kiritimati. Isn't it pretty?

But now a serious question...If you aren't actually present in a day, did that day actually happen?

K

My My My

2008-04-06T16:24:00.002+10:00

Well it seems time does heal.

Today was the aforementioned footy trip from hell.

It went well. Wasn't really uncomfortable at all, especially considering 2 out of the 4 hours were spent in the car. I didn't feel the need to make small talk, and neither did the AH from what I could tell. We did some small talk, mostly asking about family etc. At the actual matches we didn't have a lot to do with each other, but we did talk on occasion, and he even got me an umbrella when it started to pour at match #2, so I bought him a sausage sandwhich after the match....my generosity is just exceptional eh!

Even the disaster of us leaving J's Nintendo DS at the first ground, and not realising until we were half way to the 2nd (20mins), went well. In the past it would have caused much bitching, blaming, cursing and carry on, but nothing except a bit of erratic driving. Now that's what I call progress!
He even introduced me to someone (an old friend from school, who's kid has just started at the club this year!).....I never even rated a mention before.

So all in all a SUCCESS! It has been nearlly 5 months since we separated, and I am under no illusion that we won't have rough times, but it was good to put the nastiness aside and just get along.

I won't go as far as saying it was pleasant, but it wasn't negative in any respect so it's all good.

And whilst the kids didn't seem to bat an eyelid, apart from asking me how long it had been since I'd been in Dads car, I'm sure it must have been GREAT for them. We aren't generally negative in front of them, but we aren't overly positive either, so it, hopefully, was good for them to see us just get along and get on with it.

And WOW! I didn't write a negative post for a change!
Stay tuned....I'm sure it won't last LOL

K

3 AM

2008-04-05T19:04:00.003+11:00

MY GOD! I have been hanging out for this for weeks!
Especially this last week, cos the gov't fucked with my mind and changed the days....AFTER my calendars were obviously printed!

DAYLIGHT SAVINGS IS OVER!!!!

Don't get me wrong I love daylight savings.
But my bodyclock changed a few weeks ago, and I'm struggling of a morning to haul my arse out of bed before 8am. Which on a kid-free day is fine. It's even fine on a weekend...as long as the kids don't mind brunch instead of breakfast. But on a school day....not so good. On a footy day...not so good!

As Murphy would have it, I don't get to languish in bed till 11am tomorrow & pride myself on waking up before noon. No, it is my Sunday with the kids. My Football day with the kids.
But on an entirely positive note, I WILL NOT BE dragging my arse out of bed, only to then drag
their arses out of bed at 7am, so we are at footy by 8.30am....cos as luck would have it.....or our Government....it will REALLY be 8am....WOOHOO!!!!

At 3am we change our clocks to 2am....although I will not be setting my alarm to do that....I am blonde, but not THAT blonde...

So.... my first footy Sunday of the season I get a sleep in!!

Unfortunately I will have to spend AT LEAST 4 hours with the AH, with no car to escape in, NO.WAY.OUT!

BUT I get a sleep in, and I plan on using it!

And maybe a flask of something heavy to get me through the morning!

K

I don't want to be lonely no more!

2008-04-04T11:48:00.003+11:00

I'm soo sick of being lonely.
I'm sick of having nobody close.
Not for the AH.
Not that way.
My closest family members are 4 hours away.
My closest friends are at least an hour away.
I want to have someone I can just pop in on.
Call and invite them for coffee.
Go out on the town.
A few quiet (or not so quiet)drinks at home.
For a shoulder to cry on.
For a laugh.
I'm not much of a phone person. My friends have their own family & lives, so the distance is made further than if we could just drop everything and meet up. It takes planning. And then it is too short, and too long in between.
I want my sisters closer.
I want support that comes from a shared history. I have none of that.
My agoraphobia and depression hasn't helped matters. My kids starting school should have been a great opportunity to make new friends. But I didn't. I couldn't. I'm not good at making friends. Or keeping them. I don't know how.
The upside is that I am making some progress there. It's not easy though. I am in my 3rd year at the school, most friendships have already been formed, I missed the boat. But slowly I am trying to let my guard down, overcome all my fears, and speak to people. I am volunteering at the school, and I even went to coffee with 2 parents the other day....that is huge progress.
Today there is a school picnic, so I'll make the effort to mingle a little more.
I need to get a job. To meet new people. To get a life.
This isn't a new thing.
This has been going on for some time, but it feels worse when I am feeling better, when I am not consumed 24/7 by my anxiety & depression.
Maybe it's just pre-birthday blues.
I don't like birthdays.
Not mine anyway.
It represents another year wasted.
I should go be miserable elsewhere.
And try and think of a happy post for a change.

K

I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell....

2008-04-02T19:41:00.004+11:00

The kids are with AH tonight.
I rang to say goodnight...which is normal.
The kids (Usually E) go through the "you wanna speak to mum/dad?" thing.
Which USUALLY results in a "No, not tonight"
Except tonight he said "yes"
Apparently J is playing for the under 10's as well as the under 9's.
He has only just progressed to the under 9's from Auskick. He did Auskick last year but was asked to play for the Under 9's as well. Which he did brilliantly!!
The season only started last weekend. He played for the under 9's. Did OK. Then the Under 10's were short players so he played with them also. Did BRILLIANTLY!!! So they have asked him back.
He is 7!
So now he is playing for BOTH! OFFICIALLY!
So AH informs me that I will need to take him to Hornsby then Baulkham Hills...a big trek...I stutter a little...(I have them this Sunday am...I agreed to Footy but not 2 lots....but J LURVES it so I can't say no)....Anyway AH goes on to say that he will take him to the 2nd match, he has taken on some role in the club yadayada so will be there anyway.
So ME.WITHOUT.THINKING. says
"Oh why don't we all just go in the same car"
Then I cringed....
FUCK! WHAT! DID! I! JUST! SAY!
So now...we are all going to footy in the same car! HIS CAR!
HE will pick us up and head from there!
ARGGHHHH! What have I done!
I have to sit in a car with him!
We only just got to "being cordial" at swap-overs... We don't do conversation! The SILENCE WILL BE DEADLY! WITH THE KIDS IN THE BACK!
FUCK! FUCK! AND MORE FUCK!
AND FUCK! SOME MORE!!!!

WHAT! WAS! I! THINKING!

Truth be told...I wasn't...I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell..... :-(

Try the title or this one....gawd I loved "The Panel"

Hangover from Hell!

2008-03-26T18:00:00.004+11:00

I AM NEVER EATING CHOCOLATE AGAIN!

Give me wine, beer, Baileys (mmmm Baileys...), ANYTHING...I will drink fucking Rocket Fuel and enjoy the aftermath more!

Give me drugs....legal, illegal.....mixed with battery acid & 5 spice....it has got to be better!

I have felt like absolute crap for the past few days, have been skulling water like it's liquid gold.

Honestly! I didn't eat that much! But that is ALL I can attribute it to...the FUCKING chocolate!

I just want to spew, shit, cry, scream and rip my own limbs off!

The Farking White Wabbit has some answering to do!

Firstly....he fucking trashedthe joint! There was a white powdery substance EVERYWHERE, then after the kids demolished the place looking for eggs, there was teensy eensy bits of coloured foil all over the place, and brown smears all over the floors. Which I am honestly not sure if it was Bunneh Shit, Kid Shit or chocolate egg that just didn't quite make it in the mouth fast enough!

Secondly...my kids have been feral! I tried to get them eat it all in one day, to be over and done with....but Noooooo! I still have a FRIDGE.FUCKING.FULL.TO.THE.BRIM. WITH. CHOCOLATE!!!!

Thirdly...I was feeling the effects of chocolate overload, on SUNDAY, but kept being tempted! (Remember the Fridge, and I haven't mentioned the rest!) I HAVEN'T EATEN THAT MUCH...but it screws with me! Seeing it in the shops since christmas has made me eat it constantly! As in a little bit a day! But it's too much! Today I feel a little better, and I haven't had any...Proof enough! But it has STILL taken over my brain! I stand in the checkout queue and see alllll that chocolatey goodness, and WANT TO BUY IT! HELLO WOMAN, REMEMBER YOUR HOUSE IS ALMOST MADE OF THE SHIT!

I AM OVER CHOCOLATE!

And I STILL haven't opened the Fererro Rochers...hmmmmmm......If you had an AH, and that AH gave you your fave chockies, Would you eat them?
I'm not game.....

Yet!

Plus chocolate is still EVIL!

FLOORED!

2008-03-23T19:21:00.002+11:00

The AH bought me my favourite chocolates for Easter!
From the kids of course.

If I go missing in a few days you will know he injected them with arsenic.

K

HI!!! FRom da EaSteR BuNNeH!

2008-03-22T23:00:00.003+11:00

In Wonka packs you get 17 mini eggs...so 1 for the easter bunny IF you have 2 children! YUM! (170g)
In Cadbury(caramel) packs you get 10 mini eggs...none for mum...ahem I mean the easter bunny! Bummer! E.B. loves caramel eggs! (110g)
In Nestle Milky bar mini eggs you get 15...again 1 for the Easter Bunny if you have 2 children (150g)
What are the E.B's findings.....Cadbury charge more per gram.
I prefer cadbury.
But their 11g eggs leave NADA for the E.B!
Need to bring it down to 10 grams man....

Damn glad Mr A.H. E.Bunny contributed to the Egg Fund, or Ms. E.B would be pretty unhappy!!! (as in I am eating the eggs he contributed, because I bought Enuff!)

And I think Mr. Wonka has it right! nothing can be shared equally with 17 so EB always gets his/her cut!
Nestle cuts a close 2nd, because you need 1, 3 or 5 kids to be cut out of your profits...I mean share.

But that damn Cadbury! Everyone has 1, 2, or 5 kids! All or nothing Damn You! Where's my cut you slimey bastard!

And to be fair...I don't buy real cheap shit....fucks with my head....the come down is HUGE!!!! so I haven't had a chance to critique them...not that you'd wanna, I mean sometimes we're desperate....but not at EASTER!

No at Easter we need to keep our shit clean!

Normally I'd have added another great supplier "Red Tulip", Great bloke, but he's pretty quiet, apart from this time of year.... unfortunately I was a bit slack this year, his supply must have been good cos he was dry once I called. Oh well!

And then there's that posh bastard Lindt. Good Stuff! But I'm a single mum wiff 2 kids now, and way outta my league....

Plus the kids say " I don't like-tha-gold-bunneeeeeee".... & well the stuff induces enough manic episodes without nightmares as well!

So now off I go...kids are asleep...and I need to do some magic with some white powdery stuff....and a piece of paper... *sniff*

Oh and find that magical wine that turns me into a Rabbit!

HAPPY EASTER!

K

Sugar & spice & all things nice.

2008-03-20T16:43:00.013+11:00

I've been too bitchy, whiney, venty, sad, angry...a cow really...so I am not going to write about anything negative today. It will be difficult as it cuts out a lot of my subject matter, lol, but will try my best!

So I cannot speak of AH, money, my car, men, telephone company's, the kids...well that's not true.....my gorgeous son just got busted emptying his money box, which would normally send me in a spin (yeahh like screaming mad....boy has a history of looting his money box...), but he was doing it so he could buy ME an easter present, ended in lots of tears & cuddles. He doesn't want me to miss out....Have a great son there, I reckon! He'll get extra eggs off the easter bunny me thinks ;-)

Onto other good stuff!

I have some GREAT news.

Last Friday I picked up my tickets.

My golden tickets.

Tickets that make me smile.

Tickets that make me giddy.

Tickets I failed to mention cos my kids were left stranded at school.

MATCHBOX 20 TICKETS!!!!

You heard me! I am sooooooo excited I could scream...well in fact I did a little squeal as I got to my car, out of prying eyes, with them in my hot little hands!

SQUEEEEEE!!!!

I cannot wait!!!! I've been listening to them non-stop, practising the words, deafening the kids & neighbours, practised my panty throwing....(I was doing my bra, but my panty size is more impressive than my bra size)...I have the cheapest tickets in the house, so will be in the mosh-pit (I think that term was only good for my old head-banging concerts though....what do you call it for the best band evah!!!! The swoon-pit maybe....ahhhhh Rob Thomas.....) My poor sister, who is my designated "date" is avoiding me....I think she feels she's being stalked, by my constant, random "WOOHOO!!! We're going to Matchbox 20" messages...get with the program honey, we are seeing Royalty!!!!

OK must stop.....am getting a little to *ahem* excited ;-p

breathe Kirst breathe....ok...next....

Actually this isn't necessarily positive....more a bit deranged.....but it could go under frugal....or psychotic.....but it's not negative....and that's what I'm aiming for......

After listening to Optus hold music & speaking to people in Bombay & Manilla, I think something snapped in my brain.....

This was my hair......

... see all the disgusting straggly bits..........

I had hair balls that looked like tumbleweed blowing through my house.....was not pretty......I've been wanting a haircut for about a year, but agoraphobia & more recently, the budget, has prevented me from doing so......so....my brain snapped....so I grabbed the tools....

Yes...very professional!

I have an issue with scissors in this house....they vanish!

All I could find was a pair of the kids cheap craft scissors.They cut paper, so that was good enough for me......at the time......hair IS thinner than paper right?

So I wet my hair bent over and cut! Scissors aint so sharp...try smaller chunks of hair......

The evidence........

I cut a fair chunk off........ 6 inches baby..........................

Yeah, you can't see the ruler, but it was...I promise!

Then it wasn't even, and I forgot to take photo's.....but I got this afterwards....

That is just the extra bits....trying to get it even.....which isn't easy!

So more than 6 inches were gone!

I saw Oprah cut someones hair once....and she did a much better job...she must have practised....cos it isn't easy....but I'm not whining...just stating fact!

This is my hair now! (Thanks to DS for his wonderful photographic skills lol...."What's a blog mum?" )
....hmmmmmm not so straight....but better than what it was......And now a front on photo to show it is indeed shorter! I am wearing DS pokemon mask, as my face has erupted in pussy boils, and there is nothing negative on here tonight! Oh and another before photo so we get the REAL picture......

MY GOD THAT BEFORE HAIR IS MANKY!

I've NEVER seen it like that! eeeew!

Let's scream FERAL!!!!

I mean puss, not the cat...pussie? boils...ooh it's getting dirty in here now.... or is it pus??? Maybe I should find a dictionary......let's just say I'm Zit City 90210!

Oooh look the left is a bit longer........and that Pokemon mask does something weird to my neck....I'm 29 still you know.....no double chins here! Or strange-enlarged-whitened-weirdness-of-neck-area-disease....damn kid....has FINALLY fallen asleep when I need a re-shoot!

He was jumping off the fucking lounge 10 minutes ago....with me screaming for them to sleep! NOW he decides to sleep....when mum needs a retouch!

Selfish Bugger!

May have to work on that tomorrow...

Crikey, I may end up doing a Britney, and shaving it all off LOL

And WHAT is with the wavy hair???? I've had dead straight hair forever!

Part of aging perhaps? With the greys....which thankfully you CANNOT see......I have a hair dye in my cupboard, which was waiting for my hair cut...so maybe we'll do that tomorrow too :-) (After I even up the back bit....a little TOO V-line for my liking!)

Kxx

Men! Think I'll go Lesbo thanks!

2008-03-19T09:17:00.005+11:00

It's official... All men ARE cheating bastards!
Since the AH & I have separated 2 men have kissed me. Neither of them are single!
Are they missing a fucking chromosone or 10.
The first was someone I didn't know that well, and I kissed back, then I found out he had a girlfriend, so pissed him off. He was persistent though.....It's been a while since I've heard from him....and I hope I don't hear from him again. Why have a girlfriend moron!
Oh and I forgot about the 'stalker'....he had a girlfriend too & was getting a bit scary....perverted prick!
Then out of the blue I get a visitor. Somebody whom I only know because of my marriage to the AH. Someone who is MARRIED! I was a bit surprised, but it was nice to see him as we get along well, and I've been cut off from that part of my life. And he seemed genuinely concerned for how I was..... Then when he left he gave me a hug told me to take care... THEN KISSED ME!!! WTF!!! I reeled back in shock!!! Then he tried it on again!!!! Do men have no morals? Are they truly controlled by their fucking cocks? Does commitment mean nothing?
The AH screwed around behind my back, does this automatically mean I have a secret desire to be the 'other' woman. Do I have a fucking neon sign on my forehead flashing "Kiss me if your taken".
I think not!
And people think I want or need a man in my life. Think I'll pass thanks very much!

OH.MY.FUCKING.GOD!

2008-03-14T17:14:00.003+11:00

I just got a phone call.
It was the AH.
me: "Hello"
AH: "WHAT the FUCK happened to YOU today?"
me: "Excuse me?" thinking... thinking...we agreed I'd drop their stuff off at 5.30pm I am SURE! What?.....
AH: "Why didn't you pick the fucking kids up from school?"
Me: "WHAT!!!!! YOU were supposed to pick them up" *OH!MY!FUCKING!GOD! They were left at school, PANIC!*
AH: "I NEVER pick them up on Fridays, I pick them up on Wednesday's! YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PICK THEM UP"
*OH MY GOD!*
Me: "Where are they? Are they OK?"
AH: "They are here, my dad picked them up, they called him"
*Why the fuck didn't they call me or the AH??*
AH: "BLAH BLAH BLAH...." Sorry he was ranting something, but I kind of went blank at that stage...
Me: "It is your day, we agreed in mediation that on your days you pick them up from school"
AH: "BULLSHIT! I NEVER PICK THEM UP ON FRIDAYS!"
Me: "WE have it in writing! I texted you TODAY asking what time you wanted me to drop their stuff off?"
AH: "YOU TEXTED ME ASKING THE TIME TO DROP THE KIDS OFF...RANT RANT RANT"
Me: "No I didn't, check your phone"
AH started ranting raving denying blaming cursing yadayadayada......ho hum!
Me: "Look it doesn't matter, are the kids OK?"
AH: ".........well....yes"
Me: "OK well that's what matters, it was obviously a miscommunication, no need to blame anyone."
AH: "I'm coming to get their stuff, they want to get changed"
Me: "I can still drop it off....."
AH: "OH FUCK, DO WHAT YOU WANT!!!"
Me: "Don't need to be nasty, I don't mind either way"
AH: "I'LL COME AND GET IT NOW!" beep, beep, beep, beep.... OK I guess you will....

So he came. I gave the kids a HUGE hug, and said sorry that dad & I got mixed up. He was very surly. They grabbed their gear, E announced she wasn't gonna sing tonight (Karaoke school disco), so I didn't need to come.

I went outside, and tried to speak to him, but he just carried on like a flipping child, throwing blame anywhere but on himself as usual....... Like I would not pick the kids up if I was supposed to?!?! HELLO MORON! Does that FUCKING tiny wee little lonely grey cell in your fat head not compute!!!!! The air must whip through your ear canals like a fucking hurricane that prevents you from hearing any rational fucking thought....IDIOT!!

OM.MY.GOD!

The kids seemed OK. A little quiet. Probably more from the arsehats attitude than anything else. Their school is fantastic, and I am sure they would have taken really good care of them.
I am still perplexed. Apparently they rang home, but I was out. They have my mobile number though & they didn't call that. I'll have to chase that up. They called the AH's mobile apparently, but he never answers. So they rang the next on the list, my FIL & thank god they were home.

Now I'm not into playing his games with him......but you, my lovelies, is another story.
This is what backs up MY reasonings!

#1:Our agreement states...
'Weekends will be divided in the form:- Fri after school until Sat 7.00pm and from then until 7.00pm Sunday.'

**Now that doesn't specifically say whomever has them does the school pick up, but the last time he did a Friday,(and the only one he's done SINCE the mediation), he picked them up, and the other night he has them states 'The children will continue to spend Wednesday nights with their father who will collect them from school and return them to school the next morning.' Plus it was talked about in mediation, that when he had them he would be responsible for pick-ups (and anything else that crops up) on the days he had them.
So, I assumed, he was picking them up. Obviously I was wrong!

#2: Our communication today.
**He agreed to text or email, even if it just meant receiving them and arranging a time to call to nut out the bits & pieces. He is shocking at replying. Today I chose to text. Cos it was early and he tends to respond to text more often. He now says "NO MORE TEXTS! It's like deciphering a code, EMAIL ONLY" ~ From the man that thinks email is evil!

Here is our communication today.
Me : "Hi. Do the kids need anything specific packed? Whats best time to drop stuff off?"
AH : " No. Drop them at 6"
Me: "That's wot time it starts isn't it." referring to the disco here, as I had passed related info onto him
AH: "Make it 5.30 then"
AH: "Swimmers & towles too" yes that is his typo *snigger*

**Now, he did use the term 'them'....but I used the term 'stuff'....we were married for over 7 years, I would hope he knows that I would not refer to my kids as STUFF. Maybe I should have picked up on this....but I was in lala land that HE was picking the kids up from school. AS ARRANGED. AS HAD BEEN DONE SINCE WE NUTTED OUT THE BITS & PIECES IN MEDIATION.

But of course it is ALL MY FAULT.
I feel awful.
But at the same time, I don't feel I was in the wrong. I don't even think he was entirely in the wrong. I don't think he would leave the kids to fester at school any more than I would. But I do wish he would grow up, stop trying to cover his arse, apportion blame to everyone BUT him, and finally just get on with things.

AND stick to what was agreed upon!

OH.MY.FUCKING.GOD!
MY KIDS WERE LEFT STRANDED AT SCHOOL!

Going to get a stiff drink now

K xx

A little known addiction of mine......

2008-03-14T16:28:00.003+11:00

Black Heels to Tractor Wheels: A Love Story

Grab yourself a drink....or 10...... wine is my preference....and get real comfy.....

I cried today, Romance is alive I tells ya!

I check in at least daily to see if there is an update, beats any soap opera or Mills & Boon novel hands down.....not that I've ever read a Mills & Boon novel.....
You will understand....if you haven't already indulged.....and I bet you can't get enough :-)

"You're a nice looking girl, it won't take long to find someone new..."

2008-03-12T17:53:00.003+11:00

I don't know HOW many times I have heard that since I separated from the AH.
And I don't get it.
From strangers, from aquaintences, from friends, from family.
Is being single a disease I have yet to hear of?
Does HE need replacing?
Do I need to be in a relationship to be happy?
Why do people think I need to find another man?
I'm not totally opposed to the idea, but fuck! It's been 4 months (in 4 days), why do people say this.
Or "I'm a nice girl......"
It's a bit of a backhanded compliment really.
I'm nice & good looking apparently, but I won't be whole until I find that elusive other half.
Half my problem's stemmed from me not being "good enough for *insert any reason on this earth*"
I kinda want to rediscover ME.
I want to enjoy being ME.
And know that I am OK just the way I am.
Without any outside influence interrupting that process.
Whenever I say "Oh I'm really not interested in finding anyone new"
I get a weird look, and then a knowing smirk (what am I missing?), and "Oh maybe not yet, but you will!"
Uuuum yeah....but what's the rush!
Can anyone tell me....has my 7 years out of the single-scene made me miss something?

The kids are still struggling.

2008-03-09T01:08:00.002+11:00

After a lull, and life happening, and mediation, and shit happening, and life moving on, and getting complacent......the kids are still struggling with our separation!
E ended up in tears the other night, asking why dad wasn't here, and why he wasn't coming back, at bedtime....gosh those first few weeks were hard! But I am in a better place now. But it still took me by surprise! Poor baby was distraught! But I feel more 'distant' from it now. I used to want to avoid these discussions cos it hurt too much....I just wanted to slam the bastard for screwing hookers, To be honest. So I wanted to avoid these conversations with the kids. I still find them hard. But I just let her know we both love her, which she hopefully knows...God I hope she knows....and that we are still a family...we just live apart. Lots of hugs..... I HOPE I am doing the right thing.
DS said to me tonight, "Why did dad move out of our house?"....like he had no idea....what am I doing wrong? He internalises a lot....but the way he asked was like he had just woken up and realised his dad was gone! I explained that daddy & I just didn't get along anymore, and this way we were happier & so they would be happier. He asked me if I still loved his dad!!!!! After he had just explained that the reason that he and his 'girlfriend' for the last 2 years had split up (too cute....she is now girlfriend to his best mate, which is fine apparently lol) was because SHE didn't KNOW that he loved her awwwwww! I couldn't say no. I don't want to lie to my kids. I said "yes of course I still love him" "He is your dad! He is the father of MY kids! I will always love him, we just can't live together"
The funny thing is, I started that sentence thinking I was lying, and by the end of it, I realised I was telling the truth....how does that work.
I don't have much affection for the bloke, hell I don't even LIKE him, but for the simple fact HE IS MY KIDS FATHER, I will always have 'something' for him. Even if it is only for the benefit of my kids.
His dick can still fall off!
Shouldn't affect him being a dad right!
In the meantime, pray my kids are OK, & I do the right thing by them....I really feel I'm just playing by ear ATM.
K xx

Frugal Menu Plan...

2008-02-15T17:56:00.002+11:00

Haven't done a menu plan for a while, but I'm really stretching the dollars atm so I did one up yesterday, trying to focus on what I already had in the freezer/pantry, without it getting too boring....
So here we go:
Thurs: Chops & veg (let kids pick the veg so was carrot, asparagus, beans & mashed spuds)
Fri: Hotdogs (have heaps of hotdogs in the freezer, bought the buns at Aldi 3 for 90cents)
Sat: Spag bol (all ingredients here)
Sun: Kids at the AH's for dinner, I'll do toasted foccacia or Lean Cuisine type job.
Mon: Roast Chook & veg & gravy (bought all ingredients, but a kids fave, plus with only 3 of us the meat stretches)
Tue: "Easy" nuggets, chips & salad, or premade frozen homemade pizzas etc
Wed: Kids at their dads....see above.
Thurs: Chicken pasta bake. (Chicken from roast, all other ingredients on hand)
Fri: Kids at their dads, see above
Sat: Chicken soup & toasties (Made from roast carcass, other ingredients on hand, this is new, we don't normally "do" soup)
Sun: Quiche (ingredients on hand....kids new to quiche but didn't mind it last time, and it's good for my lunches the next 2 days)
Mon: Steak & veg (Steak on hand, veg bought)
Tue: "Easy" see above
Wed: Kids at AH's (see above)

I still spent $150 on groceries.....which is good, but feel I can still do better. DD was home sick, which didn't help, but I was good and her requests only added another $10 or so.

My fridge/freezer/pantry are well stocked, so hopefully next f/night I can bring it down even more..... I just struggle with a bit of seperated parent guilt/competition & getting food into them that they like & is generally healthy too as the AH stocks them up on junk.

K

Who'd have smart kids????

2008-02-14T20:00:00.004+11:00

My motherly muck-ups are too numerous too mention.....
At this stage in their growth & development they happen all too frequently.....especially with DS...he's such a nosey bugger....
I remember a few times where I found him 'reading' things....things I wrote in my diary, things on notepads, over my shoulder on the internet.......I forgot the little blighter could read now, and it took me a while to realise and take precautions. I am more careful.
But this morning made me realise just how careful I have to be....with everything....he is too switched on.
I am a MAD Matchbox 20/Rob Thomas fan (chose concert tickets over my childrens education..... well kinda lol), and they have a song called *ALL YOUR REASONS*, I would link but not sure about copyright. Anyhoo, this has been my ANTHEM to the AH.
On the way to school this AM, my phone rang, and as it was in my bag, on the back seat, DS grabbed it, and it started with this song, which the kids know & love, lol. We missed the call with all the scrambling, but I said to the kids "Oh don't worry, it was dad returning E's call, we'll speak to him tonight"
DS pipes up "How do you know it was dad?"
ME : 'Oh cos I put that song on for when dad calls"
DS: 'Oh....why?"
ME: "ummmm just so I know when it's your dad, not someone else"
DS: " Oh, I know......you & dad broke up so you don't want to hear all his reasons"
ME : GULP! maybe I should change ring tones "Ummm no, I just like that song"
DS: (singing)" What you got, I don't need it, I can't listen, to all your reasons..."
"No....it's because you don't want to listen to him, isn't it?"
ME: " So what have you got happening in school today?"

Time to change my ringtone I think!

I have heard you can get "oinks", do you think he'd figure that out?
LOL

K

Yet another brain spew ~ mediation.

2008-02-12T17:35:00.000+11:00

We finally had our mediation today.
My anxiety was wreaking havoc, and I was shaking like a leaf the first hour, and then intermittently thoughout the proceedings, when something touched a nerve. But I stood my ground, did not excuse myself, and managed to get across most of the points I wanted to make.
I REALLY wanted us to start doing alternate weekends, but I didn't get it :-( But it will start once the AH gets his own place. He made a fuss on how hard it was at his parents, which I do understand, but still, it's hard to plan trips to see friends and family when I only have a day to play with. These can be negotiated though, with 'his' nights made up during the week.....so we'll see how we go.
Most other things got sorted & it's all written down. We have the opportunity to formalise it, through the courts, but I think we'll play it by ear for now, hopefully we won't have to go down that route.
One of our 'agreements' with regard to the weekends was setting set times for changeover, and for each of us to have equal weekend time. So now it goes Friday school pick up until 7pm Saturday ~changeover ~ until 7pm Sunday. Which was a lot better than what I was getting before, where he would pick them up lunch Saturday & have them till whenever he felt like bringing them back on Sunday. It basically made my chance of doing weekend stuff with them impossible. It also gave a set time so it was clear who was providing dinner. Then we rotate who gets the Friday night & who gets the Saturday night. That sounds fucking complicated, bit it's not really.
He also has them every Wednesday night....and I stipulated that it should be his responsibility to pick the kids up then......that went down like a fucking Lead Balloon....but it was agreed upon. (Previously I was picking them up at 3.15pm from School racing them home, feeding & dressing them, ready for him to pick them up at 4pm ~ maybe I'm pedantic, but I think Co-parenting means all the mundane stuff as well as the fun IYKWIM)
He also admitted to feeding them crap all the time, claimed it wasn't his fault, it was his mums (re/lollies, softdrink etc) I told him to grow some balls. But then he came back and said they have to eat takeaway because he can't expect his mum to cook all their meals..... WTF MORON!!! YOU cook you idiot! You managed whilst I was pregnant, you can do a BBQ, you have access to a kitchen.......what will be your excuse once you are in your place? That mummy isn't there to cook for you.....FUCKING GROW UP!
I'm soooo exhausted.....I feel like I was pulled apart & slapped back together again, and someone put my brain in my arse by accident!
We spoke briefly outside the mediation about the furniture he wants.....no worries.....I just wish he'd take all his other CRAP! There is still clothes in the cupboard, not to mention his fucking Biographies on Mass murderers, and boxing & Miami Vice DVD collections, and fucking Mike Tyson pictures.....I'll miss them like a hole in the head!
We also arranged that he'd have the kids tonight rather than Wednesday as he is going away for work tomorrow, he said he's email me the time he's pick them up. I emailed asking when he was due back, and whether he wanted Friday or Saturday night this week. His response was that he was busy at work (no worries) so would pick them up at 5pm tonight. And that he gets back Saturday, and he would pick them up at 3-4pm & drop them home Sunday at 6pm!!!! WTF We just sorted this in mediation!!!!
I email him back, stating what we had just agreed to in mediation ~ NO RESPONSE! This is something that was also brought up in mediation, his lack of response to my emails/messages....
When he picked the kids up I asked if he got my email, he says no.... I sent it at 3.30pm....he'd been working until 4.45????? WHY or yet another lie & power play?
I wanted to punch him in the head, but instead I just said
"Well I guess you will read it in the morning and can respond then?"
FUCKING CONTROLLING LYING PIECE OF SHIT I WISH YOU A GANGRENOUS DICK!

Oh but I did get a roaring good laugh at the end of mediation, although I did try to contain myself.

Just as we were leaving he said that he "Wanted forewarning, when (my) boyfriend....I mean....future partner moves in with" me......LOL....He is soooo convinced I have a new boyfriend....well he was convinced that when I was in the grips of full blown agoraphobia, and couldn't check my own letterbox, that I was having an affair, so it's not that surprising. I just said, shaking my head, that I feel that goes both ways..... Then we shook hands with the moderators, and walked out, then my phone beeps....and it was the "Stalker".....I tried to stifle my laughter, but the look on his face was PRICELESS!

I can only guess as he was standing behind me that he probably saw the message, which said...
"I'll see you at 6.30pm sexy"

ROFLMAO!!!!!!

**Thought I should add a quick disclaimer....Stalker is NOT my boyfriend in any way, shape or form....he is just hopeful (and hasn't got a chance BTW)....and playful....and sends me random texts, or we chat occassionally (not normally in this context), which have no substance just friendly-like you know, just the timing on this one was incredibley funny. And NO! I was not seeing him at 6.30pm!

My Gay Kiwi Stalker

2008-02-09T19:53:00.000+11:00

Let me set the scene....
My good friend 'N" & I went out....her friend 'A' managed to tag along.
N is happily married, and A is someone she knows through "kid-stuff". A is divorced. A got wind that N was going out with her newly seperated friend and somehow managed to wiggle himself a spot on the night LOL
Anyhow, we hop on the train, after I convince her NOT to cach a cab to The Cross from Richmond, and we head to Parra with roadies in hand, giggling and carrying on after 5 hours at the local pub, many beers & shots of Cock Sucking Cowboys *shudder*.
There is one other lonely train traveller in our carriage, and he is obviously taking delight in our carry on, whilst chatting on his phone.
Eventually N, who is definately not backwards in coming forward, starts chatting to this lone traveller, and convinces him to ignore his plans & come to wherever we are going.
When we all first started chatting, N whispers "he's gay!"
Then he said "sex" when he meant 6!
I whispered "no! he's Kiwi"
He then announced that we weren't whispering and he was, in fact, neither!
N also decides that at Blacktown, that we can no longer deal with trains so must catch a cab.
So we cab it to Parramatta, to the pub/club we used to frequent 8 years ago....my how it has changed...just like us, it is no longer hip & happening, but a seedy little dive!
Lone Gay Kiwi was a riot!
I hadn't laughed that hard in ages!
I also hadn't danced that hard in ages, mocking all the other idiots in the place, that was until I said "look at me!" and fell flat on my face! Literally!
I'm all class I tell ya!
Anyway Lone Gay Kiwi was having a ball, as were we, so we ALL exchanged numbers.
Now I have a stalker!
He isn't Lone. He has a girlfriend.....sort of!
He isn't Gay. His explicit messages prove that.
He isn't a Kiwi. He is Scottish!
But he won't stop texting me, and calling me! He lures me with a joke, then he continues....unless he is on a date with his "kind of" girlfriend.
40 texts the next day! STALKER!!!!

It is over 2 weeks and he still contacts me.......
STALKER!

He's on a date tonight, so I should be right for a while....but NOTE TO SELF: DO NOT GIVE OUT YOUR NUMBER NO MATTER WHAT......Funny Gay Kiwis can be stalkers too!

Be careful what you wish for!

2008-02-08T13:57:00.000+11:00

At the start of this year I set myself some goals for 2008. Nothing major. Didn't write them down. Just from some conversations I had with me, myself & I.
1. Quit smoking ~ the reasons for this are obvious.
2. Be good to myself ~ after all the shit I've been through with depression & agoraphobia, I think this one is really important, plus I deserve it after having the fucking life sucked out of me by AH.
3. Lose the niggly 5-6 kgs that still remains ~ I've never been huge, not in my genetic make-up I think. But since starting my current medication I put on about 8 kgs, and I was already about 3 or so over what I deem my "ideal weight". I am also not a dieter, so my plan to do this was just basics....eat better & exercise more.....well just exercise....saying 'more' implies I already do some lol.....aparrently housework doesn't count!

So I start the first 4 weeks of 2008 ignoring all of the above. Smoking heavier than ever, going out & drinking & eating too much, gorging myself on chocolate & ice cream & sour cream mmmmmm sour cream...... Sleeping in, watching movies, no exercise....unless you count my drunken stagger all over the Rocks & down George St with my sis on Australia Day, or me dancing like a lunatic with N at 2am in a seedy Parramatta club.....but I think my inability to move for 48 hours after these events negated any good it might have done.....and I digress....

So we move into week 5 and I get sick........ Thank god the kids were with the AH cos I don't even think I could have mustered the strength to throw a packet of Twisties in their general direction..... If I had had the strength I would have moved my bed next to the toilet, cos dammit it's a long walk when your dehydrated with a jackhammer going in your head and you are trying desperately not to leave a trail of spew & ...well we won't go there....all the way up the hallway and through the kitchen........ at one stage I did take a snooze on the floor of the office......I just couldn't manage the walk.......I've never known cold white hard tiles to be so comforting.....or was I dreaming that...

After 48 hours I was OK.

Then I got a sore throat....then a cold.....then all I could do was sleep....and sip fluids.....and sleep....and sweat.....and freeze......and sleep....and shake.......and freeze.......and well you get the picture. Then it hurt to breathe......then the cough came.....and then my arms ached...then my legs.....then my head....then my back......and my pulse was constantly over 100....which I couldn't work out as I was too sick to be anxious.....
When I couldn't shake it off after 4/5 days I dragged my arse to the dr....who seems to automatically assume it's my depression.....who was quite shocked that Yes! I Was Actually Sick! I have/had Acute Bronchitis with an infection somewhere.....I forgot exactly where now....so I'm on Anti-biotics (ugh!) and am starting to feel human again.....but I'm now coughing a LOT more, which makes me almost pass out!

So where was I going with this......oh that is right.....I stepped on the scales yesterday and I have lost 4.5 of those pesky kilos!!!!!

I need to get sick more often.......or not!

It has also reinforced the need to quit the fags. During all this I was still able to smoke, it didn't hurt (except that first night with the sore throat), it didn't irritate my lungs or start me coughing, which actually scares me more than if it had.

Oh and I was good & looked after me. (Kinda didn't have a choice, but it still counts right?)

2 outta 3 aint bad!

I'm crap at this bloggy stuff.....

2008-01-23T15:14:00.001+11:00

I shouldn't be, I actually was studying HTML a few years ago, but it all vanished with the pooey nappies me thinks.

I wanted to add some of the blogs I like to visit....so finding that bit was easy enough....but it looks ugly...will work on it some more when my brain is working a bit better....if you're missing let me know.....there are more to add, but I really have wasted enough time on here today.

Oh and I'm not very good at bloggity etiquette, so I am *assuming* it is ok to do what I did.......Please send hatemail if it is not......I'm not getting much lately and miss it.

Oh and this took aggggges because my computer kept freezing...not sure if it was bloggers fault or just windows......

K

AH SPEW!

2008-01-17T19:24:00.000+11:00

We don't speak!
He makes me sick!
He tries to speak & I just get the shits!
He rang tonight to say goodnight to the kids, as per usual, but this time he asked to speak to me afterwards *shudder* I HATE THAT!
I had emailed him to sort out kidstuff, to halt his control issues regarding drop offs & pick ups, and expected a reply, got none, so I texted him stating I assumed he agreed due to no reply, and nominating my 'dinner day' with the kids. He has had them a lot since our return to Sydney and has them for the week, next week, & I wanted a dinner before they were gone for that long.
Anyhoo, he gets on the phone, and for a fucking change is quite amicable, so we organise the next few days, a few alterations with him backing off a bit for a change.
THEN HE STARTS FUCKING CRYING!!!!! CRYING!!!!! OH.MY.FUCKING.GOD.THE.MAN.OF.NO.EMOTION!!!!!

BRING OUT THE VIOLINS!

He has it soooo hard, living at his parents, yadayadayada, because when DS was sick & DD got upset cos she had to come home early and his mum....his mum....as usual the story cut short & I never found out what the fuck he was on about there. Just like when he rang on the eve of my mum starting chemo, whilst I was away, throwing around accusations about me & my XBIL! "How dare I? I can't tell his sister! He shoulda known!" Pfft, I STILL don't know what the fuck he was on....or on about! And he still won't tell me! I did plead....I told him not only I, but my entire family, would like to know what I'd done.....NOTHING! Only silence....the rare silence I get.
Then about work....and his pay....and how fucking HARD life is....some things NEVER change!
Then the classic..
Do I ever sit alone at night and wonder why he did what he did?
Yes I sit many nights moaning about him & what a loss I have endured & and how he has hurt me to my core & how I will never recover & how it was all my fault & how I could have done things differently....

NOT!

Easy answer buddy..."So you could get your dick wet?"

Yes but "WHY????"

Why doesn't matter mate, you did it! FULL STOP! END OF STORY!

Then he started the dribble of all I had done wrong!

Uuuum I was going through the fucking toughest year (more actually) of my life with agoraphobia, whilst you were out FUCKING prostitutes and paying for Viagra just so you could keep it UP!
You spent most of your time at home passed out.....was I supposed to rape you? What was there to find you attractive? Physical attractiveness left years ago....emotional attractiveness & intamacy followed shortly after.....but it was MY FAULT?!?!?!

AND....

Well.....

basically....

It does not matter anymore....you did the unforgiveable....MOVE ON ARSEHOLE!

If your life sucks....well you deserve it!
Go find a hookers shoulder to cry on.....you have no other fucking bills now, so why not!

Meanwhile I need to feed & clean the kids, so I'll see you in the morning when I drop them off at your place!

FARKING ARSEHAT!
K

Funny as a fart in an elevator!

2008-01-16T21:56:00.000+11:00

I've had a crappy time since my sojourn to visit my family down south. Obviously I'm not quite up to scratch yet. I was ignored, disrespected, bitched about, put down, humiliated...all the usual shit really...acceptance in my family is one of our biggest issues....from everyone whether they admit it or not....and then some go and do the exact same thing to me that hurts them most...go figure!

Pffft Family! Who'd have em'

Since my return to the delightful (purge!) city of Sydney, I've had crap from THE ARSEHOLE....the Child Support...the constant flow of bills from him...my inability to mother...my inability...FULL STOP! FARK ORF!

My kids have me on the edge!

My house has me in misery!

My pension has advised me I should have looked for work whilst I was away! Yah! thanks for the notice!

I'm struggling with the shared parenting thing again.

SOOO...tonight I thought "fuck them all and then some!"

Kids are at the AH's

I MADE myself go out despite feeling disgusting.......my foot's fucked, my back is up shit creek without a paddle, I'm tired, I'm crampy minus PMT, my bowels aren't being kind and I'm swaying between Marion Jones on a high then a fucking Codeine Junkie....I Just want to get off....the world I mean....although the other probably wouldn't do any harm....

So I cleansed my face, and threw a mask on....just one going mouldy in the cupboard...the peel off kind! Then decided I'd go all out and do a mini-pedicure...so grabbed the bucket, coffee/chocolate foot soak, filled it up. Dug out some foot-scrub that apparently has diamonds in it, my foot scrubber. my GOLD heel balm (my feet are just nasty ~ thanks mum)....then I found a peel-off mask for my hands, and some nail polish I forgot I had. (Light pink for my fingers....it is now on, and I remember why I forgot it, it is awful!!!!!! Did I chuck it....nooooo....back in the cupboard for next time I get excited & think it would look lovely)

Anyhoo....I digress....

Whilst my 'mask' is drying, I soak my feet, & scrub & soak & scrub & watch TV & talk on the phone.....all the while I am un-knowingly picking at the edges of my face mask.....the peel off one.....pick, watch, pick, scrub, soak, pick, talk, watch, pick........

Then, my feet were done, moisturised, soft....lurvely...so I meander....alll relaxxxxed now...into the bathroom and....

ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!

I swear I heard that stabbing music they used in old horror movies!!!!!

But then FUCK I LAUGHED SO FUCKING HARD I HAD TO TWINKLE!

And you know what....my foot stopped hurting...so did my back....I felt 29 again....

Can you just see me skipping through the daisies?

Then my father rang!

And well, I need say no more! Back to feeling 50, although with a smoother face, softer hands, and feet that don't rip up the floorboards....for now :-)

MERRY CHRISTMAS!

2007-12-24T21:42:00.000+11:00

Yes no whinging or whining or negativity or bitchiness....the xmas spirit finally bit me :-)

Hope you all have a wonderful day!

HO HO HO

Awww shit who am I kidding....I couldn't help myself....

K

Life sucks & then you die!

2007-12-23T21:54:00.000+11:00

:-(
Just found out my mums cancer news is not good.
She probably won't make it through the year. She is starting Chemo again in January, but the dr isn't really positive about her body coping with it. It's at the point where if the cancer doesn't kill her, the treatment probably will.
I just spoke to her, and in all honesty, she sounded like shit! Tired and old....... My step father isn't coping well apparently, he's always been the upbeat, positive, stereotypical Aussie Larrikin. I think reality has hit, and he is a broken man. I didn't get a chance to speak to him, but I spoke to my sister K, and she told me everything.
There is soo much shit going on in my family. 2 estranged daughters. Nasty stuff. Stuff that needs to be sorted. Sad shit! If they can all just get past the anger & hurt, maybe it isn't too late...but I'm afraid it may be too late....for 1 sister anyway.....
After much indecision, I decided today, prior to getting the above news, I wouldn't go to mums for xmas day. For a few reasons.....the main being resistance from the ArseHole...2ndly J has come down sick today, I think it may be what E had a week ago, so could well last up to a week & may get worse in between (not great for a 6+ hour drive), 3rdly E's b'day is on 1/1 and her fandangle present is in getting repaired (hopefully), so I kind of have to stay put to find out what's going on with that. If I go to Albury, I need to stay at least a week to make it worth it. And 4thly....finally....I have my gyno appointment on the 7th....to see if AH has infected me from his romping with trollops! I had to wait 7 weeks for the appointment, I really don't want to wait another 7.
Gosh! that all sounds rather shallow!
I will be going down, but most likely in the 2nd week of Jan. That is when mum starts treatment. She most likely won't be sick from the first lot, so that should be OK. (Oh and by that I don't mean I don't want to be there to look after her, it's more that the kids can be quite taxing on her, and she doesn't need that IYKWIM.
At some time in the next few days I need to ring and try & reason with the 2 'estranged' sisters...sigh....
Right now I need to go wrap some presents now the kids are asleep. Turn on my xmas lights to try and get some semblance of peace & joy. I had apathy towards xmas before....now any spirit that was tucked deep down inside has been drained completely....and here I was thinking 2008 had to be better.....
At least I've been put in my spot!
I can live with no air-con in the car, a dodgy washing machine, an AH for an EXH.....my mum....well that's another story....despite all our differences......OK getting teary now....time to move on and focus....just for the next few days....

Hug your loved ones!
K

Bow to my cake making prowess!

2007-12-22T10:57:00.000+11:00

Yay it's party day!

Here's E's cake....

I think it was the easiest one I've ever done...she's happy, so I'm happy!

And J's from his 7th party in September.... (because I was a slack mum and never got around to posting it)

This was HARD...well more time consuming, than difficult. When I finished it I waltzed outside for a well deserved ciggie and glass of wine, only for AH to stick his elbow in Barts head!!!! Oooooh I was SUCH a happy camper THAT night! And apparently I had no right to go off...pfft...and trust me, I contained myself as the kids were around, so he got lucky, I didn't say a 100th of what I was REALLY thinking! I did fix it. But it was difficult as AH had a rare attack of domesticity and washed up all the icing bowls (you know the ones you keep in case of an accident)..... Positive is he isn't here to ruin this one ;-)

Best go, and get prettied up, need a coffee first.....

I crack myself up!

2007-12-21T18:02:00.000+11:00

The kids have been collecting paddle pop sticks for the lick-a-prize. They have HEAPS but not a full word.
J was showing his dad how many they had, and I was standing near him...
J: "look dad, we've nearlly got a holiday"
AH: "yeah, that's great!"
J: "see we've got heaps of 'ho's" as he shuffles the sticks.....
Me: sniggering :"Yeah heaps of Ho's" BIG CHEESY GRIN AT AH

Then another conversation where J was showing AH a xmas card he received at school...
J: "Look I'll read it.... HO HO HO....Merry Christmas"
Me: giggling madly....
Confused look from AH
Me: "Don't you get it....HO HO HO.....maybe you should get some, Santa's so jolly"

That's about all from me ATM, I'm so exhausted I could puke!

Have to make E's b'day cake but it's soooo damn hot here right now, the icing will melt....so I think it's gonna be a late one again! I'm a real smart woman, planning my daughters b'day party 3 fucking days before xmas, and I'm sooooooooo behind on xmas because of all the shit with dickwad. I don't even know if I've got everything...

Oh and fucking Murphy's back! On the hottest day we've yet had this summer, my fucking air con in the car goes!!!!! I ring around like a mad woman, but everyone is closing early, for drinks.....for like 3 weeks....so I have to sweat my arse off in a Sydney heat wave.
We won't even mention the washing machine, or the total fuck up with my daughters birthday present....another fucking post I think I will dedicate to Murphy! (scum-sucking arse hat that he is!) Gawd that will be long!

2008 has GOT to be better!

K

Another nephew :-)

2007-12-16T21:25:00.000+11:00

Calwell came 1st in NSW/ACT
2nd in the nationals.
He is hard to find, but at the start he is the far right, front row....with the crew cut....he's a mad krumper ;-) (probably spelt that wrong....I am just an uncool aunty afterall...). The ACT has unreal dance opportunities for boys...Hip/hop....Funk....
I saw him live when they competed and the judges were just gushing.....was awesome :-)

http://au.youtube.com/watch?v=xhaFdAT4Ku0

If xmas was run by the public service

2007-12-14T12:55:00.000+11:00

http://by113w.bay113.mail.live.com/mail/ReadMessageLight.aspx?Action=ScanAttachment&AllowUnsafeContentOverride=False&AttachmentIndex=0&AttachmentDepth=0&FolderID=00000000-0000-0000-0000-000000000001&InboxSortAscending=False&InboxSortBy=Date&IsMessageSafe=True&MessageCodePage=20127&ReadMessageId=2820bd1f-6eb9-4379-a900-e46e334b7f80&n=1263214101

My nephew is the tall boy with the big hair :-D

2007-12-11T23:09:00.000+11:00

http://youtube.com/watch?v=3wa7-v90mkI

Hope that works :-)

Gosh! U would think I was anti-men or something....

2007-12-11T18:38:00.000+11:00

A woman just gave birth to a baby in a hospital.

As soon as she’d recovered, the doctor came to speak to her:

“Your baby is in good health, but there’s something important I need to tell you….”

The woman became worried:

“What’s the matter with my baby,…..tell me please, what’s wrong?”

“There’s nothing really wrong, but your baby is a little…..different. He’s a hermaphrodite.”

“Hermaphrodite??? What is that???”

“Well….. it means your baby is….that he has all the equipment of a man and also that of a woman!”

The woman pales.

“OH MY GOD!!!!”
“You mean he has a penis AND a brain?”

VIAGRA

2007-12-03T13:01:00.000+11:00

LOL my gorgeous sister sent me this.....I am SOOOOOOOOO tempted to send it to the ARSEHOLE!

In pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name. For example, the trade name of Tylenol also has a generic name of Acetaminophen. Aleve is also called Naproxen. Amoxil is also called Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen.

The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin. Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin.
Pfizer Corp. Announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of "cocktails", "highballs" and just a good old-fashioned "stiff drink". Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of:
MOUNT & DO.
Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.
If you don't send this to five old friends right away there will be five fewer people laughing in the world.

Edited to add: OOps I sent it to the arsehole.....he majorly pissed me off tonight!!!! I have told him again and again, do not speak to me yet he chooses do so~ sigh ~ so he deserved it. My name : Myhookaneedsahardwun, Myprodusintchargebythaminit, MyhoIpaybythahour, Bygrogitsflatbyviagitsnot..... OK so not very creative tonight ;-)
But I did try!
And what's the bet I wake up in the middle of the night with THE.BEST.NAME.EVAH!
Then I'll fall back asleep and forget!

AESEHAT!

and it has happened.....

2007-11-29T12:17:00.000+11:00

....I FUCKING HATE HIM!

Until now I didn't feel hate....but I do now!

Fucking arsehole wants to be here xmas morning....*let* me have them for a few hours and then have them all afternoon and evening!!!! With HIS family....whilst I sit here and fucking rot!

Arsehole!!!!

I can't reply to his email yet as I'll just go ballistic!

I hope his dick falls off & he rots in hell!

My old friend insanity whispered in my ear...

2007-11-26T19:32:00.000+11:00

I found the Viagra on Thursday 1/11/07
I found the cold hard evidence on Friday 2/11/07
I didn't expect finding it to be so easy. I honestly thought I'd be searching for months...at least weeks....but it was easy....and had actually been staring me in the face for over a year. I really believe I weren't MEANT to find it until now. A year ago I was a mess. I was housebound from the agoraphobia, and was struggling to keep my head afloat, I was in the worst depression, and was in no state to do ANYTHING if I had known the truth.
Those 10 days, from when I found out, but he had no idea, to the day he left for his work trip, are all a bit of a blur. I rememeber my anxiety was sky-high....I remember realising I hadn't left the house for days, except for school runs, which were getting harder & harder...I realised I HAD to leave the house. I FORCED myself to go shopping...it was awful....like the early days, but I knew it was something I had to do. I was in regular contact with 2 of my sisters, and my best buddy. It eventually got easier.
I remember driving somewhere at one stage, and I literally thought I had lost my mind! I was just driving aimlessly, no idea where I was going or what I was doing, I was at the brink....I was going to somehow drive to Westmead Psych unit and admit myself. I didn't though. But it crossed my mind a few more times.
Those first few days I was desperate for him not to know what I knew, and my efforts resulted in us having discussions like we hadn't in years. They were great talks....the very thing I've craved in our sorry marriage....but they were FAKE! I even felt sorry for him a few times....but mostly I was sad & angry.... my sister thought I was developing Tourettes(sp?) syndrome...as every time he spoke to me I would SCREAM "HOOKER" in my head, and quite often I would reel back..."Fuck did I say that out loud?" LOL
My anxiety did me in a few times....I would cope with the day quite well, but the thought of him coming home did my head in! And then when he was here, I found it increasingly difficult to play happy families. I opted for easy meals & take away, which meant I didn't have to sit across a table from him, I could barely stomach any food anyway! I burnt or ruined nearlly every meal I did manage to cook too....lol
I lost 5kgs!
He was supposed to leave on Tuesday 13th, but he left on Monday....Holy Fuck was I relieved! I didn't care why? I just knew every day he was there with me knowing and him having no idea, but *maybe* finding out...was sending me closer & closer to the edge!
I went out for Melbourne Cup....which resulted in me not being spoken to for near a week, because Joe's cousins, aunties sisters, nieces, best friends dad's uncles mother said that a 50 year old guy said that I looked like a famous swimmer!!! Yeah...great logic in that one!
(I had a great day though....despite not being picked up by a 50yr old...and it did me the world of good!)
WE fought BIG before he left...and I often brought up..."are you hiding anything?" "How long since you've had sex?"....without actually saying I KNEW anything.......and I've never claimed he was the brightest of the species....but he was clueless....but still denied everything, and repeatedly told me HE was innocent of all wrong doing!
FUCKWIT!
I mean there is DUMB & DUMBER....but where the fuck does he come in......Patrick?
See Spongebob squarepants if you don't understand. ROFL
And if you have a dumber reference...please let me know....Cos whatever braincells the man has left is sure to be sucked up my his next drink....or shot out with his next hit of Viagra with a twist of HOOKER!

Note to others....If you have a panic attack in the limo as it's pulling up to the church for your wedding...take it as a SIGN!

K

The whole sorry story......

2007-11-22T22:28:00.000+11:00

Well I am officially seperated, and a single mum wiff 2 kids......
On the 1st November DickHead went to work as per usual but left his laptop bag behind. His laptop was at work so he obviously didn't miss it. I decided to have a gander to see if his "secret credit card" statements were in there....Racking up $3000.00 a quarter on what???? But what did I find?? Yes I found some reminders from the secret credit card, but no statements...sigh...then I felt something in an area that didn't seem to have a pocket...ooooh a hidden pocket....ooooh VIAGRA!!!!! WHAT THE FUCK!!!!! The last time we were "together" was February...yes we have a truckload of issues....the prescription date was August 17....hmmmmm....3 out of 4 were gone....hmmmmmmm!
I ring my sister, shaking like a leaf....she says "Fred doesn't have the emotional maturity to carry on an affair" Good Point!
I don my detectives hat....I probably shouldn't say exactly what I did to find out....but BOY DID I FIND OUT! THE ARSE HAT HAS BEEN FUCKING HOOKERS FOR OVER A YEAR!!!! And who knows what else...or for how long....my records are limited. And what FUCK-KNOB BUYS VIAGRA TO FUCK A HOOKER!!!!! yeah a LOSER!!!!
As my psych said....he could have saved himself a mint on viagra if he'd stopped the 1 + bottle/s of scotch a day!!!! Fucking Moron!

I didn't know what to do or how to do it, so I said nothing! My previous attempts at leaving the marriage were met by threats, aggression & intimidation....I had to have a plan!

So we played happy family's, we ate too much "easy" food & take away, as the thought of sharing a table with him made me physically ill. We even went out to lunch with the kids at a pub, and he was wondering why my anxiety was sky-high. Every time he tried to kiss me, my skin crawled, and I had a mini-chuck! He even suggested we have sex (full blown vomiting that night I tell ya *shudder*). My 'moment' came though. He was going away for a whole week for work....a whole week! Hallejulah! I need a plan.

I had Homer Simpson moments...where I thought I had said out loud what I thought LOL that was funny.........

I spent my days organising who I had to speak to, making phone calls, gathering evidence, gathering support & spending as little time alone with him as possible! We had a huge fight the night before he left and I was soooooo tempted to just blurt it all out, instead it went like this...mid-fight...can't remember what started it....
F: "We haven't had sex in months, you won't even sleep in the same bed"
Me: "I wonder why" (Fat slob alcho selfish fuckwit)
F: " because I stink & I snore?"
Me: "Yep and you reek of alcohol" (ahhhh HOOKER!!!! arsehat!)
F: "We haven't had sex in 10 months!!!"
Me: "You haven't had sex in 10 months?" (FUCKING DISEASE RIDDEN MONKEY ARSE)
F: "Well 9....maybe 8...."
Me: "So YOU are telling me YOU haven't had sex in 8 months?" (SCUMSUCKING GUTTER SNAKE)
F: "Yeah well....8 or 9"
Me: *quietly* "Not 2 or 3" (Hope your fucking DICK falls off numbskull)
F: "What....3??? No what are you talking about?"
Me: " Why all the secrecy and paranoia lately?" (Should I cut your balls off with a blunt rusty knife first....or start with circumcision?)
F: "What are you talking about, we discussed this it's nothing"
Me: "So you've got nothing to hide?" (HOOKER!!!!)
F: "No, don't be silly"
Me: "So you can promise me that you are hiding NOTHING?" (HOOKERHOOKERHOOKERHOOKER)
F: "Yeah I promise...nothing"
Me: "OK fine" (FUCKWIT! You have fucked with me for the LAST time........hmmmm circumcision would be best.....nail clippers or the kids blunt craft scissors....decisions...decisions...HOOKER...ARSEHAT! )

:-D Bugger..... Arsehat now makes me smile....Damn you Kelly!

To be continued.....

DH = DICKHEAD

2007-11-12T11:36:00.000+11:00

Been AWOL lately....
Heaps of shit has been happening, I am married to a fucking arsehole, and it has taken ALL my strength just to get through each day sane....I'm still hanging on, but things are likely to get worse before they get better!
I would write more detail, but I seem to have a reader, and I'm paranoid it's HIM. I doubt it....but I have to think of every possibility!
I'm on the home stretch now.....well the home stretch of this phase!
Give me strength and patience to get through this nightmare!
Did I mention DH is a fucking arsehole? If not...he is!
He is away for work ATM, thank god!
K

Menu Plan

2007-10-23T12:51:00.000+10:00

As usual 2 easy + 2 takeaway.

Spag Bol with dinner rolls
Creamy tuna + basil Penne (new)
Homemade Pizzas
BBQ + salad (I generally choose meat that is on special)
Chicken Burritos
Roast Chook & veg
BBQ + salad
Spag Bol with garlic bread (I usually cook a double batch and freeze half)
Chicken + Basil Fried Rice (new)
Chicken Salsa + mashed spuds + veg

I have 2 new ones this week, trying to find inspiration through cookbooks. Also I really want to incorporate some fish into our meals, my kids have declared they hate tuna, even though I'm pretty sure they haven't tried it, but they love pasta, so I'll try and sneak it in that way :-) When I buy a chook to roast, I get a HUGE one, so the fried rice is a way to use the leftover meat, in a different way than the usual pasta bake I do.

We'll see how we go :-)

A also caved into my week long craving for sour cream yesterday.....lunch is cooking now and I can't wait to smother it in sour cream, mmmmmmmmmmm

Will start my diet tomorrow........bwahaha!

Kxx

Is this my lot in life?

2007-10-19T20:54:00.000+10:00

No I don't want to whinge.....and I'm no angel....I just want OUT!

Today was one of my house cleaning days, it's also the day I take the kids out for coffee, which is a nice ritual. Don't be under any illusions that we have D & M's, they usually involve them racing to see who can finish their drink first, and how many freebies they can get out of the shop-owners.....Whilst I enjoy my drink as much as possible, and try and extract some talk out of them lol. They make the best Mochas though :-) And the kids agree about their hot chocolates!
So Fridays are quite nice. Clean & Sparkly house, happy kids and happy mum!

Then HE arrives! He was late tonight, arriving about 6pm. Kids in bath, dinner cooking, sparkly house....all the things apparently important to him (Won't even go THERE right now).
But somethings up. He doesn't grab a drink. The thought goes through my mind that maybe...just maybe...he has chosen not to drink. I know we have money in the bank.....but that other thought is running through my mind.....He's had his fill already......What's coming next?

For the amount he drinks & for the time he's been drinking, and the time we've been married, I STILL cannot always tell if he's been drinking......Probablybecause he is always drinking.......

All we've said to each other thus far is hello....which is normal.....

As I'm finishing dinner I get the occasional glimpse of him in the lounge watching TV, one eyed, his flashing beacon to say he's full. Plus he still hasn't got a drink. Plus he keeps looking at me as if he wishes me dead.

At 6.30pm ( dinner was a bit late), I hear him telling DD to go to bed (????? their bedtime is 7.30-8.00 on a school night????). She laughs & says they haven't even had dinner yet, but he persists for a bit longer then gives up, and falls asleep (passes out).
Dinners ready so DD wakes him....I wish she didn't....he eventually staggers to the table, starts slamming stuff, shoving his food down his throat like a fucking caged animal. I keep my eyes lowered, I do not want to look at him. After he finishes eating he gets up and say he'll do the dishes in the morning...I said 'no worries, I'll finish them off, they are mostly done anyway'. Which was true, I didn't care, and as I'd washed as I went, there were only really the things we were using at the dinner table.
So he glares at me, muttering under his breath, and starts on the dishes, making as much noise as possible, and throws the dish cloths across the kitchen???? WTF!!!!!!!
Then he collapses on the lounge again to watch tv one eyed again.......The kids and I are still eating. (Gawd this gets my goat....I think it's so fucking rude! But that's another whinge.....)
After dinner & clean up, I had given the kids their normal 10min warning till bed, then went outside (I smoke). Next, I hear DH telling them to go to bed.....sigh...here we go..... Anyway the kids tell them they still had 10 mins, this goes back and forth a bit....Then he ROARS "WHO"S THE BOSS?"
The kids reply, in unison "MUM"
ROFL I did giggle for a minute on THAT one.....I have taught them well!
He gave up after that and retreated to his lounge & one-eyed TV watching, before passing out....before the kids 10mins were even up.

God is it any wonder I'm FUCKED UP! The uncertainty of which DH is coming home, drives me bonkers. I hate days like today the most I think, it raises my shackles when he doesn't get a drink as soon as he walks in the door, and I feel like I'm just waiting, and waiting, and trying not to set him off.

The kids are asleep now + I can relax a bit as he should be down for the count now. He'll wake up, but he'll grab his bottle of water and toddle off to bed.

Poor Mr Perfect, he's got it sooo tough. Yeat his drinking isn't an issue as he "is still productive". Productive at what though? Bringing in an income that can barely support his habit? Good for him! His marriage is a shambles, and there is nothing 'material' to show for all his hard work. He's only fooling himself.
And one day I WILL be strong enough to move on.
And one day his kids will realise that snippets of attention, random gifts, and their parents staying together at all costs don't add up to much in the grand scheme of things!

K

Shitty Day

2007-10-18T11:09:00.000+10:00

ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

It's 11am and I've only just been able to get myself to have a shower. I hate days like today. From the second my eyes opened I've been ultra anxious. Hate it! Days like today I actually want to have an anxiety attack, cos I just feel like I'm pent up to the point before climax, and the waiting, and the crazy thinking, and the jumpiness, and the internal screaming is just seconds from pushing me over the edge. But of course if you want a panic attack, it never comes! So I feel like I'm stuck at that awful phase, where it doesn't wane, but it won't peak either!

This too shall pass. This too shall pass. This too shall pass.

I need a plan, the house needs some work, and although that won't quell my anxiety, it will be a distraction, give me a small feeling of control, and will stop the "done nothing but pace the house guilts".

So first...
Finish my Morning Routine.
Wash the frypan, that DH apparently washed last night, grrrr

Then my Thursday stuff......lets see......
*computer maintenance
*ALL rubbish out
*change sheets...that can wait...it's too late and looks like rain.
*Filing....I think finding the computer desk would be a better use of my time.

I also NEED to do some relaxation.

I also need to, but not necessarily today...
*Open new ING account
*Download Ricki Lees new song to ipod for DS
*Find the camping recepts
*Find DS shinpads.

I really WANT to curl up in a ball and go to sleep, for a week or so :-(

First a cuppa.....
K xx

ahhhhh the tranquility.....

2007-10-15T13:14:00.000+10:00

Kids went back to school today and I did a little happy dance on the way home after drop-off :-) Then I came home and pumped up music with bad language, just cos I could, and cleaned!!!!
The holidays actually went well, and I miss them now....well a little bit lol
I actually did normal mum stuff, I did have to push myself, and I had quite a few about-to-lose-my-mind-strip-off-naked-and-run-down-the-street-screaming moments, and there were many fights & arguments & and me being told how awful I am, but apart from that, It was great :-D

First week we headed off camping down to beautiful Jervis Bay with my 2 sisters & and their kids. DH ended up coming too. But we all had a great time......our feet have ingrained dirt that I'm not sure will ever go away....but it was worth the feral feet. Kids had a blast catching crabs, going to the beach, fishing with DH, feeding all the gorgeous parrots that flock there, playing with the other kids, being feral (and being allowed lol), chasing kangaroos & wallabies, talking to the locals, going to the aboriginal story times.....and the list could go on and on..... Us adults drank too much, ate well, had siestas, and well....relaxed.
The cleanup was a nightmare when we got home....mainly cause I got to do 95% of it......but still worth it....we hope to do it again next year!

This 2nd week, the kids have caught up with their Sydney cousins a couple of times, I took them to the movies, shopping, the park, and the biggie.......
wait for it......

THE ZOO!!!! Yes I took them to the zoo all by myself! AND we took public transport!!!!
We had an awesome day, despite it being stinking hot, and there was trackwork, so it was close to a 2 hour trip each way. But the kids had a blast.....and more surprisingly so did I :-)

Due to all this fun & excitement, the house has slid to slum-like level.....and this is the main reason I was glad to see the end of school holidays....I know.....I can barely say it out loud....me....wanting....to....clean......

But I am also emotionally/mentally/physically exhausted....so I've got a plan....of sorts.....
Today's focus was to get the house to a level that I wouldn't die of embarrassment if someone popped over....so I dusted, vacced & mopped (first I had to find the floors though) and did a few room rescues, still need to put out a few fires and a room rescue or 2, but we are looking MUCH better.
Throughout the rest of the week I will focus a little more on the rooms that need them.

I also desperately need time-out. So I am making an effort to do my relaxation exercises a few times a day.....need some pampering too....will have to think more on that one. Oh and I watched the Young and the restless....beautiful mind numbing viewing ;-)

I've noticed I STILL haven't written about DS birthday and party :-( Bad Mummy!!!!! But with madness, illness, holidays and insanity....time has just ran away from me!
Maybe next time....best be off and do a bit more housework, and mindless tv viewing before pick up time

Anxious but improving...

2007-09-28T21:57:00.000+10:00

I've had 2 panic attacks this week! It has been a while, since I have had them, but I've done really well! The first was on Monday, I think, maybe Tuesday, and it was in the car alone, which is often the worst. It was bad, I was shaking so bad I couldn't hold my foot on the brake at the lights, so I had to put the car in park with the hand brake on. I was trying to do my breathing, but my main concern was the pain and new bruise on my forearm, which happened to be positioned above a vein, and had a lump......I don't really admit this freely....but I am kind of hypochondriac, except I no longer go to the dr over such trivial things.....I have in the past and it always came to nothing, so whilst I am convinced most of my woes are in my head, sometimes they do my head in!!!!
I was attempting to drive to Westfields (huge shopping centre) when I started getting anxious & sore, so I decided to go back home, then the panic attack hit, and there was no where I could pull off to the side of the road, and it escalated from there...but see I fed the anxiety by deciding to go home. I realised this, and happily went shopping the next day (allll day). I am also still tired ALLL DAY! I think this is partly due to the fact I was sick, partly to do with me having PMS, partly due to me not venturing out whilst sick (lost my mojo), and a big part because homelife has been unpredictable again. I never quite know if DH is going to come home abusive and angry.....or offering random kisses....or silent & resentful....so the walls go up and he wonders why!
Anyhoo...I had another today...home alone!!! which hasn't happened in donkeys!!! Again it was my arm, the blackening bruise, the loss of strength, the enlarged lump....*sigh*....really it is quite silly.
But again, I pushed myself through the fear barrier and I did some shopping, then cleaned the house, then some more shopping with the kids, then I took the kids to a party, and although I felt at times I was indeed going mad, I pushed on through, and even enjoyed some of it. I think I am finally *getting* that when push comes to shove....I can shove harder than the fear pushes....
I am finally getting to a point also, where I am able to walk out the front door, whether it be to check the mail, or go to the shops, or pick the kids up.... I don't have to spend half an hour preparing myself...I can do it....and even though I may feel apprehensive....I don't think thrice ( I do still think twice)...
Kids are feral I best be a mum and get them to bed :-D
K

I HAVE THE FLU!

2007-09-18T13:02:00.000+10:00

I never say I have the flu for a cold, and it irks me when other people say they have the flu, when they obviously have not! So this is a big admission from me.
WHY?
Because years ago I actually got the flu, and it saw me bedridden for 5 days only leaving for the toilet, meds, and water. The flu & the common cold are 2 totally separate and different illnesses.
Last Wednesday, I felt I was coming down with something, or just run down...or something...Then I spent Thursday - Sunday just struggling to get warm....but I still managed the kid stuff and the basics of keeping house.....my glands were huge, I was all clogged up and my eyes & nose wouldn't stop running. I had no cough. But I wasn't bedridden. So it wasn't the flu. Here I was in fairly mild weather in a gazillion layers of clothing, shivering under a feather doona, whilst everyone else was in t-shirts.....but it wasn't the flu. Yesterday I slept, I froze, I couldn't eat, I cried, I couldn't manage to cook dinner BUT I dropped the kids at school and picked them up, so it wasn't the flu.
Last night I woke up in cold sweats many times, kicking the doona off, then searching for a warm jumper & the doona, only to kick it off absolutely drenched a little later, and so the cycle continued, till at 6am I gave up and got up.
DH finally noticed I was sick (it's rocket science you see) and took over the kid-wrangling and got them to school, so I promptly downed some Nurofen to calm my pounding brain and aching body, and curled up on the lounge with my doona and slept some more....... and YES I do have the flu.....you see when I last had it I was bedridden....but I was also single & childless, and housework & cooking did not figure into my daily life.....so I was able to be bedridden.
Why am I on here now?
I just made some instant Thai Chicken soup to enable me to stop the empty tummy from rumbling and allow me to take more drugs. But that soup cleared my nasal passages a little, and reminded me that after all that sweating, I really cannot avoid a shower any longer.
Then I will try and sleep some more before hubby brings the kids home from school & takes DS to Softball training.
Usually sweating signifies the "break" to getting better....so hopefully I'll be back to my old self soon......but my nose is blocked again now......do I really have to have that shower?????
K

Menu Plan

2007-09-13T10:43:00.000+10:00

I've been flat out the last fortnight, so haven't had the energy or time to post.....

But here's this fortnights menu plan.
As usual easy x 2
And we'll do take away twice, as DS dance class is now later on Thursday, so we get home too late to cook.

Chicken Burritos
BBQ Honey Soy Chicken wings with salad + veg
Spag Bol
Green Chicken Curry (change of plans meant it was missed last f/n)
Roast chook (in slow cooker) & veg
Marinated Chops & salad (probably BBQ)
Homemade Pizzas
Steak Dianne, mash & veg
Chicken Tomato pasta and dinner rolls
Chilli Con Carne

Really struggling with the meal plans ATM, If I feel the same next fortnight, I think I might wing it for a week or so, and try and be inspired in store......and hope it's not too disastrous on the budget, taste buds and waist line :-)

Will try and update on DS birthday and party soon....have to run to the shrink now though..

Kxx

MENU PLAN

2007-08-28T10:10:00.000+10:00

Well Tuesday is menu planning day around these parts.....I'm in a rut at the moment though, getting rather sick of the same old thing. I find this happens around change of season, when I need to switch between summer & winter meals, but I managed. We'll have to start cranking up the BBQ again now the weather is warming up :-)
Our income is fortnightly, so I plan for 2 weeks at a time, and I always including 2 "easy" meals (think nuggets, chips, noodles, baked beans etc). Usually I account for Take Away once, but we have a lot on this fortnight, so I'm upping that to twice.

DS choice (his b'day...haven't asked him yet)
Soft & hard mince taco's
Chops + italian potatoes + veg
Beef Stroganoff with Penne
Green Chicken Curry with rice (kids have the stirfry minus the sauce)
Chicken Salsa with mash + veg
Hotdogs
Honey Soy Chicken wings with salad
Chicken Pesto Pasta with garlic bread
Veal Tortellini with PN sauce and dinner rolls

We don't do cooked deserts....kids sometimes have icecream, icy pole or fruit......and sometimes I sneak in some chocky after kids are tucked away :-)

K xx

Banana Yoghurt Cake

2007-08-27T19:11:00.000+10:00

One of the other "balls" I am trying to juggle, is to become more frugal. Not living on rice & beans and forgoing all luxuries type frugal.....I guess it's more a quest for a simpler life, living within my means, not using objects to gain peace or fulfillment and wasting less, and THAT is where this cake comes in :-)

DD loves her yoghurt, unfortunately she only loves the more expensive "character" ones. I know it would be cheaper & healthier to make our own, but she is the only one who eats yoghurt, so if I bought the necessary stuff, it would be pretty wasteful if she turned her nose up at it, and I assume she would at this stage.

Anyhow....all these yoghurt packs always come with a flavour she doesn't like much, and I was throwing them out a little too often, so I went on a search of a recipe I could use them in, and found this cake, and it is divine (and DS gets some yoghurt without knowing it lol). It's quite dense, but has a really soft but moist texture....hard to describe...but all who have tasted it love it...and I always lose the recipe, so if I write it here, I'll have it for good!

Ingredients:

125g of butter (or marg)
175g castor sugar
2 eggs
2 very ripe bananas, mashed
200g yoghurt
1 1/3 cups of self raising flour

Method:

Preheat oven to 180 degrees. Grease & line your cake tin. (I use a loaf tin)
Beat butter & sugar in a bowl with electric beaters until pale & creamy. Add eggs one at a time, beating well after each addition. Fold in the mashed bananas & yoghurt with a large spoon. Sift the flour and fold gently into the wet mixture until just combined.
Spoon mixture into prepared pan and bake for 50-60mins until a skewer comes out clean. Remove from oven and let stand for 10mins. Remove from pan and let it cool on a wire rack (or watch it being devoured warm ;-))
You can make a cream cheese icing for it, but I'm too lazy.

And sorry about the dodgy photo, lol, probably should have edited it a bit first....but that laziness is kicking in again :-)

MEN!

2007-08-24T22:31:00.000+10:00

Why is it, that HE can come home...do minimal work, minimal kid wrangling, and get to sleep by 9pm and most likely sleep till 10am?????
I have been up since 6am....granted I didn't start "working" till 6.45am....but I got kids lunches ready, woke dreamy kids up, made them hot chocolates, coerced them into to dressing & eating breakfast, all set out by me, made beds, had kids teeth brushed, settled arguments, again bribed them to get dressed & eat breakfast, ate my own breakfast of promite on toast, and skulling coffee whilst tying shoelaces & doing hair, still bribing (well close to begging now) that they get dressed & eat their breakfast, force feed DD her anti-biotics with the promise of juice & hell anything she wants by now.....oh and yeah I fit a shower in there somewhere...AND getting dressed...BONUS! Only to get them to school ON TIME! DH...well...he ambles out at 7.30 or so...makes himself a coffee...heads out the back for a fag...for 1/2 an hour or so...ambles in for a Shower, shit (or 3 ) and a shave, barely says goodbye then is out the door!
I drop the children lovingly at school with kisses & cuddles galore...then race to the shops for "homework" & a few grocery items (same dif)...come home...check emails....finish my MR (morning routine (which I will publish at a later date)) Then I do the dishes, pick up all the crap left by my 3 "housemates", vaccum house, dust house, mop....then try and crumple in a heap on my lounge. Best buddy comes to visit, which I am SOOOO thankful for, but it really drained what supplies I had left IYKWIM. When she and her adorable kiddies leave it is time to pick up kids.....by this stage I feel like I am likely to fall asleep at the wheel, so we miss our usual Friday arvo coffee/video/chat. Come home & I don't stop! Dinner, baths, refereeing, cleaning yadayadayada.
DH ambles in at 7.00pm, sits out the back with a scotch chatting on the phone. I say "hi, how was your day?" "EH" is the response!!! I feel like telling him what EH is fucking like!
I finish up baths & dinner, and breaking up fights & dobbing...call DH & kids for dinner...kids come...no DH....decides to show up later...scoffs his meal, mutters a thanks and leaves the table, whilst I sit for half an hour getting kids to EAT!
ALLL credit to him...he finished the dishes (without breaking anything!)
Plus he set the kids up for their "movie night"
Then he goes and parks his arse to watch TV. My sis calls, and we end up on the phone for ages, as you do, and we haven't spoken in ages, And the kids are rippin' the house apart whilst DH snores his arse off in the lounge....*sigh*
More kid-wrangling...DH disappears,,,,found him in bed at 9pm, snoring like a locomotive with a few extra engines added for effect, and sleeping over the WHOLE bed!
So now I finally have the kids asleep in the lounge, where I am going to have to squeeze into soon also + I have the added benefit that they will wake me up first! Whilst thy master will sleep for as long as he pleases....I WISH I COULD DO THAT! Why can't I???
Simple....no-one will look after the kids!
I make a vow now, seeing I should have gone to bed half an hour ago, but decided to ramble incoherently instead....I will not let a foot hit the floor till 8 am....even if I don't get a sleep in...I will enjoy a LAY IN!

And AMEN!
Kirstie

The SOB has been given his marching orders!!!!

2007-08-23T09:35:00.000+10:00

WOOHOO!!!!

And yes! It is a he...the proof....he leaves crap wherever he sits, frequently gases out the neighbourhood, is a pain in the arse to get started, doesn't last long distances and is embarrassing to take out in public!

Here he is in all is glory.....
(oops I need to fix the date thingy on my camera)

Oh and SOB actually stands for Smokin' Old Bomb......even my psych calls it that...lol.

So how did this all come about? Well yesterday I had the kids all ready for school, and go to warm the little beastie up.....turn the key....nothing....turn the key again....the radio comes on, but that is it.....DEAD! DH is still away in woop-woop, and seeing he is the main driver, he has the NRMA card, so I call him up, and thankfully he was more annoyed than I was....and we won't mention who left the lights on accidentally for a few hours the night before....

Anyhoo......

NRMA was here in record time, and jumped him back to life for me, but he also informed me it would be dangerous for me to drive, even around the corner to the petrol station, as there was NO oil in him whatsoever, so I bought some oil, which he put in for me, but I had to let him run for half an hour before turning him off, so needless to say the kids were late to school, and the neighbourhood got well and truly gassed out.....oh the shame! The kids offered me their money boxes to buy a new car...god bless them....poor things were coughing and spluttering as much as the car for most of the short trip to school.

DH was pi$$ed as he'd just filled him up with oil not long ago....and that was the clincher...we will be getting a new (to us)car in the next few months....yippee! Our main requirements would be power steering (it's like driving a mack truck), air con (it only blows hot smelly air in summer & cold in winter), a radio that postdates WW2, and that it is not triple the age of our first born!

Our debate on buying a new car is a long one....me yes...DH no....and whilst I am the official owner of the Smokin' Old Bomb, A few years ago DH took over as the main driver, whilst I was given his (brand spanking)new work car, except when he needed to visit clients, or went on work trips to woop woop (like this week).....so my side of the debate kinda fell flat seeing I hardly drive the thing!

So stay tuned as we go car hunting :-)

K

PS: Just remembered a funny story to convey how much of a menace to the environment this car is....
DH has a basement carpark at his work, and as the SOB needs quite a warm up before he'll agree to travel, DH usually goes down, turns him on, then goes back up to his office to pack up his gear to leave. One day a lady came racing into the office shouting that someone was trying to gas themselves in their car..........nup it was just the SOB warming up LOL

Worst I've had is the people at Macca's & KFC drive throughs slamming their windows shut as we are gassing the entire restaurant......sigh......it really is his time....

E's visit to the dentist

2007-08-20T19:11:00.000+10:00

The dentist visit went GREAT!
Firstly, and of least importance, I WAS FINE. I really had to push myself to go, was convinced I would panic & make a fool of myself, and E would not be seen, but I did just fine.....I had
"moments" and the worst was picking them up from school early, and J having to pee in the carpark, lol...but another TADA for me.
The dentist visit itself gave some great results....but maybe some background info first.
E has Ectodermal Dysplasias (ED). It is basically a genetic disorder that effects the ectoderm (outer layer) of an embryo....you can google it, but she has a very mild form. It is still a bit of an unknown disorder, but generally effects skin, hair, teeth & nails. She was diagnosed when she was 1, and due to no history from either of us parents, it seems to be just a freak mutation at conception. We are blessed thus far, that her main problem is her teeth. They are conical shaped, and there was a big possibility that she would have next to no second teeth. Her nails are paper thin, and she gets a lot of those sores/cuts around the edge. She had very little hair, until about 18 months, but she now has a full head of the stuff :-) albeit thin & a little wirey & hard to manage. She has occasional skin issues such as excema....but considering some of these kids have no sweat glands...it is nothing, and fairly common these days. She has also had recurrant ear infections, and has had grommets put in her ears.....but so has my son, and he is not ED.
Anyways...back to the dentist. We go to the top paed dentist around these parts, and he is at Westmead Dental Hospital....due to both these things he is very hard to get into, but he is FANTASTIC! So after a long wait....and 2.5years since last seeing him...today was the day!
He checked her out, and then sent her for an x-ray. The last xray she had done she was quite young and wouldn't keep still, but it didn't look good as far as 2nd teeth go. But todays showed much better results....she is only missing her 4 bottom front (2nd/adult) teeth, and 2 incisors. Her 6 year molars are there waiting to come through, which he said looks positive as far as the older ones developing too. Her teeth are at the "age" of a 3.5 year old, which he said was not a worry. The ones, without adult teeth, were the best outcome, as their roots are long and could be built up to "look" more in place...and at a much later date, implants would work well. So at this stage we are doing nothing. We will have another appointment in a year. But if I feel something needs to be done (caps most likely) to call in the meantime. She apparently is called "shark-girl" at school...it breaks my heart...but, for now, it is more "cool" status. than teasing....we'll see how that goes...and I'll try not to be tainted by the tauntings I got at school for my teeth issues (which was dodgy dentist induced, NOT genetics......well actually a bit genetics, but not ED). At the moment she has been invited to just about every party happening, so as long as she continues to do well (and I know kids tease for anything and parties aren't the be all and end all) we will continue to go on as normal, and tackle things as they come :-)
Best get these kidlets to bed...and stop avoiding the housework :-)
K

Cut Loose.....

2007-08-20T11:01:00.000+10:00

Well I have "graduated" from seeing my psychiatrist on a monthly basis to an as needed one.
It has been long suggested that I set up a blog or a journal, but my attempts in the past have been very short-lived. I think my problem is my wanting a theme....or it getting too personal than I am truly comfortable with sharing with the entire world. So I still have my written journal for those moments, and will try this for the rest :-)
I am currently fighting a losing battle with my teeth...... Driving me insane. Pain meds help very little......alcohol is better.....but obviously not a good option when I have kids & need to drive (and of course I still wake up with an aching mouth but I also have a hangover which makes the pain worse).....so today I'm trying to keep myself distracted....and avoiding using my mouth as much as possible.....
DH is away for work, the house is trashed, and I have to take E to the dentist this afternoon. Really should try and clean up a bit....that should help the distraction side of things.....I hope!
arggghhhhh
off to see what mush, I can conjure up to eat too.....not sure what's worse, the effects of not eating or the tooth pain when I do......I think the human body can survive 10 days without food....I'm just not sure how long it is until the body (and mind) stop functioning.....will keep you posted.